The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

If she still reading - I've given advice she need to focus on the now and find a way to move on so she is a happy and content as she can make herself.

None of that is easy - but trying to get back with her ex or focus on what she has lost won't get her to a better tomorrow.

I had a midlife crisis at 46. I moved abroad, trebbled my income and had a baby. I guess men do things different.

... and I never even paused to find out how to spell 'treble.'

THIS

You had a baby?!? Wow. That is certainly unusual for a man.

Well I think I would have endured my menopause slightly better than if I had have not been betrayed during that time, for many women, menopause is a time when their partner chooses to lie and decieve them.

What the data is for that I don't know but I do know betrayal causes PTSD and I had one of those that wanted to re enter my heart. It caused and still causes great distress when he oversteps being civil to acts of kindness, my responses kick in and it takes me right back to that time of fear, confusion, paranoia and all the other stuff which floored me.

Op, if he asks for space which he clearly not only wants but needs, respect that, he's survived your kicking but don't minimise what you did to him by trying to start again.

Allow him to forget and heal.

I’m perfectly calm thank you. Although some other posters could do with a cup of tea, or a large gin !! I provided three links - one of which was provided for context and which seems to have been the only one quoted on because it challenges the narrative on the link between suicide and menopause, and so agrees with the narrative on here.

One of the other links is to a September 2022 article which gives a summary of research into suicide rates in the menopause transition and as a result of the effects of hormone therapy, and the other was a link to a summary of a study on the incidence of mental health problems, including schizophrenia, during menopause. Both were ignored in favour of having a go at me and insinuating I hadn’t read them.

I think I’d rather live with dogs than a much older man who I’d end up having to look after. Especially if he was late 40s when the baby was born - he’d be in his 60s when our baby was a teen. Probably set in his ways and with all the attitudes of a member of an older generation. Dogs are great company, never complain about dinner being late and are always delighted to see me.

A mid life crisis is not the menopause though is it ?

I didn't see either of your other posts. I only saw the last one, and was confused by why you seemed to be arguing against everything it said, given that you posted it yourself.

It doesn't do women any favours at all to suggest that we do uncontrollably awful things and become completely irrational thanks to our hormones. Might as well go around saying "are you on the rag?" every time a woman gets angry about something, or deciding against employing women because they aren't rational beings in control of our own behaviour.

It is interesting that we have fought against not being taken seriously as human beings because we were supposedly driven by our hormones (lack of rationality erc.) and now use them as an excuse for our actions and shitty behaviour..

challenges the narrative on the link between suicide and menopause, and so agrees with the narrative on here.

I was lucky when I had my DC I got the high after birth but no baby blues or pnd - but I did get everyman and his dog trying to diagnose me with it.

I was taken a back when the questionnaire - I was repeatedly made to answer and then questioned about my answers - feature on a BBC program about GP and if better options could be suggested like walking clubs for dietetics cold water swimming for depression etc - turn out the questionnaire had been developed and disrupted by pharmacology companies.

I had horrific periods between 11 and pfb - and I understand how upsetting it can be to be constantly dismissed by GP and issues minimised by other women but I'm still concerned at the linking of menopause and suicide and the increasing number of assertions that vast bulk of women have horrific experiences of menopause.

I'm right at the starting age and I don't want or need any more discrimination in the workplace or from authorities because of my age and sex or assumptions made based on erroneous data. Doesn't mean I don't want better medical support for menopause or people to stop talking about it or that I'm not concerned about women rights erosion,

I just don't see how anyone on her one even the OP herself can separate her menopause experiences - which do sound really bad - from other factors in her life or why it's helpful to focus on this rather than suggesting OP would be better spending time and energy on herself now and moving forward.

BigGreenOlives had a point about dogs though - if I did ever separate from DH I suspect I'd go for dogs not another spouse.

Well quite, @Prokupatuscrakedatus

If I took the OP, and all of the many posts excusing her, at face value, I would be very wary of employing any woman between the ages of 30 and 50, since apparently we are liable to go literally, properly insane at any point and lose all control of our own behaviour.

I also find it bizarre that people who think the OP should not ascribe her behaviour to 'menopause' are accused of being 'witch hunters'. It seems pretty obvious to me that those who burned women as witches were exactly the people who thought that middle-aged women were irrational, insane, violent, and sexually incontinent.

I think we deserve a bit more than that.

Every single one of your 'gotcha' moments are fails 😂😂

Lol. I suppose there are some 'wokers' who believe it can happen.
No. My wife has DD.

How are you coming to the conclusion in your head that women are liable to go properly insane to the point that you would be wary of employing any woman?

Why can you not just consider the actual facts, which is that for some women there can be extreme changes? Not all women, not even most women, but some women.

Just like some women could develop post partum psychosis. We know it is something that can happen, but that doesn't mean that it's going to happen to everyone, or to a large majority or that employers need to worry every time a female employee becomes pregnant, the likelihood is that each individual woman will NOT develop it.

Yeah. Its called hipocrysy.
But it is 'their' truth.

Moser85 · Today 16:04
Why can you not just consider the actual facts, which is that for some women there can be extreme changes? Not all women, not even most women, but some women.

@Bamboux is pointing out that, given the information provided by women, that a business would be prudent take such a possibility into account when hirings. A single member of staff stealing £200K from a business is enough to ruin a business and make eveyone in that business unemployed. The business owner likely has his family hole on the line underwriting debts to a factor, or a bank, and the women who steal from their employers rarelky if ever receive any kind of consequences for their actions. They get a pat of the head, and they get to say sorry. Granted, if the employer let them have access to the accounts or the checkbook in the first place, its their fault, but we see these stories all the time. And the consensus on this thread (as @Bamboux pointed out) is that its understandable.... because menopause.

Now that its trendy, the 'but menopause' excuse is going to get rolled out to cover everything, and we'll liklet see a whole movement to normalise bad behaviour.

All @Bamboux was saying is that it would be prudent to avoid such conflicts from occurring than be the person whos life were destroyed as a consequence.

That's easy to say, but many people who find they dont have kids and don't gather a family around them are seriously unhappy with the choices they made. Once you decide you are not having kids there is no going back from that in your 40's. Its a very lonely existence for many people. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Why on earth would someone jump to the conclusion that a menopausal woman could steal 200k?
A gambler would be more likely to steal than a menopausal woman, and gamblers are more likely to be men.
Any employee can be a risk.....even the most statistically safe employee could end up having a psychotic break. But most businesses will never suffer a large theft even if they hire a wide variety of people who fit into a wide variety of categories.

No employer should be thinking that menopausal women are a huge risk, because they're not. Just like they shouldn't assume men could be gamblers etc.
No one is saying that all women are likely to experience extreme changes due to menopause, but that some can.

Why on earth would someone jump to the conclusion that a menopausal woman could steal 200k?

Why on earth would someone jump to the conclusion that a menopausal woman is more likely to have an affair ?

In fact I'd go as far to say that during the menopause you are more likely NOT to have an affair.

This is heartbreaking. Talking as an adult dc who also witnessed an affair I would say either broach the offer of couples counselling and explain we wouldn’t be going back we’d be trying to see if we can move forward to a new life and if this isn’t a possibility maybe counselling for yourself to come to terms with everything and how to move on.

Wishing you all the best though.

Who is concluding that menopause will lead to an affair?

Yes you're absolutely right, menopausal women will be less likely to have an affair.

Do you not understand the difference between MORE likely/LESS likely?

Do you not understand the difference between a CHANCE of extreme changes, versus a GUARANTEE of extreme changes?

It is not that difficult. Use your brain.

Logical Fallacy 😂

@WidthofaLine
Oh no we have another one with the failed 'gotcha' moments😂