Husband hates being asked to do stuff

[twoblueskies]

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

Being a sahp in the vast majority of cases is absolutely not harder than being a working parent.

Especially to school age kids

But of course that doesn't give the ep the right to disrespect the sahp.

Setting yourself up as the only one who looks after the home is bound to lead to issues of expectation and entitlement

Update *

Husband did take Dd to club and when I came home after taking other Dd to club the kitchen was tidy and he'd hoovered and put clothes away . He said he was sorry he was preoccupied and in a mood when he came home and I was not unreasonable in me asking what I do .

So it seems that I'm right , in his eyes anyway .

Pity the poor people who believe their lot is to unquestionably do everything and more .
Thankyou everyone for their thoughts , supportive or otherwise .

Off to do the ironing now . Yes it's Sunday and my husband is having a lie in , and Dd getting their breakfasts

All is calm , all is good 👍

OP, your husband is a dick and he 100% should be picking up his clothes, doing his share with the kids and not be an arse.

The only reason I would be looking for a job is because I would want to be independent and leave the arsehole. Being a SAHM, homemaker or whether is a life choice (and those of us who can't afford it do manage to work and balance kids, caring and house stuff as there's no other choice). I wouldn't be a SAHM if it meant having to be married to a dickhead who moans about picking his own dirty pants up.

@Colourfulrainbows

Seems like she also “gives attitude”. Like breeds like.

When she is a SAHW with school age older children then yes if he worked nearer home all week it would also be fair to expect her to do pretty much all the housework. That’s fair when one parent works and the other stays home when children are older. It’s not like she doesn’t have more than enough time to get things done in the day.

She said he usually takes his child to this thing but didn’t this time - so clearly he isn’t so nothing at all.

Smug update. Really why bother posting if your attitude is “I’m right about everything tell me otherwise and I’ll tell you how right I am”?

Maybe your husband is keeping the peace because it doesn’t seem like disagreement with you is possible.

Agree. Some very valid points made but OP doesn’t want to reflect on her own attitude or behaviour towards her DH.
DH has rightly done things to help out, everyone should do their bit. That now some how vindicates OP so she can keep cracking the whip if he doesn’t do things to her liking and timescales. She doesn’t have to change her attitude one bit. If the roles were reversed everyone on here would be up in arms!

I didn’t say that wasn’t the case, but her DC is in FTE whereas toddlers aren’t, therefore she does have a break and time to do everything whilst they are out

@Thelifeofawife

She didn't ask him to pitch in with the chores she does everyday.

She asked him to tidy up his own mess he had created.

Big difference.

Er he's clearly not a whipped husband , he gives attitude
On this occasion he admitted he was in a mood and my asking him was not unreasonable

I have time to do everything needed undoubtably.

My issue was having to tidy room that could easily be done by thoughtful acts of not leaving it messy

The opinions of others saying I should just do it is clearly a strong indication that my voice in the house should not be heard .

The misogyny in these threads is the biggest shock to me .

@twoblueskies

Me too.

It's actually quite perplexing to me that people believe that you should be picking up after a grown man.

I don't get it. Am however glad that you have managed to resolve and get people can be snappy when tired.

Hopefully it won't be a problem next weekend.

I have no idea what the bug bear is for posters like @TwinsAndTiramisu. I wouldn't dream of criticising someone and suggesting they don't do enough because I don't know what their life really is like.
I am fortunate I know. I stopped working when I had our dc because frankly it was better for everyone. My dh worked ungodly hours and if I had also worked outside the home all the domestic duties not able to be outsourced would still have to have been done by me and all the administration of the outsourced duties would have had to have been managed by me as he literally had no time. Added to which our dc would have had no parents around much at all. DH job required him to travel a lot for weeks at a time at no notice. All holidays, house issues and dc issues had to me handled by me. We moved abroad for his job. He went to work one day in London. He then got on a plane and went to work the next day in a different country. That was the sun total of his move. Every single aspect of moving countries was handled by me. Renting out our house. Renovating it ready for rental. Choosing and visiting schools, finding housing in the new country etc. he was spared any effort in this.
The reward? 7 figure income. He earned millions. It was worth it but it was not easy for me at all. It was work. But I doubt @TwinsAndTiramisu would see it that way. We didn't hire numerous staff. I had a cleaner and at various times an au pair or nanny
DH and I are partners. He treats me like a queen. He now works from home (we are a little older), Makes me tea and coffee all day when he's home. Rushes out any time to get me anything I'm craving. Shares in the taxiing of the one dc we still have at home. He's a gem. I adore him and he worships me. He didn't and never would have left his shit lying around when he was working all hours as he's a decent and respectful human being. I feel so sorry for people who don't have this and think it is acceptable to be treated as such.

I fail to see that a few of you do not recognise the point OP, is trying to make.
She accepts everything about being a home-maker, SAHM.

The point she has been trying to get across is that she struggles with his lack of thought and total dis-respect when he chooses to just drop stuff on the floor for woman at home to pick up. It is a relentless and can be a very hum drum job. I totally understand that this thoughtless behaviour is like a red rag to a bull. It’s the little things that mean so much, and this is the least he can do.

I never said otherwise. I was simply responding to her comment about how she still did chores when he was a SAHP and how it was different to her circumstances now.
I also agree he should pick up after himself. All I said is that he shouldn’t be constantly henpecked to do everything in her timeframe (similarly with her mentioning about taking DC to club). My husband left his clothes on the bedroom floor this morning before going to work and I just picked them up and added them to the wash load I was doing (he would have picked them up later tonight otherwise), literally didn’t affect my day at all. It’s not something he does all the time, similar to what OP’s posts suggest about her husband; if he did it all the time with the expectation that she should pick up after him I’m sure she would have stated that.
Rather than OP sitting down with her DH and coming to a compromise given they live differently during the week, she’s decided her way is right and feels vindicated now so no doubt she will be back with more of the same when her henpecking annoys him again

Except he is spending his weekend morning at home hoovering, cleaning the kitchen and putting laundry away. I am sure she has a long list of tasks to keep him busy all weekend. So her being at home during the week doesn't give him free time or family time on the weekend - it is chores, chores and more chores.

@musingsinmidlife

Well here I am defending myself again against judgement

He made breakfast yesterday and tidied up after himself , he chose to hoover while I went to get something for Dd from shop

Today he had lie in then he went to meet his mates for a bike ride . Will probably drop into pub and game of pool before coming home tonight for a takeaway or he may stay out . As he should .

I'm ironing , he never does and that's no problem

And someone rightly said I accept my role but not cleaning up mess casually discarded

Anyone else want to come hit me with a stick

I'm surprised at how many people have missed the point here and that has nothing to do with your domestic chore arrangements.

You really need to think about why you are living with a man who you makes you second guess what you say to him for fear of his reaction. That is the real problem and it's awful for your DC growing up in a house where the man who is supposed to make them feel safe is actually a cunt to their mum.

@SnarkyBag

"Lady that lunches? How fucking rude are you.
please slink back to the sex board where misogynists are welcomed with open arms and the rest of us don’t have to see posts from insufferable idiots."

🙌🏻

I couldn't be less envious. Sounds rubbish to be so annoyed and entitled.

The issue is one partner working hard all week. One claiming too, but it actually then transpiring they aren't doing that much at all. Then complaining they actually have to do some of the role they agreed to take on, because it's the weekend.

Nothing to do with "woman's work". Just one very full time role Vs one very part time role in this partnership.

@TwinsAndTiramisu

Who is full time ? The person at home with children who gets up at 7 and sleeps at 10 , maybe with a child in the bed
or the person who works 8 hours then retires to a hotel with room service and a restaurant ?

Believe me , I like being home with our children but as I teach my children to respect their things , be kind and considerate to others , that's also how I expect to be treated too ?

Is that wrong ?!

No one should be so entitled though that they can’t complete basic personal tasks such as picking up clothes, putting clothes in the wash, taking their plate through etc. it is just basic respect that one should get from children as well

@twoblueskies

But that's your choice?

Thats how you've both chosen to set up your family life.

Including it seems your dh working away all week and then spending his weekends with his mates but not his family

Two people get up at 7. Person A and Person B.

Two older children, get up, get their breakfast and dress themselves. Person A drops them at school.

Person B goes to the office. Works 8 hours.

Person A goes shopping every morning then to their mum's until lunch. That's 3 hours gone. After lunch they come home and clean a house that they already cleaned the afternoon before (ie very little to do more than once a week), and puts some laundry on. That's another 3 hours passed, then they do the school run. They do make dinner. Put the dishwasher on. Put PE kits out for the next day etc.

One is very much full time, and the other not. Pay regardless. Although not irrelevant because the only way Person A gets to do such part time hours, is because person B funds every living expense and outgoing for them.

If I take 8 hours to complete 2 hours work, it doesn't make me "full time" just because I make it take that long.

No our set up was agreed by my husband working away and me staying at home .

When I say I expect him to pick up things he drops I'm told I'm a henpecking whinging harrigan
who expects to much , is controlling .

Because he works away he sometimes socialises at weekends , no problem with me . I don't socialise in evenings due to being with children . I may chat with a friend during the day with a friend or grab a coffee or lunch but that's my social life .

But seriously it comes down to should I ask my husband to help sometimes especially if he made the mess or just do it

The consensus is very split .

And I don't go and sit at my mums
I call her to make sure she is ok , not lonely . And shop or go round when required .

Did I mention house is 5 bedrooms , 3 bathrooms , 3 receptions and large kitchen and utility .

And of course I don't have a cleaner !

I used to when I worked