Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Oh KM you have my utmost respect. I just wanted to say that. I also think you are doing the right thing with your boys, I don't think you sound irrational at all given the circumstances.

KM - sorry for upsetting you or being insensitive yesterday, was not intentional I promise or meant to infer anything that others said. It's a subject which tends to bring out strong emotions in everyone.

Everything you said below is very useful and the following website is quite thorough in signs and key indications of abuse I think.

here

feelings remain but not hard ones. it was wrong of me to get angry, something I thought I was above to be honest, but some of the things you said to me did upset me too - so we'll leave it there.

On reading my posts back in the cold light of day I can see how they came across/ were miscontrued but it really wasn't intended to be like that, I was really just concerned. It has given me food for thought though.

Wellie
just to add to KM's post.
And having thought about it for a while -
I personally would be bothered by a relationship that seemed to complicated IYSWIM. My abuse started when I was a toddler so I had no memories before it happened and had no concept initially that it was odd let alone wrong.
My abuser ( in retrospect) very cleverly isolated me and that wasn't through threats initially but through treating me as 'special'. He would give me gifts that he didn't give to my siblings and would give me extra attention. My siblings not surprisingly became pretty naffed off that I got treats and presents that they didn't and that seperated me from them and reduced my ability to talk to them.
He would also tell me that my siblings didn't like me - that in fact no one liked me except him and that I needed him or I would be alone. This very very early manipulation made it easy to them plant the 'no one would believe you and they will hate you' ideas that came later.

I would also be very protective of a child that seems in anyway shy or lacking in confidence. A person who is inately confident will be much less likely to accept anything they don't like or bothers them. I think this lack of confidence and security is the reason why so many victims are victims of more than one abuser. io think in a base feral way paedophiles instinctively read a vulnerable child. I was one of only two that my first abuser picked and we were the quietest and the two who felt less significant of all the children.I should add I was from a very very loving home and only circumstance caused this lack of confidence.

The other thing is really really know your child. When I hit about 10 I started to act out. I started saying now and he would sulk and stop speaking to me. He would start lying about things I had done wrong to get me into trouble. I stopped performing at school although I was still attending and doing well. Unfortunately the little things I did still didn't ring anyones alarm bells.

I have to stress thatanyone who thinks that a small child will be scared or revolted by an adult who is abusing them would be missing a huge pattern of behaviour. Once a child is sufficiently isolted and sufficiently dependent they may spend lots of time quite willingly with their abuser because the sad truth is that that adult may be incredibly attentive and even loving for 90% of the time. ( hideous isn't it)
It is incredibly complicated and i suspect I am confusing rather than clarifying but I really feel this is important. A child may well not be scared or alarmed. But the relationship on some level will show signs of being other than adult/ child .
I think it is just importanat to be aware of that possibilty.
My kids mix with adults freely. I am just very careful and I do watch for anything that seems strange. I think there is a way to be careful without isolating your child but when I err it is on the side of caution.
I hope this makes sense.

Oh and I have to add something although it may seem like scremongering it is again just to assist anyone who may feel uncomfortable about an adult but doesn't understand how these things can pan out...
I was never once ( to the best of my knowledge and recollection) alone in the house with my abuser when I was abused.
I think he particularly enjoyed the idea that people were only next door or downstairs.
And apparently not once in 12 years did any of the other people in that house realise. Beacuse they trusted him.

I know KM. I read your posts. I was just trying to add another pattern of behavior to help Welliemum.... or confuse the bejesus out of her . one of the two.

pagwatch - just to reiterate kerrys post - i too was an outgoing confident person....

just like abusers - the victims of abuse do not fall into any pattern...

Ok .
Just to reiterate.
Just added some notes on my expereince.
Not suggesting it was like anyone elses.
Not suggesting all abuse is the same.
KM had posted about her experience. I refer to hers posts in mine.
Just added mine as it was different.
Clearly should have kept quiet .

I was fairly quiet as a child (mainly because my mother was terrifying) I said I didn't want to be alone with him, but was left alone. I remember being incredibly upset once at my grandparents because my grandmother was going to a WI meeting and wouldn't take me. That was to be one of the worst days and I can't forgive her for putting me in that situation. I was rarely alone in the house with him, but tthat didn't make any difference. He would come in to my bedroom at their house early in the morning, or would do it when she was out and my brothers were in the garden. He would even do stuff while people were in the same room pretending he was playing. He was very coniving man, very clever with his words and very good at mind games. He was well respected by many people.

I have to say that I think I would know if my children were reluctant to be around certain people and if they ever displayed signs of being uncomfortable around someone then I wouldn't allow them to be. But then I am not my parents. My mother was very self centered and a bit of a loony tbh. She had 6 children and wouldn't have coped if I hadn't done the majority of the child care. And we weren't a deprived family, we were apparently normal. My parents didn't really notice anything that went on with their older children at all.

It's sad and it is still sometimes difficult to come to terms with, but it has made me the mum that I am and I know that my children are my world and I would do anything in my power to protect them.

And at a risk of being flamed, and IN NO WAY minimising the hideous, unimaginable experiences of some people on her, please remember that if 1 in 5 children are abused (still don't know how that figure is arrived at) 4 in 5 aren't. And some men are abusers, but most aren't.

Pagwatch, your experience sounds very similar to mine. Gifts and treats that I didn't want and would openly dismiss (though no-one ever took any notice of that), quiet, withdrawn until I got to 14. My schooling suffered. I am by no means stupid and could have easily passed way more GCSE's than I did.

Seeker, you are right, but 1 in 5 is still an awful lot! And no most men aren't abusers which is why I don't vet every man in my childrens lives. But we do need to be aware and we need to speak out if we do feel a child is being abused.

Seeker
not going to flame you for that. As I said my kids mix freely with a wide circle of adults. Just answering Wellies post.
And my alertness ( ok - thats not a wrod) to the possibilty of harm is the very thing that allows me to feel comfortable in their freedom.
They are probably going to be safe. But just like watchingthem when they cross the road until they are big enough to do it themselves, it is my job to keep a cautious, but not irrational eye on their safety.

dammit !
word

Couldn't have put it better myself Pagwatch. Exactly as you say, because it happened to me, I am much more aware and alert.

Kerry
I really hope you are not referring to my post which had the word irrational in it but was not in any way directed at you. Not at all. Not in the slightest.
I was simply saying that I make sure that i am alert but not irrational. I am quite sure I would be capeable of being irrational about it given my background.
I have not said anywhere anything about your parenting. Not a word. In fact I am pretty perplexed at your .

Welliemum, signs that my parents could have possibly picked up on..hmm let me see....

Oh yes, maybe when I was 11 and my abuser told my mum I "had nice tits". Or the fact that I was never in the house, would come home from school shower and go straight out. I fell behind at school, got endless detentions (that I never turned up for). The detentions were for not doing my homework..well I could never be at home to do it, I would walk the streets all night instead.

Oh and when I told her what was going on, I would have thought that might give the game away. But it was my best friend see, because she was a nasty little bitch and had put ideas into my head .

Childline ads said "tell someone, dont think you wont be believed", but some folks do denial pretty well. On the odd occasion mum will still tell people how much trouble I was, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Kerrymum - but you don't object to calling the standard of care I provide my children as "not doing my job as a mother"

just another interesting stat re about "being believed".

In 1986, the number of "adult Contacts made" prior to intervention < defined as police being informed> was 10.

By 1996 < the last survey I am aware of > this had dropped to 3.

This won't be much comfort to those who have been abused in the past, perhaps. But it is a mark of how as a society we have progressed in flushing out this tragedy.

Thank you very much to the posters who've answered my question. I really appreciate that. It makes hard reading but I think this is very good knowledge to have.

As a Mum of little girls I'm trying to inform myself as best I can in the hope that if the worst happened I would be able to read the signs and work out what's going on - yet I know that people who were in every other way great parents have missed the signs, which is a very sobering thought.