Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Hi Ruby! No-self-imposed ban after nearly disastrous Xmas due to too much time on MN!

Thanks for all this. I had to do some work. FIL just been convicted of downloading serious child sex abuse photos (there are various levels and his was level 4 of 5), copying them, printing them, and this went on over a year, involving 1000s of photos. DH did not know - we both found out at the same time. He was not abused by his father, and is absolutely shattered as you can imagine. His wife did not know but has decided to stay with him. Altho as I said the whole family live in a state of denial about many things in their lives and she has many mental health issues. DH has said he will stand by whatever I decide, altho he feels that it is wrong to hurt his mum further in this as she hasn't done anything wrong... i just don't trust any of them.

It's natural not to trust them but there is a big difference between supervised and unsupervised access surely?

I would allow mil to see and spend time with your baby but I wouldn't allow your fil to have any access at all. And if that is the only punishment for his crime, it is far, far too little. What is happening legally?

anon i think you should trust your instint and not allow access ever
even if your they you cannot be 100% percent sure your dd is safe

you would probably be there thiking hs looking at your dd funny

start as you mean to go on, no access no or ever

although mil could see your dd when your there

That's an awful lot of pictures to download - could he have been part of a paedophile group?

I'd be worried that however remorseful he is, however well supervised his contact is, your FIL may know other paedophiles who are not remorseful and not 'family' - just having that link would worry me.

I hope your MIL can see your baby - she can visit alone, can't she?

At the moment, I would not make a final decision on your FIL. Why rush into a commitment or a final yes or no. Don't bow to pressure from your extended family. See how things go, but my gut instinct would be to steer clear.

I don't want to be anywhere near him, and I don't want my daughter to have anything to do with a pervert. I don't trust my mentally unstable MIL not to put her desperation and love for her husband above our daughter's safety. Also, how well does she know her husband if this has happened? she also found out he is an alcoholic at the same time, and she never knew that although it was going on under her nose all the time. See why all my instincts are screaming "don't let her anywhere near them"..? They didn't want me to attend court to hear all the revolting details, but I insisted as I want to know the truth. Now I know I just couldn't face allowing her near them. It is going to be very hard on my husband - he is already having to come to terms with what his dad has done. It is all awful, awful awful. I agree with posts about taking time to avoid knee-jerk reactions, but have allowed several days and their reaction to try and prevent me coming to court made my mind up for me really.

what was he snetenced to

exactly as Cam, cod and sophable. To take the utter moritorium approach is totally understandable.

ONe of the tricky things with abusers IS that we don't know who they are? Thus, as a good, careful pratice dd's mum and I agreed on was to not let any male have any free time with dd until she is much older. Abusers look much like non-abusers, and one can't predict what potential there is.( as we know, most abuse takes place in the home.) So uncles, even brothers, next door neighbours etc are never given an opportunity.

Same as with your dh's dad. And to take the "no contact, never" approach does punish the inncocent here, including your MIL who has to contend with this shame, and the propsect of severely restricted access to her g/daughter. He never has to be alone with her or touch her. This is one of the consequences that he suffers.

The intemperate response is the easiest in the short term. That is it's only merit. IMO.

I would let your MIL see your dd, but no contact at all, supervised or otherwise, with your FIL.

agree KM - I posted after the bit about him being "an alcoholic" and I did pass by the mental health angle. I guess stuff like that merely widens what I woud see as a protective practice. How does one live with an alcoholic and not know?? Mil ability to portect can't be relied upon at all.

you only can judge how you feel but imo if he has any relationship wiht her at all it'll just make him seem liek someone she COUDL trust in an extreme situation( a bit like the soham caretaker) and oyu cant say "well he may seem nice but you cant trust him bla bla" to her as she woudlnt get it
.

as he downloaded and sitributed those images he must haev knwo than this owudl put hsi life in keopardy.

she can still see mIL.

12 000 images is a normal lobrary i am afraid.

pan's the epxert here
id go wiht what he said.

so what was he sentenced to?

What a dreadful situation.

How far away do they live from you/dh, and how often did you see them before this news? Are they/were they a big part of your daily/weekly lives? Is there any evidence/suspicion that your FIL has done more than 'just' look?

anon4, go with your instincts

It's a bit like the intro. of Aids in this country, circa 1979-80 I recall. We , and health care prof. were urged to take 'special precautions' in case someone had Aids. Where as good practices around Hepatitis were enough, and no more ( cleansliness, not sharing needles, condoms - just NOT sharing any bodily fliuds etc.)

Such abuse is so prevalent, and we don't really know who does it, the safeguard of never letting a male have free access to children must be the only way to go.

pan you're so right, and now i understand why the 3 minutes or so that i've left ds out of sight with a beloved male family friend felt wrong to me (am sure nothing would or could have happened, and could heaer them playing football) but in fact no contact alone with male adult is way to go. feel very unfair because female abusers do exist, but i guess they are so much rarer and that affects risk assessment.

So pan, would your children never have the experience my ds had of his Grandad taking him all around the boatyard, talking about his time in the Navy?

Or a kickabout in the park with his Uncle (my brother) who could teach him some great skills?

I find that approach a little OTT. Or is it just men who don't have children that you mistrust?