Teenage daughter going away with her boyfriend. Would you be OK with it?

[HowWouldYouRespondToThis]

My daughter has been seeing her boyfriend for a year. They are both 16.

He has asked her to go away overnight with him in the summer holidays. They will both be 17, will have been together for 18 months by then and will be going alone.

I don't have a problem with it. She's reluctant to tell her dad because of the way he has overreacted to, well, pretty much everything! I've said she can't go without telling him in advance, which she has agreed to do, but I know he will be bouncing off the walls about it.

Would you be OK with this?

@GoldDuster when I grew up and became a parent ffs

My parents didn’t give a toss and it was neglect and it has effected my whole life thanks for your interest

Fingering is an excellent way to avoid babies and have fun (if done well).

however, you are probably not entirely on the level, so I’ll leave it there

Im proud of my kids and they are thriving thanks

@Andypandy799

I'm sorry, that sounds traumatic, and that's likely to have shaped you into the person you are today.

Let's hope your daughter sticks with her books, seeing as she was born without the magical penis shaped tag of skin that can excuse all behaviour and is beyond all regulation... although what's that one about the quiet ones being the worst?

They can book YHA accommodation at 17.

OP: she will be 17, what she wants to do is legal and you, as a responsible parent are confident that she is in a stable respectful relationship. If this little holiday happens on your time for her to be living with you why on earth does she have to tell her father?

She’s 17. It’s her business.

Well I’m afraid that despite the best efforts to eradicate prejudice within society be it sex or race or any other form there are still issues she will have to face in life far different to that of my son.

I should not need to preach this to mn users who see this every day. Look at all the threads on here about abusive men and misogyny

And my last comment on this is I am striving to raise my son is being raised to respect people and live a life of humility and I would be very disappointed if he treated woman the way my father did. I’m over and out now!

despite the best efforts to eradicate prejudice

One can only imagine the efforts going on in your home to eradicate prejudice @Andypandy799 😂

@Andypandy799 what if your DD wanted a girlfriend? Given a lot of your objections seem to be that she could get pregnant and "boys are trouble", would you discourage that?

TBH I would probably be glad if that’s what she chose.

I went on a 2 week holiday to Spain with my boyfriend at 17 (he was 19 at the time). I don't think it would have occurred to me to ask permission as I think being 17, having a boyfriend and a job is plenty old enough to make your own decisions.

@HowWouldYouRespondToThis sorry the thread got derailed I hope you find the advice you need.

Re my personal situation my views may be skewed by abuse as a child who was brought up with two idiots for parents. This has led to mental health problems as a result.

In the last month alone I have on three separate occasions called out misogynist men face to face in mental health groups with both men and woman in attendance .

One was referring to woman as slappers, one talking about strippers in a pub and another telling a retired nurse he was a gyno

I only hope my son shares the same values and principles that woman are not just warm receptacles for his penis.

Somewhere such as a youth hostel I'd be OK with. I'd have the conversation about boundaries and consent etc if I had not done so already.

At 17, yes fine. They could legally get married, leave home, join the army etc.

Sounds pretty normal and reasonable to me 😊

Both will be above the age of consent and are in a committed relationship. In Scotland they could even get married without her dad knowing anything about it! I don’t think their sex life is anyone else’s business to be honest. If she has healthy boundaries, and being safe and responsible about it (which it sounds like she is as she’s told you) then I wouldn’t be concerned. Different if I felt her boyfriend was pressuring her or if I felt she wasn’t emotionally mature or being safe, then I’d discourage it. In the situation you describe I’d have respect for her choices and make sure she knows I’m there for her.

I don’t think telling him is going to add anything helpful to the situation so I wouldn’t bother, I don’t think it’s any of his business and telling him would only create an unnecessary drama and actually if he is going to make her feel shame about it then that’s damaging for her. If anything bad happened, him not knowing prior isn’t going to be your main concern in any case.

I'd have no problem with them going away together.

The real problem is relations between your DH, you and DD, where the two of you collude to deceive him.

IF she is a grown up young woman making her own choices, then part of that is being upfront and owning her true self. She needs to put on her big girl knickers and tell Dad to his face.

In my experience, people who are full of hot air are the easiest to deflate. and once their balloon has been pricked their true size is much easier to deal with.

I think there is a lot of wisdom in this comment.

As parents, we inevitably worry about our kids, but we shouldn't let our fears get in the way of them living full, interesting and exciting lives, nor should we teach them to be too fearful to do things as a way of managing our own anxieties.

I have absolutely taught my dd to take sensible precautions in order to keep herself safe, but I don't want her to be too fearful to experience all that life has to offer. Even if that means that I have to deal with some anxiety about stuff... that's my problem, not hers.

I went on an 18-30s type holiday to Tenerife with a group of friends at that age (early 90s) and it wouldn't have occurred to me to ask my parents' permission, though they knew I was going. Times have changed though, I feel like teens seem much younger these days than we were. Don't tell her dad, he sounds so controlling

I wouldn’t be telling him anything unless he absolutely had to know (emergency). She’s an adult and doesn’t need his permission. It’s his own, unacceptable, behaviour in the past that has led to him not being told, It doesn’t mean she won’t have a relationship with her father, she’s just not telling him things that would lead to him, quite frankly, being abusive.

I'm not sure that I can get my head round this perspective. I'm not being arsey, I am just genuinely struggling to understand the logic.

If you acknowledge that teenagers will do what they want anyway, then what exactly is the point of actively discouraging it? If you aren't actually going to stop them from doing whatever it is that you don't want them to do, what does the discouraging approach actually achieve?

My view is that, if there is any possibility of my dd having sex (or whatever), then I would far rather maintain an open dialogue about it so that she can come to me with any issues or concern. I want to be able to have open, honest conversations with her about issues like consent, contraception, healthy vs unhealthy relationships etc. She is not going to have those conversations with me if she thinks I'm disapproving or judging in any way. Or even if she thinks that I'll just be upset.

I want to be able to guide and support my dd as she moves from being a child to being an adult. I don't see how I can do that properly if I bury my head in the sand and refuse to acknowledge that she is growing up? Surely it will just push her to seek advice and guidance from other sources when she needs it, which may or may not be as reliable.

@Andypandy799 - I don’t think my views are very liberal at all. Thinking it’s normal for a 17 year old to have a steady boyfriend and be sexually active is fairly mainstream I’d say. My DD has a large group of lovely friends - male and female, and many of them are in relationships.

Each to their own but don’t be surprised if your children turn out to not hold such conservative views on life.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves - 100%! There’s a few ostriches on this thread!

I'm sorry to read this update. It sounds like you probably have a lot of stuff that you're working through, and of course, it's incredibly difficult to parent when you haven't had good role models for yourselves.

I think the problem with teaching your dd that "boys are trouble" is that it is too much of a blanket statement that fails to distinguish between boys who are respectful and caring and boys who act like little shits.

Assuming that she is heterosexual, it isn't realistic to expect that she will stay away from boys/men forever, so she needs to be able to learn how to navigate her way through relationships effectively, and to recognise which relationships are "good" and which relationships are "bad".

If she finds herself in a shitty relationship further down the line, and the narrative in her head is that all boys/men are bad so it's just the way things are, then she is not going to extract herself from that unhealthy relationship. If she has been brought up with the reasonable expectation that decent boys/men will treat her with kindness and respect, then she will know that something is wrong when that isn't happening.

My dd is amazed at what some girls will put up with in their so-called relationships, and she can't understand why they don't expect any better. But if they have been told that this is just how things are, why would they expect more?

That's just the way I see it, anyway. Of course, we all have to parent in the way that feels right to us.

Well said. It’s perfectly normal for a girl of 16 /17 to be having a relationship. There’s no gain in banning it or disapproving. It’s life. So long as their partner is treating them well and they are happy, that’s the main thing. You can’t legislate for your children’s sex lives. Yuh can only advise and guide.