Anyone had a bad experience in family court?

[IRememberMitmoo]

Name changed but long term poster.

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who has had a horrendous experience in family court?

I'm really struggling at the moment trying to piece together what happened. The court case went completely out of control and I felt like not a single thing I said was being seriously considered while everything he said was given so much credence. He had absolutely no evidence to support anything he said and it was just believed and if I said something, I was treated like a lying criminal.

The judge raised his voice to me and spoke to me like I was a piece of shit on his shoe. It honestly felt like I was in some horrendous old boys club.

My solicitor was upset herself and she was even crying a little when we were in the car park outside. I was too shocked to cry in court or outside, but I've been in tears and having nightmares and panic attacks ever since.

It's on my mind night and day. If it hadn't been for my solicitor being there, I might have ended up convinced myself that I'd been doing these things.

Is it just me that this has happened to? I feel so alone in this. Did you ever manage to get over it? Any tips for how I can move on? I really don't get on with counselling.

Courtnightmares

100% a cafcass guardian is the way to go if you have major safeguarding issues that aren't being heard. They will also have a solicitor and the child/s will get legal aid for it. It's a very scary process as you realise the severity of your situation. Completely different from having a cafcass officer.
But they should spend time getting to know your family and be a true voice for your child.
I sent my children's cafcass guardian an email highlighting all my safeguarding conserns. Dates, times and who was president along with the incident and if there was any "evidence of this incident". It was against my solicitors recommendation, but at this point I felt I had nothing to loose as no once was taking my conserns seriously.
She was brilliant really really good. With out her the children would still be exposed to their father's abuse. She litually changed out lives and I will be for ever grateful to her.

Oh bless you, I am glad we could help comfort you a little bit!

It really has helped calm the racing thoughts. I hate the idea that any of you have also been through this, but not being alone in it helps me accept that it wasn't my fault. Factually I know it isn't, but the feeling of knowing you are a mother who couldn't protect her children from harm comes with an enormous amount of guilt.

And I can run through what I could have said/done differently all I like - it likely wouldn't have made any difference. Bullies and court are just a terrible combination.

I'm so sorry this happened to you too. It's so unfair 💐

I just wanted to say thanks again for everyone on this thread.

Last night was probably the easiest I've slept in a long time. A part of me thought if I ever spoke about this, I'd end up getting blamed. I've cried a lot reading this. They've been tears of sadness but also relief. You've all been so kind. It's taken a little of the burden from my shoulders.

I'm so grateful to you all for believing me.

Pleased to hear that @IRememberMitmoo - you did the right thing to post and reach out.

I think you probably feel some relief because the whole process is very “othering.” It makes you feel “other” from ‘normal’ parents. And the legacy never stops reinventing itself in fresh and new and interesting ways. You carry this invisible pain around with you that impacts and colours everything.

So to break the silence - for you personally - has possibly made you feel less “other” and the sheer recognition that other people understand, hear you, see you and above all find what you’re saying relatable is only a good thing.

I’m sorry you carry this burden. And many times I ponder the cost benefits of leaving the relationship in the first place. But remember, you did a brave thing. The “system” in a blunt, crude tool - and you alone cannot change the system any make than I or anyone else can. It’s sad, but we had no choice but to try to operate within a broken system.

Things get better over time x

Im reading this as someone with an upcoming first court hearing

my cafcass officer highlighted risk from my allegations but the man’s world thing and him having an expensive solicitor and me a legal aid one who wants to file things late is making me worried

@monsterradeliciosa this course is good for preparing yourself learn.paramilycourses.com/courses/court-confidence

Thank you
very interesting

I'm so sorry for what you've all experienced. It's absolutely shocking

I still haven't left my DH. He's very emotionally immature and can't handle our two kids at all. Takes everything personally. Can get v grumpy. I know if we left he'd want to "win" and he's literally said those words

The only thing stopping me leaving is the thought of being forced to hand over my two young boys to him half the week for the next decade. And threads like this show I'm right to be so cautious. My boys are happy at home with me. They would hate to go be with their dad 50% of the time

Came across this thread as I was trying to see if there was anything regarding the so called transparency pilot project (which will hopefully be a good thing)

I have read around this area over the last few years and believe you all FWIW. 💐

Ironically a female family member had similar (not as bad thankfully as her ex isn't so much evil as useless)

A male family member who had always been the main carer was abused by the court system and then had to spend years doing a hundred mile round trip for contact until child decided to live with him full time.

My good female friend thankfully managed to retain main 'custody' of her DD but was forced to facilitate contact despite her spending hundreds on a psychoanalytical report which summised he has the persona of a fake good person. In that case he appeared to flash his masons ring 😉

And our experience was that my DHs ex who is a deeply manipulative individual wanted to prevent him having any access whatsoever for genuinely no good reason, purely out of spite, was very good at bare faced lying and crying in court etc and the carcass man etc lapped it up, so in my experience and sample of 4 it seems they always side with the 'wrong party'!

He focuses on the US but Mike Volpe the investigative journalist has some interesting material on you tube.

Omg I had exactly the same treatment in a small claims court last week. I was the claimant and I had some really good evidence and an expert witness report that cost over £600 and the judge shouted at me and treated me like a piece of dirt. anything the corrupt defendant said he went with anything I said he just let go and in his summing up he said I was not a credible witness and dismissed all my evidence and my experts report as being biased. It was disgusting, so I know exactly how you feel. I am so glad I took two female friends with me and because they were so disgusted at what they were hearing and their mouth dropped open. The judge shouted at them. I came home and rang the Samaritans as I could not believe what I’d just been put through The defendant had tampered with witnesses as well, and I had evidence of that and it was all dismissed Nice to see corruption is alive and well in our English courts. I have complained about the judge, but I don’t suppose it will come to anything as they will stick together don’t they

And me and I feel completely traumatised, and I’ve actually requested counselling because I am so down

Hi everyone,

Having left an abusive relationship I naively sought help via the family courts to protect myself and my children. It backfired in a disgusting way whereby I've been threatened with losing my children, failure to protect my children and told I'm in contempt of court. 10 favourable statements were made towards my husband, yet I was treated with utter contempt. He now has access to my children via an interim order. Can anyone help? What can I do? I'm suffering from panic attacks and heart palpitations from the severe treatment in court.

Hi,

I'm so sorry for your experience. I also had my first panic attack after my court experience 😔 I don't have any advice on the family court because we were failed too. I would explore the option of appeal if you are in a position to do so.

Other than that I've found working on myself and prioritising my mental health and self care has really helped. I'm also in counselling which has been great.

I fought a good fight in court but it's out of my control as so is my ex's behaviour so personally I've found working on my own environment and wellbeing is the best thing I can do and obviously that benefits the children too.

It's not an easy road to walk but be encouraged that you will get through this x

You could contact these people? https://www.facebook.com/ParamilyUK

They aim to put a spotlight on this very issue (they were called #thecourtsaid )

I agree too that getting a decent counsellor has really helped me cope with the ongoing stress of knowing my children aren't safe when they are with him

Thank you for replying promptly. I will definitely pursue the appeal option. Did you appeal? I can't gauge that from your message. Thanks

I attempted to but my barrister and solicitor thought the chances of success were very low and so I decided against it. I think looking back I probably would have at least tried to without expectation.

The system is just so flawed, like you I was just so drained by the end of it I had no choice bur to focus on myself for me and the kids

Sorry to hear this. My barrister said the judge is operating within the law and citing the correct legal cases and decides the abuse was only related to the relationship. However children were subjected to the same abuse. She has no understanding that an abuser is using this system to further control me. She continously complimented him. I'm speechless. My solicitor does appreciate my stance hoping she'll assist me.

That's the challenge I also had as an appeal has to be based on a legal fault/ mistake to be successful. The reality is by abusing a child's main caregiver of course they are causing harm to the child.

Post separation abuse is not recognised in that court and it's a big problem. My ex tried absolutely everything.

2 1/2 years later overall there has been some improvement. We use an app to communicate as ordered by the court. I learned techniques about how to communicate with someone with narcissistic tendencies and uphold boundaries and that has worked very well for me.

the delay in getting any thing done is awful - 8 weeks and no acknowledgement - had to go to holborn wait 2 hours and then they could not locate the papers despite having proof of delivery. then phoned later to say they have found them.
what are we paying for a service like this - children are suffering and their families because of these long delays and inefficiency .. the court needs a complete overhaul and someone to address the long waits and poor service

lh

This thread confirms all that I know of how corrupt and damaged the system is. Shameful.

Yes, absolutely awful for me.

The first Cafcass officer I had was completely unhinged and wrote in her report that a college friend of mine worked in the women's refuge so had been able to wangle me a place there. In reality, I didn't know anyone who worked there and only turned up there on the day I left my ex.

My ex took me to court 30-40 times (a while ago now so he could get legal aid). Each time it felt like I was in an alternative reality.

I have my final hearing next year.
My ex has managed to get reports thrown out etc.
He has only had supervised contact the entirety of proceedings and wants unsupervised.
We've just had a psychological assessment as I'm desperately hoping the psychologist won't recommend any change.. the cafcass guardian is also writing a report..
My ex is incredibly violent and unhinged. The psychologist was shocked to learn he was actually currently having contact.