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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/03/2023 09:45

OP just get back to work. There's no reason why you can't. Shopping and cleaning don't take all week when you have an empty house for 5 days.

IncessantNameChanger · 04/03/2023 09:45

I'd leave his clothes untouched. If they are still there when he goes back to work and put them.in a bin bag next to the landary basket. If it's not in the basket it doesn't get washed. How do you know if needs washing or he is saving it for rewear so your just tidying it until he decides. I do think some men want a mother figure who also provides sex. It's a massive turn off.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:45

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:41

You're making up your own narrative here @percypercypercy amd it's making you very cross. Chill. It's Saturday morning.

I'm not cross? I am sitting chilling with a cup of tea.

I'm pointing out that living in fear of your own partner is not ok, that's not my own narrative. That's basic. Sadly so many people don't recognise abuse and are far too fast to defend and blame the victims of it. No wonder so many women live in fear, when someone speaks up they get bashed right down again.

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:45

Loads of men struggle to be told what to do by women in any context. Yes it's depressing but also the reality that the OP has to work with so she may as well acknowledge that rather than deluding herself that she's not with one of those men.

GoodChat · 04/03/2023 09:45

But no his clothes shouldn't be on the bathroom floor. My 18 month and 3 year old both know to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket.

ladykale · 04/03/2023 09:46

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:02

@Newbutoldfather

Whatever . I was major earner until children and went down to part time . He got a good job but meant working away . My job wasn't flexible and for other reasons I need to be at home .
I don't lunch , it's not me .
There is no issue about me not working but it's about his attitude towards me asking for help when he is at home and I can't do something because I'm already busy

Unfortunately it's relevant because if you are home all the time he will resent then being asked to do things during his rare downtime, when you have downtime basically all the time.

(This excludes picking clothes up off the floor BUT it can be annoying to be told at a specific point. When I'm in a rush or exhausted, I often leave clothes on the floor but will then pick them up when tidying later

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 09:46

MyriadOfTravels · 04/03/2023 09:43

Tbh @SheilaFentiman , he wouldn’t be the first to resent <insert behaviour/set up such as SAHP> whilst still claiming they are ok with it.

Yes, but if you read what she wrote, she had a job lined up and he said he knew it wasn’t possible.

As he works away during the week, that might be why that job is not possible, as Op would have to do all pick ups from after school care, cover all school holiday club pick ups etc.

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 09:47

And if he is resentful, he can put on his big boy pants and talk to her. Being sulky is unfair.

Naunet · 04/03/2023 09:47

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 08:36

In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.

Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!

Ugh 🙄

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:49

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 09:19

“He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?”

what the actual fuck?

What's wrong with that? I don't mean to leave them there indefinitely! Just let him do it on his schedule not hers. No need to mother him, he's not a child. They'll get washed when they end up in the basket.

It seems to be the OP is wasting emotional energy worrying about fairly trivial things.

kljk78 · 04/03/2023 09:50

I would bet there is some built up resentment at the fact he's been away all week, you've been at home (not working), his down time is very little. Now I'm not condoning his behaviour, no adult should need to be told to pick up clothes or take a child who is isn't seeing 5 days a week to an activity, but I do wonder how dysfunctional your home life is. Having the extremes of one parent working away and one not working at all is only going to work if you are both on the same page, and it doesn't sound like you are.

Why does he need to work away? Could he work closer to home and you start working a bit to help towards the finances (but him picking up home slack too). I suspect that will make him strop too though from what has been said!

It just doesn't sound like a very happy home.

perfectcolourfound · 04/03/2023 09:53

So he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor. If he does this regularly (ie he doesn't just forget them on this one occasion), then he either

  • has low standards, doesn't mind them being there, wouldn't mind if the Op left her clothes on the floor and the house generally messy
  • is lazy and thinks it's Ops jobs to pick up after him as if she's his mum / a servant

The first option - I couldn't live like that, but accept everyone is different (having similar standards of cleanliness / tidyness is one of the biggest contributions to a happy relaitonship!)/

The second option - I couldn't live with someone with so little respect for me.

The risk of him sulking / exploding if asked to do something points to option 2 as well.

As pp have said, someone who doesn't have respect for their partner / is abusive, will be like that no matter what the circumstances, but I wonder if you not working is adding to his high opion of himself. I wonder if it suits him to be the one bringing in the money. Then he can tell you (and himself) that all the housework and parenting is your job.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/03/2023 09:54

This is maybe besides the point, but a 9 year old can get herself ready, can’t she? Just tell her to get up and get ready.

Novatherova · 04/03/2023 09:57

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:21

@philautia

We talked about me returning to work . I had a job lined up but he said he knows it's not possible at the moment .
I do want to return to work but then he will have to do more when he's around

I do all housework , cooking , cleaning , shopping etc but sometimes I need him to do something with one child while I'm committed with the other one at weekends. And yes I do expect him to put his dishes in the sink and his clothes in wash basket .

Good you're not a slave. Hes a grown man not a slobby teenager.

PrincessCalley · 04/03/2023 09:58

Just my two pence. We both work full time and I do almost all of the household tasks. I used to get really annoyed with it and we'd argue over it and there would be an atmosphere so a few years ago I said enough. Now I just do it. He does do some DIY jobs around the house and does some outside things but ive learned that my home doesn't have to be show home tidy all the time. I used to put awful pressure on myself to have the place tidy and clean and with small kids that's just impossible. Our kids are getting older now and they (occasionally) help out. I do the housework when it suits me. So what if he doesn't have a clean shirt for work. I haven't gotten around to it yet. He is rather tidy though and I wouldnt have to pick up after him.

He is great with the kids and has lots of other good traits. He's just USELESS when it comes to housework.

BrutusMcDogface · 04/03/2023 09:58

Also, if the only reason you’re not getting a job is because he’d have to do more round the house………then get the bloody job!

EPluribusUnum · 04/03/2023 10:00

He shouldn’t need to be told to pick up his own clothes. That’s one up from wiping his own arse, it’s not housework.

Sounds as if there’s a lot of resentment simmering away on both sides and neither of you sounds very happy. What would happen if you tried to talk to him about it all openly?

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 10:01

@PrincessCalley are you bringing up your DC to accept that husbands/men don’t have to do housework, the woman will do it?

BoredBetsy · 04/03/2023 10:03

Who picks up his clothes when he's away all week?
The fact he expects you to do that makes it seem like he doesn't respect you and sees you as some kind of skivvy.
Stand your ground.

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 10:04

@Onefootinthegroove

I'm not depressed. I'm exceedingly happy. I don't need to attack strangers online to feel better either.

Hope you feel happier soon.

amonsteronthehill · 04/03/2023 10:05

I'd go back to work and tell him he'll need to stump up towards childcare coverage. You're in a tenuous position with his attitude.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 04/03/2023 10:07

He obviously thinks your job is 100% of the house and kids.

I do have to ask - your children are 15 and 9. Do you have a plan to go back to work? He will likely get more resentful and rude the older your kids get. Unless you have another baby I'd look for a job. A house and two school age kids doesn't take all week to look after.

PrincessCalley · 04/03/2023 10:11

My kids will be fine!! But thanks for your concern. My husband works longer hours than I do. I'm home every day with my kids so can do homework with them and bring them so their activities. Hubby isn't home until around 6 so naturally I would do more.

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 10:11

For those telling OP to get a job, she has said they have discussed it but agreed it is not possible at the moment.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2023 10:13

threecupsofteaminimum · Today 08:36

“In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.
Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!“

Have I woken up in 1957? 😂