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Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/03/2023 08:32

He shouldn’t have to be asked to pick his clothes up that is something I would expect my children to do. You are not his slave or his boss but his wife and he should be doing these things anyway

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 08:36

In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.

Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 08:42

He should tidy up after himself.

However you are not a SAHM, given the ages of your need an adult dis children, you are a ‘lady who lunches’.

If the deal is that he brings in the dough, and you do the other stuff, you should really do your share. He doesn’t get to opt out of work because he ‘has something on (unless the something is medical or another sort of necessity). You have the entire school week for day time leisure.

If you feel that this does t work, you both need an adult discussion about how to change it, including you getting back to work.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:02

@Newbutoldfather

Whatever . I was major earner until children and went down to part time . He got a good job but meant working away . My job wasn't flexible and for other reasons I need to be at home .
I don't lunch , it's not me .
There is no issue about me not working but it's about his attitude towards me asking for help when he is at home and I can't do something because I'm already busy

OP posts:
MangoPineapple11 · 04/03/2023 09:03

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 08:42

He should tidy up after himself.

However you are not a SAHM, given the ages of your need an adult dis children, you are a ‘lady who lunches’.

If the deal is that he brings in the dough, and you do the other stuff, you should really do your share. He doesn’t get to opt out of work because he ‘has something on (unless the something is medical or another sort of necessity). You have the entire school week for day time leisure.

If you feel that this does t work, you both need an adult discussion about how to change it, including you getting back to work.

There's a difference between picking up all the home duties and him just leaving crap all over the floor and helping with a task or two !
jesus!

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:09

Tbh I wouldn't have said anything about the clothes on the floor. He's working and an active parent at the weekend - you must have oodles of downtime during the week. No judgement from me about your set up but surely cutting him slack is the easier route to a happy home life. He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?

I also don't understand the second issue. He's said yes to the question of whether he's taking DD out. So work on the assumption that he will do that by getting her up and about etc.

Am I misunderstanding something?

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:11

@MangoPineapple11 ,

Do you actually read posts or go into automatic attack mode if a poster is a man?

My first sentence stated that he needs to pick up after himself.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:12

Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

What you do is you read this over and over again until you understand the magnitude of his control.

Then you leave the fucker.

philautia · 04/03/2023 09:14

9 and 15 - are you homeschooling them? If not, it may have got to the point that he is unhappy with you being unemployed. I know I would be, however I'd just say "you need to get a job" instead of being passive aggressive.

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:16

Well he's got up and I've got Dd ready

And yes he's in a mood because I've not replied to a letter that I didn't even know about . It was given to him but apparently he told me and I've not done it .

Clothes on floor is what I ask kids to do as well so I can put on washing machine , uniform etc .

I don't think I should have to ask him to tidy after himself , but I don't think I should do it either .

Everything turns into bad atmosphere , snap backs or arguing.

OP posts:
MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:18

I don't think I should have to ask him to tidy after himself , but I don't think I should do it either .

I agree but can't he just do it in his own time? why on your schedule?

Fullyhuman · 04/03/2023 09:18

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:12

Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

What you do is you read this over and over again until you understand the magnitude of his control.

Then you leave the fucker.

This, unless he can sort himself out and start communicating with you properly.

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 09:19

“He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?”

what the actual fuck?

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 04/03/2023 09:20

Clothes in the washing basket get washed, clothes on the floor get ignored.

They soon learn when they have no clean pants left

ButItHasCheese · 04/03/2023 09:21

That sounds pretty annoying. Not sure how you can sort it short of having a conversation about it.
@Newbutoldfather you're not being helpful - and demeaning (essential) unpaid labour (which is what OP is doing) is awful

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/03/2023 09:21

Who does the housework for him in the week? Can you not go back to work?

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:21

@philautia

We talked about me returning to work . I had a job lined up but he said he knows it's not possible at the moment .
I do want to return to work but then he will have to do more when he's around

I do all housework , cooking , cleaning , shopping etc but sometimes I need him to do something with one child while I'm committed with the other one at weekends. And yes I do expect him to put his dishes in the sink and his clothes in wash basket .

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 04/03/2023 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RunTowardsTheLight · 04/03/2023 09:21

I wouldn't ask him to pick up his clothes - but I wouldn't pick them up myself either. They can just sit there until he does it!

Your DD shouldn't miss out on her club though. I'd give him a shake and remind him that he needs to leave in xx minutes.

Fullyhuman · 04/03/2023 09:22

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:11

@MangoPineapple11 ,

Do you actually read posts or go into automatic attack mode if a poster is a man?

My first sentence stated that he needs to pick up after himself.

How was Mango attacking you?

DismantledKing · 04/03/2023 09:23

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:11

@MangoPineapple11 ,

Do you actually read posts or go into automatic attack mode if a poster is a man?

My first sentence stated that he needs to pick up after himself.

Ah, one of those ‘as a man…’ types.

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:23

I think that you are resenting skivvying. Fair enough, up to a point.

However, there are v few jobs that don’t involve some crap boring work. I bet your husband’s does.

You need to ask yourself whether you would be happier getting a job and outsourcing some of the tidying/cleaning/childcare.

Otherwise, you will increasingly resent one another.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:23

The washing is a red herring here.

Everything turns into bad atmosphere , snap backs or arguing.

This, along with what OP said earlier about not knowing what to do because she fears his reaction, is where the real problem lies.

He is a nasty abusive fucker and OP should not have to live in a situation where...Everything turns into bad atmosphere , snap backs or arguing.

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 09:24

@threecupsofteaminimum why should we accept that men can’t be told/asked to do something. DH isn’t like that and I’m certainly not bringing up DC with that attitude.

Surely you pick up clothes off the floor as you leave the bathroom

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:25

And can we all stop blaming OP because she doesn't have a job? That's not an excuse for her husband to exercise such control over her to the point she is scared to say anything for fear of his reaction.