Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

as people keep asking... he got the most leniant judge in country - the one who famously only gave two baby-rapists 5-6 years. The judge doesn't belive in locking sex-offenders up and put him on rehabilitation course for 3 years, and he is on sex offenders register for 5 years. I think that jail is unlikely to do any good either - he'll just mix with more paedophiles. He is a pervert. He likes looking at pictures of adults sexually abusing children.

I seem to be in a minority here, but I don't really see the benefit of stating categorically at this stage "you can never see your grandchild EVER".

It is possible to just deal with things as you go along, in line with your judgement.

For example, I think it is an overreaction to not let him see the newborn baby. Let's be realistic - letting him peer into the pram at her face isn;t going to cause her harm and is extremely unlikely to give him a perverted thrill.

As another example, if you make a very strong stance at this stage, you are effectively saying that for all future family gatherings "it's FIL or us". That means you're rejecting DHs entire family, again without there being any particular risk of harm to your Dd or innapropriate feelings.

i also think that the thing that makes sexual abuse worse than other forms of abuse (emotional, physical) is the stigma attached.

someone that has been repeatedly beaten and mentally and emotionally abused has no less had their childhood taken from them, has had their ability to form relationships damaged, has been robbed of innocence and trust in the world.

but the label sexual abuse is so shaming and stigmatised because we as a society cannot deal with it, are hysterical about it and try to make it far far away from ourselves....to put it far away out there.

universal taboos exist because of universal impulses that need to be resisted by society as a whole.

if we were better able to deal with the dark aspects of our own sexualities and the confusion of our own sexual feelings we would be far more able to protect our children imho.

sorry but i have to predict:

cue poster coming on saying 'are you saying i have sexual feelings towards children...you pervert!'

sigh.

What? That is to sophable.

To the OP: Put your DD first, last and in the middle. End of. Do not let your FIL anywhere near your DD.

So sorry for you.

On a postive note re predictiveness...behavioural enquiry indicates that those men who have had intimate bodily contact with their own children are less likely to abuse their ownand other's children. By this I mean changing nappies, bathing, dealing with illnesses etc. This activity itself appears to instill an inhibitive factor in their appraoch, unlike others who are disassociated from anything other than "sexually-based" bodily contacts.

More recently I have been working with Victim Liasion Officers who visit the families of those who have been abused. And the recurring theme IS one of disbelief at what family members have been capable of.
And Maidamess, it is good to know your dd spoke up immediately. Generally men who abuse know which are the one's who are most vulnerable and "less-well defended" in thisway.

Pan - do you mean me?

yes I know as it could have been much worse.

For the majority of us who have never been touched by abuse it seems intolerable to have to live being suspicious of all males.

There must come a time when your dcs will be in the company of men that you don't know e.g. male teachers, child-minders' husbands, fathers of friends, club leaders to name but a few. Are you going to deny your children going to parties, playdates, sleepovers etc? It seems very sad but obviously I can't say how I would feel in your position.

Agree with all that pan, cod and someone else who I cant remember but agreed with cod and pan said.

sorry OLDroot, yes.

Horrible for anon,and she should follow her instincts. And as has been said, peering into a pram is one thing, being in the same room genearlly similar, beyond that would give me accelerated creeps.

Just wanted to say that I was abused by Step-father and I have made sure that he has never met or been in contact with any of my children (8,6 & 3yrs). I am also very wary of any men coming anywhere near my children. My advice would be to not let your fil anywhere near your children. He sounds dangerous to me. Hope you get this sorted.

To play devil's advocate:

MN often declares that normal porn is OK. Do you IMAGINE the thoughts your - say - milkman has about your - say - mother, if you suspected he used porn.

"dd's mum and I agreed on was to not let any male have any free time with dd until she is much older"

Sorry for quoting but am amazed and quite simply disturbed at this attitude Pan - obv it is your right, decision, etc but no male - ever??

I think that will probably lead to even more problems as your daughter will ask why she can't go to sleepovers and whether all men are evil etc. For a start she wouldn't be able to be friends with my daughters as they spend half the week at their Dad's and have sleepovers there all the time.

Why should all men be penalised or suspected because of a minuscule minority? I am saddened by this.

What will you do when she has a male primary school teacher?

I'm sorry I'm trying to read the whole thread but running out of time. Think I agree with the majority of what people are saying, that is, to be wholly sympathetic to your feelings. I would not allow him contact with the children, though not sure that means I would have nothing to do with him. But just wanted to mention, I don't know if anyone has, maybe other people know more specific, but paedophiles are the most likely recidivists after release from their sentence. I'm pretty sure this is true.

Kerry - because I'm not a judge or a jury or God. I'm not in the business of 'punishing' people.

The children he was looking at are still living in a nightmare circle of abuse. Those children have been robbed of their childhoods and my personal feeling sophable is that as a society we are too fixated on sex and where to get our next sexual kick. These people don't care who they damage or destroy, so long as they are satisfied until their next sexual urge. It's a very sex-orientated, selfish society.

The OP is in a very awkward position. anon4, at the minute everything is fresh and raw and your dh is no doubt struggling with his own feelings towards his father. What he says now, and what he says once his baby daughter is born, may be completely different. My advice to you would be to bide your time. Support your dh all you can in this difficult time, see what happens. Make no promises. Short supervised visits could be the compromise, if you can endure that. But I do think that if you support your dh now, he'll be more likely to support you once the baby is born. After all, you are the mother and they have to respect your feelings and opinions too. Be prepared to come to a compromise that you can stomach. But for now I would listen, support and see what happens. Don't be bullied into making any decisions, right now your role is to be there for your dh. Concentrate on that and don't let talk of access to your dd come into it yet, it's far too early to be deciding such things.

Anon4 - having covered some pretty horrific court cases when I was a news reporter I can tell you that level four out of five is EXTREMELY serious and you should not have this man have ANYTHING to do with your child.
My understanding from my encounters with these awful cases is that downloading/ collecting images is often the first step and progression to physical abuse is often made if the opportunity arises. Don't let your child be his first victim.
Fwiw, I wouldn't let him near my PFB even if he was "just" an alcoholic.
Your child will pick up on your fear of this man anyway and will not be comfortable around him or trust him - there is no possibility of the two of them having a normal relationship as your LO will be able to sense something is wrong with the atmosphere, and the risk of an abnormal relationship is too high.
I understand your DH is devastated and will be looking for a compromise, so do some research and get some hard facts on your side - then make your case. Good luck.

I would not allow any contact with your FIL. Fwiw I was sexually assaulted in the street and when I went to the police station they told me that sex offenders start off with less serious crimes, and then progress to very serious crimes. I am sure that this is not true for every sex offender but I think it is something to bear in mind.

If I were you I would not let him have any contact with your child. You are there to protect your child from harm....especially forseeable harm and imo this is certainly something that is forseeable.

I went to a parents evening and it was stressed that children who are abused generally know their abusers.

That said, I would still allow my DCs to be in contact with my dad/brother/other family member as I feel that it is an important part of their development to interact with others.

We were told that the most important and simple way to protect our children is to raise them to be self-confident. An abuser will generally target the least confident child in the hope that the child would not tell.

In this case, of proven paedophile behavour, I would not allow any contact. If the grandfather is saddened by this, then it is his own bloody fault.