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Original poster

Anyone had a bad experience in family court?

207 replies

IRememberMitmoo · 22/02/2023 22:35

Name changed but long term poster.

I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who has had a horrendous experience in family court?

I'm really struggling at the moment trying to piece together what happened. The court case went completely out of control and I felt like not a single thing I said was being seriously considered while everything he said was given so much credence. He had absolutely no evidence to support anything he said and it was just believed and if I said something, I was treated like a lying criminal.

The judge raised his voice to me and spoke to me like I was a piece of shit on his shoe. It honestly felt like I was in some horrendous old boys club.

My solicitor was upset herself and she was even crying a little when we were in the car park outside. I was too shocked to cry in court or outside, but I've been in tears and having nightmares and panic attacks ever since.

It's on my mind night and day. If it hadn't been for my solicitor being there, I might have ended up convinced myself that I'd been doing these things.

Is it just me that this has happened to? I feel so alone in this. Did you ever manage to get over it? Any tips for how I can move on? I really don't get on with counselling.

OP posts:
Aintnosupermum · 08/12/2023 16:26

@JasminNorman

I had a similar experience. I walked away from my marriage with about 5% of combined assets, no alimony and 50/50 child related costs and custody. There is no parent plan because I wasn’t going to agree to something he could use to attack me with later. My divorce was cheap and very quick (5 months).

Subsequent to this I have been documenting evidence to show how his behavior affects the children. My lawyer has told me it’s a more effective approach with the family courts because, you, the original abused victim, are now removed, how he treats the children is 100% on him, nothing to do with his relationship with me.

I am in the US but the rules are very similar. Document how the children’s developmental growth is affected by his behavior because that is what affects the custody schedule. Cutting him off from any contact with you (do not cut off contact with the children under any circumstances) is a good thing. I use talking parents as it records phone calls. All communication is submissible evidence and my lawyer is hooked up so he can read any messages I reference for him to review.

Men have their playbook…it’s just that. Abusive use of conflict is also an issue. Highlight that and make clear his actions are alienating you as a mother from parenting your child and here is the evidence of the impact to the children. For my ex husband everything he does is based on his needs and how he feels. It’s not about you or the children, but about him and his fragile ego. His drama gets a one word reply from me because I don’t let that into my space (head, home or world). I use chatGDP to write the messages I have to send him so they are unemotional.

It has been tough to walk away but it’s very effective. I lost all our mutual friends and a year later a couple of the wives have reached out to me. I am very guarded with what I tell them. He is telling everyone, including the children about his new girlfriend and when he isn’t with the children he is at her house. The children have picked up on this and they don’t like it. I have not dated where I live. I am dating someone but he lives on a different continent. I see him when I have work trips near where he is from. My children have no idea I’m dating which is exactly how it should be. He is wonderful, we run together on virtual dates! I hope we have a future together but I’m taking it very slowly. There are zero updates to my social media profile and my friends & colleagues know not to tag me. Outside of our weekly coparent therapy session he has zero face to face access to me.

PlsSendWine · 11/12/2023 17:33

My experience traumatised me, I stopped fighting my abusive ex in court the end because the misogyny of the judges themselves broke me.

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 01:17

Have to name change as so outing.

My experiences have been pretty bad. After a while I had to do it by myself as I ran out of money to pay lawyers or barristers.

The worst judge I had was actually a female judge.

She sat a court session for us but it wasn't the final hearing.

So to be completely honest this is a brief background (so much more then this to the story)

Ex moved 5-6 hours drive away. Was forcing me to adhere to the old court order of driving to a town 2 hours away every two weeks which I did, 2 hours is fine. However he had me driving the 5-6 hours but in one day so 10 hours because he's decided he couldn't return DD. Just completely abusing the system.
We went to court and one of the hearings I mentioned his change of location as wasn't in his position statements. Ex tried to make out he was all for compromise and said he could meet me at this 2 hour halfway point every second weekend on Friday and Sunday, however he failed to mention he was Still living in the 2 hour location and his step kids were seeing their father there so was in the area then anyway.
But that wasn't the issue. He wanted me to be at this place on those Fridays at 6pm. Bear in mind I live two hours away and work until 4.30pm. The journey is also on a very busy motorway. The judge gave no flexibility if I was running late , apparently she knew the journey well and felt I could do it easily. Not taking into account it being a Friday!
She said if I didn't make it by 6pm ex could drive in to other location 5-6 hours and I'd have to go there instead,
She even suggested I leave early from work every second Friday! Friday is my busiest day at work!

I knew my abusive Ex would love this and sure enough, the first time I was late by 15 minutes because of awful traffic he didn't wait for me and DD and I drove to this place and back taking over ten hours in one day.

On the Sunday return day he'd often be late but I waited because it wasn't fair in DD to leave. Other times hed text me 5 mins before and say he couldn't bring DD and I'd have to drive to get her. I recall leaving on a Sunday at 3pm to get her and getting back at 3am with school and work the next day.

Honestly I had to beg my bosses to let me take some early leave on those days, and on occasion pulled my DD out of school early so we could make the meet time. So many times DD begged not to go, one time she was sick in the car but I was so petrified of consequences of not obeying the interim order I had to.

This sent on for months before a different judge ruled against that. I was really traumatised by the stress of it all
As was my DD.

I know this story isn't THAT bad but it was in a long line during an awful time and it was the last straw. I felt so let down by the judge. I've wanted to contact her since (but I wouldn't!) just to let her understand what that decision did to us,

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 14/12/2023 03:22

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 01:17

Have to name change as so outing.

My experiences have been pretty bad. After a while I had to do it by myself as I ran out of money to pay lawyers or barristers.

The worst judge I had was actually a female judge.

She sat a court session for us but it wasn't the final hearing.

So to be completely honest this is a brief background (so much more then this to the story)

Ex moved 5-6 hours drive away. Was forcing me to adhere to the old court order of driving to a town 2 hours away every two weeks which I did, 2 hours is fine. However he had me driving the 5-6 hours but in one day so 10 hours because he's decided he couldn't return DD. Just completely abusing the system.
We went to court and one of the hearings I mentioned his change of location as wasn't in his position statements. Ex tried to make out he was all for compromise and said he could meet me at this 2 hour halfway point every second weekend on Friday and Sunday, however he failed to mention he was Still living in the 2 hour location and his step kids were seeing their father there so was in the area then anyway.
But that wasn't the issue. He wanted me to be at this place on those Fridays at 6pm. Bear in mind I live two hours away and work until 4.30pm. The journey is also on a very busy motorway. The judge gave no flexibility if I was running late , apparently she knew the journey well and felt I could do it easily. Not taking into account it being a Friday!
She said if I didn't make it by 6pm ex could drive in to other location 5-6 hours and I'd have to go there instead,
She even suggested I leave early from work every second Friday! Friday is my busiest day at work!

I knew my abusive Ex would love this and sure enough, the first time I was late by 15 minutes because of awful traffic he didn't wait for me and DD and I drove to this place and back taking over ten hours in one day.

On the Sunday return day he'd often be late but I waited because it wasn't fair in DD to leave. Other times hed text me 5 mins before and say he couldn't bring DD and I'd have to drive to get her. I recall leaving on a Sunday at 3pm to get her and getting back at 3am with school and work the next day.

Honestly I had to beg my bosses to let me take some early leave on those days, and on occasion pulled my DD out of school early so we could make the meet time. So many times DD begged not to go, one time she was sick in the car but I was so petrified of consequences of not obeying the interim order I had to.

This sent on for months before a different judge ruled against that. I was really traumatised by the stress of it all
As was my DD.

I know this story isn't THAT bad but it was in a long line during an awful time and it was the last straw. I felt so let down by the judge. I've wanted to contact her since (but I wouldn't!) just to let her understand what that decision did to us,

I very much believe you about the drop offs being used as a weapon. I had something along those lines too. I remember the terror of worrying about traffic, rain, snow etc. I've done over 100 in the car because I'm more scared of him than killing myself and my child in an accident. I might have mentioned this already but I can't read my posts to check because I don't want to traumatise myself reading it.

It's no way to live. I'm so sorry you went through that.

OP posts:
Airyfairy99 · 14/12/2023 03:38

Following

Pickles2023 · 14/12/2023 07:03

You cant predict court at all....

Same room, same evidence completely different outcome depending on judge.

Social can remove your children if you dont safeguard/stop contact...but a judge will reinstate it..its a complete minefield that puts you between a rock and a hard place. Makes absolutely no sense.

I think its the one scenario AI would be useful..to remove the bias and projection of the people running the room.

LINDAHOAD · 14/12/2023 10:13

that is awful it just seems al mind games and causing as many problems as possible when you are trying to work and care for children.

the majority of people do not realise what some parents have to put up with to ensure that contact is maintained.

Courtnightmares · 14/12/2023 10:32

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 01:17

Have to name change as so outing.

My experiences have been pretty bad. After a while I had to do it by myself as I ran out of money to pay lawyers or barristers.

The worst judge I had was actually a female judge.

She sat a court session for us but it wasn't the final hearing.

So to be completely honest this is a brief background (so much more then this to the story)

Ex moved 5-6 hours drive away. Was forcing me to adhere to the old court order of driving to a town 2 hours away every two weeks which I did, 2 hours is fine. However he had me driving the 5-6 hours but in one day so 10 hours because he's decided he couldn't return DD. Just completely abusing the system.
We went to court and one of the hearings I mentioned his change of location as wasn't in his position statements. Ex tried to make out he was all for compromise and said he could meet me at this 2 hour halfway point every second weekend on Friday and Sunday, however he failed to mention he was Still living in the 2 hour location and his step kids were seeing their father there so was in the area then anyway.
But that wasn't the issue. He wanted me to be at this place on those Fridays at 6pm. Bear in mind I live two hours away and work until 4.30pm. The journey is also on a very busy motorway. The judge gave no flexibility if I was running late , apparently she knew the journey well and felt I could do it easily. Not taking into account it being a Friday!
She said if I didn't make it by 6pm ex could drive in to other location 5-6 hours and I'd have to go there instead,
She even suggested I leave early from work every second Friday! Friday is my busiest day at work!

I knew my abusive Ex would love this and sure enough, the first time I was late by 15 minutes because of awful traffic he didn't wait for me and DD and I drove to this place and back taking over ten hours in one day.

On the Sunday return day he'd often be late but I waited because it wasn't fair in DD to leave. Other times hed text me 5 mins before and say he couldn't bring DD and I'd have to drive to get her. I recall leaving on a Sunday at 3pm to get her and getting back at 3am with school and work the next day.

Honestly I had to beg my bosses to let me take some early leave on those days, and on occasion pulled my DD out of school early so we could make the meet time. So many times DD begged not to go, one time she was sick in the car but I was so petrified of consequences of not obeying the interim order I had to.

This sent on for months before a different judge ruled against that. I was really traumatised by the stress of it all
As was my DD.

I know this story isn't THAT bad but it was in a long line during an awful time and it was the last straw. I felt so let down by the judge. I've wanted to contact her since (but I wouldn't!) just to let her understand what that decision did to us,

This is so horrible. It really is. I can't even imagine the stress you may have felt driving and ahead of driving. What an awful awful man.

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:44

It really was. It's weird how out of everything I went through this is the thing that sticks in my mind the most. Out of everything this is a more minor thing that's happened but I think it was what tipped me over the edge.

For the final hearing I had to get my HR director to write me a letter saying that they wouldn't allow me to leave early every second Friday and also had to provide proof that I'd have to take my DD out of school early in order to make the meet time.

It was so stressful. I genuinely feel that it caused lasting damage on myself and my DD. I remember picking her up hottest day of the year from her sports day and she felt sick and begged to go home. I had to make her drive with me because I was so scared of what he would do if I didn't follow the order. I'm ashamed of how scared I was.

I felt the judge enabled him . In the last hearing I did get a good judge but it took a long time to get seen.

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:47

The whole court experience went on for a really long time and it really traumatised me. It happened nearly two years ago and im writing this post with tears in my eyes. I've had therapy , it didn't help me much.

Courtnightmares · 14/12/2023 10:49

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:44

It really was. It's weird how out of everything I went through this is the thing that sticks in my mind the most. Out of everything this is a more minor thing that's happened but I think it was what tipped me over the edge.

For the final hearing I had to get my HR director to write me a letter saying that they wouldn't allow me to leave early every second Friday and also had to provide proof that I'd have to take my DD out of school early in order to make the meet time.

It was so stressful. I genuinely feel that it caused lasting damage on myself and my DD. I remember picking her up hottest day of the year from her sports day and she felt sick and begged to go home. I had to make her drive with me because I was so scared of what he would do if I didn't follow the order. I'm ashamed of how scared I was.

I felt the judge enabled him . In the last hearing I did get a good judge but it took a long time to get seen.

How old is your daughter now? what is her relationship with him now? this screams of once she's old enough she's going to tell him she doesn't want to see him anymore! i can see it!

SpringMum30 · 14/12/2023 10:50

@namechange301 did you do talk therapy? I've found it helpful but working through a faith based healing programme now that focuses more on breath work and mindfulness to heal trauma stored in the body. Things like somatic exercises and emotional regulation that has really been helpful for me

Courtnightmares · 14/12/2023 10:50

I am approaching final hearing soon, and we have so far to date always had a screen between us at court. But hearing his voice makes me feel sick.
I cannot bear the thought of ever seeing or speaking to him again!

Original poster
IRememberMitmoo · 14/12/2023 10:51

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:47

The whole court experience went on for a really long time and it really traumatised me. It happened nearly two years ago and im writing this post with tears in my eyes. I've had therapy , it didn't help me much.

I really get it. I get flashbacks all the time. I don't think I'll ever get over the trauma.

I'm so so sorry 🌺🌺🌺

OP posts:
namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:52

@Courtnightmares she's 15 and can take a train now every month although he's now moved abroad 🙈 until at least Easter
But definitely by 16 she can choose when to visit I think

Courtnightmares · 14/12/2023 10:53

My daughter is only 5. So far nobody in the court process has progressed contact, it's been supervised for 2 hours a fortnight in a contact centre for several years now.

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:54

SpringMum30 · 14/12/2023 10:50

@namechange301 did you do talk therapy? I've found it helpful but working through a faith based healing programme now that focuses more on breath work and mindfulness to heal trauma stored in the body. Things like somatic exercises and emotional regulation that has really been helpful for me

Yes the CB one , I didn't find it helpful for me , I tried twice . I did get psychotherapy through work which did help but I don't have that option now

namechange301 · 14/12/2023 10:55

Thanks @IRememberMitmoo xx

SpringMum30 · 14/12/2023 11:03

@namechange301 I'm in talk therapy too but through a charity that supports victims of DV and so they are trauma informed too. It was a long waiting list but I researched counsellors in my local area and eventually found someone suitable. It's also free

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 15:58

I’m in the US and in a professional, well paid job with an expensive but good insurance plan. I have a co-parent therapist which has been just me and the ex husband, individual therapist for myself, individual therapists for the children and now progressing to a guardian as litem. It’s extremely expensive.

Everyone sees through my ex husband because I hired a family assistant to help me with organizing all of the documentation. I also use ChatGDP for communication, which I highly recommend doing the legwork to learn how to deal with these men. I found this group to be helpful and in their recommendations of high conflict coaches, they have a U.K. based consulting group.

https://www.hcdivorcecoach.com/divorce-coach-gobaith

She is on instagram under onemomsbattle

There is a program she runs which taught me how to document. She has written two books, one due to be released in 2024. I found this visual very helpful because it’s exactly what has happened to so many of us.

https://www.alienationindustry.com/pipeline

Divorce Coach Gobaith in United Kingdom

About divorce Coach Christine Cascio in New Jeresy: I have personally been in a high conflict divorce for over a decade

https://www.hcdivorcecoach.com/divorce-coach-gobaith

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 15:58

Of course this is expensive. What isn’t!?!

Redlarge · 14/12/2023 17:37

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 15:58

I’m in the US and in a professional, well paid job with an expensive but good insurance plan. I have a co-parent therapist which has been just me and the ex husband, individual therapist for myself, individual therapists for the children and now progressing to a guardian as litem. It’s extremely expensive.

Everyone sees through my ex husband because I hired a family assistant to help me with organizing all of the documentation. I also use ChatGDP for communication, which I highly recommend doing the legwork to learn how to deal with these men. I found this group to be helpful and in their recommendations of high conflict coaches, they have a U.K. based consulting group.

https://www.hcdivorcecoach.com/divorce-coach-gobaith

She is on instagram under onemomsbattle

There is a program she runs which taught me how to document. She has written two books, one due to be released in 2024. I found this visual very helpful because it’s exactly what has happened to so many of us.

https://www.alienationindustry.com/pipeline

Family court here is completely different. Very low burden of proof, very informal and anything goes really.

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 17:59

It’s not that different here in the U.S.

The reliance on low burden of proof documentation from one parent, normally the father, is about the same hence why documentation is so vitally important. You have to have a clear, easy to follow story with irrefutable evidence that only demonstrates and evidences the impact to the children. US Family courts are notorious for getting it wrong and there have been some write ups recently in the WSJ and NYT on similar issues the UK system has.

I do wish there was a better way to hold a judge accountable for their decisions.

Redlarge · 14/12/2023 18:29

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 17:59

It’s not that different here in the U.S.

The reliance on low burden of proof documentation from one parent, normally the father, is about the same hence why documentation is so vitally important. You have to have a clear, easy to follow story with irrefutable evidence that only demonstrates and evidences the impact to the children. US Family courts are notorious for getting it wrong and there have been some write ups recently in the WSJ and NYT on similar issues the UK system has.

I do wish there was a better way to hold a judge accountable for their decisions.

They dont even ask for this though.

Aintnosupermum · 14/12/2023 19:30

No, you give it to them. They don’t ask for it here in the US. You have to have it prepared and present it. First to the court appointed mediator and then the guardian ad litem and finally the judge.

The Uk has a different name for the mediator and guardian as litem. The guardian ad litem is appointed by the court and would normally be your CAFCASS social worker or NYAS officer in the UK.