Page 5 | Husband hates being asked to do stuff

twoblueskies · 2023-03-04T08:28:03+00:00

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere. Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

knittingaddict · 04/03/2023 10:42

MN is fucking unbearable these days. If some posts aren't written by misogynistic men then they sure sound like they are. I'm sure a klaxon goes off too because they always seem to be the first to get to the thread.

Why any sane woman would ask a question on here I don't know? Maybe that's the ploy.

Couldyounot · 04/03/2023 10:42

Anything left on the floor in this house ends up in the bin. Wonder how chuckles there would react to that.

FiddleLeaf · 04/03/2023 10:44

SAHM or not, he’s still their parent and a grown adult. He can pick up after himself and do things for his own children.

That aside, the attitude would be a deal breaker for me.

WinterMusings · 04/03/2023 10:44

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:02

@Newbutoldfather

Whatever . I was major earner until children and went down to part time . He got a good job but meant working away . My job wasn't flexible and for other reasons I need to be at home .
I don't lunch , it's not me .
There is no issue about me not working but it's about his attitude towards me asking for help when he is at home and I can't do something because I'm already busy

@twoblueskies

you firstly need to reframe this in your own mind!!

It's not 'help' for him to pick up after himself.

it's not 'help' for him to take HIS child, he hasn't seen all week, to an activity!

it wouldn't even be 'help' if you asked him to do something around the house. Working away doesn't mean he can treat the home like a hotel!!

Littlefaeries · 04/03/2023 10:44

@twoblueskies my sil didn’t pick his clothes up once too often.
Dd put everything from the floor into a black bag and binned them.
He had to go out and buy more but as dd said they were quite old and he picks up now.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:47

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 08:42

He should tidy up after himself.

However you are not a SAHM, given the ages of your need an adult dis children, you are a ‘lady who lunches’.

If the deal is that he brings in the dough, and you do the other stuff, you should really do your share. He doesn’t get to opt out of work because he ‘has something on (unless the something is medical or another sort of necessity). You have the entire school week for day time leisure.

If you feel that this does t work, you both need an adult discussion about how to change it, including you getting back to work.

You confuse a lady who lunches or any one else who does not go out to work with a slave. Picking up after someone else's crap is no one's job. Maybe you should up your expectations of men. You shouldn't need a 'discussion' about this.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 10:50

@kljk78 , then why say his downtime is very little?
I wasn't trying to school you.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:51

He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?”
Ah yes. He wants to smear shit on the walls you don't want him to do this. Why should your preference trump his?

WinterMusings · 04/03/2023 10:51

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:33

I wonder if you do get a job, if he would stop.

Oh for fucks sake.

Stop blaming OP for his cuntish behaviour.

It's not a communication problem it's a fucking abusive prick problem.

@percypercypercy

exactly 👏🏻

FiddleLeaf · 04/03/2023 10:54

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:51

He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?”
Ah yes. He wants to smear shit on the walls you don't want him to do this. Why should your preference trump his?

😂

I feel the PP is trying to reconcile her own husband’s shitty behaviour

Onefootinthegroove · 04/03/2023 10:56

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 10:04

@Onefootinthegroove

I'm not depressed. I'm exceedingly happy. I don't need to attack strangers online to feel better either.

Hope you feel happier soon.

I didnt say you were depressed @threecupsofteaminimum , I said it was a depressing attitude, which it is.
Men are not naughty children to be trained !
And as for attacking other posters, well stones and glass houses comes to mind .......

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:59

WinterMusings · 04/03/2023 10:41

@Newbutoldfather

and as you seem to be struggling....

'ladies who lunch' have house cleaners, nannies, 'help'. & plenty of money.

the OP us NOT a lady who lunches FFS

The poster is clearly displaying their complete ignorance of what it takes to run a household. They think not going out to earn money means the OP is swanning about doing sweet FA. Who do they think is taking the mental load for everything domestic and with the dc. They are demonstrating what I thought was outdated ignorance of what an unpaid stay at home partner does.

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 11:02

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:47

You confuse a lady who lunches or any one else who does not go out to work with a slave. Picking up after someone else's crap is no one's job. Maybe you should up your expectations of men. You shouldn't need a 'discussion' about this.

Show quote history

Would you also say that paying for someone's else crap s no one's job. If you choose a relationship where one has all the financial responsibilities and the other has all the domestic and child responsibilities - then yes, one is needing to pay for he other's crap and one is needing to pick up the other's crap. In an ideal world adults would take on adult responsibilities and not be fully dependent on other adults but if they choose not to - then yes, her role is to put in 40+ hours picking up crap at home and dealing with the kids just like he puts in 40+ hours to pay for the house and food and clothes and heat and everything else.

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 11:04

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:59

The poster is clearly displaying their complete ignorance of what it takes to run a household. They think not going out to earn money means the OP is swanning about doing sweet FA. Who do they think is taking the mental load for everything domestic and with the dc. They are demonstrating what I thought was outdated ignorance of what an unpaid stay at home partner does.

Show quote history

And he is carrying the mental load for everything financial. The pressure and mental load of being sure your family is housed, fed, and warm with basic needs met and often wants too is a much greater pressure than the domestic mental load of getting to an appointment on time or making sure the spring clothes are now in the cupboards.

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 11:05

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:51

He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?”
Ah yes. He wants to smear shit on the walls you don't want him to do this. Why should your preference trump his?

But he doesn't though, so that's not really a point.

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 11:09

@randomusername2020

I don't have a pathetic manchild. He's an excellent person.

How about have a day off from a total bitch to people you don't know.

Were having a fabulous birthday here!

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 11:09

@Onefootinthegroove

Have a day off

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 11:09

@musingsinmidlife I'm assuming she is putting in 40+ hours around the home during the week. You seem to suggest he gets down time in the weekends and evenings but she doesn't get any downtime. So he works 40kg hours and she works 112 hours a week.

MamOfFive · 04/03/2023 11:11

So hard to put his clothes in the washing basket, such an impossible task you've set your husband.

YANBU. He's being lazy and using him working as an excuse. I'd stop picking up after him and just sort you and the kids on the weekend, he'll soon relieze.

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 11:13

@MyriadOfTravels yeah I would just ignore them. He'll end up doing it himself.

I certainly wouldn't end up nagging him about it (sorry I hate the word nagging as it's usually sexist but in this case it really is the right word!). Although point taken that I guess there's a risk that the DC may then start to think they don't have to do it, in which case I'd expect DH to have sharp words with them.

But this is why it's important to marry someone with similar standards of tidiness I suppose. My state of mind wouldn't be impacted one jot by the knowledge that there's a t-shirt, boxers and jeans next to the shower. It's certainly not akin to smearing shit everywhere as one PP suggested

Onefootinthegroove · 04/03/2023 11:16

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 11:09

@Onefootinthegroove

Have a day off

@threecupsofteaminimum
A day off what ?
Hilarious as your responses are I do feel that engaging with you is derailing the thread , as is probably your intention.

@twoblueskies I have the upmost sympathy for you, no one deserves to be treated in this way, please confide in someone in RL.

YRGAM · 04/03/2023 11:17

I'm sorry but that's not a 12 hour day. You don't do housework constantly throughout the week with a 1 hoir break for lunch, everybody in this thread knows that's not happening.

It does sound like your husband is resentful of you not working, and to be honest I understand why. You have considerably more leisure time than he does, and that isn't fair. If you started to work part time and you both talked about paying a cleaner to come in once a week, you would probably have a much happier home

YRGAM · 04/03/2023 11:20

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 10:59

The poster is clearly displaying their complete ignorance of what it takes to run a household. They think not going out to earn money means the OP is swanning about doing sweet FA. Who do they think is taking the mental load for everything domestic and with the dc. They are demonstrating what I thought was outdated ignorance of what an unpaid stay at home partner does.

Show quote history

Nobody is saying that. They are saying that running a house when the children are over school age is not equivalent to working a full time paid job. I've done both in my life and, unless the job is incredible easy, it's just not true at all and I think you know it

Botw1 · 04/03/2023 11:20

I couldn't live like this but this is the set up you've both chosen.

The house and kids are your job.

He views them as entirely your responsibility and that apparently includes doing everything for him bar wiping his arse.

He has decided all he has to do is go to work. Everything is for you to do so he resents having to do your jobs.

Not a lifestyle I'd choose but you have so....

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 11:21

“It does sound like your husband is resentful of you not working, and to be honest I understand why.”

They have talked about it.
She had a job lined up.
He agreed it wasn’t possible.
It’s in her posts.

if he’s changed his mind, he can say so.

anyway, this thread is a binfire. I’m out. Good luck, op!