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Original poster

Teenage daughter going away with her boyfriend. Would you be OK with it?

207 replies

HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:14

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year. They are both 16.

He has asked her to go away overnight with him in the summer holidays. They will both be 17, will have been together for 18 months by then and will be going alone.

I don't have a problem with it. She's reluctant to tell her dad because of the way he has overreacted to, well, pretty much everything! I've said she can't go without telling him in advance, which she has agreed to do, but I know he will be bouncing off the walls about it.

Would you be OK with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:53

minmooch · 28/02/2023 07:51

She and you don't need to tell her Dad. At 17 she's quite capable of making her own decisions and a right to a private life, as long as she does not put herself or anyone else in danger.

Tbh, that's good enough for me! And probably her too. Yes, you're right.

It's his responsive to manage his relationship with her. If his reaction to her means she doesn't want to tell him stuff, that's on him.

OP posts:
SoCrossAboutThis · 28/02/2023 07:53

Or not telling him at all, especially as you don’t live together

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 07:54

i think it’s ok not to tell him… and if you do, can you leave it until just before she goes and go with something like:

”Dd is off camping with friends in Sussex this weekend”

Sunbird24 · 28/02/2023 07:55

At 17 I don’t think she does need to tell him - she is old enough to decide for herself and deal with him going off on one if he finds out afterwards. And unless you also have younger DC I don’t think you actually need to have any direct communication with him any more either, let alone have to put up with the sort of ranting you describe! I’d be tempted to block his number.

AmoebicSquid · 28/02/2023 07:56

At 17 it's non of her dad's business- they sound like a sensible pair.
They don't need your abusive sounding ex's 'permission', don't give him the power to upset or control you and yours anymore.

I would find out if she has birth control covered though.

MerryMarigold · 28/02/2023 07:56

I was going to say: don't tell him. It will stop his (unreasonable) anxiety. And help their relationship. I think the preservation of your DD's relationship with her dad is probably more important to her then absolute transparency. Having said that, if anything 'goes wrong' you will need to help her out of it and not turn to him to sort it out.

MyopicBunny · 28/02/2023 07:57

Yes, I went away abroad with my bf when I was 17 and he was 19.

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 07:57

yhjn84 · 28/02/2023 07:39

I think you need to protect her from a dad rather than throw her to the wolves so to speak, I wouldnt be happy making her tell her dad for him to over react. You should talk to him.

This. If he is unable to respond in a reasonable way, she should not have to tell him. She is 17. He loses the right to know what legal things she is doing if he ‘bounces of the walls’ when she tells him.

ibunofit · 28/02/2023 07:58

And I wouldn’t tell him either. He just loses the right to know.

icouldbutno · 28/02/2023 07:59

Do you have younger children with him? If not just block him. You don't need to deal with any of this (and support your DD in ignoring his reactions, if she doesn't want to block, she doesn't have to engage with the madness).

At 17 and beyond, his expectation that he knows things about your DD is entirely dependent on the relationship he builds with her. He has no right to know anything about an adult woman, which she will soon be.

mumonthehill · 28/02/2023 08:01

I think at 17 if you trust them both, know where they are going and when coming back then it is fine. I do not think you need to share the info. Ds at 17 used to go off and stay away, i would know where he was but not full details about who was with him. You just have to trust.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:04

My dd went away with her bf last summer for a couple of nights. They were both just turned 17. They stayed in a very nice youth hostel. Most hotels won't let you book without an adult in the party, but a lot of youth hostels have private rooms. They had a great time, and tbh, I felt more relaxed when she was away with him than I had previously felt when she went away with some of her female friends.

They are still together and planning another trip this summer. She's also going away with his family for a week. They will both be adults by that time, so they're free to do whatever they like!Smile

Someone mentioned ensuring that she has birth control sorted...I would hope that the OP has already discussed this with her dd as she has said that her dd has been in a relationship for more than a year.... and they certainly don't have to go anywhere for stuff to happen!

Smoky1107 · 28/02/2023 08:06

I would say it's fine, my elder daughter did this at just 18 and my youngest is away with her boyfriend and family and she'll be 17 the day they come back

Better they tell you than do it behind your back

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:06

I also agree with not telling her dad. If he is as controlling as you suggest, then he has lost the right to know.

OriginalUsername2 · 28/02/2023 08:08

Your ex sounds exactly like mine. The kids got to teen age and decided to move on from him and we’re a lot happier and mentally healthier.

Any way you could switch up this power dynamic? Otherwise you may as well still be with him, if you see what I mean.

TeenLifeMum · 28/02/2023 08:11

I can’t understand why you’d tell him - not his business. Completely fine for her to go away with bf but I’d probably check with her re contraception.

FrenchandSaunders · 28/02/2023 08:13

I wouldn’t tell her dad, she’s 17 and it’s none of his business, esp with his history of unreasonable behaviour.

I have two DDs (now early 20s) and I am still with their father. However, there are certain things they have told me over the years which I haven’t shared with DH. They don’t need to know everything about their DDs!

ILiveAt64ZooLane · 28/02/2023 08:13

It would most likely be yes but it would depend on where they were going and where they were staying while there.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 28/02/2023 08:15

In the kindest possible way, it's time for you to switch up some of your thinking. In Scotland, children are considered adults at 16 - I left home at 17 and know more than a handful of DCs who will be going away to uni before their 18th birthday. So that obviously informs my thinking, and also I don't have your Ex to deal with who clearly infantilises his DCs.

But you're also infantilising her, which I don't blame you for, but I wonder if you know that you're doing it, and probably doing it in response to your X's behaviours and beliefs?

She doesn't need to tell you anything and she doesn't need to ask your permission - she needs to be courteous (mum, I'm not going to be at home for the three nights so don't worry about me) and it's a bonus if she can talk things through with you (BF has asked me to go away for the weekend, what do you think?).

What are these 'bad' things that can happen - that's your X's thinking.
And why are you getting streams of messages from him? Surely you don't need to communicate with him at all if your youngest is 16 now? She's old enough to decide for herself what she wants communication to look like, you don't need to take any responsibility for that.

Disengage from him. Try to adjust your thinking around her. Let her grow up. Once you stop thinking 'what will your dad say' about everything your DD does, you will be able to reframe your thinking, which will save both you and DD lots and lots of stress.

(And PS - they'll probably have split up by then and it will never happen...)

Usernamesarenoteasy · 28/02/2023 08:17

In a long term stable relationship, yes I think it's fine for them to spend the night away.
As for telling her dad, as someone with an ex husband who sounds pretty similar to yours in some respects, I wouldn't tell him. My kids are slightly younger, but there is a LOT I don't tell my ex, partly because I don't feel he needs to know, and partly because of the fall out that would happen. I don't want him taking anything out on the kids if he's not happy.
It's not really fair to set your daughter up to have an argument with her dad when really, it's none of his business.
As long as you know where she is, I think I'd just really appreciate that you have such a great relationship with her that she can have these open and honest conversations with you.

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/02/2023 08:17

He doesn't need to know, assuming she doesn't live with him so wouldn't be missed overnight. At 17 she could reasonably move away and have a totally independent life from both of you, if she wanted to.

In the vanishingly unlikely scenario that anything 'bad' happened (and bad enough to tell him) then surely to god his concerns would lie elsewhere at that point.

So she (and you) would be unreasonable to tell him, if you know it's just going to cause stress and arguments for everyone.

PeaceLilyCactus · 28/02/2023 08:17

You sound like a very caring and thoughtful mum. I don’t think it’s your responsibility to try and preserve their relationship. If he ruins his relationship with his children, that’s on him. I’d leave the decision with her. If you don’t have any younger children to communicate about, I’d be blocking his messages too. You divorced many years ago and he’s continued to abuse you long enough. You don’t need to justify yourself or your children to him any more. You owe him nothing.

JennyDarlingRIP · 28/02/2023 08:20

At that age I went to Berlin with a male friend, genuinely nothing more in it but my parents couldn't have been sure of that and then I went with female friends to faliraki of all places!
She seems sensible and in a mature loving relationship for her age, so nothing to be concerned about, to be honest at that age you can't really stop it anyway.

Dogsitterwoes · 28/02/2023 08:20

He doesn't need to know.

A little comment - not a criticism - why does it make a difference to you that it's a long term loving relationship? Safety or morals? I'd actually prefer that at 16/17 my child was not too serious about anyone, it's too young to get tied down, these early relationships should be respectful but essentially just for fun. Including sex if they want. I think it's a dangerous message that sex should only be in a loving, serious relationship, I've seen too many teenager's stuff up their futures because of too strong attachments.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:23

Re bad things happening... the thing is, they probably won't. And if they do, you will tell him at the time. Her dad knowing that they are going to go away together won't actually prevent anything bad from happening, so it makes no difference.

I get that you're essentially covering your own back by wanting her to tell him, so that you don't get blamed later if something were to go wrong. But I think you're just stuck in the same controlling pattern from your previous relationship. You don't have to tell him, and in the unlikely event that something did go wrong, it won't be your fault because you didn't tell him. He doesn't need to know, and he has lost the right to know because of his previous behaviour.