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Original poster

Teenage daughter going away with her boyfriend. Would you be OK with it?

207 replies

HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:14

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year. They are both 16.

He has asked her to go away overnight with him in the summer holidays. They will both be 17, will have been together for 18 months by then and will be going alone.

I don't have a problem with it. She's reluctant to tell her dad because of the way he has overreacted to, well, pretty much everything! I've said she can't go without telling him in advance, which she has agreed to do, but I know he will be bouncing off the walls about it.

Would you be OK with this?

OP posts:
CakeIsNotAvailable · 28/02/2023 07:17

Yes, I would be fine with this in principle - they'll be 17 and it's a stable relationship. Are they both fairly sensible?

The only issue is that most hotels won't allow a booking unless there is one guest over the age of 18, so they may struggle to arrange this unless going with an older friend or relative.

gogohmm · 28/02/2023 07:18

Mine did, went camping

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:20

CakeIsNotAvailable · 28/02/2023 07:17

Yes, I would be fine with this in principle - they'll be 17 and it's a stable relationship. Are they both fairly sensible?

The only issue is that most hotels won't allow a booking unless there is one guest over the age of 18, so they may struggle to arrange this unless going with an older friend or relative.

Ah I hadn't considered that, that they might need someone over 18 with them!

Might need to look into that some more then.

Thanks.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 28/02/2023 07:20

I'd be fine with it. What was he doing at 17? What exactly would he be worried about?

FourTeaFallOut · 28/02/2023 07:20

I wouldn't be okay with a husband who behaved in such a way his family lived on tenterhooks like this. Why does she have to tackle her Dad? Why aren't you telling him to behave like a reasonable adult and not intimidate your daughter?

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:20

gogohmm · 28/02/2023 07:18

Mine did, went camping

Thanks.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 28/02/2023 07:25

I'd be OK with it as long as they are both fairly sensible and are careful.

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:26

He's not my husband anymore. Largely because of the way he reacts to things...

He was very pure and chaste and was a virgin when we got together at 26. He has some very funny ideas about sex and believes it's something that men want and women should resist. So it's not that he was up to anything but we've been divorced since she was 6 and hasn't really got used to the idea of her growing up. He kicked off when he found out that, for their first few dates, they'd walked around the lake at a local park and gone for a coffee because of all the bad things that could have happened.

I just wanted to see whether my thinking was in line with other people's- that's it's fine - they'll be 17, in a stable relationship and where they clearly love and respect each other.

I have to frequently advocate for her and defend her when it comes to things he says. Ultimately, I've told her that he should know (as her parent and in case anything should happen) but he doesn't get to veto it - he can't actually stop wr from going but he'll make his feelings on it well known to all. Along with what an irresponsible and uncaring parent I am for agreeing to it.

OP posts:
chocolateisavegetable · 28/02/2023 07:32

Yes absolutely fine and he really needs to be more understanding or risk alienating her (not a dig at you).

SunflowerTed · 28/02/2023 07:36

Yes I’d be totally fine with it

BumpyaDaisyevna · 28/02/2023 07:38

I think I'd be fine.

But I think you should say that you will discuss with her father and then give her your joint decision together.

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:38

No, I know its not a dig at me. And I agree, thanks. He's already pretty much alienated our eldest. 🙄

But of course it's never him. It's their ingratitude/unreasonableness and me badmouthing him. He has no choice but to say the things he does because we/they push him to it.

Classic stuff really but I didn't realise it until it was too late. Fortunately, they have far better boundaries than I did when I met him and they have me. But sometimes, I just like to check own thinking is in line with others.

He can be quite cruel in what he says if they don't comply with his wishes/direction.

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 28/02/2023 07:39

BumpyaDaisyevna · 28/02/2023 07:38

I think I'd be fine.

But I think you should say that you will discuss with her father and then give her your joint decision together.

Ah sorry, I see you're not together any more.

Stepuptowardsinfinity · 28/02/2023 07:39

At 17 it isn't really up to you to say yes or no to be honest. At that age I'd expect her just to keep you informed as to where she was and when she'd be back. Anything else is her call.

electricmoccasins · 28/02/2023 07:39

Yes, it’s fine. I was doing the same at 17.

yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 07:39

I think you need to protect her from a dad rather than throw her to the wolves so to speak, I wouldnt be happy making her tell her dad for him to over react. You should talk to him.

icouldbutno · 28/02/2023 07:40

Bit confused at 17, when she doesn't live with him, why she needs to tell him her whereabouts?

She's told you, so you won't be filing a missing person's report. Why does she have to tell a controlling, unreasonable man where she is going?

In the nicest possible way, could it be so that you don't have to deal with the fall out from him when he finds out she went without telling him?

If he becomes unreasonable, shouty, disrespectful, then block him, both of you.

Mummys · 28/02/2023 07:40

Totally fine at 17 in a stable relationship. I wouldn't be asking the father based on what you have posted here, just tell him

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:45

BumpyaDaisyevna · 28/02/2023 07:38

I think I'd be fine.

But I think you should say that you will discuss with her father and then give her your joint decision together.

He doesn't discuss.

He sends me lengthy messages running them down for some perceived misdemeanour. But doesn't engage when I suggest we talk about it properly. So I just end up with 20-30 messages of accusations amd criticisms of them which is largely unwarranted. Or had a grain of truth initially but where he has run with it and fabricated an entirely false scenario. And he does similar with them - spams them with character assassinations. He does love them but is emotionally disregulated and doesn't control his feelings - it's their/our fault he responds as he does and not his responsibility to manage it.

So we won't he able to present a joint decision on it because he will say no and then not move from it.

I don't feel any responsibility to consult with him about it but I do think he needs to know. Just in case.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:46

Mummys · 28/02/2023 07:40

Totally fine at 17 in a stable relationship. I wouldn't be asking the father based on what you have posted here, just tell him

That's more what I was thinking. Present it to him as a done deal. I'm not intending that she ask his permission. Just that she informs him where she is going, when, how they are getting there and back. The usual details.

OP posts:
yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 07:47

@HowWouldYouRespondToThis just in case of what? So you have no intention to protect her despite knowing how unreasonable he is, but you are going to force her to tell him even though it's not his business? Why not let her decide? If you're not willing to help her with her dad, you shouldn't be stipulating what she does with him.

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:50

icouldbutno · 28/02/2023 07:40

Bit confused at 17, when she doesn't live with him, why she needs to tell him her whereabouts?

She's told you, so you won't be filing a missing person's report. Why does she have to tell a controlling, unreasonable man where she is going?

In the nicest possible way, could it be so that you don't have to deal with the fall out from him when he finds out she went without telling him?

If he becomes unreasonable, shouty, disrespectful, then block him, both of you.

I've agreed to her doing other things he knows nothing about. He would only actually know she has gone if something 'bad' happened. But I need to be mindful of that being a possibility because bad things happen. So yes there probably is a bit of concern about his reaction if he found out after the fact. He can be very vicious and nasty.

I would tell him myself but I've told him things in the past and he's used that as a reason why she's not mature enough to have done it in the first place. He just doesn't see his role in it at all.

I'm also trying to preserve her relationship with him as she loves him and still wants one so anything that causes unnecessary hostility feels a bit like poking the bear.

I guess we'd both be happy with him not knowing at all but not sure how 'reasonable' that is.

OP posts:
minmooch · 28/02/2023 07:51

She and you don't need to tell her Dad. At 17 she's quite capable of making her own decisions and a right to a private life, as long as she does not put herself or anyone else in danger.

Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:52

yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 07:47

@HowWouldYouRespondToThis just in case of what? So you have no intention to protect her despite knowing how unreasonable he is, but you are going to force her to tell him even though it's not his business? Why not let her decide? If you're not willing to help her with her dad, you shouldn't be stipulating what she does with him.

I have helped before and its made things worse for her.

If the consensus is that he doesn't even need to know because I do, I'm quite happy with that! But I don't want to make a decision that will ultimately make things worse for her.

He has told her in the past that she should be able to tell him things herself. So thought that might be the best way of her managing him. But maybe not...

OP posts:
SoCrossAboutThis · 28/02/2023 07:52

Yes I would be ok with it. And if I thought my dh was going to blow up about it I’d be telling him myself not expecting my 16yo to tell him and if he started ranting I’d be telling him to calm down and explaining why his reaction was unacceptable.

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