The outcome of my affair

[Namechange2399]

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

Well aren't you a horrible old witch. Remember this thread when you make a mistake in the future. None of us is perfect.

Well aren't you a horrible old witch. Remember this thread when you make a mistake in the future. None of us is perfect.

Ageist, insulting and a minimiser to boot.
Not nice.

No it doesn't. Sometimes people leave out lots of relevant detail when they post here. As you should know.

She did say her moods became erratic and she became very self cantered. Also that it changed her thoughts, behaviour and general wellbeing, and I would imagine she has many stories to tell about how it affected her!

@DotAndCarryOne2 no, she didn’t explicitly say this, but the OP did say she was bored with her relationship and only because she was different to her normal self due to the menopause, she chose to pursue an illicit relationship with another man rather than invest her energy into the marriage. Menopause gave her no alternative apparently.
She was able to treat her husband with contempt by having an affair yet invest her energy and feelings towards another man with no trouble at all. She implies that the menopause meant she had lost the capacity to decide between right and wrong.
She treated two men differently whilst under the influence of the same thing. She wasn’t treating her husband the same way as her AP unless the menopause also gave her incredible acting skills.
The menopause can apparently make you perceive erroneously (with the benefit of hindsight, or maybe the menopause had worn off by then?) that your marriage is boring and a new man is exciting. Non-menopausal women at this point in a similar situation sometimes also decide to pursue the excitement, but with no help from the menopause at all. Because in a long relationship no spouse can compete with the excitement of a new person and the feelings which occur at the start of a new relationship. Of course it’s flattering when somebody new takes an interest, at any age or with or without the menopause.
The menopause isn’t a reason for a poor deeply regretted choice, unless it totally removed your ability to make a rational choice in anything, it’s being used an excuse alongside “I was bored”. The affair wouldn’t have been the only thing the OP did differently. It would presumably have affected all her decisions, not just those affecting her relationships. Friends would have noticed, employers would notice. Bad decisions would have been made in all areas of OP’s life, not just her marriage.
OP met somebody else who was attracted to her and she him, and went along with it.
Post-rationalising huge mistakes in our lives, we find it excruciatingly hard to accept how badly we behaved, so we desperately need something which absolves us from personal responsibility and excuses our choices. Over simplified but in a nutshell, are we mad or bad? If we’re ‘mad’ we’re a victim, if not, then we are forced to accept we’re capable of doing awful things to those who love us. One is far easier than the other. We put a ‘mad’ murderer into a secure mental hospital, they are not responsible for their actions, but a ‘bad’ one, without the excuse of illness, goes to jail.
Many women suffer abominably from menopause symptoms but don’t have affairs as a result. Unless OP is saying she was so badly affected she was unable to rationalise her behaviour on a day to day basis, then in reality she was able to choose at every development of the new relationship, but never chose to stop.
If she had been suffering from hormonal psychosis which would obviously interfere hugely with decision making, both men would have seen it, especially her husband, who would have probably wanted health professionals to intervene. To no longer have control over our decisions we have to be very noticeably ill indeed.
She is saying she was able to treat one man with disregard and lack of interest and another with her attention and affection, all whilst under the influence of the same thing. All due to the menopause affecting her thinking and affecting the way she acted.
Menopause does affect the way you think and act, but not selectively. OP would have had calmer periods where a chance for reflection could have altered the outcome. This did not happen.

When the affair relationship ended as they almost always do, reality is a harsh mirror to see yourself in, the grass wasn’t greener in Oz and OP saw there was no place like home, all too late. Tale as old as time, menopause or not.

OP might have felt pretty rough and acted out of character, but unless all menopause symptoms stopped miraculously at the same time as she finally realised her AP wasn’t the answer, it was never the cause of or reason for the affair, either.

@Thewookiemustgo

The menopause isn’t a reason for a poor deeply regretted choice, unless it totally removed your ability to make a rational choice in anything, it’s being used an excuse alongside “I was bored”. The affair wouldn’t have been the only thing the OP did differently. It would presumably have affected all her decisions, not just those affecting her relationships. Friends would have noticed, employers would notice. Bad decisions would have been made in all areas of OP’s life, not just her marriage.

What exactly are you basing that on? Sounds like you're just making an assumption that if you make irrational decisions in one area of your life then it automatically follows that you'd have to make them in other areas, which isn't the case.

This reminds me of when a woman kills her children, and is later found to have been insane at the time, then people say "well she couldn't have been that insane or she wouldn't have been able to do x or y".

It doesn't work like that.

If OP felt like her relationship was making her unhappy she could have fixated on that as a source of her unhappiness and magnified the issues, but felt fine about other aspects of her life, another poster on the thread said she thrashed her career during menopause, she didn't say she thrashed her relationships/friendships etc too.

She was able to treat her husband with contempt by having an affair yet invest her energy and feelings towards another man with no trouble at all. She implies that the menopause meant she had lost the capacity to decide between right and wrong.

She treated two men differently whilst under the influence of the same thing.

Same kind of thing again here, why would you assume that not behaving in the same way to both men is proof that menopause didn't fundamentally change how she was feeling and behaving at the time.

That argument literally makes no sense at all.

She is saying she was able to treat one man with disregard and lack of interest and another with her attention and affection, all whilst under the influence of the same thing. All due to the menopause affecting her thinking and affecting the way she acted.
Menopause does affect the way you think and act, but not selectively.

And again....what? This argument just doesn't make any sense at all.
Plenty of people 'under the influence' of things will treat different people in different ways.
Whether that's mental health issues/hormonal issues/even alcohol/drugs etc.
And when I say plenty, I mean pretty much all.

Of course it can affect how you think and act selectively, leave the affair out of it for it a second, some women say they hated their husband during menopause, does that mean they hate everyone else? No

Very strange argument you're making that doesn't stand up to scrutiny one bit.

What exactly are you basing that on? Sounds like you're just making an
assumption that if you make irrational decisions in one area of your
life then it automatically follows that you'd have to make them in other
areas, which isn't the case.

When you are claiming it's uncontrollable, that' the very point, her ability to choose what she decided to not like or discard was an active choice, a choice very much in her hands and in her control.

Same kind of thing again here, why would you assume that not behaving in
the same way to both men is proof that menopause didn't fundamentally
change how she was feeling and behaving at the time.

So selective menopausal symtoms that varied, ebbed and flowed throughout the day depending on who she was speaking to.
Maybe if she had put a bag on her husband's head with a picture of her ap it could have helped her.
No her actions were cold, calculated and very much pre meditated, well thought out and planned, I should imagine she was clear headed enough to keep the affair secret for as long as it took for it to become established to the point she left and started a new life.

These things require planning, looking ahead, a systmatic programme of deceit to go ahead with the re birth of her new life.
There is nothing innocent about this, your claim that illness nagates this is rediculous, the lengths of time involved and the selective choices shows op was in full control of her faculties.

Your grasping of straws for excuses for affairs is also very insulting of the many women who have experienced debillitating symptoms of the menopause who never did use this as an excuse., whether they had affairs or not.

Many do have affairs but many do not use the menopause to excuse themselves.

Pathetic to blame the menopause for piss poor behaviour and expect, now the grass wasn't greener to be forgiven.

Would we excuse a man for his 'midlife crisis' affair with a nubile young female at work? Hell no!
You reap what you sow OP. No sympathy from me, totally agree with
@Thewookiemustgo

So selective menopausal symtoms that varied, ebbed and flowed throughout the day depending on who she was speaking to.

Yes I'm sure some of the symptoms ebbed and flowed throughout the day, and/or depending on who she was speaking to, which is completely normal. Really strange that you think it would make you treat every person the exact same way. Makes zero sense at all.

Your grasping of straws for excuses for affairs

I'm not grasping at straws for excuses for affairs. What OP did has no relevance to my opinion. If she said she had left her husband (but had no affair) I would also have compassion, If she said that during menopause she thrashed her career as another person said I would have compassion for her, or if she said she was an asshole to her kids and their partners and ruined those relationships I'd also have compassion, or if she turned into a nasty person and said hurtful things to a close friend and ruined the relationship I'd have compassion for her....

I just believe that the changes in menopause can have drastic effects on how people think which in turn will influence how they act, and so of course I have compassion for people in those situations.

@Moser85
I have direct experience with mental health issues and alcoholism and haven’t found this to be the norm. Not all, most definitely the norm.
The norm that I have experienced is that more than one area of life or cognitive function is usually impaired by mental health/ hormonal issues. Sufferers could not in my experience select on which day their illness/ hormonal fluctuations would be better or worse, therefore episodes would sometimes affect their working and/ or personal lives depending on where they were when they felt better or worse.
Hormonal issues in particular seem to hit in waves and cause mood swings, the sufferer has no control over when this might happen, and the level of distress or irritation caused permeates the way they interact with whoever is around them at the time. Some particular situations or particular people might be more triggering, but the overall mood was pervasive. Mood swings can impair cognitive function, impulse control and exaggerate or minimise emotional responses, but the sufferer has no control over when this might occur or what it might affect in particular. They might be more adept at managing to relate to certain people or situations better than others, but tend to be upset by out of character things done or said when suffering, once the episode/ alcoholic binge has passed or they feel calmer. An element of regret was present. Continuing and maintaining a particular behaviour consistently, despite periods of being less affected by their issues, was not the case in my experience, it was just that some people or situations were more triggering than others.
My argument is based on direct factual evidence through first hand experience, fair enough if you find that it doesn’t bear scrutiny or you find it strange, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

@Thewookiemustgo
I have plenty of direct experience with this myself.

I had a fairly serious mental health crisis of my own where my 'window of tolerance' got very very narrow lol I'm talking a pinprick sized window. It was the most 'out of control' I have ever felt in my life. I snapped at the people deserved it and had harmed me. (It was a hard period of my life where years of trauma I had bottled up hit me all at once like a bomb).
I never snapped at people I loved like my kids or close friends.

I've also had one friend who had a serious breakdown and another couple who were very bloody close, and it was generally the same kind of thing, RAGE at the people who had harmed them, sometimes they would fixate on smaller 'slights' by others, but it was certainly not a universal thing where they lash out at every single person whoever just happens to be around. My friends have always told me they find me very 'calming', when most other people pissed them off they knew they could be around me and I won't get on their nerves.

So from that perspective I can see how someone can be irritated by everything their husband does yet be ok in another mans company. A person suffering from serious mood swings etc. can be easily triggered but some people don't trigger them.

Also I lived with an addict for many years. I know all about that too.

Just to add my menopause health issues definitely did affect my work as well. Many of the panic attacks, mood swings etc happened at work. I had to take time off work but I didn’t take as much time off as I should have done and the panic attacks etc just came back. I had to move from my very pressured role into a less pressured one.

@Moser85 Im so sorry you went through so much, our experiences with personal mental health issues and close relatives with addiction sound similar. I am certainly not going to disagree with your personal experience as it is exactly that, your personal experience and not mine. Of course I can understand that some people or circumstances are more triggering than others.
However I do maintain that an affair situation which went on for a long time was a series of deliberate daily choices, during which symptoms presumably increased and waned or presented in an episodic fashion. The OP’s behaviour remained consistent, betray her husband and remain loyal to her affair partner. In my experience of mental health and addictive behaviour, when symptoms wane or abate there is a period of remorse for what happened during an episode. A realisation whilst still being in the grip of the mental health problem or addiction, that poor choices had been made. This affair was long term. Whilst I hade no doubt that OP’s mood and cognitive ability may well have been impaired, the OP was not psychotic, knew what she was doing, knew all the time that it was wrong, regardless of what she now thinks drove it, but still thought it was ok to do it. I just don’t think menopause can be entirely to blame for that. OP might have acted out of character due to the menopause, granted, her low mood might have led her to think her life was dull and tedious, granted, which might have left her vulnerable to the attention of another man, absolutely, but being menopausal doesn’t take away your ability to know right from wrong on a daily basis for months. The menopause sadly clearly didn’t help OP’s marriage or mood, but it wasn’t the cause of the affair.

I wouldn't want to underestimate the impact that menopause can have on someone's personality- but I think what is being underestimated by OP is the influence an affair can have. I'll definitely step away from mansplaining! - but add that only those that have experienced menopause can truly testify.
What I'd add is not about hormones, but that
there are countless stories - on MN - of women and men who engage in an affair and become a very different person to their partner and even their family.(eg Selfish, self.centred, narcissistic, callous, deceptive, angry, irritable, and also on cloud nine, high and full of life and energy and optimism with their AP)
The chemical rush of emotions can truly change a person's feelings - and it can take quite some time for that to die down and for reality to sink in.
The influence of hormones is similar to the influence of drugs, or alcohol - in that it can cloud or weaken judgement and lower inhibitions. Even in such states we remain culpable for wrong doing - but the greater the element of premeditation, the less the influence of hormones, brain chemicals or drugs can really be accepted.
You can hurl a heavy object off a building while drunk and claim it was a reckless drunken act, when your judgement was diminished. It is mitigating but still punished. But if you went home, selected the object, caught the bus back, went in the lift to the top flaw, checked there was no cctv and then hurled the object- the fact you were drunk will not be so mitigating.
I think what people struggle with in OPs account is that there is very little in life that is quite so premeditated as an affair (as opposed to a moment of infidelity). It takes intense planning, deception, cunning - repeatedly - just the logistics of secret liaison- not to mention the mindful deception.
I think the regret expressed by OP is absolutely genuine and heart wrencing. It sounds like the clash of fantasy with the reality of her actions has been devastating. But this is also very common in an affair journey.
The person she was is the person she still is - but no longer in the midst of affair fog. I've no doubt hormonal changes can magnify and amplify or minimise or change emotional responses - and cause mental anguish and pain. But that doesn't of itself explain leaving a partner for an affair and the unimaginable hurt it will have caused.
Affairs are often the product of internal pain, resolving childhood traumas, escape from reality and often experienced as a grasp for life. But whatever the pain an affair soothes, it usually comes, eventually, with realisation, regrets and consequences.

@seadad very well put.

The bit I don’t get is the menopause is being blamed for the way her husband got treated and how bad that relationship had become, yet she seemed able to shelve these emotions and ways of dealing with relationships with the affair partner. If you can choose to treat two men differently and switch the mood swings on and off depending on who you are with, you are not in the grip of something beyond your control. Did the affair partner get the full force of the menopause symptoms? They seem to have been reserved for her husband.

Absolutely no evidence of this in any of the OPs posts. She doesn’t provide any detail of the relationship with her husband, just that she was bored with the relationship. No evidence of arguments or bad treatment, so this is all assumption.

The menopause can apparently make you perceive erroneously (with the benefit of hindsight, or maybe the menopause had worn off by then?) that your marriage is boring and a new man is exciting.

The menopause didn’t ‘wear off’. She got treatment - clearly stated in her OP.

No evidence of arguments or bad treatment, so this is all assumption

you don't think having an affair is treating someone badly? Have you had a think about what having an affair actually involves? Aside from the cheating itself, there is huge amounts of lying involved, potentially money being used from joint finances to support the affair. People on the other side of an affair often feel like they are going mad, their spidey-senses saying one thing and then the gaslighting by the partner....it's never good treatment, is it?!

You are still making excuses though. You are still blaming it on the menopause rather than your free will, which was not taken from you. I am post menopause myself, the idea that I am free to have an affair is preposterous.

@DotAndCarryOne2 she betrayed her husband, lied to him, invested her energy into a relationship which, when he was made aware of it “devastated him” but was available and presumably loyal and a friend to her AP?
This is appalling treatment of one man, but it’s reasonable to presume she presented her best self for her AP. She eventually deserted her husband, promising a future to the AP. I think he’d know whom she was treating better and it most certainly wasn’t him.
Two men, treated consistently differently over a period of time. That is the difference I was referring to.

OP says that her moods were “erratic”. Affairs about presenting the best version of yourself to the new person, something which suffering from erratic mood swings would make very difficult without some degree of control.
Erratic moods are by definition just that, one day feeling ok and the next day, even the next hour, feeling differently. When the mood settles after an episode, sufferers usually, if they reflect, can see that what they said or did in the grip of it wasn’t ‘them’ and if they are self aware can realise their vulnerability in a lower state and guard against it, or get help and tell someone. It is a pretty much constant stream of choices to start and pursue an affair. For months. There must have been periods of clarity and reflection. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand or described as a psychotic episode where OP literally didn’t know what she was doing. If you know what you are doing is wrong, and OP did, you can choose to stop it at any point. Menopause does not erase your ability to tell right from wrong or your ability to choose not to betray people.

I’m very glad OP got treatment and feels better, menopause can be horrendous. I am genuinely sorry for all involved, it’s yet another heartbreaking story about how affairs wreck lives. I do think that OP will heal better and know herself better if she lets go of using the menopause as part of the reasons for doing what she did. It’s hard to examine what was going on with us when we do things we are less than proud of, and understanding and compassion is a better healer than censure. I am not censuring OP, just disagreeing with her reasons.

We can’t get to real change or really know ourselves unless we’re brutally honest and however, it’s the hardest part, but it’s a life changer and very healing process.

I posted on here last year. I'm a man, my wife had an affair and blamed it on her menopause, we have been together 25 years. I called bullshit originally and I acted terribly as I tried to deal with the pain, as time went on I realised in many ways she was hurting as much as me, in some ways worse. OP please PM me if I can offer any insight at all from your DHs perspective. If you haven't been there you really can't judge. Best of luck to you both.

There is absolutely no evidence that the op suffered from symtoms of the menopause, quite the opposite.

In fact I would say her husband probably suffered more of the symptoms of a menopause, lack of confidence, reduced libido, anxiety, depression and many many more symptoms which can ony be experienced when someone is subjecting you to abuse.

She has admitted though that her children were traumatised and have now 'adjusted'.

OP, I hope you and your family are all finding happiness and peace of mind. Best of luck to you all.

Actually you've had many detailed responses on why many do not believe the menopause can cause you to have an affair.
Maybe some of the affair apologists, sorry the menopausal blamers could enlighten us about how these emotions are uncontrollable in certain specific scenarios, such as hiding in the toilet texting and sexting, meeting up in random places and undressing and having sex, diverting family finances to fund the happy times, birthdays, christmases and days out with the ap.

The lies continually to the husband and children, the denials when suspected, the deleting of evidence to such precision that a 'confused' menopausal woman may find quite difficult. The effort and stamina of keeping herself in tip top condition for impromptu meet ups that make her feel desirable for herself and the ap, and of hiding that upgrading of herself to the husband.

Probably many more, we are listening.