Page 13 | Husband hates being asked to do stuff

twoblueskies · 2023-03-04T08:28:03+00:00

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere. Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

mewkins · 05/03/2023 21:06

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 08:42

He should tidy up after himself.

However you are not a SAHM, given the ages of your need an adult dis children, you are a ‘lady who lunches’.

If the deal is that he brings in the dough, and you do the other stuff, you should really do your share. He doesn’t get to opt out of work because he ‘has something on (unless the something is medical or another sort of necessity). You have the entire school week for day time leisure.

If you feel that this does t work, you both need an adult discussion about how to change it, including you getting back to work.

Yes, op you should really wait on him hand and foot and pick up all his shit and ensure he never lifts a finger. You are, after all, merely a lady who lunches.

aloris · 05/03/2023 22:21

The OP was complaining about clothes being left on the floor, not about having to do the laundry. I do think actually it is ok for her to be annoyed by this. I just would approach it differently with her husband since he's working away during the week and probably comes home pretty tired. I would just be gentle and explain that you need him to still pick up after himself, but maybe there is something else you can do differently as a family to ensure he gets to recover from his work travel over the weekend.

The reason I think it's ok for her to be annoyed is that leaving clothes laying on the floor indicates that even the smallest aspects of tidying up after oneself are beneath one. Think about what it says. "I, the person earning the income, am simply too important to.. pick up my own dirty underwear off the floor. A lesser person should do it." It's disrespectful to the housekeeper, whether the housekeeper is a working wife, a SAHW or a hired housekeeper. Even people who work fulltime should pick up after themselves: put their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, put their trash in the trash can, scrape their plates into the trash after eating, put their toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, change the empty toilet paper roll, etc. These are just basic aspects of being a person who respects the person who cleans the home.

Even my mother in law told me that my husband needs to pick up his clothes of the floor. That's her son! I think this idea that all SAHWs were just dogsbodies to their husbands is a bit of a myth, actually. My MIL and her sisters and friends all expect their husbands to tidy up after themselves.

In fact, it is extremely difficult to keep a tidy house if everyone doesn't pick up after themselves, because people generate mess on a continuous basis. If the father stops doing it because his work puts him above having to do any tidying up at all, then the children follow, and the mother becomes the lowest person in the household. That is misogynist.

Being the homemaker does not mean that you deserve to be demeaned and that all sh%t work can be palmed off on you.

So I think there needs to be a balance. You can do some nurturing things that accommodate for the fact that working away during the week likely makes him tired. Maybe you can make his favorite meal on Friday nights or make sure his comfy pyjamas are always ready for packing on Sunday afternoons, or refill the travel shampoo containers with the shampoo he likes, or that he has his favorite flavor of granola bars for the train, or that you save episodes of a particular tv show to watch together on the weekend. Little things to make him feel like he's not alone. But he should still pick up his clothes off the floor.

musingsinmidlife · 06/03/2023 19:11

aloris · 05/03/2023 22:21

The OP was complaining about clothes being left on the floor, not about having to do the laundry. I do think actually it is ok for her to be annoyed by this. I just would approach it differently with her husband since he's working away during the week and probably comes home pretty tired. I would just be gentle and explain that you need him to still pick up after himself, but maybe there is something else you can do differently as a family to ensure he gets to recover from his work travel over the weekend.

The reason I think it's ok for her to be annoyed is that leaving clothes laying on the floor indicates that even the smallest aspects of tidying up after oneself are beneath one. Think about what it says. "I, the person earning the income, am simply too important to.. pick up my own dirty underwear off the floor. A lesser person should do it." It's disrespectful to the housekeeper, whether the housekeeper is a working wife, a SAHW or a hired housekeeper. Even people who work fulltime should pick up after themselves: put their dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, put their trash in the trash can, scrape their plates into the trash after eating, put their toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, change the empty toilet paper roll, etc. These are just basic aspects of being a person who respects the person who cleans the home.

Even my mother in law told me that my husband needs to pick up his clothes of the floor. That's her son! I think this idea that all SAHWs were just dogsbodies to their husbands is a bit of a myth, actually. My MIL and her sisters and friends all expect their husbands to tidy up after themselves.

In fact, it is extremely difficult to keep a tidy house if everyone doesn't pick up after themselves, because people generate mess on a continuous basis. If the father stops doing it because his work puts him above having to do any tidying up at all, then the children follow, and the mother becomes the lowest person in the household. That is misogynist.

Being the homemaker does not mean that you deserve to be demeaned and that all sh%t work can be palmed off on you.

So I think there needs to be a balance. You can do some nurturing things that accommodate for the fact that working away during the week likely makes him tired. Maybe you can make his favorite meal on Friday nights or make sure his comfy pyjamas are always ready for packing on Sunday afternoons, or refill the travel shampoo containers with the shampoo he likes, or that he has his favorite flavor of granola bars for the train, or that you save episodes of a particular tv show to watch together on the weekend. Little things to make him feel like he's not alone. But he should still pick up his clothes off the floor.

Leaving an item of clothing on the floor isn't always a deep statement piece. I have a feeling if we surprise visited the homes of everyone on this board, we might find that some posters claiming the high road here have also left an item of clothing on the floor or on a chair etc. Not as a statement but just as that is where they put it versus having a spic and span perfect home at all times. Not everyone is a neat freak who can't handle even one item out of place.

There is a lot of sanctimonious posts like this about how any item left lying around is a sign of disrespect but in reality there are a lot more messy or not neat freak people than this thread lets on.

Original poster

twoblueskies · 07/03/2023 10:18

@aloris

Exactly this , you have put everything I think so eloquently in this reply .

My husband is untidy but he is also reasonable and he gets why I was upset ,I also get that he was tired and some compromise was needed . We have discussed expectations and on the whole we do respect each others workload and as I appreciate what he does he does also appreciate my role and support .

This was a blip that has been addressed .

But some very interesting views have been discussed on this thread , not all that I agree with . Thankyou

OP posts:

MyriadOfTravels · 07/03/2023 11:51

@musingsinmidlife there is a huge difference between leaving a piece if clothing on a chair let’s say in a bedroom/living room and leaving a piece if clothing on the bathroom floor.

In the later case, bathrooms being smaller places, it means everyone has to go round the item or walk in it just to be able to use the space.
For the similar reasons, I’d have issue with clothing in the floor in the living room.
You just cannot ignore that item of clothing.

Clothes on a chair or even on the floor in a bedroom will not be as much in the way and a pain for everyone.

CrazyLadie · 28/06/2023 07:58

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 04/03/2023 09:20

Clothes in the washing basket get washed, clothes on the floor get ignored.

They soon learn when they have no clean pants left

100% many years ago my then partner would always leave his clothes on the floor and it drove me nuts as he had to walk passed the wash basket to leave the room. I told him I would only wash what was in the basket and I wasn't picking up after him anymore. Fast forward to the weekend go to do the washing and his clothes are on the floor, walked right oassed then washed everything else then sat back and wait. 8pm Sunday " Babe where's my work clothes" me in the sweetest voice "where do you leave them babe?" He wad up till 2am washing his work clothes, those clothes made it to the wash basket every single time after that 😁 it's supoosed to a partnership and I don't want an over grown child

Oldmummy69 · 30/06/2023 11:12

To be honest he isnt a child. You cant tell him to pick up his clothes. Thats your standard not his. But dont pick them up either. My partner is very neat and sometimes makes comments about things not being in place. I just laugh at him and tease him about it. If you are turning on each other its a bigger problem with the relationship. No judgement about being a SAHM but it can be tough on your self esteem plus men do sometimes resent the pressure of being the main bread earner as children get older. Perhaps these factors are play into the relationship and causing small things to become bigger issues?

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2023 11:51

twoblueskies · 05/03/2023 08:20

@ZoZoisresting

My duties are , parenting , taking care of elderly mother , shopping , cooking , cleaning , laundry , ironing house maintenance and other household requirements.

As @Colourfulrainbows said when I do all this a little bit of respect by not coming in after a week working away and just dumping stuff and then giving attitude when politely asked not to does not seem unreasonable .
Except according to most of these posters I do not have the right to say
" hey pick your stuff up please " because I'm a woman who is not the main earner .
I still tidied after myself when I worked .

I totally agree with you.

The 'working' partner doesn't have to make MORE work for the person at home.

Does he have a workplace slave?

Zaliea · 30/06/2023 16:14

Oldmummy69 · 30/06/2023 11:12

To be honest he isnt a child. You cant tell him to pick up his clothes. Thats your standard not his. But dont pick them up either. My partner is very neat and sometimes makes comments about things not being in place. I just laugh at him and tease him about it. If you are turning on each other its a bigger problem with the relationship. No judgement about being a SAHM but it can be tough on your self esteem plus men do sometimes resent the pressure of being the main bread earner as children get older. Perhaps these factors are play into the relationship and causing small things to become bigger issues?

For some people that type of thing makes life unbearable though. I couldn't cope with living an untidy messy person. If things aren't in their place, my mind doesn't feel organised, the environment feels chaotic. I suppose if light level and you're ble to tease about it it's ok, but this can easily be a deal-breaker in a relationship, it's very easy to be mismatched like this, although it should show itself very early in a relationship, before you commit to moving in etc.