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Original poster

Anyone had a bad experience in family court?

207 replies

IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 22:35

Name changed but long term poster.

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who has had a horrendous experience in family court?

I'm really struggling at the moment trying to piece together what happened. The court case went completely out of control and I felt like not a single thing I said was being seriously considered while everything he said was given so much credence. He had absolutely no evidence to support anything he said and it was just believed and if I said something, I was treated like a lying criminal.

The judge raised his voice to me and spoke to me like I was a piece of shit on his shoe. It honestly felt like I was in some horrendous old boys club.

My solicitor was upset herself and she was even crying a little when we were in the car park outside. I was too shocked to cry in court or outside, but I've been in tears and having nightmares and panic attacks ever since.

It's on my mind night and day. If it hadn't been for my solicitor being there, I might have ended up convinced myself that I'd been doing these things.

Is it just me that this has happened to? I feel so alone in this. Did you ever manage to get over it? Any tips for how I can move on? I really don't get on with counselling.

OP posts:
AaaaaandBreathe · 22/02/2023 23:25

Ask your solicitor for advice on how to appeal if you've been treated unfairly.

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 23:32

I remember her researching appealing it in the car park but she didn't suggest it. I don't know if it's because she knew I wouldn't be able to afford it or because it's not possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 23:36

I'm also really freaked out by the idea of having to go back in there. This issue has been going on without solution for over ten years. Every time it takes a bit away from me. With this particularly nasty experience at this hearing, I really feel like there just is no justice.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 22/02/2023 23:42

Yep.

I am solicitor (v different discipline) and I am still reeling years later from the discovery of how women can be treated in the family courts.

I went to court because my son made disclosures of awful abuse to me and to his school.

Yet I was talked to like a criminal by the judge. Laughed at by a sneering bully of a cafcass officer (who didn't even apologize when I produced a document which proved by ex was lying). The whole experience was utterly eye opening. I had been fairly proud of our legal system until I experienced just how nasty and misogynistic the family courts are. And how cafcass is driven by an agenda of contact at almost any cost to the child.

Embarrassingly a relative is a family court judge and warned me not to have any faith in cafcass or the courts ability to protect my child's safety, but I naively ignored their advice, sure I was doing the right thing.

SweetSakura · 22/02/2023 23:42

There are some good journalists working on this stuff. I shall try to remember their names in the morning. And #thecourtsaid is a bit of a mixed bag but has done some good work too.

SweetSakura · 22/02/2023 23:43

That feeling of a horrendous boys club rings so true.

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/02/2023 23:51

Ditto. I couldn't afford a lawyer (he had a lawyer and a barrister) and was made to look like some kind of criminal whore of babylon by my highly abusive exH who refused to pay a penny of CM. The whole family court experience was a shocking cesspit of misogyny. I would never have believed how bad it was had I not seen it with my own eyes.

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 23:53

SweetSakura · 22/02/2023 23:42

Yep.

I am solicitor (v different discipline) and I am still reeling years later from the discovery of how women can be treated in the family courts.

I went to court because my son made disclosures of awful abuse to me and to his school.

Yet I was talked to like a criminal by the judge. Laughed at by a sneering bully of a cafcass officer (who didn't even apologize when I produced a document which proved by ex was lying). The whole experience was utterly eye opening. I had been fairly proud of our legal system until I experienced just how nasty and misogynistic the family courts are. And how cafcass is driven by an agenda of contact at almost any cost to the child.

Embarrassingly a relative is a family court judge and warned me not to have any faith in cafcass or the courts ability to protect my child's safety, but I naively ignored their advice, sure I was doing the right thing.

I'm really sorry that happened to you too. I hope you don't mind me saying I feel relieved to not be the only one to have witnessed this.

The CAFCASS report was truly upsetting, which I think screwed me from the off. He clearly didn't like me. He was totally smitten with XH, despite the fact that the things he was saying about me were incredibly far fetched. I should be in prison if everything XH said is true.

I'd be very grateful if you could remember their names. I've just written all my thoughts down about it today. Which meant I've ended up sobbing and needing a handhold/bit of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 23:56

AmandaHoldensLips · 22/02/2023 23:51

Ditto. I couldn't afford a lawyer (he had a lawyer and a barrister) and was made to look like some kind of criminal whore of babylon by my highly abusive exH who refused to pay a penny of CM. The whole family court experience was a shocking cesspit of misogyny. I would never have believed how bad it was had I not seen it with my own eyes.

No, same. I just couldn't believe it. It probably would have helped if I'd cried or something but I was so shocked I could barely get a word out.

My XH has clearly been abusive towards me. And having them act like it's actually completely normal is the worst gaslighting I've ever experienced in my life.

My doctor has said I'm showing clear signs of cptsd.

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 23/02/2023 00:09

Yep

Was astonished that I lost the right to double barrel the kids names because ExH had a right to carry on the family name. And that wasn't the worst of it.

Disclosures of abuse to school and home dismissed by cafcass and social services. Even when he did provable injury I was told it would most likely still get unsupervised contact if it went to court. Dc were Told by social services that dad wasn't angry with them for saying about the abusive and that he would be perfectly nice to them. DD told them that was a load of rubbish and he was lying. DD still has trouble trusting Authority figures

SweetSakura · 23/02/2023 00:11

Of course I don't mind you saying you feel relieved. It helps you to realise it's not you that's the problem but the system.
Unfortunately I have come across a lot of women now who have all had the similar experiences. It doesn't seem to be limited to any particular courts/areas.

I remember that feeling of utter shock. That i thought the court would protect my children and instead left me and them far more exposed.

SweetSakura · 23/02/2023 00:13

Agree with @Icedlatteplease that one of the sad consequences is that my son has learnt that adults won't keep him safe from his dad. He had to keep himself safe by refusing to go. Whilst feeling guilty that he then wasn't there to protect his sister.

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 23/02/2023 00:34

Yes, it's the kids that suffer the most. I can't see how this hasn't caused lifelong trauma to DC.

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 23/02/2023 04:19

The damage done to my kids is immeasurable and permanent. exH lied through his teeth and the courts believed every word. His only motive was to cause chaos and continue to exert abusive control. There was nothing I could do - it left me completely powerless to protect my children.

I eventually refused to facilitate and defied the court order.

Oblomov23 · 23/02/2023 07:03

I don't know why people are surprised. My parents are retired social workers and I knew how often things went wrong. When I was very young I read about Sally Clarke and her sadness and dismay at the legal system re the supposed cot deaths and both her and her husband being solicitors.

SweetSakura · 23/02/2023 08:26

I guess for me my surprise was because theres all the encouragement to leave an abusive relationship but no one tells you it's out of the frying pan into the fire and you won't be able to keep your children safe once you have left.

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 23/02/2023 09:43

AmandaHoldensLips · 23/02/2023 04:19

The damage done to my kids is immeasurable and permanent. exH lied through his teeth and the courts believed every word. His only motive was to cause chaos and continue to exert abusive control. There was nothing I could do - it left me completely powerless to protect my children.

I eventually refused to facilitate and defied the court order.

That sounds horribly familiar. I'm really, really sorry.

Did you have any consequences for not sticking to the order?

When XH realised I wanted to leave, he's gone on this path of wanting to destroy me. I bet he was delighted to find out how easy it was. :(

I wish now I'd left in the night with DC and moved far away and changed our names. It would have been less harmful than being dragged through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 23/02/2023 09:51

SweetSakura · 23/02/2023 08:26

I guess for me my surprise was because theres all the encouragement to leave an abusive relationship but no one tells you it's out of the frying pan into the fire and you won't be able to keep your children safe once you have left.

It's frightening, isn't it? Out of the frying pan and into the fire is exactly how I'd describe it.

Of course abusers are going to abuse you in court. They've just got a bunch of new recruits to abuse you for them. And the more mud they sling, the more they're rewarded.

OP posts:
SweetSakura · 23/02/2023 09:52

Exactly. It's a terribly rewarding environment for someone who is happy to lie with impunity.

I was fighting lies with the truth, and I wouldn't even embellish the truth, I didn't stand a chance.

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 23/02/2023 10:02

SweetSakura · 23/02/2023 09:52

Exactly. It's a terribly rewarding environment for someone who is happy to lie with impunity.

I was fighting lies with the truth, and I wouldn't even embellish the truth, I didn't stand a chance.

Yes, for me too. I'm not a liar in general and I'm certainly not lying in court. Part of me wishes I had lied now, but I just don't have that behaviour in me.

I feel so completely helpless to protect my children from him. He's a cold blooded monster. I can barely sleep at night because all of it comes running through my head. The unfairness of it makes me want to scream.

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 23/02/2023 18:12

I've kind of had both. Bad and good experiences. I've had something like 14 court appearances, it's been exhausting. I've seen how things can be twisted and miss represented. How one person doesn't do their job properly and writes their report accordingly. The impact of this can be catastrophic. How the courts can aid someone's abuse.
Saying that I'm one of the lucky ones, the court came to the correct answer and granted a no contact order. But it pushed me to my utter limits and I still feel angry about some of the misrepresentation and incorrect information. I could have / should have put in a formal complaint against ss. They had all the information they needed on my ex abuse, but for what ever reason dismissed it. Luckily I had a strong legal team and a cafcass guardian, they over ride'd it! It could have so easily been different.

ConfusedNoMore · 23/02/2023 18:38

SweetSakura · 22/02/2023 23:43

That feeling of a horrendous boys club rings so true.

Me too.

Lottery of which judge you get. Also, half term in February was when my case was scheduled after first hearing with decent judge. The circuit judge who stood in was vile.

Talon01 · 23/02/2023 18:39

What was the outcome?

Iona345 · 23/02/2023 18:40

Awful place. I remember feeling like things were very out of control, things taken at face value and that you were just shoved through the system.

A solicitor once described family Court as a Russian Roulette. Shocking as peoples lives can change with the outcome and its like noone really cares about what's right or the truth.

It's a game of power in every sense.

As for CAFCASS what a bunch of inept people. Shocking.

So sorry you are dealing with this OP.

PercyPigfangirl · 23/02/2023 18:51

Omg @SweetSakura I've had an almost identical experience with the courts. I'm actually covered in goosebumps reading your post as I could have written it myself. I completely lost faith in the courts ability to protect children.
Can I pm you? It actually would mean the world to speak to someone who has been something similar. It was the most depressing, painful experience of my life.