Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

asnd hwat an odd world to bring a BOY up in that he is cuckolded by worryign women. never allowed one on one time wiht a man

We cannot protect our children all of the time. As much as we'd like to, we just can't. We can do everything in our power to keep them safe, but then we have to try and make sure that we don't suffocate them at the same time. Parenting is always a tricky balance, getting it just right is nearly impossible. And even if we do everything right, everything in our power to protect them, things can still go wrong.

I clearly remember reading a journalist's interview with a paedophile, he was asked what could have prevented him from raping and killing a little girl and he said "perhaps if she was strapped to her mother, but then I'd probably have killed the mother too". Chilling stuff.

I let my 7yo dd cross our quiet road to play in the school playground by herself knowing full well that she might be hit by a car crossing the road, or she might be snatched as she plays by herself, in fact I can think of 100 things that might happen to her. But I know that she also needs to be able to have the freedom to enjoy her childhood. I don't want to take that away from her. So I see it as a calculated risk, as she gets older the risks will probably get greater as she demands more and more freedom.

To the OP I would say that you now know your fil has these tendencies, so you and everyone in his family will be watching him like a hawk. You are in a better position than if you didn't know. How many times are our children exposed to paedophiles that we don't know about? At least you have that knowledge and he knows that you know, which makes your dd safer.

But for now, just listen, watch and wait. I doubt very much that your dh will let your fil have unsupervised access to your dd once she is born. He will fall head over heels in love with her, he will experience love he never thought possible, to the extent that he would die for her. So just wait until she is born and do not be drawn into future scenarios just now.

I wouldn't knowingly let my children be in the company of a paedophile. I just wouldn't. This is not because I think he/she might do anything - knowing someone is a paedophile probably makes it the safest thing, because you won't leave them alone with your kids for a second. No, it is more that I would know what they were capable of and I could not be in their company or have my children there without it screaming in my head and I would find it so very very upsetting. What on earth would you SAY to them? What could you say to them. How could you have a natter and a coffee with someone who likes to abuse children? A whole herd of elephants in the room!

As with most debates everyone has their own opinions. These are usually based on personal experiences. Sexual abuse is a highly emotive subject and so I think it is important to listen to what everyone posts. We may not all agree but how can anyone who has not been sexually abused really understand? We all have gut reactions. My gut reaction is to have nothing to do with the FIL.

i woudlnt let my ds/dd be wiht hte OPs FIl as he isnt nice

thats it
heis a shit

why shoudl she see him
what IS the benefit?

I wouldn't allow access to a man who has a history of abuse.

My mother was badly abused by her uncle.It has made me very wary of all male carers I am afraid,can't help the way I feel.

No, I've thought about it some more and I couldn't do it - not even five minutes with me and dh in the room. Tbh, I'd find it hard to spend any time with him myself even with no children in the equation at all...I couldn't have made small talk with dh's colleague's dh after the event (even if he hadn't been in prison...) I know it's different because he's family - but sometimes I think family forfeit their familial rights. This might be one such time.

My gut reaction would also be to steer clear. The reason I'm erring is because it is her dh's dad, and just imagine how he feels right now. No matter what your father does, he is still your father and no doubt her dh loved him as a dad and thought he was loved in return. That's why my advice is to support her dh, allow him to digest and accept the fact that his father is not the person he thought he was. Wait too, until the baby is born because her dh will feel very differently once he is holding his baby daughter in his arms.

But if he still wants his dad to see his grandchild, you may have to make a decision. Either allow it with your rules and regulations in place, or put your foot down and say No.

Also agree that unless you've been abused, you cannot say that someone is ott. It is an emotive subject and everyone has different experiences, I think we need to be sensitive and respect that.

quick word on female sexual offenders, as itwas raised.

year on year, these amount to less than 1% of convictions. AND, the majority of those are for offences against adults, v. mainly male adults.

also, those against children are for aiding and abetting a males abusive behaviour.

if I remember correctly, there are approx. 3 and a half thousand men in prisonat any one time for sex offences. There are usually about 50 such women.

less than 1% of sex-based convictions, that is.

Maybe Pan, but IME, the wife often knows and ignores, depends how you feel about that, is that abuse too?
I think it is.

agree VS.

BTW, My point of the wife knowing, the OP's MIL now knows, it is not impossible that she would pretend not to see anything going on under her nose.
My mother will swear til her death bed she didnt know what was going on in our house, yet she lied to social workers in front of me so she must have been hiding something.
Her justification of my stepdad (aged 40) leaving her fr a 15year old (her best mates daughter, my DD's babysitter) was that he ahdnt slept with her
No course not, and I'm sure he had no intention of it either

I would just like to point out that a clear CRB check only means someone has never been convicted of something, not that they have never done something. It is not wise for anyone to feel totally happy because of a clear CRB check.

I too reject cod's "hysteria" thing. There is a clear rationale to it.

anaon, any king of relnship with your dd anf this man will be dangerous. you will be setting up a trusitng relnship fromt he outset by allowing access. Also this access will drive you barmy, everytime he is near your child. its not worth it. perhaps dh should have a word will pcs who arrested fil , and ask their opinion, or talk it over with a counsellor. he is mad to even ask, i wouldnt even let mil have photos...
cod etc are right.
good luck, how awful to be facing this decsion at such a wonderful time, ban him and move on and enjoy your dd when the time comes.

but do you two think that perhaps becuase fo your epxeirences /works you may be ( and i say this interstedly not trying ot cuase a ruccus) a little too lcosse to hom,e
ie that your balance in life has gone a bit?

Sometimes it's bloody impossible to not trust men around children, and I think it's pretty OTT, by all means be careful and aware, and always encourage your chldren to be honest and open with you, but not trusting any man, ever, is silly.
What about when I had to go into hospital in an emergency the other day? Should I have not left my DC's with BIL and waited an hour til his GF could get there?

not at all, cod. Conversely, it contributes to being made more aware of the issues involved. Are you suggesting I know too much?

ye sbut oyu knwo how sometiems being au fait wiht thigns can maybe make you TOO alert as you onyl do see the nu'as?