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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The outcome of my affair

434 replies

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 14:59

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

OP posts:
ShakinSteven · 22/02/2023 15:04

That is very sad for all of you. What do you want from your life going forward?

Justcallmebebes · 22/02/2023 15:06

That is very sad. Is there no chance of a reconciliation with your husband? On the plus side, you're still relatively young and can make a new life for yourself

Original poster
Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 15:06

To erase the last few years and have my old life back.

OP posts:
Ndd135632 · 22/02/2023 15:08

What does your XH say?

Original poster
Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 15:10

I don’t want anyone else, he was/is my life partner. I did broach the subject of reconciliation and told him how I felt and how the menopause impacted me. He held my hands and told me that too much has happened and that we can’t go back. This is one of the reasons he moved forward with moving away. We both cried during this conversation.

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 22/02/2023 15:13

Is there realistically any way back though? I mean your DH might jump at the chance but is it really right for him? It would be a stretch to put it all down to menopause, there must have been at least some part of you that wasn't happy in the marriage to have acted. How can you be sure those feelings will never return and that people wont end up being hurt all over again?

booboo82 · 22/02/2023 15:14

So your using menopause as the excuse for having an affair? Bloody hell 😳 I mean come on really ?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 22/02/2023 15:17

What a shame OP. I do feel for you…but unfortunately you have to reap what you have sown. And whilst you might have sown 25 years of happiness, the affair was a hand grenade in that.

You read it here all the time - usually the H is the unfaithful one and wants to come back when he has realised what he has lost - but by then the woman has moved on and far too much hurt has occurred to go back.

We are sold a lie - by media, movies, literature- that our LTR should always feel like the ending of a Disney movie - the reality is tough stuff happens and you have to be able to see past it if the relationship is to survive. I hope anyone teetering on the edge reads your post and thinks twice.

And for yourself - eventually you have to forgive yourself to allow yourself to move on. Yes you made a mistake but now you have the chance to improve your life, just in a different direction to what you had originally imagined.

Drizzlepeacefully · 22/02/2023 15:17

Then you must accept what he has said and move forward with your own new life rather than wasting any more time looking back . Beating yourself up hurts nobody but you.

concentrate on making your single life happy and interesting and be open minded to new relationships - I do not believe that there is only one person out there with whom you will gel

firstmummy2019 · 22/02/2023 15:18

Sounds like you lost a real classy man there. I wish anyone who is contemplating cheating on their loved one reads this thread.

Original poster
Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 15:18

I do not expect everyone to understand. I became a very different and difficult person. From a mood perspective I became very erratic and to be honest self-centred. I am now more like what I used to be.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 22/02/2023 15:18

That's really sad op 💐, and I wonder how many women realise that this is a behaviour explained by menopause.
You've explained, you can't keep apologising and you can't undo what happened. Focus on making sure you are okay.

PercyPigfangirl · 22/02/2023 15:18

I also made a similar mistake, but we hadn't been together as long. We were in our twenties, been together 3 years and I wanted a proposal and to move in together. We were extremely happy but I felt he wasn't truly commited to me. He said he wanted those things too but in time.
This led to me becoming insecure and having an affair. I left my partner for the new man, who promised everything and I was pregnant within a few months.
Turned out I was being completely love bombed by new man. The relationship became a very abusive one.

Now, many years later I have little boy and am very happy and never regret having him, and the time with his father, albeit toxic. I do however often think how young and naive I was to walk away from something so good because I thought the grass would be greener. I found out many years later my first partner was planning a proposal and was saving up for a ring. I'm happily dating someone else now, but I've never had the connection, friendship, joy and overwhelming love I had for that first relationship.

You live and learn.

Quitelikeit · 22/02/2023 15:19

Go and ask him again - you have got nothing to lose

You are not the first woman in here that’s said the same thing and you won’t be the last

dont give up on it unless you are sure that he truly has

GoingOnlySlightlyCrazy · 22/02/2023 15:20

This is so sad, and I'm not condoning what you done at all. It's good you've taken responsibility for it. I can relate in terms of menopause. I've been in conflict with myself for quite sometime about ending my marriage. We struggle slightly, mainly with stresses in life, and he is by no means horrible but I feel done. I worry that I'll regret it though, just like you've found, and that I'm not being rational, even if I think I am. Also not blaming menopause for your affair, but I can relate that it makes being rational and making the right decision somewhat harder and it can turn you into a different person. I can also understand your exH view on reconciliation too.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 22/02/2023 15:20

Sounds like you're still not taking responsibility for your own actions. It was the menopause, not some bodysnatcher possessing you and forcing you to do these things.

If I was your ex I wouldnt even consider letting you back into my life unless you at least took responsibility

Sellsellseller · 22/02/2023 15:22

Get on your knees and beg. Some people are worth begging for.

ShakespearesBlister · 22/02/2023 15:28

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 15:18

I do not expect everyone to understand. I became a very different and difficult person. From a mood perspective I became very erratic and to be honest self-centred. I am now more like what I used to be.

That doesn't really change anything for the other people concerned though. I think you need to respect your husband's wishes. It doesn't really matter if you've had a sudden epiphany since taking HRT, the past can't be erased and the people who were injured just pretend it didn't happen because it's what you want. He's told you there is no going back for him and as hard as that may be to hear I think you need to listen. You may well have both cried when you had that conversation, but the point is you were both crying for very different reasons.

Acunningruse · 22/02/2023 15:29

This happened to my best friend. She was at a low point in her life (not menopause but health related) and succumbed to the affections of an ex. Her DH was and is devastated. Unsurprisingly the ex did not stick around and my friend is now alone and misses her DH desperately. She has spoken to me at length about it and has asked him to take her back, but the key thing is how can anyone know it won't happen again? The trust has gone. I'm truly sorry for you though as I know from her experience just how wretched you must feel. Can you swear to him it will never happen again? What steps could you take (how did you meet OM? If social media, delete and block etc?) that might reassure him?

benienpartantetenrevenant · 22/02/2023 15:29

Although I feel for OP , these responses are hilarious to say the least.if this was a reverse, everyone would be advising never to go back .

There is never a valid excuse to cheat. Your lovely ExDH deserves better and it looks like he knows it too

TheFretfulPorpentine · 22/02/2023 15:30

I think you can expect the same amount of sympathy as a man blaming his affair on 'mid-life crisis'; a bit, but not much.

Quitelikeit · 22/02/2023 15:31

Well the fact that they were together 30 years and this was a blip means that the relationship had strong foundations.

And I believe op when she says the menopause sent her potty. It can do that and much worse.

It’s not like she’s a serial cheat

Sellsellseller · 22/02/2023 15:32

I think the responses are due to the fact that the relationship spanned 30 years without any problems, so it’s clear to see this was out of character

Unbridezilla · 22/02/2023 15:33

booboo82 · 22/02/2023 15:14

So your using menopause as the excuse for having an affair? Bloody hell 😳 I mean come on really ?

For some women the menopause is totally brutal. My friend went through a very tough menopause at an early age and was actually diagnosed with manic depression (and medicated for a number of years) before a doctor suggest that it could be menopause. Hrt has her back to her old self.

So I can completely believe that the menopause can cause some women to act completely put of character.

Zippidydoda · 22/02/2023 15:33

Hi op. I’m glad to hear that you are feeling back to your old self. I’ve not gone through menopause but I have friends who are and I have seen the massive difference it has made with them in a variety of ways.

Im sorry you lost the man you truly love. I am guessing he is unlikely to change his mind if you have already had a conversation about it and he feels too much has happened.

I think you need to focus on moving forward with your ex husband and making a new normal life for yourself.

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