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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

665 replies

anon4 · 10/02/2008 15:44

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

OP posts:
DualCycloneCod · 10/02/2008 15:45

tell me about hsi offence.

DualCycloneCod · 10/02/2008 15:45

tell me about hsi offence.

hercules1 · 10/02/2008 15:46

Sorry but you need to ensure there is no contact with your dc. Stuff the busting up of the family.

DualCycloneCod · 10/02/2008 15:46

did dh not know?

largeginandtonic · 10/02/2008 15:46

NO! I would not allow it, at all.

Poor you and poor dh, what a nightmare situation. Your dh must understand though surely?

Sparkletastic · 10/02/2008 15:46

How did you find out? Why had DH not told you before or didn't he know?

brimfull · 10/02/2008 15:46

how did you find out?

Saturn74 · 10/02/2008 15:48

Has your DH only just found out too?
He must be shattered.

Heathcliffscathy · 10/02/2008 15:48

buy yourself some time. if in doubt, reflect, never make panicked decisions under pressure....

so say that you're unwilling to have any contact with him for the first six months of your daughters life and although you are absolutely not promising any different, you will review it together with your husband at that point....something like that?

KerryMum · 10/02/2008 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScoobyDYSONDoo · 10/02/2008 15:48

Sorry but your instinct is probably right, i would follow it, there is no point in putting your dd life at risk, kids are innocent & need to be protected.

I would not worry about upsetting the family, they should fully understand not go against you, it is a serious crime not one to be taken light hearted.

PenelopePitstops · 10/02/2008 15:48

oh dear how heartbreaking for you all, i have no real advice but this osunds liek an awful situation

personally would not allow any contact with children at all

BBBee · 10/02/2008 15:48

what did he do? do you know? that is vital.

Heathcliffscathy · 10/02/2008 15:49

anon, is it possible your dh was abused by him as a child? sorry to even ask...

Onlyaphase · 10/02/2008 15:49

Not up to FILs family what happens re access etc, it is entirely up to you and your DH what happens from now on.

How much do you know about this rehabilitation? Has it worked or could it work?

Have to say, in the same position as you, I would disallow any access of any sort no matter how many responsible adults were present at the time.

hercules1 · 10/02/2008 15:49

Not all families understand this I have to say.

speak2deb · 10/02/2008 15:49

God, what a horrible situation. You must, of course, listen to your instincts and stay well away from him.

My understanding is that paedophiles don't get 'cured/ rehabilitated'. They might learn to suppress some of their behaviours, but would you really want tp take the chance? I wouldn't.

ShakeysGirl · 10/02/2008 15:51

I'd never knowingly let a child of mine be anywhere near a peadaphile. Sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

DualCycloneCod · 10/02/2008 15:51

er anon4 has gone

Heathcliffscathy · 10/02/2008 15:52

hang on though people. if there are fully aware of the situations adults present at all times, there is no risk of anon's daugher being hurt by her grandfather.

i'm assuming her marriage means a lot to her. how does dh feel? what needs to be avoided at all cost is him taking daughter to meet father behind anon's back.

agree that nature of offending is relevant here.

and very important not to panic at all. your daugher is safe. you know who the risk person is, and you will make sure she is kept safe. so no panicking. now you need to decide where your boundaries are.

RubyRioja · 10/02/2008 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brimfull · 10/02/2008 15:53

where's poster gone?

hercules1 · 10/02/2008 15:54

Yes, sophable and cod are right actually.

ShakeysGirl · 10/02/2008 15:58

I do understand the pressure that could be put on you to allow contact. I was in a situation where a friend of the family was a convicted peadophile but i didn't know and used to socialise with him and his family who all knew. I didn't have much contact with my own family so didn't find out until after i'd allowed him to play santa with my sons last christmas. I was sickened and didn't understand why his family hadn't told me - they didn't think it would cause a problem!

Neverenough · 10/02/2008 16:01

The OP has gone.........?troll?

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