Page 14 | The outcome of my affair

Namechange2399 · 2023-02-22T14:59:22+00:00

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight. I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person. Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility. My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement. The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 17:25

@Moser85

You have just inadvertently weakened your own argument though.

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 17:32

@WidthofaLine How so?

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 17:35

@Moser85

To quote a previously rude poster

'Use your brain"

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 17:40

@WidthofaLine
If it's because I said they're less likely to have affairs, it's because for many the symptoms that they will make them feel shit about themselves and unwell.

That doesn't change the fact that for others the symptoms and effects are different.

We're not talking about the same woman here 😂

Mary who has the stereotypical symptoms will be less likely to have the affair. Ann who has more extreme changes is more likely (than Mary) to behave in radically different ways than she used to.

So most are less likely to have affairs because of their experience but some are more likely to engage in reckless behaviour because of the extreme changes they experience.

Again, it's not that difficult.

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 17:47

@Moser85

I know that.

What I don't accept is that the menopause is a valid reason or excuse for engaging in an affair.

divorceornot · 23/02/2023 18:25

It’s not a valid excuse but it could perfectly be a reason for behaviour that led up to an affair.

Same as any other reason. People always have a reason. No one wakes up and goes “I know! I really fancy betraying the person I’m married to today”. Doesn’t make the fact of having the affair right or justified. But you can still identify it as a reason.

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 18:44

@WidthofaLine
When people discuss things that may have contributed to a persons actions the information is part of a explanation, not an 'excuse'.

Why do people always have to turn explanation into excuse.

All the time...mental health is no excuse, insanity is no excuse.....

People need to unlink 'explanation' from 'excuse' because they are different.

As for it not being a valid reason, I don't think anyone is saying oh yeah of course, menopause is definitely a valid reason for an affair. They're acknowledging that sometimes the changes contribute to a person acting in a way they never would have prior to the changes.

I know a lady who suffered huge mood swings after cancer treatment. She lost a huge number of students due to it. I can totally understand why she lost students over it, but some who had previously known and liked her were awful about her, slamming her on social media etc.
So many people have no compassion or empathy.

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 18:55

Care and compassion.

Rubbish, this woman would have been on cloud nine whilst her husband was in the depths of despair along with his children.

Are you say during menopause you lose the ability to be empathetic.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2023 18:59

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 18:55

Care and compassion.

Rubbish, this woman would have been on cloud nine whilst her husband was in the depths of despair along with his children.

Are you say during menopause you lose the ability to be empathetic.

You’re kind of making this posters’ point for her.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2023 19:02

Has anyone worked out yet that the OP is long gone and now we’re just fighting amongst ourselves ? Yet another thread on which grown women have gone for slanging match above reasoned debate.

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 19:04

@WidthofaLine
Some people absolutely say they were less empathetic when they were menopausal.

At least you won't have far to fall from the levels of empathy you're at 😂

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 19:04

Affair apologists will jump on the bandwagon.

SimplySeb · 23/02/2023 19:33

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 16:44

Why on earth would someone jump to the conclusion that a menopausal woman could steal 200k?
A gambler would be more likely to steal than a menopausal woman, and gamblers are more likely to be men.
Any employee can be a risk.....even the most statistically safe employee could end up having a psychotic break. But most businesses will never suffer a large theft even if they hire a wide variety of people who fit into a wide variety of categories.

No employer should be thinking that menopausal women are a huge risk, because they're not. Just like they shouldn't assume men could be gamblers etc.
No one is saying that all women are likely to experience extreme changes due to menopause, but that some can.

Show quote history

Women in their 40's and 50's steal from their employes and hit the news regularily. Maybe a hndful a year hit the news, which in the grand scheme of things is irrelevant, Some businesses survuve, some die. Poeple lose their jobs. Boo-hoo. But in some instances these are people's homes and their entire lifes work being destroyed.

Are any of the women punished? Nope. Well, slap on the wrist and say sorry.
Lisa Arnold was the exception, probebly because it was a betrayal of the Police and not some rich business owner. She only stole £15K, played the 'but menopause' card and lost. Go to jail, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

I didn't say whether it was right or wrong. I really couldn't care less. I was explaining where @Bamboux was coming from.

SimplySeb · 23/02/2023 19:37

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2023 19:02

Has anyone worked out yet that the OP is long gone and now we’re just fighting amongst ourselves ? Yet another thread on which grown women have gone for slanging match above reasoned debate.

Oh, she flew the coup a long time ago.
Maybe that's the problem.
Can't justify her actions, wont face criticism when she realised a lot of people were disgusted with her behavior.
Maybe she'll do alright in the dating market, or buy a dog.
I do hope she doesn't go and destroy DxH's life a second time just for giggles.
But then if she does its just as much his fault, because he knows what she's like.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

journeyofinsanity · 23/02/2023 19:43

@SimplySeb get off your bitter high horse. I'd rather spend time with someone who cheated once than a sanctimonious, self righteous pain the arse

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 19:52

SimplySeb · 23/02/2023 19:33

Women in their 40's and 50's steal from their employes and hit the news regularily. Maybe a hndful a year hit the news, which in the grand scheme of things is irrelevant, Some businesses survuve, some die. Poeple lose their jobs. Boo-hoo. But in some instances these are people's homes and their entire lifes work being destroyed.

Are any of the women punished? Nope. Well, slap on the wrist and say sorry.
Lisa Arnold was the exception, probebly because it was a betrayal of the Police and not some rich business owner. She only stole £15K, played the 'but menopause' card and lost. Go to jail, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

I didn't say whether it was right or wrong. I really couldn't care less. I was explaining where @Bamboux was coming from.

Show quote history

Have you ever seen the crimes that men commit that they get a slap on the wrist for???? Men walk free from the court even though they are a massive danger to women.

Don't try to make out that women have it easier in the courts because they use some kind of menopausal sob story, because men get away with far worse crimes and their solicitors always ask for lots of factors to be taken into account. "His mother died", "He was drinking a lot due to the break up of his family", "he was suffering from depression" "He lost his way after he lost his job".

Men often walk free even if they're a high risk to womens safety.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 19:56

Remind me how long Dave Carrick got away with his series of rapes.

journeyofinsanity · 23/02/2023 20:27

I find it heartbreaking that generations of women were given barbiturates, Valium and ultimately thrown in mental asylums during the menopause and here we are in 2023 arguing that menopause isn't that bad and doesn't have a significant enough effect to create out of character behaviours.

TinyCactusInAPot · 23/02/2023 21:15

If menopause is considered to be so bad as to say someone is no longer responsible for their actions, you are not actually helping women

you are then saying all women in menopause can’t be held liable or responsible for their actions…. In other words menopause equals insanity?

I am 50 myself, and very sympathetic to every woman going through hormonal upheaval, and menopause really sucks…. but I don’t buy into it making people a completely different person who is therefore not accountable for any choices they made during that time

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2023 21:19

SimplySeb · 23/02/2023 19:37

Oh, she flew the coup a long time ago.
Maybe that's the problem.
Can't justify her actions, wont face criticism when she realised a lot of people were disgusted with her behavior.
Maybe she'll do alright in the dating market, or buy a dog.
I do hope she doesn't go and destroy DxH's life a second time just for giggles.
But then if she does its just as much his fault, because he knows what she's like.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Show quote history

Wonder how many people posting that they are ‘disgusted with her behaviour’ are actually men ?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2023 21:25

TinyCactusInAPot · 23/02/2023 21:15

If menopause is considered to be so bad as to say someone is no longer responsible for their actions, you are not actually helping women

you are then saying all women in menopause can’t be held liable or responsible for their actions…. In other words menopause equals insanity?

I am 50 myself, and very sympathetic to every woman going through hormonal upheaval, and menopause really sucks…. but I don’t buy into it making people a completely different person who is therefore not accountable for any choices they made during that time

No but you’re buying into the notion that all women must be affected in the same way aren’t you ? Of course menopause doesn’t equal insanity, but for a proportion of women it’s responsible for them acting well out of character. And no-one is saying they’re not accountable for their choices - the OP left her husband for another man, and is now living with the consequences of that choice. Doesn’t mean she was of sound mind when she made that choice. And it certainly doesn’t mean that every woman who goes through menopause will fuck up her life. But some do. And if this thread is anything to go by, other women will be only to willing to act as judge, jury and executioner because if it’s outside the scope of their own experience it’s not valid.

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 21:27

TinyCactusInAPot · 23/02/2023 21:15

If menopause is considered to be so bad as to say someone is no longer responsible for their actions, you are not actually helping women

you are then saying all women in menopause can’t be held liable or responsible for their actions…. In other words menopause equals insanity?

I am 50 myself, and very sympathetic to every woman going through hormonal upheaval, and menopause really sucks…. but I don’t buy into it making people a completely different person who is therefore not accountable for any choices they made during that time

I certainly haven't said that there isn't accountability, but poor choices, desperately poor choices can be made.

Was I, a hugely privileged, affluent woman with every advantage that brings, my best version of myself during my decade long menopause?

Hell No.

It was very hard at times to full understand whatvthe hell was going on with me.

I certainly have several friends who went through far worse that me.

I don't believe it is anymore possible to judge the menopausal experience of another woman that it is her birthing experience.

It is completely unique.

I have nothing but compassion and sympathy of any woman going through it.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 23/02/2023 21:28

Are any of the women punished? Nope. Well, slap on the wrist and say sorry.
Lisa Arnold was the exception, probebly because it was a betrayal of the Police and not some rich business owner. She only stole £15K, played the 'but menopause' card and lost. Go to jail, go straight to jail, do not pass go, do not collect £200.

Pity Dave Carrick wasn’t judged by the same standards.

Moser85 · 23/02/2023 21:45

TinyCactusInAPot · 23/02/2023 21:15

If menopause is considered to be so bad as to say someone is no longer responsible for their actions, you are not actually helping women

you are then saying all women in menopause can’t be held liable or responsible for their actions…. In other words menopause equals insanity?

I am 50 myself, and very sympathetic to every woman going through hormonal upheaval, and menopause really sucks…. but I don’t buy into it making people a completely different person who is therefore not accountable for any choices they made during that time

No no no.

No one, is saying that menopause can and will affect ALL women dramatically and cause extreme changes for all women, only that it can for some. No one is saying that we put all poor behaviour down to 'menopause' if a woman is at that age. But a significant amount of women have shared their stories and said they did not recognise who they were and for some reason people want to discount those stories and make out that they're bullshit, it couldn't possibly affect people that much 🙄

It is certainly not helping women when people make out those stories are bullshit.

Most who make bad choices during menopause will suffer consequences for those bad choices also. Just like people with mental health issues often lose people they love, or people with trauma can act in destructive ways and lose people they love. There are consequences. Lots of them. but so many people can't even offer some compassion and seem to have no empathy.

WidthofaLine · 23/02/2023 22:09

Most who make bad choices during menopause will suffer consequences for
those bad choices also. Just like people with mental health issues often
lose people they love, or people with trauma can act in destructive
ways and lose people they love. There are consequences. Lots of them.
but so many people can't even offer some compassion and seem to have no
empathy.

In this case we are speaking about the op, each case must be looked at on a case by case basis.

Do you believe op was a victim and not responsible for her actions.