The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

Sadly it's a bit more than a blip!

She believes the menopause was in large part responsible for the change in her character that led to the affair. On reflection, after treatment, she realised her mistake in thinking that this was what she needed and the relationship ended. I think she’s a victim in the sense that ultimately she has had to take responsibility for, and live with the consequences of actions over which she feels she had little control.

What many people are overlooking is that her ex DH, being a lot closer to the situation, obviously had some insight into what she was experiencing, which is evident in his behaviour towards her throughout and since. Despite what must have been a devastating betrayal he behaved very decently and with more empathy than a lot of people commenting here. He understandably doesn’t want to reconcile because, no matter what the root cause, the trust has gone. I hope the OP can appreciate that he wants to move on with his life, accept it, and move on with her own.

Article on menopause on BBC Morning Live.

Damn right! I dont think anyone of any sex should be permitted to walk free from court for most of the crimes they commit. Particularily where minors are involved. The number of men who don't go to prison for possession of images in our country is disgusting.

But the thread I was responding to was explaining why another poster suggested some may be prudent to be wary employing women of a certain age if the threads on MN were to be believed. And that is the key. If those posting their stories on MN were to be believed. They never said they did believe all the stories MNers were posting. They just pointed out the consequences of implying that menopause was an acceptable excuse for bad behaviour in society.

We would live in a much healthier society if both men and women faced real consequences for their actions. No dispensations. No walking free 'cos waht about her kids. No walking free 'cos dearest mummy died of waife just left him. No, but traumatic childhood and they have already started therapy. No, we'll let you off because you're an excelent student and we shouldn't let one little rape stifle such a promissing career.

Everyone should face the full weight of the law, evenly and equality, without favour in any way in my opinion.

DotAndCarryOne2 · Today 08:33
I think she’s a victim in the sense that ultimately she has had to take responsibility for, and live with the consequences of actions over which she feels she had little control.

She is not a victim. She is a perpetrator. Feeling like you had to do something does not make you a victim, and more than feeling you had to commit a crime makes you a victim. She is the perpetrator of everything that went on. Playing the victim card is purely a sob story convenient to gerner supoort for from those she tells her tale of woe to.

Its no different from a guy who wants to be one of the lads feeling in his drunken haze on a lads weekend before marriage that he might like to go back to a prostitute's room. You wouldn'd say he was the victim because now he has to deal with wrecking his relationship. He's just an AH.

So don't play the victim card because she's female. That is just hypocracy and that type of sexism is also why sexism exists. Everyone should be treated equally regardless of their gender.

?

What on earth do you mean? Weird post.

She believes the menopause was in large part responsible for the change in her character that led to the affair.

Okay she may be right or she may be telling herself comforting lies - I can't evaluate which this is as I don't know her - it could be a contributing factor or it might have nothing to do it.

I just don't think every poster is willing to take this at face value but that doesn't mean they aren't understanding menopause hits women very differently and some will be at the extreme end.

ex DH, being a lot closer to the situation, obviously had some insight into what she was experiencing, which is evident in his behaviour towards her throughout and since. Despite what must have been a devastating betrayal he behaved very decently

Some men are just decent people especially when they may have concerns about their children.

That doesn't change fact a lot of men are utter arseholes post separation behaving in ways that surprise people who knew them prior.

I did get to know a single mum last place I lived who admitted she'd been the one to cheat - she was late 20s so I doubt she was near the menopause especially as she went on to have another child from another subsequent relationship. She had huge regrets but he said ex was always fair but she said it did get made clear to her that was because he was focused on their kids wellbeing not because he understood her actions.

@letthemalldoone

Oh do try actually reading my post 🙄

Some GPs are uneducated about perimenopause (menopause commences 1 year after the complete cessation of periods so you are using it incorrectly).

In Ireland, which I referred to, there has been a sea change in terms of treatment and workplace support.

I have indeed, as I said, experienced extremely debilitating effects of peri menopause thankfully helped by HRT now (you didn't bother to read that either).

However, despite how a woman can feel and the massive changes that are wrought, it is completely wrong to say that excuses an affair. There are many choices on the path to an affair & perimenopause can't be a reason to make the wrong one each time.

@EarringsandLipstick whats weird is coming onto a post by a woman who’s clearly had a bad time dumping judgment. Lucky you that you didn’t go through that.

Until the boot is on the other foot and it was her DH who had the affair due to a mid life crisis.

Then most of the replies would be LTB.

You either didn’t read my post properly or failed to understand what I said. Which was that she was only a victim in the sense that she now had to take responsibility for her actions and live with the consequences. And the last time I checked ‘one of the lads in a drunken haze’ is worlds away from what can be devastating hormonal changes during menopause, so please don’t insult women by suggesting that the two are remotely the same. I don’t suppose you bothered to look at BBC Morning Live on the effects of menopause and how employers are now being encouraged to be aware of how they can support employees going through it. The effects of hormonal changes can bring on mental health problems, including previously undiagnosed conditions such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

You either didn’t read my post properly or failed to understand what I
said. Which was that she was only a victim in the sense that she now
had to take responsibility for her actions and live with the
consequences.

So you believe she is a victim by having consequences from a crime she commited. ?

So she is in a period of reformation, whyby she has to understand why and how her behaviour was wrong, it appears op is applying her own reasons as to why her behaviour was wrong.

Reparations is an additional form of punishment for a purpitrator of crime whyby they have to pay, or make up for the crime they commited.

It doesn't look like op has come to terms with the punishment of her crimes.

I feel really sorry for the OP and her husband. It’s clear she was greatly affected by the menopause and I am not downplaying hormonal difficulties, menopause can be hell and post natal depression can even cause psychosis in its most extreme form.
However OP does need to take a step back from her difficulties at the time and realise that she made these choices herself. It’s hard and it’s tough but it’s more than likely true.
Not all women going through terrible menopause symptoms choose this route to temporary relief, plus presumably during the affair she was able to behave kindly and affectionately and rationally with her AP, but just not her husband, which of course suggests OP had more control over what she was doing than she is prepared to admit to herself.
The things that seem very evident are OP’s regret and remorse for her affair and how much she loves her ex husband. I believe her completely and it’s very sad that he can’t forgive her, although understandable.
It’s so, so sad that so many people after the madness of the affair bubble goes pop can see what a total devastating waste it was and discover what they really feel for their spouses, the love that comes from building and sharing a life together, a deep bond, not the thrill of the chase, the excitement of novelty, the initial buzz and flattery of someone new taking an interest and fanning their ego.
That deep love got taken for granted and even denied when it got in the way of a big dopamine rush or desire to reinvent themselves or an escape from just not feeling great for whatever reason. It rarely lasts in the cold light of day though.

I urge anyone even contemplating an affair to think again, for your own sake as much as anyone else’s. Invest the energy you want to put into the new person into your partner. If it’s still not working, then be honest and leave. Don’t kid yourself that your marriage is boring and shit if you’re putting all your attention and energy into someone and something else. You’re already part of the problem, and you always were, it takes two people to make or ruin a relationship, you’re part of what got you there. Refocus on your real relationship or leave it. There’s no excuse for affairs, they’re a choice. You’ll solve nothing by it, you’re making everything far, far worse.

I hope there’s a chance for reconciliation for OP, I genuinely do, but if not, then it’s time to move on and let him do that too.

The things that seem very evident are OP’s regret and remorse for her
affair and how much she loves her ex husband. I believe her completely
and it’s very sad that he can’t forgive her, although understandable.

We don't really know that, for all we know she may have fallen in love with a ap who in the end couldn't deliver or decided he didn't want to be with her, the reasons being numerable and in many cases predictable.

She didn't just have an affair and end it before her marriage exploded, feel remorseful and pick her husband, no she left the whole kit and kaboodle, finalised everthing, crossed the T's and dotted the I's.
She was fully aware of what she wanted and carried the divorce out with conviction, every step of the way she would have had choices to reasses her decision until it was too late.

Op's husband has been disgarded and rejected in every way possible, if he returns from that and forgives her, he is a saint or easily manipulated by someone who maybe was controlling enough to think even the worst of abuse and decisions can be reversed.

If I did that to someone I wouldn't dream of thinking I had the right to even suggest they should get back with me, my concience wouldn't allow it.

Now if the husband himself suggests it, then it would be different but he has never suggested this and his actions by upping where he lives to go to the coast shows, he doesn't want it.

As I said, the husband’s reaction is very understandable, but I still think it’s all really sad.

@Thewookiemustgo

The op's reaction is also understandable and yes everthing about the situation is sad.

Wookie, your h had an affair, and you have been very kind to him giving him another chance, but there is a vast difference, one being your h did not want to divorce and to end your union.
Your husband assesed what he wanted and decided he wanted you, he had to prove his love, he chose to try and he realised he would lose you if he did not show remorse.

There was none of that for op's husband, he had to disconnect totally at her request, she didn't want him at all, it takes time to divorce and for years she knew she didn't want him, that's a proper ending and severing of a union.

I don't think op really wants him now, I don't think it's love, it convienience and fear of being on her own.

Kind of what makes me the saddest is when the remorse takes too long or too much crap has gone under the bridge. Absolutely see your point of view, wasn’t at all comparing it to my situation, but I honestly do think she’s remorseful. It’s just way too late for her husband. Very sad. For everyone involved.

This happened to a couple we know, the affair partner didn't want the woman so she went back begging to her ex. Luckily the divorce proceedings hadn't started so he did take her back despite him being told no/she wasn't interested in him for almost a year prior. As pp have said, divorce takes time so ops husband must have really wanted it. Very sad.

Well personally I don't have a problem taking circumstances into account depending on the crime.
Financial crimes for example.
Not sex crimes.

And just to be clear (so I don't get accused of hypocrisy) that applies for men and women.
I believe circumstances should be taken into account for financial crimes etc whether committed by men OR women. It doesn't mean that they should get a free pass, only that circumstances should be considered.
And I believe they should NOT be taken into account for sex crimes whether committed by men OR women.

Re-read the opening post again. This line stands out:

"I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life"

So she's quite clearly blaming the menopause for her appalling actions. Just imagine, for one second, the response a man would get here if he had:

1. Cheated on his wife of 25 years;
2. Left said wife for other woman, devastating her and their kids in the process;
3. Dumped other woman when he got jealous of seeing ex wife getting on with her life and moving to the coast;
4. Begged ex wife to take him back, but not before managing to get more money out of her for his "financial settlement" with his ex lover.

And his only excuse was "it woz the 'ormones wot made me do it!" 😅

Believe me, the only 💐he'd get on here would be firmly rammed up his fundament!

@TrishM80

And his only excuse was "it woz the 'ormones wot made me do it!" 😅

Well yeah because men don't have anything like menopause 😂

Men have hormones, don't they?! But I doubt it'd be accepted on here as a valid excuse for the appalling behaviour as described above!

I'll be honest OP, from your exes point of view the menopause element is irrelevant. You were in a relationship for 30 supposedly happy years and you threw it in his face. They are the facts.

Just like if someone is having struggles with mental health and does something similar, it's in no way an excuse and is simply something you have to work on (and in fairness you did). But the end game is that regardless of what was going on for you, your ex was a victim of something you did which hurt him probably more than he'll ever tell you.

There are two options here IMOand neither are going to be nice.

the first is you move on, and properly move on and let your ex live his dream retirement in peace and hope that maybe someday he gets in touch (without instigating it yourself) maybe a goodbye letter leaving any future contact in his court.

The second is hard but I think your best option if you really love this man. I think pride needs to be out to one side and you need to essentially lay your soul in the line and effectively beg for him to take you back. I know others will call that pathetic etc but sometimes it takes another person to see our vulnerabilities to truly understand how we feel. I'd argue what have you got to lose at this stage?

I believe circumstances should be taken into account for financial crimes etc whether committed by men OR women. It doesn't mean that they should get a free pass, only that circumstances should be considered.
And I believe they should NOT be taken into account for sex crimes whether committed by men OR women

How is an affair not a sex crime? I sure as hell never consented to sex where a 3rd party was involved without a condom. The realisation I needed a full sexual health screening is genuinely one of the lowest points of my life. Relationships where one partner has multiple partners withou the knowledge of those partners should be a crime, in my opinion. It is a dreadful thing to do to anyone