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Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
NormasJeans · 04/03/2023 11:22

My husband often works away, and he gets more downtime when he is away compared to if he was at home. There is little to no daily commute, hotel service, restaurant meals and time to do as he wishes in interesting locations once work is finished for the day. Has your husband got used to the easy life whilst working away and is starting to resent the readjustment he needs to make for family life at the weekends? Does he now think he would manage better and have an easier life without the hassle of a family? Has he always been untidy or is this a newer development?

Also, if OP’s husband has become resentful about his wife not working, he needs to say something- not become passive aggressive and create a bad atmosphere.

ThePoetsWife · 04/03/2023 11:25

MamOfFive · 04/03/2023 11:11

So hard to put his clothes in the washing basket, such an impossible task you've set your husband. Grin

YANBU. He's being lazy and using him working as an excuse. I'd stop picking up after him and just sort you and the kids on the weekend, he'll soon relieze.

This.

And clothes on floor means no laundry and no clean clothes for him.

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 11:29

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 11:09

@musingsinmidlife I'm assuming she is putting in 40+ hours around the home during the week. You seem to suggest he gets down time in the weekends and evenings but she doesn't get any downtime. So he works 40kg hours and she works 112 hours a week.

No, I am suggesting they both get downtime during the evenings and weekends because she has 40+ hours during the week to get most of the mundane domestic work done. She could do 30 hours during the work day and 10 hours on evenings and weekends if that works better for the family.

There is no family of four with two school aged kids that needs 112 hours of domestic and child care work a week. Many two parent working families still enjoy time together in the evenings and on weekends.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 11:36

@musingsinmidlife , it's not the same sort of downtime.
If the DH is staying in a hotel or B&B, most of the evening will be downtime.
OP on the other hand will be doing schoolruns, clubs, preparing a meal, supervising homework etc.

Dery · 04/03/2023 11:50

Aside from collecting DCs from school which is difficult unless you’re able to WFH and have some flexibility on hours, what the OP describes doing with her day is the kind of thing working parents fit in round their working week, perhaps with a cleaner once a week.

There seems to be a received wisdom that being an SAHP liberates the other partner to pursue a career but someone in the household needs to bring in money so it is equally the case that the person bringing in the money liberates the SAHP from that major obligation. It’s completely fine if that works for both parties. SAHPs bring something very important to the table but so does the working party.

That doesn’t mean that OP should be picking up after her DH at weekends. Working parents do their own housework when they’re not in their paying job.

But I agree with the PP who suggested that an imbalance has arisen because you are remaining at home and not earning. Based on how you describe your day, it doesn’t sound to me like you need to be at home full time and you would also get some freedom from being in the workplace, especially if you can work part-time/flexibly, which is so much easier now than it used to be.

Zaliea · 04/03/2023 11:56

My grandfather always worked shifts and my grandmother stayed at home. He wouldn't have ever dreamt of leaving his clothes all over the floor for her to pick up! It's lazy and disrespectful. It doesn't matter if you work full time, you should still behave properly - put the clothes over the back or a chair, fold them somewhere, or put them in the wash-box, that's just normal.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 04/03/2023 11:58

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 08:36

In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.

Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!

This is enabling low societal expectations of men.
FFS

Dery · 04/03/2023 11:58

I know the H has said OP shouldn’t go back to work yet but I don’t think it should just be his call and I think it’s allowed an unhelpful dynamic to develop which is creating resentment on both sides.

randomusername2020 · 04/03/2023 12:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

midlifecrash · 04/03/2023 12:08

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 09:19

“He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?”

what the actual fuck?

Indeed WTAF. Well I think I’ll just have a dump on the kitchen table, I mean why shouldn’t I? Very controlling to deny me that choice…

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 12:09

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 11:36

@musingsinmidlife , it's not the same sort of downtime.
If the DH is staying in a hotel or B&B, most of the evening will be downtime.
OP on the other hand will be doing schoolruns, clubs, preparing a meal, supervising homework etc.

He is away from his family for work. That isn't really downtime. I know people who don't travel for work think that working away from home is like a paid vacation but it really isn't.

As a family they made the choice that he doesn't get to be with this family for the week so that OP doesn't have to work. Acting like he won with the lottery with that decision is really unfair.

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 12:11

midlifecrash · 04/03/2023 12:08

Indeed WTAF. Well I think I’ll just have a dump on the kitchen table, I mean why shouldn’t I? Very controlling to deny me that choice…

Show quote history

I think if you went into 100 bathrooms or dressing rooms, you might find that an item on the floor is not this insane, disgusting, mess that you think it is. Most adults can handle an item on the floor for a couple hours until someone picks it up. Just like they can handle a dish sitting beside a sink or a pile of papers on a table. Comparing it to taking a dump on the kitchen table is extremely bizarre.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 12:14

@musingsinmidlife , it isn't a holiday, but I've had some spells of working away when it has been - cosy digs in an area of outstanding beauty, delicious cooked breakfast, work finished at 5.30, so most of the evening free...
No being disturbed by 'Mu-u-u-um?!' Grin

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 12:15

@YRGAM don't tell me what I know. That's the height of rudeness and ignorance. What I do know is that no one's situation is the same. No dc are the same. No house is the same. No one's commute, school hours, pick up and drop of routine, after school club situation, SEN requirement's, level of family support, mental health, physical health... literally NOTHING is the same so I wouldn't dream of assuming the workload of someone else. Perhaps a little self reflection on your part would not go unwarranted.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 12:18

@musingsinmidlife
No, I am suggesting they both get downtime during the evenings and weekends because she has 40+ hours during the week to get most of the mundane domestic work done. She could do 30 hours during the work day and 10 hours on evenings and weekends if that works better for the family.

Nothing you say here addresses the issues the OP is discussing. You are going off on some tangent of general splitting of domestic chores. Picking up after himself is Not. Her. Job. and being a SAH doesn't make it her job.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 12:25

I can't believe people are dumping on the OP. Her dh works away during the week. She is doing the entire domestic job all week. And then he comes home and can't even be arsed to pick up his shit.

OP I feel for you. If you worked there is no way he could work away all week as even with a cleaner you would still have to manage everything ALL WEEK. Are people seriously so clueless that they have no idea what it takes to run a home alone? Yes single parents do it but single parents are run ragged. They wake up and it doesn't stop until they go to bed. Why should the OP live like this when she has a partner? When he's away working, he has peace probably every evening. He wakes up and has nothing and no one to deal with but himself. When he comes home to the flat he is 'off'. He may well do some work in the evenings but this is very different from partners who live at home with the dc. When does she get her downtime?

Thelifeofawife · 04/03/2023 12:31

OP from what you’ve written it sounds like you’re henpecking him. He left his clothes on the bathroom floor (so not actually in anyone’s way) yet you kept on at him - you were going out so did it really matter if he didn’t pick it up until later? And he usually takes your child to club and said yes when you asked if he still was, then say you don’t know whether he’s going to do it and feel you should ask again, but why?! It’s something he usually does so why would he have not on this occasion?

The things you’ve listed as your daily working day, are all the things I did when my DC was younger, whilst holding down a full time job, including caring for an elderly relative.
If your DH is working full time and that allows you the freedom to do so much for your mum and get things done at home without the stress of a job on top, then I think it’s a pretty fair deal that you do the lions share at home without feeling put on. Of course he still has to do his bit when he’s there and not leave everything to you, but he’s taking your DC to club every week so I suspect he’s also doing more (based on your posts I think if he wasn’t you’d have noted it).

I’m not saying this as an attack, it just seems like you’ve lost all perspective and it’s creating resentment in you both. If you want to go back to work then do, and use some of the money from both your incomes to pay for a cleaner/help.

In your update you say he’s done what you’ve asked, so he’s not an arse with a bad attitude expecting you to do everything as others have suggested. You both just need to sit down and discuss how you want things to be moving forward and then stop sweating the small stuff

ladygindiva · 04/03/2023 12:34

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 08:36

In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.

Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!

And my trick is to just not bother with them at all until I meet one that isn't a giant child. I'm 48 and still waiting but I'm much happier single than I ever was having to parent another adult on top of parenting my actual kids.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 12:45

OP from what you’ve written it sounds like you’re henpecking him. He left his clothes on the bathroom floor (so not actually in anyone’s way)
Possible tripping hazard. Room might be hard tiled...
Bathroom might be small...
Who wants to use a bathroom with discarded clothes on the floor...

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2023 12:53

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:09

Tbh I wouldn't have said anything about the clothes on the floor. He's working and an active parent at the weekend - you must have oodles of downtime during the week. No judgement from me about your set up but surely cutting him slack is the easier route to a happy home life. He wanted his clothes on the floor, you wanted them to be picked up. Why should your preference trump his?

I also don't understand the second issue. He's said yes to the question of whether he's taking DD out. So work on the assumption that he will do that by getting her up and about etc.

Am I misunderstanding something?

Nor would I.

I'd have picked them up and dumped them on the floor by his bed.
And I wouldn't be washing them

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 12:53

Thelifeofawife · 04/03/2023 12:31

OP from what you’ve written it sounds like you’re henpecking him. He left his clothes on the bathroom floor (so not actually in anyone’s way) yet you kept on at him - you were going out so did it really matter if he didn’t pick it up until later? And he usually takes your child to club and said yes when you asked if he still was, then say you don’t know whether he’s going to do it and feel you should ask again, but why?! It’s something he usually does so why would he have not on this occasion?

The things you’ve listed as your daily working day, are all the things I did when my DC was younger, whilst holding down a full time job, including caring for an elderly relative.
If your DH is working full time and that allows you the freedom to do so much for your mum and get things done at home without the stress of a job on top, then I think it’s a pretty fair deal that you do the lions share at home without feeling put on. Of course he still has to do his bit when he’s there and not leave everything to you, but he’s taking your DC to club every week so I suspect he’s also doing more (based on your posts I think if he wasn’t you’d have noted it).

I’m not saying this as an attack, it just seems like you’ve lost all perspective and it’s creating resentment in you both. If you want to go back to work then do, and use some of the money from both your incomes to pay for a cleaner/help.

In your update you say he’s done what you’ve asked, so he’s not an arse with a bad attitude expecting you to do everything as others have suggested. You both just need to sit down and discuss how you want things to be moving forward and then stop sweating the small stuff

How is he doing more than the OP suggests. Why do people start making up suppositions? We have to go by what is written not start surmising alternative realities to fit our rhetoric.
In any case, he works away all week so he obviously isn't doing more during the week and as he slept in whilst the OP got up, the evidence and the OPs words suggest he isn't pulling his weight when he is home in the weekend

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2023 12:54

Thelifeofawife · 04/03/2023 12:31

OP from what you’ve written it sounds like you’re henpecking him. He left his clothes on the bathroom floor (so not actually in anyone’s way) yet you kept on at him - you were going out so did it really matter if he didn’t pick it up until later? And he usually takes your child to club and said yes when you asked if he still was, then say you don’t know whether he’s going to do it and feel you should ask again, but why?! It’s something he usually does so why would he have not on this occasion?

The things you’ve listed as your daily working day, are all the things I did when my DC was younger, whilst holding down a full time job, including caring for an elderly relative.
If your DH is working full time and that allows you the freedom to do so much for your mum and get things done at home without the stress of a job on top, then I think it’s a pretty fair deal that you do the lions share at home without feeling put on. Of course he still has to do his bit when he’s there and not leave everything to you, but he’s taking your DC to club every week so I suspect he’s also doing more (based on your posts I think if he wasn’t you’d have noted it).

I’m not saying this as an attack, it just seems like you’ve lost all perspective and it’s creating resentment in you both. If you want to go back to work then do, and use some of the money from both your incomes to pay for a cleaner/help.

In your update you say he’s done what you’ve asked, so he’s not an arse with a bad attitude expecting you to do everything as others have suggested. You both just need to sit down and discuss how you want things to be moving forward and then stop sweating the small stuff

So you've worked to have a clean, tidy house (which is nice to come home to) and he thinks he can disrespect her work?

billy1966 · 04/03/2023 12:55

OP,
He sounds very lazy, selfish and disrespectful of you.

Do not accept it.

I would think returning to work when you can, sooner rather than later.

Sounds like his returning at the weekends brings only petulance, extra work and grief.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 13:01

OP I suspect what is happening is this:
DH is away all week. You do everything all week. If something needs doing it's down to you. From when you get up to go to bed whether it is physical, emotional or mental load, it's on you. The house has become your territory. You have little control in your life other than what you do in and around the house.
Weekend comes and DH returns. He starts doing small things probably, that interfere with your running of the house. You feel like your organisation, planning, hard work, area of control has now been infiltrated.
No one is necessarily bad here but this is a dynamic that is frequently seen in families where one person is away a lot. There is a transition between them not being there and then being there. Your space becomes a shared space then back to your space. Your routines and habits are now not regarded until he leaves again.
Military spouses have a similar version when the serving spouse is away for months then comes home.
You aren't bad. He's probably not either but this needs to be addressed as otherwise you will feel resentful and he will feel like it's not his home. There are resources online that address this issue. It REALLY doesn't help when people shit on the SAH partner saying they are lazy and their working out of the house partner is doing more. They aren't. It's a partnership.

journeyofinsanity · 04/03/2023 13:03

OP if you worked, all that would happen is everything you currently do during the week would still be yours to do as DH works away during week. People seem to have missed this point.
Or you could get a weekend job and then DH would face to do everything during the weekend. 🫤