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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
SnarkyBag · 04/03/2023 09:25

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 08:42

He should tidy up after himself.

However you are not a SAHM, given the ages of your need an adult dis children, you are a ‘lady who lunches’.

If the deal is that he brings in the dough, and you do the other stuff, you should really do your share. He doesn’t get to opt out of work because he ‘has something on (unless the something is medical or another sort of necessity). You have the entire school week for day time leisure.

If you feel that this does t work, you both need an adult discussion about how to change it, including you getting back to work.

Lady that lunches? How fucking rude are you.
please slink back to the sex board where misogynists are welcomed with open arms and the rest of us don’t have to see posts from insufferable idiots.

Beamur · 04/03/2023 09:28

Your husband sounds disrespectful of you. Does he do anything to participate in family life other than financial? I.e are you his wife or his life PA?

Onefootinthegroove · 04/03/2023 09:30

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 08:36

In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.

Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!

What a depressing attitude.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:30

What this probably is is a communication problem. As in, he's not communicating what's in his head. I would expect he's pretty pissed off that he is funding you to have lots of leisure time, and the resentment is building in his head. Hes probably not articulated this. He's 'vocalising' this by behaving inappropriately and childishly whenever you ask him to do anything. Possibly deliberating on purpose to raise a reaction.
I wonder if you do get a job, if he would stop.

cocksstrideintheevening · 04/03/2023 09:32

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:16

Well he's got up and I've got Dd ready

And yes he's in a mood because I've not replied to a letter that I didn't even know about . It was given to him but apparently he told me and I've not done it .

Clothes on floor is what I ask kids to do as well so I can put on washing machine , uniform etc .

I don't think I should have to ask him to tidy after himself , but I don't think I should do it either .

Everything turns into bad atmosphere , snap backs or arguing.

Why do you need to get a 9yo ready?

Anyway, sometime I leave stuff in the floor, I pick it up later, I don't need to be nagged by my husband to do things.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:33

I wonder if you do get a job, if he would stop.

Oh for fucks sake.

Stop blaming OP for his cuntish behaviour.

It's not a communication problem it's a fucking abusive prick problem.

pinkfondu · 04/03/2023 09:33

Op he has as much respect for you as @Newbutoldfather which is zero

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:34

Why do you need to get a 9yo ready?

You can't imagine a situation where a 9yo might need support getting ready?

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 09:35

I bet he wouldn’t be any different whether OP had a job or not

NoSquirrels · 04/03/2023 09:35

Clothes on the floor is shit, because you ask, he sees it as ‘nagging’, bad atmosphere. Of course the solution is he doesn’t leave his clothes on the floor. So that’s his fault. Ignore it.

Kid to club with n a Saturday is different. He usually takes her. You usually do not. You confirmed he was taking her. He said yes.

So why the angst about whether you should ‘get her up’ (at 9 and it’s her regular club, she should be getting up and ready anyway - doubly so if it’s the 15 year old)? He said he would. You didn’t need to worry about that one.

Sounds to me like you need a bit of a family discussion around chores at the weekend (if you’re happy with the weekdays).

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:35

What an odd response @percypercypercy
Where have I blamed the op?!? There is a fairly clear reason why he's possibly harbouring resentment, and this behaviour is how its manifesting.

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:36

How do people know he is ‘abusive’.

Doesnt it rather depend on what he does normally, what the OP is doing later that is so I,portent that she is telling him to drive the child, what the OP does normally etc?

The devil here is in the detail.

He might be horrid and inconsiderate but the OP bMight equally be lazy and dictatorial. There is just not enough info to go on.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:36

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:35

What an odd response @percypercypercy
Where have I blamed the op?!? There is a fairly clear reason why he's possibly harbouring resentment, and this behaviour is how its manifesting.

It's the bit where you ask if OP gets a job it will make his behaviour change.

If you think my reaction to this is odd you have a real problem. People should not live in fear of the person who is supposed to have their back the most. Ever.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:37

How* do people know he is ‘abusive’.*

I just read the posts, very easy.

MyriadOfTravels · 04/03/2023 09:38

He doesn’t want to be at home. And resents to have to do anything, incl stuff that are on him (I’m thinking if the letter!)

He won’t support you going back to work because he knows this would mean him having to do more and he likes his comfort too much.

Id organise myself so that you can start working again. At the very least, it will give a leverage you dint have atm - he knows that you are stuck and will put up with more than you should

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:39

@percypercypercy ,

Everyone reads the posts. Everyone also has cognitive biases, in some cases massive ones.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:39

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 09:35

I bet he wouldn’t be any different whether OP had a job or not

Of course he wouldn't. A man who controls his wife doesn't change, he will just find something else to do it over.

percypercypercy · 04/03/2023 09:40

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:39

@percypercypercy ,

Everyone reads the posts. Everyone also has cognitive biases, in some cases massive ones.

Cognitive bias?

xJoy · 04/03/2023 09:40

If you were a single parent you would/could somehow make working work. Your youngest is 9. You need to get back to work ASAP because you need pension contributions of your own. This guy's ego is wounded by reminder to pick his clothes up off the floor. Why does that create a bad atmosphere??? Because he's too important to clear up after himself? Because he feels you should either have done it for him without mentioning it to him? Because you had no right to call out his mess?

MyriadOfTravels · 04/03/2023 09:41

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:30

What this probably is is a communication problem. As in, he's not communicating what's in his head. I would expect he's pretty pissed off that he is funding you to have lots of leisure time, and the resentment is building in his head. Hes probably not articulated this. He's 'vocalising' this by behaving inappropriately and childishly whenever you ask him to do anything. Possibly deliberating on purpose to raise a reaction.
I wonder if you do get a job, if he would stop.

One small issue here fir me.

It’s not the OP’s job to be his mum and tease what he is thinking out if his mind. He is a fully grown adult. If he has an issue with being the sole earner, he should be able to raise the problem in an adult way.

Id expect more emotional maturity from a grown up man tbh.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:41

You're making up your own narrative here @percypercypercy amd it's making you very cross. Chill. It's Saturday morning.

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 09:42

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:35

What an odd response @percypercypercy
Where have I blamed the op?!? There is a fairly clear reason why he's possibly harbouring resentment, and this behaviour is how its manifesting.

Did you read this from the OP??

“We talked about me returning to work . I had a job lined up but he said he knows it's not possible at the moment .

I do want to return to work but then he will have to do more when he's around”

So they have talked about it. If he’s changed his view, he can talk to her again.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 09:43

So would I @MyriadOfTravels . I don't disagree with you there.

MyriadOfTravels · 04/03/2023 09:43

Tbh @SheilaFentiman , he wouldn’t be the first to resent <insert behaviour/set up such as SAHP> whilst still claiming they are ok with it.

Zanatdy · 04/03/2023 09:44

Whether OP is a SAHM or not he can pick up his own clothes from the bedroom floor. Is he a teenager? I agree though with posters who suggest you get a job so you’ve got your ducks in a row if you do want to leave. I was in a relationship where I was scared to say anything incase it created an atmosphere. Never again - it’s soul destroying.