Anyone had a bad experience in family court?

[IRememberMitmoo]

Name changed but long term poster.

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who has had a horrendous experience in family court?

I'm really struggling at the moment trying to piece together what happened. The court case went completely out of control and I felt like not a single thing I said was being seriously considered while everything he said was given so much credence. He had absolutely no evidence to support anything he said and it was just believed and if I said something, I was treated like a lying criminal.

The judge raised his voice to me and spoke to me like I was a piece of shit on his shoe. It honestly felt like I was in some horrendous old boys club.

My solicitor was upset herself and she was even crying a little when we were in the car park outside. I was too shocked to cry in court or outside, but I've been in tears and having nightmares and panic attacks ever since.

It's on my mind night and day. If it hadn't been for my solicitor being there, I might have ended up convinced myself that I'd been doing these things.

Is it just me that this has happened to? I feel so alone in this. Did you ever manage to get over it? Any tips for how I can move on? I really don't get on with counselling.

My DSis couldn’t afford to pay for legal advice after her DH decided to take the kids rather than pay child maintenance to her. His mother paid for the whole chebang.

Sadly this meant that my DN’s didn’t have the love and support from their mother growing up.

My mother simply didn’t have the money to throw at the court. His mother did and happily did so.

As a result my sister and her children have had a terrible life! So sad 😭

As usual it all boils down to who can pay. I cannot put into words how this makes me feel. My sister has attempted suicide three times. Her children have no paternal support since they turned 18 and have no relationship with their mother. The maternal bonds were, irretrievably, broken all because their father didn’t want to pay child support. My sister didn’t want it! All she wanted was her children.

DSis has reached out to them to no avail. They believe the absolute BS their father told them. So sad for everyone concerned 😢

Their father now has a “new” family, in the shape of his partners DC. He couldn’t give a rats backside about his own adult DC or GC! 🤬

I’m in the US but the experience is much the same here. The one with the money wins.

It’s so sad because the children lose out. Mediation is the best way forward and the courts should seriously consider why a divorcing couple have not been able to come to an agreement via mediation. Abusive use of conflict is much more common than the courts realize.

I totally agree

Mediation rarely works either if one party is abusive. I only encountered one mediator who understood and managed the abusive dynamic well (and funnily enough my ex then refused to use that mediator again).

It saddens me to read all these horror stories about your experiences with CAFCASS and in the Family Court.

I've been working as a McKenzie Friend for over 3 years now, following my own experience within the FC (years of non-engagement by the Applicant through ancillary relief proceedings followed very closely by further proceedings in the form of Child Arrangements Proceedings - the abuser enjoyed vexatious litigation as they term it these days) as I feared that mine were not unique: and this thread simply serves to confirm my opinion.

It worries me that despite the introduction of the DA Act in 2021, the archaic legal system we have in place simply doesn't know it's arse from its elbow when abusers use it to continue perpetrating - as PP mentioned it's literally like an old boys' club, and it is unacceptable.

I was interested to hear from PP also about CAFCASS / FCA being failed social workers. They have such a bad reputation, and I am unsure how they turn that to good to be honest.

Certainly food for thought. But seriously depressing. I am very humbled by my position to be able to help those litigating in person, or represented by legal aid, and even in some cases, "counsel'd" up to the hilt, to understand the process, sort out court paperwork and write robust statements in order to safeguard their children.

I can confirm here also, that whilst a lot of the experience here seems pro-abuser / anti-women, I do have cases where to achieve Legal Aid (which in all honesty can be the worst decision for a party to proceedings, ever), women claiming to be victims of DA / DV are giving real victims an even harder task of proving their experiences. This work has certainly made me question the entire process from start to finish, but I am very lucky to have helped so many get the right outcome for themselves and for their children.

Not here to diminish the bad experiences of people but I think a lot of the issue is that the courts have heard it all before.

So many similar cases bought before court and it becomes difficult for judges to differentiate between abuse and lies. It works both ways and I think it's rather fanciful to suggest men do well in family court. Unless you believe having access to the kids every other weekend is a win for men.

But @Talon01 the excuse of weary cynicism doesn't wash when many of us are saying we had ample evidence of the abuse. I had medical notes,.police records, my son had made disclosures to school. All my ex had was breezy lies. It doesn't make sense that the actual evidence wasnt given weight.

I’m supporting a relative through the process. I am horrified at what has gone on. Her child has been left with a violent man and his girlfriend (who while I appreciate is also a victim is leading on the most malicious and frankly evil behaviour I have ever seen).

Police failed to help my relative recover the child in the first instance, despite the fact that neither her ex or his girlfriend have PR. We are now 10 months into a court process where my relative is having to have contact in a centre under supervision because of the lies that have been told, meanwhile her ex is telling their small child lies and the child is small enough that these will leave lasting impressions. Any and every contact session is followed by outlandish claims that are purely intended to prevent contact, and obviously so but the courts don’t do anything to step in and out a stop to it. It’s horrifying. Investigations are ongoing and she has been vindicated several times by social services yet here we still are.

I’ve always been a big believer in trusting the system, and the truth will out, but the lies are being believed. Every week something gets worse. I am hopeful that it will come right in the end but to be honest I don’t believe it will.

Forgot to say - there is no evidence to support his claims except he said she said, my relative has reams of evidence supporting her innocence from the police, medical professionals, nursery yet this isn’t taken into consideration. She’s being treated as guilty on the basis of he said she said.

I think this is exactly the problem though: there are many (not all...) people working within the Family Court who have heard it all before so they go ahead with a "one size fits all [a large majority, maybe?]" approach rather than taking each case as it should be taken: individually. Each situation is totally unique and I simply do not believe that cases are given enough time - for the magistrates / JLAs to assimilate information, for the Recorders / Judges to do the same - it simply doesn't work having 15 minutes prior to a hearing to read a bundle of 350+ pages.

You only have to look at the templates for the Court Directions / Orders, to see that even the writing of them needs a massive overhaul - so many of my clients simply don't understand what they're supposed to do because the legalese is awkwardly written. Then look at the C120 template for a witness statement - it's utterly rubbish and takes LIPs down a rabbit hole of explaining what activities their children do at the weekend: the court simply are. not. interested. Hearings listed for 30mins to decide whether to put a NMO in place, just isn't enough. FHDRA for an hour gives parties about enough time to confirm their names.

My view is that if the back office sorted themselves out, and produced less awkwardly written Orders, there would be a dramatic reduction in the vast numbers of people returning to court for a variation because the parties can't agree on whether term ends on a Friday or school holidays start on a Monday. If this happened, the Family Court would have more time to spend on the serious and complex cases, more time to assimilate the information provided, more time to challenge CAFCASS when one party is claiming bias, and therefore the Court would reach proper standards when it comes to safeguarding our children.

@SweetSakura despite being a victim of DA I actually went to mediation before court as I thought in my head if court could be avoided maybe it would be a positive thing? This was during covid too so there were huge delays so I stupidly gave it a chance.

My experience was equally as awful- we did "separate" mediation where we weren't in the same room together but the mediators went back and forth.

The main mediator had absolutely ZERO understanding of abuse and when I explained some of the things he had done to me, and my reasoning for things she seemed very understanding.

However came back from speaking to him and said words to the affect of "I don't think any of that has come from a bad place, he seems like a good man, he was/is just very hurt that you left him".

Hurt that I left him so he can't control me anymore??? Hurt that I left him so he can't assault me multiple times in front of my children???

I agree with that @McKenzieFriend001 . My practice as a solicitor involves lots of drafting and every single time it got to the point of an order being written I had to nudge my barrister and interject as it seems drafting with clarity is not the strong point of many in the family court process.

@IRememberMitmoo It was only through divorce that I learnt that Ex was likely to be a sociopath, such was the extent of his lies and drive to see me destroyed. Could this be similar for you? If so the trauma is multi layered, recovering from an abusive relationship, discovery of your ex's true nature and the post separation abuse.

In some cases there is misogyny in Courts but I also think courts assume both parties share equal fault for the conflict. So if the woman cites abuse the courts & Cafcass seek to find fault with the woman to address the balance. There seems to be unwillingness to acknowledge that men are still mostly responsible for abusive relationships and that abusive is not just physical.

A woman appearing in court (trying to protect her children) who has been controlled and abused by her Ex and been the SAHM doesn't appear as credible (or relatable) as the man who may have maintained a Corporate career and is used to public speaking. Bias from judges & legal teams kicks in.

Cafcass definitely try to address men rights and to appear "fair" they look to throw accusations at the woman. There is not one mother who goes through Cafcass who would be able to get a completely favourable report.

I was fortunate that due to the dcs age the recommendation was for the dc to spent majority of time with me (as that is what they asked for) but had they been younger I dread to think of the outcome.

How awful - shocking - disgraceful. This thread is absolutely horrifying. I'm so sorry for everyone. What can be done ?

I definitely agree cafcass approaches it from the assumption that both parties are warring parents, even when there is ample evidence you are the victim of abuse.

And a friend of my family took a senior job in cafcass and left after not many months because he was horrified at how agenda driven they were - their agenda essentially being to push for contact time with both parents irrespective of the evidence.

(Sadly I only found this out after I had been through all my battles to keep my children safe)

Interestingly the court and CAFCASS work on the presumption that a child should spend equal time with both parents if it is safe and practical to do so.

I often ask what their (plural) definition of "safe" actually is....

Well quite.

And also "practical" . Co parenting with someone who is abusive is horrific even if the child is "safe".

And I am a big advocate of co-parenting where there isn't abuse. It works brilliantly with my step children and their mum comes to our house (she even spent Christmas with us one year) or I go to hers to chat through things. But where there is past abuse it's just utterly naive to think it's going to be good for the wellbeing of the children or the victim of abuse, even if (and that's not a given) they are physically "safe"

Yes. A male close friend was bankrupted and almost driven to suicide by his experience. Whatever he said, his ex was automatically believed. He showed evidence of her hitting the children. He was blamed for winding the children up. The children were scared and angry at their mum. He was blamed for parental alienation. She was given 100% of the family assets. He is now homeless and destitute while she has bought a flat in central London. Cafcass, social workers, judges, all were totally on her side. Anything he said was twisted, especially as he was a litigant in person. They totally dismissed the fact he was being assessed for autism. And I'm not just taking his word for it. For reasons I cannot disclose I saw what happened and was part of it. The children adore their dad and are deeply deeply traumatised. Everyone is it seems apart from the mum.

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to post. I really can't tell you how much this has helped me. I've never really talked to anyone about how badly this has affected me.

I don't think it's a unique experience for women to be treated badly in court. I absolutely believe @Stepuptowardsinfinity 's story of their male friend. The system is ripe for abuse from liars, whether that be the mother or the father. It's probably statically more likely to be the man who is doing the abusing though. And then they come to court to find mostly male judges who seem willing to lay out the red carpet for whatever bullshit is coming.

@Livinghappy yes it was a big shock to accept just how sick and twisted XH was. He was ok when we were married, mostly. But I was his possession at that time. It was when he realised I wasn't anymore that he decided to destroy me and take away 'his' children, at any cost.

I still can't work out if he knows he's lying or not. Both options are equally concerning. Either way, he's a disgrace.

I agree @IRememberMitmoo .

And I still wrestle all the time with the "does he know he is lying?" type questions. I think when you are an honest person it is quite hard to make sense of the mindset of someone who will boldly lie in court.

Yes, absolutely. It really messes with your head. The cold bloodedness of it is almost too shocking to even comprehend. Every time I think he can't sink any lower, because how could anyone, he does something even worse than I could have imagined. You expect at least a layer of human decency but it's a bottomless pit.

Yes I’m quite baffled at this suggestion too. I was the child in the situation of an abusive mother using the court to abuse my Dad and I which left irreparable damage to me, my Dad and our relationship and I’ve known plenty of men whose exes have used contact with the kids/court to control/abuse their exes.

I also acknowledge this happens to women also. I think the long and short of it is that it’s very easy for abusers of either gender to use court/contact with the kids to abuse their ex. Which is horrendous and should be more recognised, and whether it’s the Mum or Dad doing it the children suffer and so does the ex. My heart goes out to anyone going through it, man or woman 😞

I’m sorry for your experience OP, it sounds soul destroying :(

@IRememberMitmoo
Sorry you have had an awful experience in court. Often that seems to be the case.
My ex took me to court a few years ago about access for our son who was 11 at the time. I had never stopped him seeing him but he was the one who wouldn't commit to dates etc.

When we went to court, he was in a room with his Solicitor while I was sat in the eating room having to discuss everything with my solicitor with other people around.

My ex was made out to be the doting dad but there was not mention of the fact that he didn't see our daughter due to him rejecting her and treating her really badly. All the cafcass report said was that she didn't want to see him.

We ended up with a court order about contact but my ex only referred to it when it suited him!