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DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW

252 replies

IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27

Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.

About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.

6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.

On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.

My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?

To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.

OP posts:

Backstreets · 04/03/2023 20:44

What a bastard, what a cliche. Do not be a mug and let him skip guilt free through this (YOU had to end it?? He definitely wants to have his cake and eat it too). And don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends or family. I’m sure you’ve got a number in your contacts with someone willing to listen on the other end.


FlowerArranger · 04/03/2023 20:44

You cannot afford NOT to get legal advice!

Gather ALL financial documentation and consult with an experienced family solicitor asap. Remember that pensions may be more valuable than equity.


Riverlee · 04/03/2023 20:44

I think the dh is as much to blame for splitting up the family as the ow.


IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:46

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but I have said he is not to introduce the children to her for at least 9-12 months. Partly as I want them to have time to accept the change and partly because I just don’t know what’s going to happen when it all comes out. They are in a bubble where they don’t have to worry about anything but themselves.

OP posts:

JuliasBiscuit · 04/03/2023 20:49

Totally reasonable.


BadNomad · 04/03/2023 20:52

I doubt she'll stick around long when the reality of taking on an older man and his children kicks in. It's all fun and games until the stepkids arrive. Then he'll see what he's gotten himself into with a woman who has no interest in children.


xJoy · 04/03/2023 20:53

Wow that's a gaslight.
He admits he's going away with her, admits he loves her, but doesn't tell you that he's leaving you.

He's literally telling you that he wants you to just ignore this, just let him have his cake and eat it would you not.

Has he no empathy? Has he no comprehension of how badly this would erode you?


Livelovebehappy · 04/03/2023 20:54

Heart breaking and devastating for you OP. A lot of us have been through similar scenarios. The first thing to remember is that he isn’t your friend - the guilt he feels at the moment will make him promise the world, but the reality is that as the guilt wears off, he will start to rewrite history and come to the conclusion that he hasn’t done anything wrong - he’ll say you pushed him into the affair, he stopped loving you, you haven’t supported him or been there for him. Then he’ll start playing hardball, over every single thing - maintenance, the house, child access. You have to be steps ahead of him. See a solicitor. Find out your rights. Put all his belongings into black bin liners and tell him to get them. Find your anger, because that will give you the strength you need. You can, and will, get through this OP.


doozledog · 04/03/2023 20:54

I could have written this myself. I have been where you are. You won't be angry yet, but it will come. He's offering help because he feels guilty. All i can say is do not trust this man or his OW.

It is very reasonable to ask him to wait 9-12 months, i doubt he will stick to it, they never do.

Surrond yourself with your friends and family, if your not close go and visit for a few days. You've got a long road ahead of you but you will get there.


PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 21:03

So sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s completely pants to have your whole world turned upside down by someone you thought loved you.

When my ExH left for the OW I asked him to wait 6 months before introducing the children to her (they were very young at the time - 14wks, 2 and 6).

I appreciate your DCs are older but they still need time to adjust, probably more so than my (younger) children as they understand the situation more.

Also, who knows whether their relationship will last when exposed to the cold light of day and they know longer have the excitement of the illicit affair.

I hope you find your anger soon. Might sound like a weird thing to say but when it happened to me my anger helped to get me through it.


IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 21:04

My employer knows, I’ve been off work since Thu. I’m struggling to focus and am incredibly emotional. When should I be ready to go back to work? No one has died and I’m feeling guilty, like I should be over it already and able to work.

OP posts:

PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 21:04

*no longer (hate typos).


PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 21:09

@IDidNothingWrong - can you take annual leave or perhaps get ‘signed off’ by your Dr on mental health grounds?


Whatwouldyoudododo · 04/03/2023 21:09

Go back when you are ready. Don't worry about that side of things. Use this time to get practical. First things first, change the locks and dump his stuff at his parents/work. Speak to a solicitor. Get financially savvy.

The anger will come.

I am sorry, he has treated you appallingly. You are well rid.


mathanxiety · 04/03/2023 21:10

Pack his shit this weekend. Make sure it's all out on the drive waiting for him when he gets home. Text him about an hour before he's expected home to tell him the news and wish him luck in his new home.

He can move straight in with his girlfriend.

The shite he's spouting about still caring for you and wanting to work on the DIY - and his GF is fine with this! - all an insult to your intelligence and a serious breach of boundaries.

Draw a very firm line here even if you're shaking on the inside, and tell him he's made his choice and he now has to live accordingly.


OhwhyOY · 04/03/2023 21:10

@IDidNothingWrong your DH has died. Not in reality but for you he has because the man you thought he was is gone and you're grieving that loss. Don't feel guilty, go back to work when you're feeling stronger. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Definitely encourage you to pack his things and tell him not to come back to the house after the weekend, leave his things with a third party. Give you time to feel stronger before you have to see his face again.


StalkedByASpider · 04/03/2023 21:10

OP, I'd echo everyone else here. He sounds like a complete bastard - don't be taken in that he's a good guys because he says you're still family and is going to do the house up.

Being cynical, does he own a share in the property because if so, then it's in his own financial interests for the property to be in good shape - so that's not exactly him being altruistic, he's protecting an investment....

Finding your anger will help. It will protect you from being walked all over. I understand that you're in shock and reeling. One thing I find can help is think about what he's done to your DC. You might not be able to find your anger when you think about what he's done to you, but when you think about what he's going to put your lovely DC through, you might find yourself raging and coming out all guns blazing. That anger really will help you get through this and to ensure you get everything you need for the future.

I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than he could clearly give.


Wellitjustgetsworse · 04/03/2023 21:12

What a disgusting man. The fact he told you and like you said didn't even say it was over just letting you know what he's doing just like announcing he's popping to the shops.

he will come crawling back don't let him and like others said get anything in writing now whilst he still feels guilty.


StopStartStop · 04/03/2023 21:14

still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance

This will prove to be false. Get a solicitor right away. Don't let him creep back again. Don't believe a word he says. Be angry.


IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 21:14

@xfan we only moved to the area in the past year, shortly before finding out. I work FT but again, not local. I’m going to try and change that as I won’t be able to rely on him to support. I have tried to join some clubs locally but as an introvert it takes me time to get to know people.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 04/03/2023 21:16

And if I were you, I would not believe a word he says about paying child support over the odds.

His words are for his own benefit only.

He's trying to keep you from expressing anger and making him feel bad for being a lying adulterer.

He thinks they take the sting out of it for you, and he's using them to big himself up in his own mind.

What a hero he is, treating you so well.


FictionalCharacter · 04/03/2023 21:20

How horribly cruel of him. And he’s trying to be a “good guy” by claiming he’ll pay extra maintenance. Please don’t fall for this. Solicitor all the way. He can’t be trusted and if you allow him to call the shots with what he’s prepared to offer he’ll stay in control.
I was dumped in a similarly cruel way (but different circumstances). It really did feel like my life was blown apart. Please believe that you will survive this. Just don’t let him pretend he’s being nice to you to make himself feel better and keep you emotionally attached to him. He’s thrown the marriage away, that’s all on him, and your focus is yourself and your kids.


Cocobutt · 04/03/2023 21:20

I’ve read other posts where people are so strong when this happens. I’m always amazed by them, I thought I would be but I’m not.

You are incredibly strong!
Most people would be an absolute mess.

You are holding it together and raising your children all whist dealing with this man who has fucked off and left you to deal with the pieces.

He could have had a tiny bit of decency and moved out saying he needed a break or he was ending things and prepared his children, not just gone off with the OW and expected you to pick up the pieces.


BadNomad · 04/03/2023 21:20

They all say that. And other crap to the like (to the children) "Nothing is going to change. I will still see you as much as ever. You'll always have a home with me." Blah blah blah.


purpledalmation · 04/03/2023 21:24

Something similar happened to me. When the initial shock wore off so did all the love I'd ever felt for him, and I truly did love him. It made the break so much easier.

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