DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW

[IDidNothingWrong]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.

About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.

6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.

On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.

My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?

To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.

[Berylo]

You’re a strong woman who’s doing well, OP. 💪💪💪

[itsmylife7]

@IDidNothingWrong Lovely to hear you and the kids are doing well.
Wishing you lots of good wishes for the future. 💪

[Feelinfedup]

I'm so glad your doing good , you should be very proud of yourself. I know what you've gone through and it really is horrendous and those of us who find ourselves in that position only know how hard it is . You deserve someone who truly treasures you .. I wish you the very best and well done on coming so far .

[Dontjudgeme101]

I am so glad that you are getting on with your life. You sound like an amazing woman. You go girl! 💐💐💐

[IDidNothingWrong]

@NeedToChangeName @itsmylife7

Whilst I’ve had a few setbacks I’m doing ok. I tried to do too much on my own (work, volunteering, study, fitness and being a mum) which meant I wasn’t giving myself time and space to heal with the end result seeing me signed off work for 6 weeks due to depression and anxiety. Learnt a lot from that, and taking life a little easier now.

My ex has now moved out, rather unsurprisingly he’s pretty much living with the OW though I suppose she’s now his gf. She’s welcome to him. As you’d expect, there were more lies which have come out but they don’t bother me like they used to. He still can’t/won’t tell me the truth but I don’t need to know anymore. I can’t remember the last time I cried over him, he wasn’t nice to me in those final few years and now he’s gone I have the freedom to do things without having to worry about upsetting him or having him sulk. Lots of furniture rearranging and trips to the tip!

The children are doing ok. When we told them there were tears but we did the whole Mummy and Daddy are still friends and that’s what they see. They recently met with her and it seemed to go well which is all I can ask.

I’ve started to dip my toe into the OLD world. That’s an eye opener! Taking it very, very slowly and in no rush at all. I have some very clear boundaries but it is nice to talk to people. I didn’t ever think I’d be dating again and I’m very out of practice!

[itsmylife7]

@IDidNothingWrong another one here really hope you're doing OK

[NeedToChangeName]

@IDidNothingWrong I stumbled on your thread by chance. I hope you are doing OK now. You have a real way with words, very eloquent

[NotNowGertrude]

If I was you I'd get the divorce started. You'll be in a better position if you divorce now rather than in say 5 years time

[Berylo]

It’s your timeline of misery but you’re in a position, have the power, to pass the parcel.

[BlastedPimples]

The timeline of misery shows it isn't a one off.

It shows that is who he is. You see him.

My stbxh tries to pass of his assault of me as a one off because he had a nervous breakdown.

He goes very quiet when I remind him of the timeline of his abuse. He doesn't admit or deny it, just goes very quiet.

[IDidNothingWrong]

@Berylo Thats exactly what I do when my heart try’s to look back, i get my brain to start thinking. I remind myself of what he did, how it left me and just to make sure I then add in some of his more annoying habits. I also have some notes that I refer back to, it’s a bit of a timeline of misery but it helps me to keep seeing him for who he is now rather than the man I fell in love with.

Like so many others, I didn’t ever think I’d need to do this though.

[Berylo]

If I were you I’d be thinking of the things in him which I don’t like and reminding myself that that’s what she’s facing. Stupid cow. Who picks up a dirty fork which has fallen to the ground then uses it to eat?

[Tresto]

@IDidNothingWrong he thinks he is clever and subtle because he believes his own lies. He believes he’s a good man.

He is just a common, garden, middle aged cliche. Nothing special. No integrity and poor judgement.

He will be lying to her too. You will be suicidal or have a sick grandparent or unable to cope with the kids. Read the cheaters handbook - google it and you should find it.

[IDidNothingWrong]

@Tresto Whilst I don’t ask as I try not to show interest in their relationship anymore my assumption is that they are. He started to walk the dog every night early on and was surprised when I pointed out it was clear that he used the time to talk to her. Not sure why he thought he was being subtle!

He’s in no rush to divorce, I think you are right. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy who leaves his family. There is a part of me that wonders how she really feels about that. But she knew what she was getting into so I don’t feel too bad.

[AcrossthePond55]

@IDidNothingWrong

More than once I’ve thought about updating but I’ve always decided against it until now as I’ve felt like I’ve failed Mumsnet and in some ways I’m embarrassed I haven’t been harsher on him.

You don't me or anyone else on this thread a thing. Not one damned thing! This is your journey and you have to walk it your way.

As far as 'what he says', I agree with the 'grain of salt' approach. Much better would be the 'I don't want to hear a single word out of your mouth about you, her, or your tawdry affair' approach. In other words ask him nothing and shut him down if he brings anything up. But that's up to you.

Remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. Take the time you need to get his shit out of the house and tell him 'no more weekends here'. Same for filing divorce, you'll know when the time is right. Protect yourself and move at your own pace.

[DixonD]

Don’t be embarrassed OP. You have to do what suits you and your family. Every situation is different. And it’s good for your children to see you working together, even if you are not together. It’s what I’d want to do.

[Tresto]

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He does. He’s a walking cliche.

You are acting with dignity and Grace and that shows YOU who you are.

The only good thing that you will get from this is learning more about yourself. Sadly she gets the prize (assuming they are still together) of a lying cheating middle aged cliche. Which is really not a win. He is not a safe or reliable partner until he works out what is missing inside of him
to be able to lie, cheat and rob you of time. Why his need for validation is more important than his integrity and honesty. You had a tough time too but you didn’t cheat. If he wasn’t happy he should have used his words!

I wish you well. And you can look at yourself every day knowing you have integrity. You may find he wants to make things work at some point. Until he fixes whatever is broken inside of him he is unsafe as a partner. It’s interesting as he was so desperate to be away from you that he has returned. She is likely in the wings and he wants to see himself as a ‘good guy’. Has he completed the divorce papers?

[HateMyselfToo]

Sounds like you are handling it well. It hurts, but you are staying calm, which considering the year you've had definitely counts as success!

[Reigateforever]

Thank you for your up date, continue to be aware he will be still trying to undermine you.
Note the times he works and money you both spend on renovations. Keep all messages, separate from spending time with children. He could say in the future that he spent the whole day working when it was with the children. Have all the papers prepared and copies elsewhere incase things evolve badly for you and your DC As you said keep in mind that everything he says are lies, to wheedle his way back in or to lower his future costs.

Take care of yourself as it must be a great mental strain on you.

[IDidNothingWrong]

@Cantthinkof1rightnow thank you for thinking of me.

More than once I’ve thought about updating but I’ve always decided against it until now as I’ve felt like I’ve failed Mumsnet and in some ways I’m embarrassed I haven’t been harsher on him. I had some great advice and whilst we aren’t together I haven’t thrown him onto the streets or written him out of my life despite what he has done to me and which goes against everything that I probably should have done. That’s just not me though.

For the time being he’s still in the FMH at weekends to see the children and do work on the property. Supposedly he’s not seen her in person since March but I take that with a pinch of salt. I find that if I assume everything he says is a lie I can cope quite well and I certainly don’t obsess about where he is when he’s not at the house. A lot of his stuff is still here, once that goes I’m rearranging my bedroom completely as I can get rid of some furniture and make it a ‘new’ room which hasn’t been tainted by him. I’m not actively looking for someone else but if I met someone I’d be happy to see where it goes.

There are still times when I get upset but they are fewer and further between. I still don’t know what the future holds but that doesn’t scare me anymore and I don’t obsess about the OW like I used to, I almost feel sorry for her. Almost, but not quite. She has made her bed and can deal with the consequences, no longer my problem.

Still a long way to go and I’m under no illusion that it won’t get messy when we do divorce but for now I’m ok and I guess that’s good enough for now.

[Cantthinkof1rightnow]

@IDidNothingWrong How are things going? I was wondering about you and came to see if you'd updated at all. Are things any easier now some time has passed?

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Oh op

im so angry with him
what a shitty shitty bad man he is
hes a liar and just totally lacking in moral fibre
really disgusting 🤮

this has to be the moment when you say this is over and then CUT
literally cut him and grieve

you must please tell people
you need support and you won’t be able to be ‘strong for the kids ‘
its not possible

family , GP , old friends , new friends
get a divorce coach , therapist
decent Soliciter ( I prefer female ones )

you need support

im really fuxking sorry

but now it’s time to ICE him and get some help
this is a new chapter for you x

[lookluv]

OP - I am 10 yrs down and still sit and wonder how we were allegedly on 2 different planets. My memories of laughter, loving grest holidays and comapnionship were not an illusion or a fantasy.
It was not all bad, despite what he says.

You are doing fab, one day at a time but the back bone needs stiffening - the knives are coming out and he is preparing for Mr Nasty - hate to say this to you. Time to close the shutters and get the wall built.

Keep going you are doing brilliantly

[Tootiredtosleep]

@IDidNothingWrong how are things? I’m going through something very similar, and just wondered how you were. Your posts on how you are feeling resonate with me a lot.

Hope you are doing okay 💐

[Jk8]

Fuck him he's on holidays ?? Are you having a laugh ? he's been cheating on you for months but he actually needed time off for this trip so sprung it on you. Fuck them im angry for you!

Make it clear he'll be paying what the kids & house cost not 'over & above minimum maintenance' (it's fuck all in general)

He's not going to be 'working on the house - he no longer lives there drop his stuff round at his parents or better yet book a moving company to drop it round & message his parents/brothers/cousins to have him send on the cost's

Also get into custody arrangements ASAP - this is not your husband this is your ex now - you dont need to discuss it with him (& what can you trust anyway with everything he's done)

& I really hope your devestation turns into complacency (for his sake) cause he's scum .