Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27
Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.
About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.
6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.
On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.
My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.
How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?
To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.
Logicalreasoning · 04/03/2023 22:24
This isn’t on you, he made his choices, no one gets forced to cheat, it’s a choice. Wether he was stressed or not, it doesn’t excuse his behaviour. You gave him a 2nd chance and he’s thrown it back in your face, I know it’s hard but try your best to move on without him, he doesn’t deserve to occupy your thoughts any more because he certainly wasn’t thinking about you when he was cheating.
Fireflies23 · 04/03/2023 22:26
Take your time to get your head straight. You don’t need to tell anyone anything you don’t want to. And when you do choose carefully. However if you have 1 person who can help you that will ease the load. Maybe consider counselling. You have had a huge shock. I would be banning him from coming home. Can you get someone else to do the work? He sounds completely confused and maybe thinks he can have the best of both worlds. I very much doubt that will happen. You need to put rules in place and don’t let him push them.
mathanxiety · 04/03/2023 22:27
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 21:46
@GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour I had an entire day in work in between telling him I knew something was off and him telling me what the actual trip was. I was expecting the worse and so had time to think of what he needed to hear. I told him that he would have them every other weekend and he can have them in the evening. He works a 2 hour drive away so it’s a long way for the school run hence me needing to be closer. I don’t think he was expecting that, I think he imagined some sort of arrangement where we play happy families and spend weekends together. Maybe in years to come but not yet. It hursts too much.
It's utterly selfish of him to think he can have a foot in both camps like this.
The children need routine and clarity, and he wants to use them as props in the self-indulgent delusion he's using to keep him from facing the fact that he's a cad.
Don't let yourself be sucked into the happy families dream either. That's over.
Ludo19 · 04/03/2023 22:31
LilLilLi · 04/03/2023 19:51
I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s one of the cruelest things I have ever read on here. You must be in complete shock.
You must focus on the basics for now, eating and resting. If you can’t stomach food, get some shakes and soup in - you really must try and look after yourself.
Secondly, get what he has promised about the house and maintenance in writing. When the guilt wears off, he’ll change his tune. Take him for everything you can, phone a solicitor first thing on Monday morning.
Thirdly - grey rock him. It will be incredibly difficult, but as others have said he is not your friend. Your team now is you and your children and you must do everything you can to ensure you will all be ok.
There are many of us who have lived through, or are going through, heartbreak and betrayal and we’ll be here to hold your hand and guide you through because even though you can’t see it now I absolutely promise you will come through this and be happy again.
Once the shine wears off, or she moves on to someone her own age he will come back - do not let him. He made his bed, you can never trust him again and you deserved far, far better than this. Sending love x
Sound advice here OP.
I'm so sorry it's hard to imagine the heartlessness he has shown you. Harness your inner fighting spirit. You're upset and rightly so at the moment but anger will kick in. Keep it in check. I promise you this will make you so much stronger.
trebarwith1 · 04/03/2023 22:37
You are in love with the person you thought he was, not the person he is. It will take time bit you will see him for who he really is one day. You sound lovely and deserve so so much more. Take it one day at a time and try and look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Sending huge love and strength. You will get through this and your life will get better. Promise x
letthemalldoone · 04/03/2023 22:39
He's a hugely cynical, cruel bastard and a weak excuse for a man. Well for the devious bitch to be "happy with that" - like it was actually any of her fucking business!!! We'll see how long that one lasts.
Honestly, you can't see it now but you are going to better off without him - he doesn't deserve you, and he's been an utter cunt to your children too, remember that! Take him for all you can - lay on the guilt and get his finances trussed up for your and your children's sake!! Just remember, from now on he's pretty much the enemy, so far as you're concerned - don't trust a single word the lying fucker says to you.
I hope he gets an STI and his todger falls off.
JackiePlace · 04/03/2023 22:43
Keep reminding yourself how much of your life you've wasted on this jerk and promise yourself that you won't waste any more!
Tell him you will hire a professional to do any needed work on YOUR house and he can pay for it as he is feeling so generous.
Good riddance I say.
MrsHGWells · 04/03/2023 22:44
this is terribly heartbreaking and cruel on you OP and the family.
your DH has been buttering his bread on both sides and expecting to you to keep the peace whilst he’s starting his 2nd life.
Change the locks whilst he is away and pack his bags - check them into a premier inn to allow yourself time and space to work through this.
if DH can pívot on his family and chase the fantasy life of a younger women - who may or not have children yet.. Secure yourself and your family. Big hugs 💐
Channellingsophistication · 04/03/2023 22:59
its devastating i know and you are not angry yet because you are in shock. It happened to me many years ago it was so utterly shocking. It was like the rug pulled under my feet. My DH had turned into a stranger overnight. He confessed to an affair and was in love with OW. I took a week off work then returned. My two bosses knew and were so supportive. Work helped me have a sense of normality. One thing in my life that stayed the same….
Take each day as it comes, take comfort in friends and family and post here for support. Keep busy. Make fun plans with DCs. Try and exercise when you can, really gets rid of those knots in your stomach. Make sure you eat well too. Dont waste energy thinking about what he’s thinking/feels etc - he is no longer your friend.
I truly thought i’d never get over end of my marriage, but I did. And its hard to think of it now, but you will too.
Namechangetobeanon · 04/03/2023 23:11
Please take time to heal from this. You’re going to go through waves of emotions, you’ll remember the absolute amazing times yous had together and question what went wrong- but remember nothing you did or could’ve done would have prevented this from happening. Unfortunately some people are like your husband which leaves you and your children in an absolute horrible situation. Then the anger will come, I found the best way to deal with this for me was joining a gym and releasing my anger that way.
You have given him a second chance and he has effectively taken this as no matter what he does you will forgive him.
Please surround yourself with friends! A close friend of mine, married 7 years, 2 kids and what seemed like a flawless marriage which was going from strength to strength was contacted by the OW with pictures, details and everything about her husbands affair of 5 years! Within her revelation there was further evidence of him being with 8 other women and fathered 3 kids as a result of these affairs. She has taken him back and understandably their marriage is riddled with insecurities. She does not trust him at all, she hits panic mode anytime he is out or looks at his phone. He justified his actions by simply saying ‘I’m selfish and wanted to live up to my teen name and see if I still had it’ 🤮
Not one of our friend group can actually stomach her husband now and our partners now refuse to socialise if he is there. It is having an impact on everyone but not as much as it is on her and her poor kids. But no matter what, we will be there to support her in anyway she needs us because she is our friend and regardless of her choice to take him back we will support her not judge her.
Arrange some girls nights, have pamper days and have days when you sit on the sofa and do nothing! Also do not feel bad about work, you are in effect suffering a bereavement, it’s just that you’re mourning someone who you knew but is still alive. My therapist explained that to me and honestly it was so true, I mourned after my first real relationship broke down for the person I thought he was.
Ohyouareawful · 04/03/2023 23:14
Put in some boundaries immediately. Make sure he is not coming and going. The thought that he has continued to discuss your relationship with her and “she’s OK” with him working on the house makes me want to literally throw a TV through a window.
Get angry and don’t hide what is going on from any adults that you are close to. This man is taking the absolute piss.
Sorry if this is to not constructive @IDidNothingWrong I am just absolutely furious on your behalf ❤️🍷🤬
dunBle · 04/03/2023 23:16
@IDidNothingWrong as regards paying for a solicitor, it's worth checking whether you have legal cover as part of your house contents insurance, and what it provides, but this may not be much use if the policy is in your husband's name. Some unions also provide legal cover for their members, although for non work related things it's often limited to an initial 30 minute consultation. If you can crowdsource here a list of specific things that you need to prioritise asking about that might help you make the best use of the time you have available.
And I hate to have to mention it, but since someone else alluded to it, but no-one else has explicitly mentioned it, if you've been sleeping with him recently, it would be a good idea to get STI tested.
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 23:18
Thank you for all of your comments, I don’t think I realised how much I needed to hear it from someone else that what he has done is so, so wrong. I guess love really is blind. How he could stand there and tell me he’s going away with her knowing what it would do to me. I am in shock, I truly thought we’d grow old together. I knew I wanted to be with him from the moment we met, this wasn’t how it was meant to end. I’m going to bed now (taking OTC sleeping aid) but will be back if that’s ok. Your comments have made me laugh and cry. So many of you have gone through breakups and all say the same in some way, that time helps. None of us should have to go through it.x
Blingstar · 04/03/2023 23:20
@IDidNothingWrong so sorry to hear what has happened. A similar thing happened here. 16 years down the tubes. Horrendous.
You are not angry because you're in a state of shock. It will come at some point.
But you need to get practical. Please do go to a solicitor next week. Do not put this off. Write down a list of questions before you go, so you don't waste time. You need to arm yourself with information. Knowledge is power.
Take some days off work next week. Buy the Co-parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell. It has tips on everything, telling the kids, how to live, communication. Look up 'parenting plans' - again very practical planning and keeps you focused when your head is mush. Get a notebook to record your interactions and what he says. Check the child maintenance calculator on Gov.uk so you know what the minimal payment will be.
You will be running on adrenaline for a very long time. Look after yourself. Eat well, take time for yourself. This is a huge trauma and change for your family and life. But you will be all right xxx
Ohyouareawful · 04/03/2023 23:27
I feel like we should have a flying squad of MNers who arrive in situations like this and do everything necessary to protect the OP (bagging his stuff up, providing strong alcohol, one woman who is solicitor and another a martial arts expert, while a handywoman changes all the locks and an accountant starts organizing finances and documents asap). The utter lack of decency and empathy to let your wife think you are reconciling, while having sex with her and schmoozing her, lulling her into thinking you are trustworthy when really you are an utter prick and a wanker. What an absolute dickhead. 🤬🤬🤬🤬
TheABC · 04/03/2023 23:30
You did nothing wrong.
You upheld your marriage. He did not.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Right now, he has left you in the wreckage of your married life and left you to literally pick up the pieces of your home, kids and work balance. The only people you need to think about are you and your kids. Fuck him. You've had some great advice on this thread and I hope you can move enough through the shock to act on it. Get as much help as you can, right now.
I am so fucking angry on your behalf.
Catlyn49 · 04/03/2023 23:32
Talking through past experience, any money in a joint account needs to transferring into you're account. You have kids to think about.it sounds hard buts so is having your bank account frozen until you decide to split the funds.act quickly and hope it causes embarrassment for himwhen he comes to pay a bill.
AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2023 23:36
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 21:14
@xfan we only moved to the area in the past year, shortly before finding out. I work FT but again, not local. I’m going to try and change that as I won’t be able to rely on him to support. I have tried to join some clubs locally but as an introvert it takes me time to get to know people.
I know it's too soon to make major decisions, but if you've moved to this area less than a year ago and you don't work 'locally', have you considered moving back to where you were before you moved? Would it give you more local support and put the DC back in familiar schools with old friends?
He already 'lives' too far away to be of any use or to see the DC frequently. Chances are once it sinks into his head that he is NOT moving back to the family home and that he'll have to stay 'elsewhere' when he visits the DC, he'll probably start living full time in 'his work town' (2 hours away).
Given all that, I'd move if it meant more support to me and DC 'elsewhere'.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.