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Original poster

Teenage daughter going away with her boyfriend. Would you be OK with it?

207 replies

HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:14

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year. They are both 16.

He has asked her to go away overnight with him in the summer holidays. They will both be 17, will have been together for 18 months by then and will be going alone.

I don't have a problem with it. She's reluctant to tell her dad because of the way he has overreacted to, well, pretty much everything! I've said she can't go without telling him in advance, which she has agreed to do, but I know he will be bouncing off the walls about it.

Would you be OK with this?

OP posts:
percypercypercy · 28/02/2023 08:25

I'm not intending that she ask his permission. Just that she informs him where she is going, when, how they are getting there and back. The usual details.

Don't do this at all. At 17, with one parent knowing her whereabouts, it's fine for her to go away.

Don't feed his ducking ridiculous behaviour by updating him. He doesn't need to k ow where she is every minute of the day.

Can2022getanyworse · 28/02/2023 08:28

WTF?!!

I can't say I'd be 100% comfortable with my (beautiful, precious, angelic still only a baby in my mind) 17yo dd going away with her bf but I would wave her off with a smile and a good talk about consent and contraception.

It's none of her dad's business what she chose to do as a 17yo. She doesn't have to tell him anything, let alone seek his approval (which he isn't going to give anyway). I can't believe that this is something that you think requires a discussion with him about - he's never going to give his blessing and she's on a hiding to nowhere if she/you thinks that she's going to be able to go with his grace.

Time for some lessons about personal responsibility for dd - she needs autonomy over her OWN life, I can't understand why you have 'supported' her to be so beholden to his skewed thinking for so long!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:31

Dogsitterwoes · 28/02/2023 08:20

He doesn't need to know.

A little comment - not a criticism - why does it make a difference to you that it's a long term loving relationship? Safety or morals? I'd actually prefer that at 16/17 my child was not too serious about anyone, it's too young to get tied down, these early relationships should be respectful but essentially just for fun. Including sex if they want. I think it's a dangerous message that sex should only be in a loving, serious relationship, I've seen too many teenager's stuff up their futures because of too strong attachments.

Interesting perspective. I'm with the OP on this one. I'd have been much more worried about dd going away with a boy where there was no stable relationship. I'd be concerned about whether she might feel under pressure to do stuff that she might not want to do. Whether they might argue and she would end up on her own in an unfamiliar environment.

I know her bf really well, I trust him and know that, even if they did have an argument - which they never do! - they would both be mature about it. He would look out for her and not leave her in a situation that was unsafe.

Fuckstix · 28/02/2023 08:31

He doesn't need to know her plans. If something were to go wrong, how would him knowing beforehand change that or would him not being told it just be another stick to beat you with? As in, what value or safeguard does it add? You know where she will be and with whom. If she's stuck or there's an emergency can you go and get her?

VivaDixie · 28/02/2023 08:31

HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:45

He doesn't discuss.

He sends me lengthy messages running them down for some perceived misdemeanour. But doesn't engage when I suggest we talk about it properly. So I just end up with 20-30 messages of accusations amd criticisms of them which is largely unwarranted. Or had a grain of truth initially but where he has run with it and fabricated an entirely false scenario. And he does similar with them - spams them with character assassinations. He does love them but is emotionally disregulated and doesn't control his feelings - it's their/our fault he responds as he does and not his responsibility to manage it.

So we won't he able to present a joint decision on it because he will say no and then not move from it.

I don't feel any responsibility to consult with him about it but I do think he needs to know. Just in case.

Show quote history

This post jumped out at me. You say if you were to tell him he will send you 20-30 messages criticising you.

If she were to tell him he will send her streams of messages full of character assassination.

And you think the latter is preferable?

Please think carefully about this. You would rather your daughter had the abuse (because that is what it is) than you.

Just don't tell him, or you tell him. Don't subject your daughter to this controlling behaviour.

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:32

I wouldn’t be too pleased if it were my dd who is 16 also. I actively discourage her from any relationship as she is still a child and I want her to focus her attention on her education.

Also I know why it’s like to be a teenage boy and most are only after one thing. An accidental pregnancy and her life is set and he can just walk away.

Its always been a running joke she isn’t allowed a boyfriend until she’s 30

Obviously if she did choose to have a bf I wouldn’t stop her but I also wouldn’t encourage it under my roof.

Etoile41 · 28/02/2023 08:34

Your ex sounds totally unreasonable and I wouldn't tell him anything if he was going to react like that.
Thar said, I am surprised at how ALL posters agree that its ok for a 17 year old to go away with her boyfriend. My DD has just turned 17 and there is no way I would let her go at this stage. She is super immature. Maybe if she were more emotionally mature I wouldn't have an issue but as it stands I couldn't in all conscious allow her to go. She does spend some overnights at her bf with his parents around though

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 08:35

I don't think she needs to tell her dad, tbh.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2023 08:35

I think you're doing more harm than good making her tell him.

Not just about this, but about other things.

To me, you're almost validating his behaviour by always running things by him. She'll be 17 - he doesn't get a say anymore!

Unless you've got much younger children, I don't understand why you need any contact with him at all. Let your children manage their relationship with him - you need to take a step back (for your own sake!)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:36

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:32

I wouldn’t be too pleased if it were my dd who is 16 also. I actively discourage her from any relationship as she is still a child and I want her to focus her attention on her education.

Also I know why it’s like to be a teenage boy and most are only after one thing. An accidental pregnancy and her life is set and he can just walk away.

Its always been a running joke she isn’t allowed a boyfriend until she’s 30

Obviously if she did choose to have a bf I wouldn’t stop her but I also wouldn’t encourage it under my roof.

That's a bit of a sad view of teenage boys tbh. My dd's bf is actually a very nice lad, and he is exceptionally sweet towards her. My dd is not short on self respect and frankly wouldn't tolerate it if he was "only after one thing".

SheilaFentiman · 28/02/2023 08:38

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves yy. And they have been together a year already, planning a trip away in a few months shows pretty long term thinking.

percypercypercy · 28/02/2023 08:39

I am surprised at how ALL posters agree that its ok for a 17 year old to go away with her boyfriend. My DD has just turned 17 and there is no way I would let her go at this stage. She is super immature.

There are probably plenty who wouldn't as well though. All 17 year olds are not the same. One of mine took a solo uk city tour at 16, so going with someone else at 17 would be nothing. The thing is if they are not mature enough to manage a night away with another person and no adult at 17 there is going to be concern about them becoming an adult a year later and potentially leaving for university. I would be worried about a 17 year old who couldn't cope with a night away from parents.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:39

Etoile41 · 28/02/2023 08:34

Your ex sounds totally unreasonable and I wouldn't tell him anything if he was going to react like that.
Thar said, I am surprised at how ALL posters agree that its ok for a 17 year old to go away with her boyfriend. My DD has just turned 17 and there is no way I would let her go at this stage. She is super immature. Maybe if she were more emotionally mature I wouldn't have an issue but as it stands I couldn't in all conscious allow her to go. She does spend some overnights at her bf with his parents around though

I can understand why you'd be concerned if she is very immature. My dd is the opposite, and has always been very mature emotionally.

Out of interest, would you be happy for your dd to go away with her friends and not her boyfriend? I think at 17 they're very nearly adults, so it seems strange to me that you wouldn't let them go away for a night or two.

percypercypercy · 28/02/2023 08:40

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:32

I wouldn’t be too pleased if it were my dd who is 16 also. I actively discourage her from any relationship as she is still a child and I want her to focus her attention on her education.

Also I know why it’s like to be a teenage boy and most are only after one thing. An accidental pregnancy and her life is set and he can just walk away.

Its always been a running joke she isn’t allowed a boyfriend until she’s 30

Obviously if she did choose to have a bf I wouldn’t stop her but I also wouldn’t encourage it under my roof.

Well they are going to be 17.

That running 'joke' is vomit inducing.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 28/02/2023 08:42

I'm very glad @HowWouldYouRespondToThis
that you have decided that her Dad doesn't need, or even deserve, to know about what she is doing.

But on the off chance that he finds out either before or after the event, and neither of you just want to tell him to STFU, you could ask him a simple question about why he objects to it. If his answer is because it would almost inevitably mean that they would have sex, you could point out to him that they have been going out together for ages and that they will have already had sex - lots of it! You do not need to even be in bed to have sex, and in can happen in broad daylight too...

WinterMusings · 28/02/2023 08:43

PermanentTemporary · 28/02/2023 07:20

I'd be fine with it. What was he doing at 17? What exactly would he be worried about?

@PermanentTemporary

i expect that's exactly why he'd be worried!!

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:47

@percypercypercy well I don’t care if it’s vomit inducing. I would rather she had a successful career and is a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man in her life to thrive. Plus at least I hopefully won’t be a grandad for a very long time!! But by all means if you would be happy with your 16yo dd having sex and playing happy families when they are still a child. Good luck 🤞 with your woke approach

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves and I suppose as long as she uses condoms your a proud mum?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 28/02/2023 08:49

Another vote here for "Why does he need to know at all?"

WinterMusings · 28/02/2023 08:50

HowWouldYouRespondToThis · 28/02/2023 07:50

I've agreed to her doing other things he knows nothing about. He would only actually know she has gone if something 'bad' happened. But I need to be mindful of that being a possibility because bad things happen. So yes there probably is a bit of concern about his reaction if he found out after the fact. He can be very vicious and nasty.

I would tell him myself but I've told him things in the past and he's used that as a reason why she's not mature enough to have done it in the first place. He just doesn't see his role in it at all.

I'm also trying to preserve her relationship with him as she loves him and still wants one so anything that causes unnecessary hostility feels a bit like poking the bear.

I guess we'd both be happy with him not knowing at all but not sure how 'reasonable' that is.

Show quote history

It's perfectly fucking reasonable not to tell him!

Hes batshit, she's almost an adult. In a year she doesn't have to tell him anything or see him if she doesn't want to. She could have stopped sooner if you'd taken him to court.

The chances of 'something bad' happening with her b/f or by a stranger are incredibly small compared to the utterly ridiculous fall out from tell him.

Dogsitterwoes · 28/02/2023 08:50

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:32

I wouldn’t be too pleased if it were my dd who is 16 also. I actively discourage her from any relationship as she is still a child and I want her to focus her attention on her education.

Also I know why it’s like to be a teenage boy and most are only after one thing. An accidental pregnancy and her life is set and he can just walk away.

Its always been a running joke she isn’t allowed a boyfriend until she’s 30

Obviously if she did choose to have a bf I wouldn’t stop her but I also wouldn’t encourage it under my roof.

We kinda agree, as I said before, I think teenagers should not be in serious relationships as it can limit their options.

But - newsflash - teenage girls also have sexual desires. I think most teenagers do, boys or girls. They can still behave responsibly and respectfully. I'm getting a whiff of the Ops husbands views on sex being something men want and women give from your comment, your 'running joke' is awful.

Abreezeitheglade · 28/02/2023 08:55

I think the “something could happen” scenario has already happened as in her father has been allowed to be a controlling, domineering presence in her life.

Dogsitterwoes · 28/02/2023 08:55

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:47

@percypercypercy well I don’t care if it’s vomit inducing. I would rather she had a successful career and is a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man in her life to thrive. Plus at least I hopefully won’t be a grandad for a very long time!! But by all means if you would be happy with your 16yo dd having sex and playing happy families when they are still a child. Good luck 🤞 with your woke approach

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves and I suppose as long as she uses condoms your a proud mum?

Ooh yes, here we go... scared of female sexuality are we?

I've been shagging since I was 16. I am also a proud, strong independent woman with a great career, who doesn't need (but at times in my life wanted and loved) a partner. The two aren't mutually exclusive. And my parents are very proud of me, thanks.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2023 08:55

Andypandy799 · 28/02/2023 08:47

@percypercypercy well I don’t care if it’s vomit inducing. I would rather she had a successful career and is a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man in her life to thrive. Plus at least I hopefully won’t be a grandad for a very long time!! But by all means if you would be happy with your 16yo dd having sex and playing happy families when they are still a child. Good luck 🤞 with your woke approach

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves and I suppose as long as she uses condoms your a proud mum?

Proud?

Well, I'm a very proud mum in relation to her many achievements in education, extracurricular stuff etc. I'm also very proud of her in terms of the kind of person that she has become and the wonderful personal qualities that she displays.

Am I "proud" of her relationship? Well, no, that would be a weird thing to be proud of. But I am very pleased that she clearly has a lot of self respect and that she wouldn't stay in a relationship unless it was making her happy. I'm pleased that she has found a bf who is caring and respectful towards her. I'm pleased that they are both mature enough to recognise how young they are and not put too much pressure or expectation on the relationship. I'm pleased that she has had the opportunity to explore her sexuality in a safe environment. I'm pleased that she has had an early opportunity to experience how a healthy relationship works. And I'm pleased that she felt able to talk to me about sorting contraception when she needed it.

HTH

Urnotthebossofmenow · 28/02/2023 09:01

It's a good lesson for you and your DD to be independent and head strong. Stop people pleasing a dick head.

Girls need to grow up knowing they don't have to pander to angry / controlling men. They're entitled to have boundaries.

Teach your daughter how to form resilience and maintain boundaries and hopefully it'll help her form good relationships in the future.

FictionalCharacter · 28/02/2023 09:05

"I guess we'd both be happy with him not knowing at all but not sure how 'reasonable' that is"
Given that he's not a reasonable person and reacts the way he does, she's perfectly reasonable not to tell him. He's chosen to behave in a way that makes her (and you) not want to tell him things,because he kicks off. Thats his fault.