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Original poster

Teenage daughter going away with her boyfriend. Would you be OK with it?

207 replies

HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:14

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year. They are both 16.

He has asked her to go away overnight with him in the summer holidays. They will both be 17, will have been together for 18 months by then and will be going alone.

I don't have a problem with it. She's reluctant to tell her dad because of the way he has overreacted to, well, pretty much everything! I've said she can't go without telling him in advance, which she has agreed to do, but I know he will be bouncing off the walls about it.

Would you be OK with this?

OP posts:
autocarrot · 28/02/2023 10:14

Blimey, @HowWouldYouRespondToThis, I think you and I have the same ex husband.

I wouldn't tell him anything at all, because he doesn't need to know. People who act like dicks don't get the privilege of being told things that don't actually affect them.

My youngest child (also a DD) is now 18 and there are loads of things she has done that her father hasn't known about. All my DC have done things that I have judged to be okay but which he'd have used as a reason to belittle/criticise them. I'm all for facilitating and encouraging as good a relationship as anyone can have with a thoroughly unreasonable father, but that doesn't have to involve putting my DC in a situation which ends up with them feeling rubbish about something that's perfectly okay.

Laurdo · 28/02/2023 10:14

I would have absolutely no problem with this. I'm in 2 minds whether telling her dad is a good idea. She's technically an adult so he doesn't need to know or approve everything she does. I'd worry about him saying something that would take the shine off something she's probably really looking forward to. If he wants to be kept in the loop about things then maybe he should show his DD a bit more respect and behave better.

autocarrot · 28/02/2023 10:16

I wouldn't worry about telling him "just in case". What matters is that you know what your DD is doing and who she's doing it with. In the unlikely event that something did go wrong (heaven forbid), then his reaction to not having been told in the first place would be the least of your problems.

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:17

He needs to know … just in case … of what?

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:18

The more information about the father, ranting and criticising … why on earth are you and DD giving him any specific information at all

bellswithwhistles · 28/02/2023 10:18

I wouldn't be ok with it. It's like you're actively encouraging her. At 17 she's still a child under your care (yes, on the brink of adulthood but still very much needing adult direction)

I'm pleased I knew my parents would say no as it prevented me having to go away with a BF at age 16 (who was pressurising me massively and just wanted time on his own with me) - it gave me a legitimate excuse.

Far too many woke parents on this thread. Your child is there to be guided - not for you as an adult to actively be encouraging their sex life whilst still a child under your care.

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 10:20

bellswithwhistles · 28/02/2023 10:18

I wouldn't be ok with it. It's like you're actively encouraging her. At 17 she's still a child under your care (yes, on the brink of adulthood but still very much needing adult direction)

I'm pleased I knew my parents would say no as it prevented me having to go away with a BF at age 16 (who was pressurising me massively and just wanted time on his own with me) - it gave me a legitimate excuse.

Far too many woke parents on this thread. Your child is there to be guided - not for you as an adult to actively be encouraging their sex life whilst still a child under your care.

They’ve been together a year, and it will be 18 months by the summer. Pretty sure sex has or will happen whether they go away together or not.

GoldDuster · 28/02/2023 10:20

The delusion of people thinking they can control when their teenagers start shagging is hilarious! Imagine believing that you had that power. I'm going to let you into a secret.... they're doing it anyway, they just don't respect you and your fear based rules very much and they're not telling you anything.

I have been having lots of very fun healthy sex since I was just turned 16 and I didn't get pregnant until many years later, have managed to have a successful career, travel the world solo, have some children, and guess what, I STILL don't need a man!

OP, you don't have to tell her dad. She doesn't have to tell her dad.

Her dads relationship with his daughters is not yours to curate. If he can't behave in a way that makes a good relationship with them possible, there is nothing you can do to remedy that, and you don't need to try to make it "right". I know what it's like to have a difficult ex who still likes to have the lines of control into you, you don't need to tell him.

If something "bad" happens, you'll be more focused on sorting that out than worrying about him losing his top. Try not to make decisions based on him punishing you for bad behaviour. This is a hangover from your relationship with him, but it's been a long time you've been apart. Cut the ties, he doesn't deserve the respect you're affording him.

Kennykenkencat · 28/02/2023 10:23

HowWouldYouRespondToThis

Why are you trying to preserve a relationship with her father?

At 17 the way he behaves I would not be telling him anything and if your daughter doesnt want to tell him then why should she.
If something bad happens then what will the difference be.
He has brought about the scenario of him being the last to know with his character assassinations and set ideas.

You know what his response will be so just carry on and tell him minimal stuff or cut him out completely.

Life will get a lot easier without someone like this in it

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:26

bellswithwhistles · 28/02/2023 10:18

I wouldn't be ok with it. It's like you're actively encouraging her. At 17 she's still a child under your care (yes, on the brink of adulthood but still very much needing adult direction)

I'm pleased I knew my parents would say no as it prevented me having to go away with a BF at age 16 (who was pressurising me massively and just wanted time on his own with me) - it gave me a legitimate excuse.

Far too many woke parents on this thread. Your child is there to be guided - not for you as an adult to actively be encouraging their sex life whilst still a child under your care.

Thank god I am not alone on this.

Yes teenagers have sex and will do what they want anyway we were all young once but fcs at least actively discourage it.

Inastatus · 28/02/2023 10:28

@Andypandy799 - ok, maybe not controlling but how do you ‘discourage’? Good luck with stopping your son having sex until after Uni!

Topseyt123 · 28/02/2023 10:28

I'd be fine with it. I wouldn't bother telling her Dad either, especially as she herself isn't keen on keeping him in the loop.

Why are you still communicating so much with this pain in the arse? That is giving him licence to butt in and make problems when he should be doing the opposite. Just block him. No more communication needed now surely. You aren't co-parenting toddlers.

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:32

Inastatus · 28/02/2023 10:28

@Andypandy799 - ok, maybe not controlling but how do you ‘discourage’? Good luck with stopping your son having sex until after Uni!

Yeah ikr not going to be easy with a boy 😳

I discourage it by telling her to keep away from boys as they are trouble. She’s always been quiet and reserved like her mam so I think I’m safe.

TBH most the lads in her school or road men as they are called nowadays don’t appeal to her at the moment, she’s much prefer to read a book.

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:34

@Inastatus oh and with both dc I’ve focused on not letting them grow up too quick and set appropriate boundaries with screen time etc from a young age, for example no you tube until 13 etc

Catonahottin · 28/02/2023 10:38

Yes, I would have no problem with it. They are in a stable relationship and they presumably aren’t virgins anyway.

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:38

bellswithwhistles · 28/02/2023 10:18

I wouldn't be ok with it. It's like you're actively encouraging her. At 17 she's still a child under your care (yes, on the brink of adulthood but still very much needing adult direction)

I'm pleased I knew my parents would say no as it prevented me having to go away with a BF at age 16 (who was pressurising me massively and just wanted time on his own with me) - it gave me a legitimate excuse.

Far too many woke parents on this thread. Your child is there to be guided - not for you as an adult to actively be encouraging their sex life whilst still a child under your care.

It’s not the parents sex life to control.
You are missing the point entirely. Young women of 17 are in charge of their own bodies and should be encouraged to have their own decisions to look after themselves and choose their life. It’s not really anybody else’s business, suggestions and information are good but the choice does not belong to the father or the mother

Inastatus · 28/02/2023 10:39

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:26

Thank god I am not alone on this.

Yes teenagers have sex and will do what they want anyway we were all young once but fcs at least actively discourage it.

Show quote history

There is nothing ‘woke’ about it. 16 is the legal age for sex, it’s just an acceptance of the truth, especially when they are in an established relationship.

Of course you should talk to your teens about sex and healthy relationships but don’t pretend sex is not going to happen. My mum was very strict and refused to talk to me about anything like that - even periods! I had sex at 15 and she had no idea! I’d much rather my DD be able to talk to me about stuff than feel she has to hide her sexuality from me.

Becoming an adult is a gradual process, you don’t go from child to grown up overnight - the OP’s DD will be 17 but you think she shouldn’t go away for a few nights with her bf but as soon as she’s 18 she could move in with him and the OP would not be able to stop it!

gogohmm · 28/02/2023 10:40

To be honest in the circumstances you describe I simply wouldn't tell him. Do ensure there's no tracking devices on her phone, he sounds like he's capable of such things. In a few months she may leave home afterall! My dd is still with her boyfriend 4.5 years later saving for a house, never dismiss young love (my parents met at 14&16 still married!)

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:42

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:32

Yeah ikr not going to be easy with a boy 😳

I discourage it by telling her to keep away from boys as they are trouble. She’s always been quiet and reserved like her mam so I think I’m safe.

TBH most the lads in her school or road men as they are called nowadays don’t appeal to her at the moment, she’s much prefer to read a book.

Show quote history

Sorry? Not going to be easy to discourage a boy ? But a girl must be controlled? I thought males and females are supposed to be equal in the 21st century
talk about double standards

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:43

I’m amazed at what I’m reading here

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:44

@Inastatus just because something is legal here doesn’t make it ok. I’m some parts of the world it’s 13 and others 18

As with drinking 18 here between 14-21 elsewhere. I don’t want my kids doing either as a child’s brain is not fully developed at those ages.

Just because I drank and smoked weed at 13 and finger blasted lasses in the local park bushes doesn’t mean I want my kids doing the same.

I am proud to have conservative morals as a parent but equally respect you have very liberal values. I’m sure we wouldn’t get on if our kids were dating that’s for sure.

GoldDuster · 28/02/2023 10:47

@Andypandy799

How did your parent's discourage you from sex?

Just because I drank and smoked weed at 13 and finger blasted lasses in the local park bushes doesn’t mean I want my kids doing the same.

I am proud to have conservative morals as a parent

And at what age did your conservative morals suddenly kick in?

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:48

Ah this is a wind up Andy Pandy

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 10:49

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:42

Sorry? Not going to be easy to discourage a boy ? But a girl must be controlled? I thought males and females are supposed to be equal in the 21st century
talk about double standards

Show quote history

I didn’t say anything about controlling either child, I try and discourage poor decision making by trying to be a good parent and educating them as best as I can.

It is a bit double standards for a boy born with a penis as he can not give birth to a child.

Whilst sexual equality is something I believe strongly in, most boys just think with their dick.

JussathoB · 28/02/2023 10:50

too late, you’ve given yourself away