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Relationships
DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27
Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.
About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.
6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.
On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.
My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.
How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?
To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.
k1233 · 04/03/2023 20:11
It's awful. All I can say is strike while he is feeling guilty. Get the high maintenance documented and legally binding and get yourself maximum financial settlement. Once the guilt goes, you'll be in for a fight as OW will get in his ear. I know it's not what you feel like right now and it's hard to be so ruthless, but so many men screw their families over even if they start out promising they'll make sure the kids are looked after.
pasta4metonight · 04/03/2023 20:13
He's cheated on you and he'll cheat on her when the novelty wears off. Failing that as she is much younger than him she might decide she wants dc. He'ii be back to square one with nappies and probably realising he's been a bit of a prat.
Stay strong, it hurts like hell but take each day as it comes.He has zero respect for you and your dc. You can do this and six months, a year, you'll look back and think thank god I got rid of him, a pathetic, aging man who pants after young women his daughters age. Totally grim.
Sunsetintheeast · 04/03/2023 20:15
he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this
OP he’s a proven liar, why would you believe this? Prepare to be let down on this too. I’m sorry, but they never stay guilty for long enough to deliver on this stuff.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this.
Crazypaving22 · 04/03/2023 20:17
You’ve been going through false reconciliation. This is beyond cruel.
I know you don’t feel it right now but they truly deserve each other. Both as morally bankrupt as the other and how dare she be ‘happy with him’ continuing to work on the family home and how dare he see himself as the good guy willing to pay maintenance above the expected. What an absolutely nasty pair they are with their magnanimous bs!
Its so hard to go through this I know, but take it one moment at time, those moments turn to seconds, then days then weeks. Slowly but surely you will recover.
To see through all the gaslighting and blameshifting that may come your way and to see just how grotty and cliched it all is get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’, a great book which helps you navigate the first few months. Surviving Infidelity is a great website. Post there if you need ongoing support through the long days.
Self care is vital right now, as is legal advice. As much as he’s playing the ‘victim to the forces of love’ bs, he’s actually a selfish and entitled arsehole lacking any empathy right now. He is not your friend and liable to turn at any point re financial agreements, particularly as you start to find your way out of his manipulation. His ego kibble supply will half and you will know about it as he’ll get nasty or play the crying game, the ‘I just don’t know what I want’ rubbish.
Be firm and know you deserve so much more than this utter creep.
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:19
Our daughter knows, I’ve told her she doesn’t need to take sides and that he still loves her. She’s so very angry and confused about why he has done this. In reality she’s doing better than me, says we will be two strong independent women who don’t need a man. The two youngest don’t know yet, we agreed to wait until Easter so they have time to try and understand before going back to school. I’m really worried how they will take this. They adore their Daddy.
Cocobutt · 04/03/2023 20:26
Take your time.
There is no rush to cope with this.
He is a very nasty man and could have done this in a way to save some of your heartbreak but he hasn’t.
I think it’s a lovely idea to wait until Easter to tell your younger DCs but I think you need to be prepared that it may come out sooner.
I think his relationship with her might move quite fast and they may be quite open about it.
Give yourself a few days and then start thinking about getting on with your life.
Of course it’s not easy but it’s not fair he’s living his life and you’re not living yours.
Choconut · 04/03/2023 20:28
You daughter sounds amazing! Be careful not to lean on her too much as I'm sure that could be easy in this horrible, horrible situation - can you get yourself some counselling to help you navigate your way through this?
Take control OP, pack up his things, contact a solicitor, get on top of finances.
Nat6999 · 04/03/2023 20:29
The main thing, you are used to managing during the week on your own, you know you can do it. Bag all his stuff up in matching (black) bags & dump it in the garage or shed, get the bed changed, rearrange the bedroom to make it yours. Get yourself a solicitor booked on Monday & get things moving, don't whatever you do or however much he begs when he realises he has fucked up take him back.
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:30
I’ve read other posts where people are so strong when this happens. I’m always amazed by them, I thought I would be but I’m not. I’m lucky in some respects, I have a reasonably well paid job though that will need to stretch an awful lot further now.
Would a signed agreement for maintenance have any legal standing? I just don’t think I can afford a solicitor at the moment as all money has been sunk into the house.
bighair32 · 04/03/2023 20:30
I'm so sorry OP. I went through similar, he 'cared' about me too until I pointed out that his ability to live a double life (lived with the OW while working away during the week), was a trait of sociopathy. Things deteriorated quite quickly after that. I know it is so hard to think when you have been betrayed in this way but please get him out and get some legal advice pronto. Phone several forms and find someone who suits you. I wouldn't be too surprised if he tries to come back, do not allow him. I know how much this hurts, please let friends and family help you. Take care.
Riverlee · 04/03/2023 20:31
This must be so difficult and he’s a cheating two face lier.
The best advice is that you need to take control of the situation, and control the narrative. Decide what you want going.
Regarding the house, do you want him to have access to to the house, doing jobs etc to renovate it? This could be confusing for the dc, to have their dad popping in and out. If you still decide to live there, get him to pay for workman, rather than doing it himself. By doing it himself, he’s still having a say in your life (plus is this a back up plan or if things go wrong, or is he thinking that long term, once done, the house will be sold, which is why ow is supporting it, as then they can buy together with his increased share of profits).
HVPRN · 04/03/2023 20:31
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:19
Our daughter knows, I’ve told her she doesn’t need to take sides and that he still loves her. She’s so very angry and confused about why he has done this. In reality she’s doing better than me, says we will be two strong independent women who don’t need a man. The two youngest don’t know yet, we agreed to wait until Easter so they have time to try and understand before going back to school. I’m really worried how they will take this. They adore their Daddy.
My two were 5y and 8y when I told them mum and dad were no longer going to live together. Kept it positive and talked like an adventure (two bedrooms, two Christmases etc) they are well rounded, confident, achieving, have friends etc. of course they had wobbles (wasn't keen on staying with dad) but all in all, all is well 😊
Your daughter sounds awesome; what a diamond 💎
JuliasBiscuit · 04/03/2023 20:34
I just can’t believe it when a man puts his todger and getting off before his wife and three kids.
Is sex really that imporant?
Hes prepared to nuke four people’s happiness for the sake of his willy.
I find him repulsive and disgusting that he’s blatantly self-obsessed he’d put all of you through that.
What a knob.
His head has been turned by a younger woman…
Who knows if it will last. There’s no fool like an old fool. What a disappointment he is. I’m very sorry OP.
You deserve so much better.
HVPRN · 04/03/2023 20:35
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:30
I’ve read other posts where people are so strong when this happens. I’m always amazed by them, I thought I would be but I’m not. I’m lucky in some respects, I have a reasonably well paid job though that will need to stretch an awful lot further now.
Would a signed agreement for maintenance have any legal standing? I just don’t think I can afford a solicitor at the moment as all money has been sunk into the house.
Yes. Kept him to write something down and sign it. Then get him to set up a direct debit. Have you tried the child maintenance calculator?
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:35
@Choconut you're right, I’m conscious that he is still her Dad despite what he’s done. I’ve encouraged her to talk to a friend (which she is) and have been to the GP to see the health and well-being team though they have said it’s to early for them as I need to grieve first.
butterfliedtwo · 04/03/2023 20:35
MicroSoftTeamz · 04/03/2023 19:57
Op.. This man is not your friend, he's betrayed you in the worst way imaginable. I know it is so incredibly hard, but please find a way through the hurt and look at things realistically, you need to see a solicitor, initiate divorce proceedings and make sure you're not the one left in the cold financially.
Definitely this. The man you thought you knew is no more. Fight for the best position for you and your children. Good luck.
He's an absolute cunt. Exceptionally cold.
Crikeyalmighty · 04/03/2023 20:37
What an arse . OP the best revenge is a life lived well although it doesn't feel like that now. Take him for whatever you can whilst he's in the feeling guilty stage- be cool but factual and tell him all arrangements need to be made now. I would personally say you would rather someone else finished the work off if that's possible.
Oopsiedaisyy · 04/03/2023 20:40
The child maintenance will depend on the custody arrangements you make between the two of you, how often he has the children. We have ours equally so no child maintenance is paid by my ex husband.
The kids will want to know the practical ramifications, just reassure them.
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