Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

stuffitall - I'm equally pretty sure you're mistaken re recidivism of abusers leaving gaol. I reckon it will be substance misusers, esp. heroin, and those with drink problems - both on the revolving door of priosn-community.

Wisteria - dd is 8 andshe does have regualar sleep overs at friends - 2 in particular. Both parents, and other children are also present - not a prob. The school teacher thing? There will be a class of 20 others at least. I WOULD NOT accept, and neither would her mum, any kind of individual tuition from a male teacher at such an early age. fwiw.

so if she had a usic teahcer it would have to be female?

I find htat very very saD

Well how sad - will bugger off now.

Agree with Nab3

No contact at all

My dd is 8. her clarinet teacher is male. He is the best int eh area. I would not let her miss out. He has been crb checked.

OLDroot - we'd cross that particular bridge when/if we come to it. But as a rule, no.

actually it makes me cross - you cannot tar everyonoe with the same brush.

KerryMum - Be all you want, but it is rather obvious that a 16 year old making out with a 13 year old (possibly not even knowing her real age) is NOT the same thing as an adult man looking at pictures of 4 year old girls being sexually abused. Although both would be found guilty of 'paedophilia'.

I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by a complete stranger. I can't think what I would do in your situation. There would be 1 billion different emotions going through me, every single one totally oposing. I think I'd have to go by my instinct and that's probably what you'll end up doing.
To all those posters that are saying that they would never leave their lo's alone with a male: despite my own experience I think that's a bit ott. I don't think it's any good for children to grow up with this total distrust of all men. AND like some one else said: not all abusers are men. (although mine was)

anon4 - I agree with your gut instinct. I think that if benefit of the doubt is to be given, it should be in favour of an innocent child.

Kerrymum - my daughter is a sussed and amazingly confident child, She wsa abused when she was 3. by a 15 year old. He had not been crb checked and had emotional problems

We learnt our lesson

I would not then let this effect her life now. the guy is crb checked. he teahcers any number of kids.

God this pisses me off.

Kerry it sounds like you had a terrible childhood. But do you really think every man is capable of child abuse?

sorry if it makes you cross, OLDroot. But that doesn't change anything.
And I'm not Tarring anyone. I'm looking at it logically in a way.

• dd is the most precious thing on the planet. I know that many, many males have a propensity to find young children sexually attractive. We don't even know how many. I don't know you at all >. I have some grasp about how such dynamics can lead to abusive behaviour in some males. I am therefore strongly disinclined to leave my dd in your private care. Nothing personal whatsoever. I expect as a teacher you will understand this.>>

Anyways, back to the OP??

And I do balk even more at the word "animals", but hey.

Time for dinner.

I think that unless you have suffered abuse like Kerrymum has, you cannot say how you would feel.

We think her actions are ott, but in her mind she is protecting her child because she was not abused by just one person, but lots of people. I think if this had happened to me I'd also have a very bleak picture of men.

I only hope Kerrymum that you meet some of the kindhearted, loving, caring and gentle men that are out there.

I think Rhubarb's post is very sensible - I don't know if I could bring myself to be sensible, I think my every instinct would be screaming no - this man cannot ever have any contact with my child. It's a horrible situation to be in and still very raw - and it's something you and your dh need to do a great deal of talking about. I'm sorry this has happened at what should be a really happy time of your life.

But I am with beety on the other stuff - I couldn't live my life if I treated every man I know as a potential paedophile. I would trust my brother with my children's lives, likewise my father, my FIL, and both my BILs - also my best friend's husband. I would have no problem with any of them being alone with my children. And I have been in a situation where someone I knew (dh's colleague's dh) who had been in our house, who we had been out to dinner with on a few occasions, was subsequently convicted of abusing his step-daughters and downloading huge amounts of pornographic images of children. And yes, he was completely 'normal' and I liked him - but as I only knew him on a superficial basis I would never have left him alone with ds1 (we only had one child then).

I try and protect my children as far as I can - I wouldn't leave them alone with a neighbour, or a man I didn't know very well, of course I wouldn't. I have been known to worry about football courses ds1 has gone on - as I fill out the forms and read the information about how all their staff are CRB checked, there's still a little nagging voice inside me that gives me pause. But I absolutely cannot and will not treat men I know and care about as potential paedophiles - where does that stop? Surely the logical extension is that you can't trust your dh/dp with your child alone?

I feel very sorry for you Kerrymum, you musthave had a terrible childhood.

BUT I find what you say very offensive.

I agree with OLDroot

I allow my DC's around males, females are capable of abuse too.

TO the OP, this is a similar situation to what I found myself in, my stepdad was an abuser, he abused me, and later in life he had 'relationships' with two underage girls (13 and 15), to me that was enough to stop him being around my children.
My mother got a choice, him or us, she chose him, I cut her out.
I would make the same decision again every single day.
An enabler is as bad as an abuser.

yes, I do think that is a rather upsetting comment you are making to Oldroot.

what a disturbing thread

i thinkt he no male hting is hysterical tbh