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Original poster

Husband hates being asked to do stuff

309 replies

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 08:28

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 04/03/2023 10:14

I would calmly sit him down over the weekend and reinstate your respective roles. I am a SAHM, my H earns almost all the money, don't get me wrong I am looking to return to earning but for the time being in the same set up.

I do all the house stuff, food, most of the admin, kids appointments, you know all that. But, I do not expect to be a dad as well.

So after a long working week H has taken one child to football. He takes another out tomorrow morning.

And on top of all that he is expected to be a husband as well as in "can you pump up my car tyres" etc etc.

To be fair he wants to be a good dad, husband, friend and son because that is his life work is just something that has to be done.

Can you not have a conversation along these lines?

AgnesX · 04/03/2023 10:14

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:18

I don't think I should have to ask him to tidy after himself , but I don't think I should do it either .

I agree but can't he just do it in his own time? why on your schedule?

Are you a bloke by any chance? Did it ever occur to you that they shouldn't be dumped on the floor in the first place?

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 10:16

What a fucking ridiculous thing to say.
@DismantledKing , do you normally speak to people like this?

frozendaisy · 04/03/2023 10:18

In regards to clothes left on floor, I would pick them up on a "up down round of house" if I remembered. Picking up a pile of wet clothes or towels is no bother to me regardless of what day it is. Just like how H has to be on call some weekends.

But the attitude towards the children is a very different ball park for me.

Have you just forgotten how to work as a team OP?

Original poster
twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 10:19

Wow , interesting comments here !

My hours are 7:30 wake up with children etc take to school , shop for me and jobs for elderly mum .
Lunch then housework .
Pick up from school at 3 then most nights taking kids to their sports events returning by 8:30 . In bed by 10.
I make that approx 12 hour day .

When I worked I was the highest earner until we had eldest daughter . I worked until youngest was 5 before I didn't have pick ups from school . Then he got a job that covered both our wages and more but meant working away .
Youngest child has additional needs so after school didnt work for her . No additional family support .

All I ask is for washing to be put in washing machine so I can get it washed and ironing done over weekend and family bathroom is tidy .

He's just come down with all his washing from the week away and put in washing machine and taken Dd to her club . so maybe my complaint has been addressed .

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 10:23

Clothes on the floor are in the way of people walking on the floor. That’s why I’m Wtf about them!

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2023 10:25

toomuchlaundry · 04/03/2023 10:11

For those telling OP to get a job, she has said they have discussed it but agreed it is not possible at the moment.

In all likelihood, it is possible. Possibly requiring a nanny for lifts etc, but certainly possible.

People suggesting the op get a job, are doing so to help the op, not to vilify her.

It is clear the op is not happy with this set up. It is clear the husband is not happy with this set up.

The very fact the husband would have to pick up some more hw is a very good reason to get a job.
It would result in a more balanced household.

I would hazard a guess the op is bored. So jumps at the little things.

I would hazard a guess the husband is resentful. So deliberately provokes.

MyriadOfTravels · 04/03/2023 10:25

MisschiefMaker · 04/03/2023 09:45

Loads of men struggle to be told what to do by women in any context. Yes it's depressing but also the reality that the OP has to work with so she may as well acknowledge that rather than deluding herself that she's not with one of those men.

So what’s your solution?
Ignore the clothes on the floor?
The OP putting them in the wash herself?

What about what it teaches the dcs? Mummy is asking me to put clothes in the washing basket but daddy doesn’t bother. Do I really have to??

’Men’ might not like being told what to do by women. But 1- they need to grow up and 2- they need to start behaving like adults rather than a child/teenager. Plus tbh, no one likes to be told what to do….

PrincessCalley · 04/03/2023 10:27

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 10:19

Wow , interesting comments here !

My hours are 7:30 wake up with children etc take to school , shop for me and jobs for elderly mum .
Lunch then housework .
Pick up from school at 3 then most nights taking kids to their sports events returning by 8:30 . In bed by 10.
I make that approx 12 hour day .

When I worked I was the highest earner until we had eldest daughter . I worked until youngest was 5 before I didn't have pick ups from school . Then he got a job that covered both our wages and more but meant working away .
Youngest child has additional needs so after school didnt work for her . No additional family support .

All I ask is for washing to be put in washing machine so I can get it washed and ironing done over weekend and family bathroom is tidy .

He's just come down with all his washing from the week away and put in washing machine and taken Dd to her club . so maybe my complaint has been addressed .

You do sound very busy. Do you take days to chill out? I was off work yesterday and planned to do housework but ended up going for a long run and binging for 6 hours on Netflix. (Did school and activity collection and drop-off)

Some days of doing nothing are needed.

DuchessOfSausage · 04/03/2023 10:27

he's been away all week, you've been at home (not working), his down time is very little.
@kljk78 , I've worked away during the week, and I had loads of downtime. No housework, no cooking, no looking after children.

MangoPineapple11 · 04/03/2023 10:28

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 09:11

@MangoPineapple11 ,

Do you actually read posts or go into automatic attack mode if a poster is a man?

My first sentence stated that he needs to pick up after himself.

I actually did not realise you were a man , have just realised your nickname. Makes more sense now though and my comment still stands 😀

MyriadOfTravels · 04/03/2023 10:29

In regards to clothes left on floor, I would pick them up on a "up down round of house" if I remembered. Picking up a pile of wet clothes or towels is no bother to me regardless of what day it is. Just like how H has to be on call some weekends.

Thats ok if you enjoy doing that.
Personally, I hate being the skivvy for anyone. I’m not a maid. My dcs have been putting their stuff in the wash by themselves since they were little children. It has never been an issue. I expect that to carry on when they are fully grown adults (one at Uni and one ding A level - still never leaving stuff in the floor in the bathroom). I would never accept that sort if behaviour from my DH.

kljk78 · 04/03/2023 10:29

@DuchessOfSausage we have also done the working away in the week situation I don't need to be schooled in it, I wasn't defending him.

furryfrontbottom · 04/03/2023 10:30

Leaving clothes on the floor is just lazy if you are over three years old.

PeaceLilyCactus · 04/03/2023 10:32

Why do you think he’s acting so hostile towards you?

The paid job issue may be a red herring.

Everyone’s assuming that’s why he doesn’t want to act like a responsible adult or caring partner, but it’s more likely he grew up without having to do these things for himself and you’ve become his carer.

Has he always left his clothes lying for you to pick up throughout your entire relationship?

MsRosley · 04/03/2023 10:35

Bad moods are only excusable if something terrible has happened to upset someone. They are absolutely not okay as a form of sulking or manipulation. Your DH is using passive aggression to get his own way, and you need to make it absolutely clear that you won't accept it.

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/03/2023 10:35

Absolutely PMSL at people defending the poor man for leaving his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. I mean, how much do you have to twist yourself up to think this is ok or in any way defensible.

redbigbananafeet · 04/03/2023 10:36

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 10:19

Wow , interesting comments here !

My hours are 7:30 wake up with children etc take to school , shop for me and jobs for elderly mum .
Lunch then housework .
Pick up from school at 3 then most nights taking kids to their sports events returning by 8:30 . In bed by 10.
I make that approx 12 hour day .

When I worked I was the highest earner until we had eldest daughter . I worked until youngest was 5 before I didn't have pick ups from school . Then he got a job that covered both our wages and more but meant working away .
Youngest child has additional needs so after school didnt work for her . No additional family support .

All I ask is for washing to be put in washing machine so I can get it washed and ironing done over weekend and family bathroom is tidy .

He's just come down with all his washing from the week away and put in washing machine and taken Dd to her club . so maybe my complaint has been addressed .

Other parents manage that and work a 37+hour week.

Sweet89 · 04/03/2023 10:37

I'm shocked at some of the responses here, essentially defending the husband because he works and you don't! You look after a home and the children that you made together! Common decency and respect goes out the window because he works? You think this women should pick up after a grown ass man because he's too disrespectful to pick his dirty clothes off the floor after his wife has kept clean and tidy all week? Judgemental, stuck-up snobs

knittingaddict · 04/03/2023 10:37

threecupsofteaminimum · 04/03/2023 08:36

In me experience no man likes being told to do anything.

Th trick is to make it seem like their idea, otherwise agree on certain jobs belonging to certain sides.

Men are basically stubborn / untrained children!

Only the bad ones. Such low standards to accept that all men are like this.

randomusername2020 · 04/03/2023 10:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

WinterMusings · 04/03/2023 10:39

Newbutoldfather · 04/03/2023 08:42

He should tidy up after himself.

However you are not a SAHM, given the ages of your need an adult dis children, you are a ‘lady who lunches’.

If the deal is that he brings in the dough, and you do the other stuff, you should really do your share. He doesn’t get to opt out of work because he ‘has something on (unless the something is medical or another sort of necessity). You have the entire school week for day time leisure.

If you feel that this does t work, you both need an adult discussion about how to change it, including you getting back to work.

@Newbutoldfather

so, she should pick HIS clotges up off the bathroom floor?

so she should take their child to their activity? The child he doesn't see all week, that she does everything for?

she cooks, she cleans, she sorts both kids out on her own all week and she's not a SAHM? Yes her youngest is 9, but 9 year olds still needs their clothes washed, house cleaned, fed & possibly taken to school/collected.

he's away all week, then comes home & leaves his dirty clothes lying around, because he's lazy? Because he thinks his wife should do it??

DFO

philautia · 04/03/2023 10:39

twoblueskies · 04/03/2023 09:21

@philautia

We talked about me returning to work . I had a job lined up but he said he knows it's not possible at the moment .
I do want to return to work but then he will have to do more when he's around

I do all housework , cooking , cleaning , shopping etc but sometimes I need him to do something with one child while I'm committed with the other one at weekends. And yes I do expect him to put his dishes in the sink and his clothes in wash basket .

Is it not possible for a reason you haven't put in your OP? I do all of the things you listed and work full time.

I'm not judging you, I honestly would feel drained to not have something outside of home life. Sometimes my partner puts his dirty clothes next to the washing basket instead of inside it, I just let it go because there is so much more going on in life.

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 10:41

Does he also ask you do to things? I think as long as both of you are giving the other to do lists and wanting things done your way on your schedule then it is fine. The problem is when it is mostly one direction.

It is really unfortunate he has to work away, disconnects him from the family. Can you not find some work so he can get a job with fewer hours and be more part of the family?

Given the kids are in school there shouldn't really be any chores left over until the weekend. If you are going equal hours in the home / with kids as he is at work, everything should get done during the week.

WinterMusings · 04/03/2023 10:41

@Newbutoldfather

and as you seem to be struggling....

'ladies who lunch' have house cleaners, nannies, 'help'. & plenty of money.

the OP us NOT a lady who lunches FFS