Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.
About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.
6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.
On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.
My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.
How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?
To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.
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Relationships
DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27
Ohyouareawful · 04/03/2023 23:27
I feel like we should have a flying squad of MNers who arrive in situations like this and do everything necessary to protect the OP (bagging his stuff up, providing strong alcohol, one woman who is solicitor and another a martial arts expert, while a handywoman changes all the locks and an accountant starts organizing finances and documents asap). The utter lack of decency and empathy to let your wife think you are reconciling, while having sex with her and schmoozing her, lulling her into thinking you are trustworthy when really you are an utter prick and a wanker. What an absolute dickhead. 🤬🤬🤬🤬
SchoolTripDrama · 08/03/2023 18:33
I like the sound of this Flying Squad. Bagsy a window seat please 🚁
Ohyouareawful · 04/03/2023 23:27
I feel like we should have a flying squad of MNers who arrive in situations like this and do everything necessary to protect the OP (bagging his stuff up, providing strong alcohol, one woman who is solicitor and another a martial arts expert, while a handywoman changes all the locks and an accountant starts organizing finances and documents asap). The utter lack of decency and empathy to let your wife think you are reconciling, while having sex with her and schmoozing her, lulling her into thinking you are trustworthy when really you are an utter prick and a wanker. What an absolute dickhead. 🤬🤬🤬🤬
WidthofaLine · 09/03/2023 07:19
I agree with this, there should be more support in the many areas of betrayal, it's hard to function when you've been kicked in the stomach.
A whole team should be involved, not just some unemotional solicitor, and there are so many women out there without support systems, it's so difficult to function let alone fight.
He's a bastard, put in place as much as you can to protect you and the children.
Sending strength lovely x
SchoolTripDrama · 08/03/2023 18:33
I like the sound of this Flying Squad. Bagsy a window seat please 🚁
Ohyouareawful · 04/03/2023 23:27
I feel like we should have a flying squad of MNers who arrive in situations like this and do everything necessary to protect the OP (bagging his stuff up, providing strong alcohol, one woman who is solicitor and another a martial arts expert, while a handywoman changes all the locks and an accountant starts organizing finances and documents asap). The utter lack of decency and empathy to let your wife think you are reconciling, while having sex with her and schmoozing her, lulling her into thinking you are trustworthy when really you are an utter prick and a wanker. What an absolute dickhead. 🤬🤬🤬🤬
Fraaahnces · 09/03/2023 01:25
I’m going to open Mumsnet Landscaping and Removals Co. (Patio Building and Removal of Difficult Garbage and Scum is our Specialty)
AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2023 14:39
Mumsnet Landscaping and Removals Co. (Patio Building and Removal of Difficult Garbage and Scum is our Specialty)
Perhaps the motto could be "You stab 'em, we slab 'em".
Fraaahnces · 09/03/2023 01:25
I’m going to open Mumsnet Landscaping and Removals Co. (Patio Building and Removal of Difficult Garbage and Scum is our Specialty)
IDidNothingWrong · 17/03/2023 22:14
Hi @Blingstar
It’s been a difficult few weeks. Some days im ok and others less so. I went out for some quotes to do some of the outstanding work and one company had no capacity. I felt like i was being rejected all over again which set me off. Ridiculous i know. I finally found the courage to get legal advice. Turns out it’s not going to be straightforward for a number of reasons but at least I know what needs to be done.
We had a long talk a few evenings back, he’s now re-writing history. Apparently he was unhappy long before he met the OW and he feels like he can talk to her in a way he never could with me. I know in my head it’s just him justifying what he’s done but it still hurts to hear him say that. Makes me feel like the whole marriage was a lie. If that’s truly what he felt why didn’t he leave then or at least tell me how he felt??
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