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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone had a bad experience in family court?

207 replies

IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 22:35

Name changed but long term poster.

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who has had a horrendous experience in family court?

I'm really struggling at the moment trying to piece together what happened. The court case went completely out of control and I felt like not a single thing I said was being seriously considered while everything he said was given so much credence. He had absolutely no evidence to support anything he said and it was just believed and if I said something, I was treated like a lying criminal.

The judge raised his voice to me and spoke to me like I was a piece of shit on his shoe. It honestly felt like I was in some horrendous old boys club.

My solicitor was upset herself and she was even crying a little when we were in the car park outside. I was too shocked to cry in court or outside, but I've been in tears and having nightmares and panic attacks ever since.

It's on my mind night and day. If it hadn't been for my solicitor being there, I might have ended up convinced myself that I'd been doing these things.

Is it just me that this has happened to? I feel so alone in this. Did you ever manage to get over it? Any tips for how I can move on? I really don't get on with counselling.

OP posts:
Menomeno · 14/12/2023 19:57

I left abusive ExH over 20 years ago, DCs were 2 and 8. He’d never done a single thing for them (not one feed, nappy change, visit to the park etc). He fought me for custody. I never thought he’d win. He had diagnosed MH problems, but accused me of being mental. My GP wrote a glowing report for CAFCASS disproving his allegations. He and his mother turned our eldest DC against me, and he told CAFCASS that they wanted to live with his dad. I told CAFCASS that ExH didn’t want custody, my ExMiL wanted my child (she always thought he was ‘hers’). They thought I was just being bitter.

He eventually dropped the custody case for our youngest but proceeded for eldest DS. I stupidly believed that would be the end of it because a court would never separate siblings.

Long story short, he eventually won full custody of my eldest child but I kept custody of our youngest. I couldn’t afford to pay my legal fees so they put a charge on my property (20K+). He got legal aid. Six weeks later he moved out of his parents’ place and in with his new woman. He left our son with my ExMiL, just as I’d predicted.

It destroyed our family, and we never got over it. My beautiful little ds grew up an angry, spiteful bully who tormented his siblings whenever he was with us. I never managed to make things better, despite my constant reassurances that I loved him more than the world. I never slagged off ExH or his family (I wonder now if that was a mistake).

There are no words to describe my anger towards the family court/CAFCASS. Even two decades later I can’t talk about it out loud.

Redlarge · 14/12/2023 20:22

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 19:30

No, you give it to them. They don’t ask for it here in the US. You have to have it prepared and present it. First to the court appointed mediator and then the guardian ad litem and finally the judge.

The Uk has a different name for the mediator and guardian as litem. The guardian ad litem is appointed by the court and would normally be your CAFCASS social worker or NYAS officer in the UK.

No. You arent given the opportunity to. What i did present was ignored and not referred to at hearing.
I wasnt allowed to present it verbally. Despite me trying. It honestly does not work like that. Been through 3 years of it. Provided/prepared reams of stuff and no one acknowledges or is interested or allows you to present it.

PlsSendWine · 14/12/2023 23:28

I could have written this. My son (9) refuses to go and see my XH but my daughter (7) still goes. It’s so difficult for them both.

BelowZero · 14/12/2023 23:57

Following this with interest. My ex was abusive and a few years on he is now alleging parental alienation by me which is a load of rubbish.

my question: has anyone of you ever been successful of getting media interest for their case ans how did you do it? I feel my abusive ex continues to control and abuse me through the family court. I would like to reach out to the media and get press to sit in on the case. So much in the family courts is shrouded in secrecy - some of the stories on this thread are just awful to read.

Aintnosupermum · 15/12/2023 00:09

@Redlarge do you have a social worker or nyas assigned to your children to represent them? I presume you do. If so they should be the one you give the evidence of his parenting impacting the children and the effect on the children.

As an example, I have 3 children with disabilities. They need a special diet which is close to keto. For my one child it eliminates their seizures so it’s a big deal. Their father was giving him jelly tots, lollipops and gummy bears daily. Child was allowed to eat jam sandwiches at every meal or hot dogs, both of which are not foods compatible with the diet recommended by the neurological team. The therapist who is treating my child talked to them about this. They were able to get from them that mummy keeps keto and daddy has hot dogs and jam sandwiches. The school has an incident record for each seizure, which happens with a 3 day lag. The doctor confirmed this is consistent with not following the diet during my childs time with his father.

After 5 months of back and forth he has finally stopped with the sweets but he switched to ham sandwiches (just to piss me off because I’m Jewish and don’t do pork) which is also on the banned food list from the medical team.

What I did was present the recommended diet to the children’s representative, the written reports from the therapist, neurologist and school. Personally I made no opinion or statement until I was asked if I had helped their father with the diet. My answer, here is a copy of the email from the neurologist team and follow up support groups which were shared with him. We have a dietician who is available to assist both of us and he has full access plus here is her email introducing herself to both of us as well as offering to add us to the FB support group.

I started this journey getting nowhere until I figured out that you need to be very specific with how and to whom you present evidence to. You don’t present evidence yourself. It’s always through a 3rd party who is an expert witness. This is expensive but it’s also been very effective for my case.

Note, my evidence didn’t say anything about 2 of my children and them not following the plan because there is no documented impact to their development. I said nothing about the pork because that’s not relevant. The evidence did point out ham, not regular pork loin, and bread are not compatible with the strongly recommended diet. I made zero reference to the religious issue because it’s not Daddy’s religion and he is free to feed the child pork.

This is why it’s so very difficult to protect our children in court. The expense is beyond 99% of women and the time taken to bring it together is just sobering.

namechange301 · 17/12/2023 10:49

Menomeno · 14/12/2023 19:57

I left abusive ExH over 20 years ago, DCs were 2 and 8. He’d never done a single thing for them (not one feed, nappy change, visit to the park etc). He fought me for custody. I never thought he’d win. He had diagnosed MH problems, but accused me of being mental. My GP wrote a glowing report for CAFCASS disproving his allegations. He and his mother turned our eldest DC against me, and he told CAFCASS that they wanted to live with his dad. I told CAFCASS that ExH didn’t want custody, my ExMiL wanted my child (she always thought he was ‘hers’). They thought I was just being bitter.

He eventually dropped the custody case for our youngest but proceeded for eldest DS. I stupidly believed that would be the end of it because a court would never separate siblings.

Long story short, he eventually won full custody of my eldest child but I kept custody of our youngest. I couldn’t afford to pay my legal fees so they put a charge on my property (20K+). He got legal aid. Six weeks later he moved out of his parents’ place and in with his new woman. He left our son with my ExMiL, just as I’d predicted.

It destroyed our family, and we never got over it. My beautiful little ds grew up an angry, spiteful bully who tormented his siblings whenever he was with us. I never managed to make things better, despite my constant reassurances that I loved him more than the world. I never slagged off ExH or his family (I wonder now if that was a mistake).

There are no words to describe my anger towards the family court/CAFCASS. Even two decades later I can’t talk about it out loud.

I'm so sorry to read this. It makes me so fucking angry.

Redlarge · 17/12/2023 14:37

Aintnosupermum · 15/12/2023 00:09

@Redlarge do you have a social worker or nyas assigned to your children to represent them? I presume you do. If so they should be the one you give the evidence of his parenting impacting the children and the effect on the children.

As an example, I have 3 children with disabilities. They need a special diet which is close to keto. For my one child it eliminates their seizures so it’s a big deal. Their father was giving him jelly tots, lollipops and gummy bears daily. Child was allowed to eat jam sandwiches at every meal or hot dogs, both of which are not foods compatible with the diet recommended by the neurological team. The therapist who is treating my child talked to them about this. They were able to get from them that mummy keeps keto and daddy has hot dogs and jam sandwiches. The school has an incident record for each seizure, which happens with a 3 day lag. The doctor confirmed this is consistent with not following the diet during my childs time with his father.

After 5 months of back and forth he has finally stopped with the sweets but he switched to ham sandwiches (just to piss me off because I’m Jewish and don’t do pork) which is also on the banned food list from the medical team.

What I did was present the recommended diet to the children’s representative, the written reports from the therapist, neurologist and school. Personally I made no opinion or statement until I was asked if I had helped their father with the diet. My answer, here is a copy of the email from the neurologist team and follow up support groups which were shared with him. We have a dietician who is available to assist both of us and he has full access plus here is her email introducing herself to both of us as well as offering to add us to the FB support group.

I started this journey getting nowhere until I figured out that you need to be very specific with how and to whom you present evidence to. You don’t present evidence yourself. It’s always through a 3rd party who is an expert witness. This is expensive but it’s also been very effective for my case.

Note, my evidence didn’t say anything about 2 of my children and them not following the plan because there is no documented impact to their development. I said nothing about the pork because that’s not relevant. The evidence did point out ham, not regular pork loin, and bread are not compatible with the strongly recommended diet. I made zero reference to the religious issue because it’s not Daddy’s religion and he is free to feed the child pork.

This is why it’s so very difficult to protect our children in court. The expense is beyond 99% of women and the time taken to bring it together is just sobering.

Thanks lovely. It is indeed draining and incredibly time consuming.

What a prick not following the diet.. its almost like they are deliberately oppostional despite the impact on the children.

JasminNorman · 18/12/2023 10:15

I have just had my final hearing and I highly recommend the following tips: 1) If you are being treated unfairly in court your barrister can end the court hearing and walk out this happened two weeks ago in a Northampton Court. A friend's relative was receiving the same level of abuse that I did in court and her barrister simply said he would not accept the abuse towards his client and walked out 2) Clearly recall your judges interactions with your barristers - I knew the female barristers were simply being trampled all over, therefore it was a strategic decision that I requested a very experienced male barrister. He made the difference of my abusive ex getting majority to minority access.

H2024 · 14/02/2024 01:30

Hi, I- as many of you, had pretty horrible experience at the family court 2022, still in a process of healing from it.. Truly shocking system that fails so many mothers..Cafcass, barristers, court poor administration, the stress of being judged by bunch of strangers for no good reason..traumatic experience

However, once I had the final hearing I have decided to do my masters about this.. with the hope of changing or at least raising awareness of the this corrupted system..

I often felt that this is not 'Child Arrangement Order' more like Father Arrangement one..

Please get in touch if you feel that your story wasn't heard..if you'd like to be part of theatrical research dealing with the way the family court further abuses victims.. I'd like to create a community of women that survived this ordeal
and ended up silenced in this misogynistic set up

PlsSendWine · 14/02/2024 10:52

H2024 · 14/02/2024 01:30

Hi, I- as many of you, had pretty horrible experience at the family court 2022, still in a process of healing from it.. Truly shocking system that fails so many mothers..Cafcass, barristers, court poor administration, the stress of being judged by bunch of strangers for no good reason..traumatic experience

However, once I had the final hearing I have decided to do my masters about this.. with the hope of changing or at least raising awareness of the this corrupted system..

I often felt that this is not 'Child Arrangement Order' more like Father Arrangement one..

Please get in touch if you feel that your story wasn't heard..if you'd like to be part of theatrical research dealing with the way the family court further abuses victims.. I'd like to create a community of women that survived this ordeal
and ended up silenced in this misogynistic set up

Edited

yes me for sure! I have a story to tell but not sure how I contact you without giving my details on here…?

MyopicBunny · 14/02/2024 11:03

I have heard this sort of thing, too. And I would do anything to avoid FC.

This is a bit different but I'm aware of a situation where a lesbian couple (A and B) had a child and A was the bio mum. B had an affair with a man, went to live with him and ignored their child for 4 years. One day, out of the blue she decided she wanted contact again. She claimed parental alienation and to cut a long story short, this child is now living with B who isn't her mum and who ignored her for years. It makes zero sense. I don't think that partners in homosexual marriages should be allowed on the BC if the child isn't biologically theirs.

H2024 · 14/02/2024 17:29

The research is still in a very early stage, with a timeline of two years - if you want to get in touch please PM me anonymously.. We are all aware of the strict rules of the family court where we can't disclose our names..make up a name if you wish, the true identity isn't the main thing.. The main thing is to find a way to share stories and empower us all.. too many of us are going through this hell without even being allowed to even talk about it..

Emeraldglitter · 23/02/2024 02:21

Yes, magistrate shouted at me. Cafcass, ICFA and ex lied together. I don't know how they sleep at night or live with themselves, knowing the damage they cause.

Ex left and didn't want child due to my ethnicity. Many years on, he's back. There has been DV, coercive control and stalking. He lies about his abandonment and court laps it up.

I don't know what to do. My child now has a guardian being the same cafcass SW that lied about me.

Have you seen this.
Family court ruling

Family Court Files: child removed from mother after ‘punitive’ recommendation

Decision came after evidence from three experts, one of whom was unregulated

https://www.thebureauinvestigates.com/stories/2023-12-16/family-court-files-child-removed-from-mother-after-punitive-recommendation/

Emeraldglitter · 23/02/2024 03:00

Springmum30. What prayers and how did you root into your faith in a way that made the difference. Ive been praying and praying. My church and others too. Not much has helped.

People are now looking at ways to get me out the country to keep me and child safe. Ex was very abusive.

SpringMum30 · 23/02/2024 06:51

Emeraldglitter · 23/02/2024 03:00

Springmum30. What prayers and how did you root into your faith in a way that made the difference. Ive been praying and praying. My church and others too. Not much has helped.

People are now looking at ways to get me out the country to keep me and child safe. Ex was very abusive.

There is a Facebook group called 'Clarity to confusion' honestly life changing for me. It's run by a Christian lady who experienced DV and there is a community of women that offer great support and advice. She also runs a healing programme online to help process trauma, learn how to support your children through abuse etc. I'm working through that along with talk therapy with a professional counsellor (through a charity) and I'm in such a positive place 🙏🏽

Emeraldglitter · 23/02/2024 13:05

Thank you springmum30. I found the website and had a look. Its good. I've listened to a bit of the podcast. Abuse is so manipulative and convoluted. Its a good reminder and really highlights the little things abusers start to do, which are easy to over look, to not too, as they lead onto bigger forms of abuse. I've definitely healed and moved on from horrific DV but also recognise what she is saying about the lasting anxiety. It will be interesting to keep exploring her resources. Thank you

Dotcomdolly · 02/03/2024 18:54

Lip Piercing

i treated myself to a Monroe lip piercing yesterday. It wasn’t too painful but bled a bit. Anyhow I was getting ready for bed and I swear I didn’t knock it but it went inside my mouth. Blood was really gushing out and I didn’t know what to do. I kept trying to push it back out but in the end the whole bar came out and I could not refit it. I let my piercing studio know this morning and she said this happens a lot and the piercing will have closed up. So now I have the swelling and bruising and no piercing. She told me to let it heal and she will re pierce but I can just see it happening again. What a waste of money that was.

halfpasteleven · 13/03/2024 22:07

Wish me luck please... I'm in family court tomorrow...

It's been 10 years of fighting him.
He gets free legal aid..
I don't qualify for it.

He is relentless.

Quickdraw23 · 14/03/2024 07:04

MyopicBunny · 14/02/2024 11:03

I have heard this sort of thing, too. And I would do anything to avoid FC.

This is a bit different but I'm aware of a situation where a lesbian couple (A and B) had a child and A was the bio mum. B had an affair with a man, went to live with him and ignored their child for 4 years. One day, out of the blue she decided she wanted contact again. She claimed parental alienation and to cut a long story short, this child is now living with B who isn't her mum and who ignored her for years. It makes zero sense. I don't think that partners in homosexual marriages should be allowed on the BC if the child isn't biologically theirs.

This sounds like a very distressing situation, and i have no doubt that the family courts and CAFCASS are as previous posters have said completely unfit for purpose. I am so sorry to hear of all these stories.

I don’t want to detail this thread, but I have to challenge your closing statement, as it shocked and upset me. The answer to the above scenario is not to remove same sex couples rights to be legal parents together. They were hard fought for and won for a reason. When I have a baby my legal partner will be the other legal parent. If I were to die while our child is still under 18, this means my partner will be able to continue to care for them, and make parental decisions. Taking away this right from her would likely mean either her being forced through a gruelling adoption process, or our child being removed and placed with someone else. That is what used to happen before we had the rights we have now. Perhaps you don’t believe we should have these rights, if so, that is a discussion for another thread.

i wish all the very best for everyone currently going through the family courts and enduring that experience.

MyopicBunny · 14/03/2024 08:03

@Quickdraw23 lots of people have to legally adopt children. It shows their investment in that child for the long haul. If it's gruelling so be it.

It should be about what's best for the child.

Username947531 · 14/03/2024 08:13

My friend had a horrific experience. Cafcass twisted everything, his ex lied, the judge totally ignored everything he said and the children's wishes were ignored despite them not being young. It was as though the judge just hated him and believed everything she said because she's a woman.
I was there for some of it as his Makenzie friend as he could not afford representation for most of the hearings and I now have PTSD due to the injustice trauma. It totally destroyed any faith I had in what I thought was British justice. His ex walked away a multi millionaire. He has ended up homeless and penniless. As each of the kids have become adults they've broken off contact with her as they are so disgusted by how she and the courts behaved.

MyopicBunny · 14/03/2024 08:13

Also, in the case I was talking about, the bio mum believes that the reason she has lost her daughter who she gave birth to is because the other woman 'parent' is now living with a man. She believes Social services are homophobic and want the child to live with a hetero couple.

Quickdraw23 · 14/03/2024 08:49

MyopicBunny · 14/03/2024 08:13

Also, in the case I was talking about, the bio mum believes that the reason she has lost her daughter who she gave birth to is because the other woman 'parent' is now living with a man. She believes Social services are homophobic and want the child to live with a hetero couple.

infertile men who required the use of a sperm donor to have a child with their wife do not have to adopt that child, and so neither should same sex partners. For your position to be consistent anyone who is not a birth mother should have to adopt their child, and be subject to the same scrutiny when doing so, including biological fathers.

I need no convincing at all that the courts, social services and cafcass can make hugely homophobic and frequently misogynistic decisions. That is no reason for a blanket withdrawal of parental rights from people because they are gay.

I am now leaving this thread as I really don’t want to derail it.

Menomeno · 14/03/2024 09:15

Good luck today, @halfpasteleven . Stay strong and calm. Hoping it all goes well! x

halfpasteleven · 14/03/2024 09:19

@Menomeno thank you so much. DP vomiting all night so have to go on my own - Sods Law eh?!