The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

You’ve accepted full responsibility which is healthy, not sure about blaming ‘the menopause’ for everything - you decided to betray your husband behind his back rather than end the relationship which must have destroyed him and it’s entirely understandable that he is not interested in going back. Not sure there’s much value in wallowing in regret at this stage, try to move on and find a new type of happiness, leave your ex to his new life.

Just to add op. If your ex is not interested in reconciliation is spending time together as a family worthwhile? Inwouod have thought given you are separated and your children are adults that your time with your children would be mainly separate, with only the rare whole family event for special occasions.

Then respect his wishes and find a way to move forward with your life. He has told you there is no going back. I don’t blame him.

No judgement from me. I feel sad for you. Out of interest, if the roles had been reversed do you think you would have been able to get over an affair?
I would try and move forward making a life for yourself. In the end it may prove to open up new options for you and you will accept things and why they happened

I can believe it. I'm 50, and my hormones have gone insane. I can't get enough sex. That's fine, because I'm single, and there's a whole Internet full of men wanting to fuck, but what if I'd been in a relationship of a couple of decades, where children and life had meant things had settled down to a level that didn't work for me with changing hormones? I don't know that I would have behaved perfectly.

I think unless you’ve been through the menopause you need to hold your counsel on this one. Some of you have got a shock coming your way.

My mum turned into a Gorgon when menopause hit so I do understand. This previously mild, level, hippie-dippie lady who presses flowers and wears 7 crochet shawls at once and never ever raises her voice suddenly turned into an absolute nightmare. I think people underestimate what it can do to your mind as well as your body. For some it's truly brutal.

Obviously none of that excuses cheating, but you do have my very sincere sympathy. It must have been hard after HRT to sort of have that clarity on how you'd been. My mum said it was like being hungover and looking back on your awful behaviour from a very drunken night out. Very sad for your family, I hope you can find peace in yourself.

I know from experience that menopause can be a wicked bastard. But I am not sure if it is useful to blame it for this affair. Figuring out a way forwards is the best thing you can do.

@booboo82 So your using menopause as the excuse for having an affair? Bloody hell 😳 I mean come on really ?

I bought a new car and a puppy and blamed both on menopause and got away with it so maybe it was worth a shot for OP

This.

What a sad, cautionary tale

So can I man say “hormones” as an excuse for an affair? He just really wanted loads of sex all the time so 🤷‍♀️

Having an affair takes lots of micro betrayals over days, weeks, months and sometimes years. You can stop at any time. That first inappropriately flirty conversation. That first elicit text. You can be on your way to meet them privately for the first time & decide to turn back. You can have that first kiss and realise it’s wrong and take it no further.

A full blow affair requires a thousand betrays over and over and over again. Hormones can make you crazy but they aren’t responsible for an affair. They aren’t. You can’t just say, my hormones made me really really horny so I HAD to have an affair. No.

Unfortunately you have asked the question and he said no. You now have to respect that. If the roles were reversed and this was a man posting about how he had a mid life crisis affair and had already asked about reconciliation and been told no, I very much doubt there would be any advice for him to keep begging! He would be told to respect his wife’s decision and move on. That’s what you need to do now. You can stay friends but your romantic relationship is over. You must have had cracks in your marriage and are now seeing things through rose tinted glasses.

This is so sad. My mother said she was a complete lunatic during the menopause. I don't remember it but she said it was horrendous and until she took HRT thought she was losing her mind. She became a completely different person so while not excusing it I do understand.
I would probably give him time to settle, maybe miss and you an take a trip down there and ask again. If its another firm no then I think you have no choice but to move on. You are still young enough to.

I wouldn't beg though, as, deeply unattractive. Make the best of your life and yourself in the meantime

Don't beg. No one should be doing that. You've said your piece and he doesn't want to try again - respect his decision and keep your dignity.

But don't write off the rest of your life. There's never just one person you can love and it would be a shame, having made this mistake, to make another one by closing yourself off to opportunity.

And people always want what they don't have and there's a tendency to remember through rose tinted glasses. Make the best of your life now and stop with all this family activity, it isn't going to help you. Save family gatherings for the weddings etc of your children.

I guess I have got this off my chest. Thanks for the responses, some understanding and some not so. I know that I am 100% to blame. A word of warning though, and this is not me making excuses. For quite some time I was not me and I changed. The menopause may treat you well, but for me it changed my thoughts, my behaviour, my very being. Again this is not an excuse, however this is not the me that I recognise.

Agree entirely. For everyone sakes you need to move on with your life.

You made your bed now you can lie in it 🤷🏻‍♀️… there’s also millions of women who don’t have affairs due to the menopause.

I'm actually going to go against the grain here and say that OP shouldn't beg for her husband back. He deserves better.

Time and time again we see on here that men have cheated on their wives, totally shattered them and run off with affair partner, only to realise the grass isn't greener and try and worm their way back home claiming depression, or a sad life event, or the wife not giving them attention is to blame. The same applies here.

If a man had depression and went off shagging behind his wife's back, should she take him back because he wasn't feeling himself? No. You chose your affair partner over your husband. You chose him every time you walked out your door and snuck off to meet him, every hidden text message, every lie, that was you not choosing your husband. We're not talking about a spontaneous one-night stand here. We're talking a calculated creation of another romantic relationship.

You really have made your bed. You asked for him back and he said no. Life would never be the same if you were to reconcile because he can't and shouldn't trust you. You deceiving in your actions and actively chose to throw away your 25 year relationship for another person. It just so happens that life with the other person wasn't what you imagined - it very rarely is.

Your husband isn't a consolidation prize. Have more respect for him than that

I’m sorry but I think those sayings to ask xh again for a reconciliation have clearly never had their heart absolutely smashed into a million pieces.

my miss my xh every day and it’s been 7 years. However if he knocked on my door today and said I want you back I’m sorry etc. I could NOT go back to him even with exceptional circumstances.

my xh was the one soul on this planet I felt I could trust adore and lean into and be caught from anything. I loved him unconditionally and above anyone else.

once someone has done that to you, though you may still love them, the very thread of your relationship has been completely destroyed. A couple of pleads for a reconciliation do not heal that. I don’t think a lifetime of them could. At least not for me.

op it’s horrible but this is on you I’m afraid. You can’t fix this with your hindsight.

As someone in the throes of menopause thank you for this thread. This perspective should be shared.

This

I think this is just one of many things recently reminding me how un-seriously the menopause is taken by our society. It's a major seismic shift in womens' lives, and gets barely any care or treatment apart from "oh yeah you're at that age now, it's happening" and "have some HRT".

I'm not trying to absolve you of responsibility and clearly neither are you. But I do think it's a sham how women going through the menopause (or about to) are treated in this country - i.e., not supported at all.

This is a really sad story OP. I'm so sorry this has happened. I understand your pain and your understanding that your behavioural change was down to menopause. However, I think it's a pretty common trope that men go through a mid life crisis and have an affair. I don't think the majority of them get away with it though because of said crisis.

I think it was right to lay it all on the table and tell your ex husband how you really feel. I'm so sorry it didn't play out the way you had hoped :( All you can do I suppose is find a way to move on with your life and find meaning and happiness on another path. The world is your oyster now really, with no commitments and adult DC. What can you do to make the most of your circumstances?

There is never a valid excuse to cheat. Your lovely ExDH deserves better and it looks like he knows it too

This.

And just so you know, I behaved impeccably when my ex walked out for the OW, despite being pregnant and despite my father being terminally ill and dying just weeks later. I was a bloody wreck but he saw not one iota of it. There is no way that someone who treated me in that way was going to see any upset or distress on my part. All he ever saw - and all he continues to see - is me getting on with my life. I have lived a good, fruitful and happy single life now for many years. My ex continues to woman-hop, lie, cheat and generally behave badly and 2 out of 3 of his children choose to barely see him.

If the menopause was actually taken seriously and appropriate care was available, it would be known that it can legitimately "change" some people while it's happening, and have major consequences for women. Proper support would also make stuff like this less likely to happen as a result.