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Relationships
DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27
Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.
About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.
6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.
On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.
My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.
How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?
To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.
User57632678 · 04/03/2023 21:24
I have no practical advice here, but something similar happened to me a short while ago on a much lesser scale and just reading this brought back that horrible gut wrenching sick feeling, so I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. Please find your anger as this is just so unbelievably cruel and although it doesn’t feel like it now, you will be absolutely better off in the long term without this absolute turd of a man in your life 
AnotherDayOfSun · 04/03/2023 21:33
So sorry you are going through this right now. Just remember that your children are the love of your life! Not this silly, morally bankrupt person. To answer your question as to "why?" it could be that he's the type who only cares about newness, excitement, and thrills, and doesn't really develop deeper feelings. He will probably get bored with her, too, children or not, and will either cheat again or have a wandering eye. They started with a terrible foundation, that much is sure. Just take it day by day, hug your children and eventually find a man who is actually worthy of you!
GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 04/03/2023 21:35
@xfan we only moved to the area in the past year, shortly before finding out. I work FT but again, not local. I’m going to try and change that as I won’t be able to rely on him to support
Is this support with the kids? If so then, yes you can rely on him for support. He's left your relationship, that doesn't allow him to also drop his children. There's absolutely nothing to stop him from taking them to club, picking them up after school, taking them out for tea etc, in fact I'd say its even more important he does this now that he's chosen not to live with them any more.
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 21:39
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:30
I’ve read other posts where people are so strong when this happens. I’m always amazed by them, I thought I would be but I’m not. I’m lucky in some respects, I have a reasonably well paid job though that will need to stretch an awful lot further now.
Would a signed agreement for maintenance have any legal standing? I just don’t think I can afford a solicitor at the moment as all money has been sunk into the house.
Raise a case with the CMS. I had an informal agreement with the ExH which he broke when he couldn’t afford to pay child maintenance (after taking the OW to Barcelona for a Valentine’s trip) and reduced it when I said he was bringing the kids back too late after being with him.
By going through the CMS it takes his power over you away. And if he doesn’t pay the correct amount you can always choose the ‘pay and collect’ route (which will cost him 20% more).
My ExH underpaid throughout the pandemic and only paid the correct amount when I raised the possibility of pay and collect.
ilikeeggs · 04/03/2023 21:42
I’m so sorry, what a bastard he is to do this to you. I’m going through something similar at the moment where my now ex had an affair 2 years ago and the seems to have recently restarted (if it ever ended) and he left me a few days ago.
You are probably still in shock right now but soon you will feel angry. I think we have to go through many different stages of emotions before we begin to get over it but everyone keeps telling me it will get easier in time.
Try and detach if you can and reach out to friends and family for help. Hugs to you.
mustgetoffmn · 04/03/2023 21:45
By your description he just sounds completely self centred. What on earth is he doing arranging anything with OW? When you've both been looking at sorting your marriage and made moves to do that? He's stringing you and the whole family along. Its awful that he is behaving this way especially horrible that he feels the weak and selfish urge to share the affair with you. Its all horrible but I guess you need to focus on the kids and yourself, try not to be drawn into the tangle he has made. Tbh you don't sound angry enough, but maybe that's just your way of expressing yourself.
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 21:46
@GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour I had an entire day in work in between telling him I knew something was off and him telling me what the actual trip was. I was expecting the worse and so had time to think of what he needed to hear. I told him that he would have them every other weekend and he can have them in the evening. He works a 2 hour drive away so it’s a long way for the school run hence me needing to be closer. I don’t think he was expecting that, I think he imagined some sort of arrangement where we play happy families and spend weekends together. Maybe in years to come but not yet. It hursts too much.
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 21:47
GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 04/03/2023 21:41
Also, just want to echo what everyone up thread is saying - get him to sign legal documents while he's still feeling guilty.
I speak from experience when I say its the best thing you'll do in this situation.
Absolutely this. From experience there is a small window of guilt before everything becomes your fault. They have to justify it in some way and the easiest way to justify it is to make it all your fault (which of course it isn’t).
ukgone2pot · 04/03/2023 21:50
Sorry to be blunt because I know you are hurting right now, BUT you need to protect yourself and get your affairs in order. Go see a solicitor first thing and see what you're entitled to. Fuck what he's offering. Take his sorry ass to the cleaners, bleed the bastard dry.
Sorry, you are going through this. I promise one day it won't always hurt like this.💐
AllyArty · 04/03/2023 21:50
My first reaction is what a bastard. But as I read your post I thought that he had probably tried to finish with the OW but wasn’t strong enough or she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. But he shouldn’t have strung u along. I feel so sorry for you and your children. Does he realise what he has done to you? What ru going to do now?
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 21:53
@mustgetoffmn
I know I’m not as angry as I should be. I’m struggling to believe that the man I love has done this to his family. I wish I could turn my love off, I really do. I’ve never felt pain like this. Part of me is terrified that if i let myself feel the pain it’ll never stop, that I’ll fall apart. When I found out about the affair last year I was so shocked I literally lost my hair, not all but enough to be noticeable. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m scared to let myself go there again.
LeChatChat · 04/03/2023 21:55
God, what an arse - so, his plan is to basically have his cake and eat it, splitting his time between you and the OW, and each of you will feel blessed because you have his wonderful presence 50% of the time so he never, ever has to feel guilty? Sod that.
If I were you I would start to make plans to ditch the money pit house. Maybe he'd like to buy you out so you can move somewhere more convenient?
TotallyLosttonight · 04/03/2023 21:55
@IDidNothingWrong I’m so sorry you are going through this. My DH did something appalling too and it was down to me to end it as he thought he could apologise, promise to change and it would all be better. I knew it was over though, no going back. This all happened just a month ago. I’ve been through your stage, the complete despair and feeling like I still love him. 4 weeks on, I have found my anger. You will too. Anger makes you stronger, I promise. Every day you get through is a day closer to feeling better. And you will feel better, I promise. We’ll get there, PM me if you want. I hope you get some sleep tonight.
TotallyLosttonight · 04/03/2023 21:57
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 20:19
Our daughter knows, I’ve told her she doesn’t need to take sides and that he still loves her. She’s so very angry and confused about why he has done this. In reality she’s doing better than me, says we will be two strong independent women who don’t need a man. The two youngest don’t know yet, we agreed to wait until Easter so they have time to try and understand before going back to school. I’m really worried how they will take this. They adore their Daddy.
I’m telling my kids in Easter hols too, for the same reason as you. What a shame their fathers weren’t so considerate when they were getting their kicks.
Unicornsaregreat · 04/03/2023 21:58
He won’t be laughing when OW either dumps him, or wants to start a family & he finds himself with sleepless nights & nappies again when he’s in truth too old & knackered for all that.
And as for OW, she’ll always be looking over her shoulder …. Once a cheat always a cheat.
I’ve seen this scenario unfold.
MyStarBoy · 04/03/2023 22:05
He really is a prize bastard to betray you (all) in such disgusting circumstances.
Unfortunately you can't take a short-cut through the devastating pain and betrayal you're feeling.
It's horrendous but I promise, you really will be fine and thriving one day.
As for him, give it time, because he won't be and be prepared for the self-centered traitor to try to come crawling back.
PopGoesTheProsecco · 04/03/2023 22:10
Sorry OP you need to turn that love you feel completely off. I get that you still love him - or the idea of the former him - but in loving him could you have treated him the same way that he’s treated you?
He has not treated you with love. He’s treated you appallingly.
BlastedPimples · 04/03/2023 22:11
This is horrendous.
What an awful man to think he is ok to do this. And pepper his words with patronising "it's not your fault." Damn right it's not your fault. What a skid mark of a person.
He is not the man you love. Seriously. For him to be able to sit with you and plan a future whilst he is still having an affair shows a serious level of dishonesty, cruelty and callousness. All major personality flaws.
My advice ? Nail him whilst he is still being generous over money. This is your future so make sure you get the most of him financially. He's being cruel and now you must be cold, distant, detached and in control.
The words "and the ow is ok with this" really rile. What the fuck has she got to do with your and your dcs future? The arrogance of them both.
Your anger will come. It will probably consume you. But it will be strong and will drive you.
user1473878824 · 04/03/2023 22:16
He's said he'll fix the house and pay above and beyond in maintenance because he feels sorry for you and guilty for what he has done. He won't always feel this way so take serious advantage of this and get it in writing.
this in absolute spades.
I’m so sorry OP x
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