Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

I think I would be worried that, if he has so far restricted himself to downloading porn, that he might progress to worse if given the opportunity. (If he has not done so already)

I would not allow him contact with my DCs and would only allow MIL contact in my own or DH's presence. Since she is being blind to his alcoholism and his paedophile leanings, I do not think I could trust her to protect my child.

So sad for you and your DH

actually tbh i'd be fine with my dad having ds on his own.

urhghg. tis a really tough one as sometimes there is an instictual thing that goes on too....but i guess in the rare cases when it does happen, carers instincts weren't enough to protect the child.

You say he is a 'convicted' paedophile..sorry have only skimmed some of the posts. What was the courts disposal of this matter?

Yes, I appreciate that. I just think that the attitude of 'we must NEVER let our children be alone with any male ever is a little skewed, and what does it teach our children about men in general (the majority of who are not abusers)

Perhaps if I had some personal experience I would think differently.

Well, maidamess, I do think people make their own individual decisions. and if you are comforatble with g/dad's time with your ds, and his uncle's time with him is very valuable, I am no-one to protest about that decision.
I would only say that one cannot entirely know what the potential is, and whilst you consider there to be 'no risk' to ds, I would quietly disagree. Abusers are not in any way stereo typical.

And, no. Not just those without children.

agreed, you cannot ever know someone isn't an abuser sadly.

i really do have a huge problem with use of the word pervert i have to say.

namechanger for obvious reasons!

i am in exactly the same position as you, found out about my fil about a year ago. my dd is 2.

i think you have to put your family first. you are responsible for your dd, not your mil so you must put her first. your mil is probably in denial, and can't cope very well with this. awful shock for her (and for everyone).

i really commiserate. it's a horrible shock. go with your gut instinct and worry not a jot about the family,

You need to find out about the story. If it was because he made out with a 13 year old, it is different than looking up 2 year olds' skirts, imho.

If his conviction was because of an underage teenager, I would allow access to his granddaughter. Under discreet supervision, of course. When she is 5-6, I assume you will have a conversation with her about how it is not appropriate for ANYBODY to touch her/undress her/undress before her. Make sure you mention grandfather in that conversation.

If he was caught with a toddler, I would prohibit all contact. Not only with your baby, but also with yourself. [And hope he throws himself off a cliff soon. Such people don't deserve to live.]

I beleive that more harn=m is done by not allowing this sort of contacty - individual male contact -

My ds love their time with db

Oh, Kerry I'm sorry if something awful happened to you.
And Pan, I can categorically say it has never entered my head, not for one second ,that was a risk of child abuse when my child was with a male member of my family. Even thinking it shocks me!!

You may think I am being naive and I am sure a lot of people on here have had horrendous experiences. I am lucky not to have had to deal with that.

But to have it at the back of your mind the whole time....that doesn't sound right to me, sorry.

And to the OP, trust your instincts. They will tell you whether a situation needs to be of concern or not.

tbh - I have never thought twice about it.

even though dd was abused by her male babysitter.

With a loved one, whom I trust it would not occur to me to not allow one to one.

the numbers of images is a bit of a red -herring - it becomes a habit for some men. Having zillions doesn't make them 'more risky' than someone with 100 or so. It's the type of image, any recurring features of them, how often they were viewed ( it is possible to detect this). and I too baulk at the word pervert.

so what did he receive as a sentence???

OLDroot - I am a pretty much surprised by your posts, after reading your one re your dd's abuse from the babysitter.

I totally understand the reaction of absoloutely no contact

but

he is her grandad at somepoint in her life she will start to ask questions. Perhaps as a teen seek him out herself without your knowledge. If you set very strict boundaries and rules, half the mystery is gone. Perhaps going against your instinct just now will erase potential problems when you have far less control of your daughter's decisions and wherabouts.

It was an awful time.

but at 3 she told us straight away - it only happened the once as far as we can tell- and she trusted us to tell us - and we dealt with this.

BUT I would not stop my children from haivn time with my family becasue of this. There has never been a hint of anything in any of their lives. they make mine and my chil=drens lives richer

Obviously if someone has experienced abuse, that element of trust with others has gone. But please don't assume all men are abusers in waiting!

i think the big fat problem here is that collectively we WANT men who sexually abuse children to be different, to be completely 'other' to the men in our lives. we want to be able to tell. we want to be certain that this or that beloved man could or would never.

but paedophiles imo are NOT a breed apart. they are men who for the most part have been abused themselves, they may be family men they may be good fathers (i can hear the collective intake of breath lol) and husbands and brother and uncles. and they may have sexual feelings towards children and unfortunately and with horrendous consequences act on them.

I will not do this
I will not live inf ear
I will not let my kids live in fear