Dear all - sorry for not posting too much - work full-time, and health of unborn daughter, tears at 3am, and mine and DH's emotional welfare were priority for last few days. I am overwhelmed by your amazing response (am new to MN).Have already decided that any contact with FIL is never going to happen (and thanks for advice on not giving photos, hadn't considered that).
The issue about MIL is trickier, as I feel deeply mistrustful of her judgement, especially as she obviously doesn't know her husband, stays with him out of her own vulnerability, is in denial about other areas of their life, and has pretty severe mental health issues herself - has to take anti-psychotic drugs). However DH has always had a close attachment to her (he speaks to her every day) due to her vulnerability and she has incredible capacity to make him feel guilty. It would devastate her to not see her first grandchild, but I don't trust her not to use our child to try and make her husband feel better, 'reformed', trusted. Maybe MIL should have access with DH, in a public place only? I don't think I can bear to see her when she choses to stay with a paedophile. But I have another 3 and half months before I have to make decisions about that.
I feel rather in limbo as am still waiting for obsteric counselling appointment (was told it would be within a week, but one and half weeks later have not heard anything). Really want to talk through issues first with 'neutral' person, get thoughts and arguments straight, then act on both emotion and instinct but also reason and evidence. Then have full and frank discussion with DH about how I feel about his mum - going to be very hard, and scary. Have already told DH this is what I want to do, and in the meantime she is not allowed to contact me.
Had dreadful pressure from her immediately after the shock of being told to confirm we would allow them access (as he was so terribly sorry and was going through rehab). She also tried to prevent me going to court to hear the evidence against him. When I attended court (telling her I was only there to listen to all the evidence) I deliberately turned up at the very last minute to avoid seeing them, but unfortunately still ran into them. She gave me a hug, and (get this) said "go and give him a kiss, it'll make him feel better. he needs to know you love him". I still feel sick thinking about it - her total lack of judgment and appreciation about how I was feeling towards her vile husband. I can just imagine her saying that to our daughter.
Have also had pressure from other family members, including one from an aunt telling me not to be so 'judgmental'. She has nothing to risk - she has to just turn up at the odd family occasion and her two boys are both grown up. As one poster said, the family need us to cooperate to keep going as if nothing is wrong. I do feel stronger in my resolve not to allow access and be a 'tool in their rehabilitation' (as another poster put it). Thanks for your support and advice. I have especially found the posts from survivors of abuse brave and inspiring and I thank you all for your posts.
PS - feel wonderful about our daughter, she is jumping and twirling in my belly, and it delights me beyond words. xxx