Page 16 | The outcome of my affair

Namechange2399 · 2023-02-22T14:59:22+00:00

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight. I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person. Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility. My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement. The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 09:07

Just like if someone is having struggles with mental health and does something similar, it's in no way an excuse and is simply something you have to work on (and in fairness you did).

Mental health problems are not an ‘excuse’ they are a reason. If you had ever suffered from one, or seen, or worse still, lost a loved one because of MH issues, you would know this.

divorceornot · 26/02/2023 09:14

erm an affair is not a sex crime! Don’t be so ludicrous.

KimberleyClark · 26/02/2023 09:35

Amazing how women can't empathise and understand how hormones can make you feel like a different person.

I have been through menopause and I can empathise. . Physically a walk in the park,mentally a car crash. Awful anxiety, panic attacks, mood swings, losing my temper and screaming at my poor wonderful DH for no reason at all. And yes I did lust after a work colleague. But I would never have taken the decisions and steps progressing to a full blown affair. Never.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 26/02/2023 11:12

I have been through menopause and I can empathise. . Physically a walk in the park,mentally a car crash. Awful anxiety, panic attacks, mood swings, losing my temper and screaming at my poor wonderful DH for no reason at all. And yes I did lust after a work colleague. But I would never have taken the decisions and steps progressing to a full blown affair. Never.

This is the part that I don't get. All kinds of adverse and challenging circumstances can cause you to lose your temper, shout at somebody, slam doors, whatever - all rash spur-of-the-moment things; but you don't just fall into bed with somebody: it's something that you have to plan and take your time over, with any number of opportunities to see sense and halt what you're planning to do.

Wasn't there a (male) politician a while ago who claimed that he basically 'accidentally' went to bed with a woman who was not his wife and was expecting sympathy and understanding for this trauma in which he had had no agency?!

It's like the difference between suddenly screaming at your husband about whatever crashes into your mind at that moment, as opposed to sitting down for a few weeks in advance to carefully write and learn the script of what you're going to scream at him and when.

It would seem that men who have affairs are using their innate guile and impressive smartness in planning it all so that everything falls carefully into place as they desire, whereas the poor little women get a hormone rush and simply don't have the wherewithal or the ability to help themselves from rushing right in and obeying what their hormones order them to do.

Thewookiemustgo · 26/02/2023 17:11

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll agreed. The bit I don’t get is the menopause is being blamed for the way her husband got treated and how bad that relationship had become, yet she seemed able to shelve these emotions and ways of dealing with relationships with the affair partner. If you can choose to treat two men differently and switch the mood swings on and off depending on who you are with, you are not in the grip of something beyond your control. Did the affair partner get the full force of the menopause symptoms? They seem to have been reserved for her husband. And this is coming from someone who suffered mental health issues in the past and cared for someone with mental health issues. I have enormous empathy, which is why I find it odd that if the menopause unavoidably caused issues with one relationship, this would have manifested in the other and surely affected that negatively too.

Moser85 · 26/02/2023 17:11

TrishM80 · 26/02/2023 08:00

Men have hormones, don't they?! But I doubt it'd be accepted on here as a valid excuse for the appalling behaviour as described above!

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Yeah they have hormones. They don't however have a significant biological event such as menopause. It's not that hard to understand.

Moser85 · 26/02/2023 17:13

Changechangechanging · 26/02/2023 08:50

I believe circumstances should be taken into account for financial crimes etc whether committed by men OR women. It doesn't mean that they should get a free pass, only that circumstances should be considered.
And I believe they should NOT be taken into account for sex crimes whether committed by men OR women

How is an affair not a sex crime? I sure as hell never consented to sex where a 3rd party was involved without a condom. The realisation I needed a full sexual health screening is genuinely one of the lowest points of my life. Relationships where one partner has multiple partners withou the knowledge of those partners should be a crime, in my opinion. It is a dreadful thing to do to anyone

Because it isn't a sex crime 🤔

We were talking about crimes and legal repercussions.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/02/2023 17:28

I am so sorry op. The menopause can be absolutely brutal for your mental health (as well as physical), and I empathise. I feel a totally different person at the moment, which I am hoping HRT will sort. I don’t know if this is sortable with your ex - it sounds not, and you need to move on and focus on a new, different, single life and future. I really wish you well.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 18:35

Moser85 · 26/02/2023 17:11

Yeah they have hormones. They don't however have a significant biological event such as menopause. It's not that hard to understand.

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Lots of posts quoting male ‘mid life crisis’ and one - from a man - likening what the OP did to a bloke who goes out with his mates, gets drunk and is unfaithful. Not the same thing.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 18:38

Thewookiemustgo · 26/02/2023 17:11

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll agreed. The bit I don’t get is the menopause is being blamed for the way her husband got treated and how bad that relationship had become, yet she seemed able to shelve these emotions and ways of dealing with relationships with the affair partner. If you can choose to treat two men differently and switch the mood swings on and off depending on who you are with, you are not in the grip of something beyond your control. Did the affair partner get the full force of the menopause symptoms? They seem to have been reserved for her husband. And this is coming from someone who suffered mental health issues in the past and cared for someone with mental health issues. I have enormous empathy, which is why I find it odd that if the menopause unavoidably caused issues with one relationship, this would have manifested in the other and surely affected that negatively too.

There was nothing in any of the OP’s posts to say that there was any bad behaviour towards her DH personally aside from the affair.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 18:43

SimplySeb · 24/02/2023 10:31

Damn right! I dont think anyone of any sex should be permitted to walk free from court for most of the crimes they commit. Particularily where minors are involved. The number of men who don't go to prison for possession of images in our country is disgusting.

But the thread I was responding to was explaining why another poster suggested some may be prudent to be wary employing women of a certain age if the threads on MN were to be believed. And that is the key. If those posting their stories on MN were to be believed. They never said they did believe all the stories MNers were posting. They just pointed out the consequences of implying that menopause was an acceptable excuse for bad behaviour in society.

We would live in a much healthier society if both men and women faced real consequences for their actions. No dispensations. No walking free 'cos waht about her kids. No walking free 'cos dearest mummy died of waife just left him. No, but traumatic childhood and they have already started therapy. No, we'll let you off because you're an excelent student and we shouldn't let one little rape stifle such a promissing career.

Everyone should face the full weight of the law, evenly and equality, without favour in any way in my opinion.

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So mental health issues shouldn’t be taken into account then ? There is an allowance made in law for those deemed not guilty by reason of insanity, temporary or otherwise. Should this not be the case, and instead everyone be punished equally regardless of whether they had any control by reason of a diagnosed mental health condition ?

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 19:20

So mental health issues shouldn’t be taken into account then ? There is
an allowance made in law for those deemed not guilty by reason of
insanity, temporary or otherwise.

This is the basis for the entire argument, Wookie has just discussed how those periods of insanity could be turned on and off like a tap, reserving only the bad behaviour and abuse for the husband and the kind behaviour for the ap.

What is worse is not only is this excuse not permanent throughout the period, it is entirely controllable depending on whose company she was in.
Someone up thread talked about how someone had been known to attack their partner with a knife during one of these monopausal moments of madness, yes thats fair enough, just as someone who uses the defence of anger during a murder/manslaughter charge. Were you in the kitchen with the knife, was it self defence, was it not malice aforethought.
If you actively took the knife and went after the victim, were they just in another room, or were they across town and how pre meditated was it.

An affair if you use the analagy of the knife in comparison would be equivalent of the op, looking for the knife, choosing it specifically for the job, financially investing in it's purchase, then investing time in keeping it sharp and in exellent condition for it's use. It would then be used not to quickly stab and leave the crime scene but to insert the knife and then day by day twist the knife in further each day.
A consistant cold hearted stabbing and gouging of the victim over and over with a smile on your face, for months, years, for however long it suited you.

No this would be premeditated just like an affair, there is no way you can compare a moments madness to a well thought out plan.

You on the one hand want people to understand that menopausal symptoms can last for a long time but not admit those menopausal symptoms can be controlled at the drop of a hat depending who they are with, and quite convieniently op is expecting us to believe that those symptoms only manifested themselves with her husband.

Her husband hopefully is no fool, but you will find in life some people will try to pull the wool over your eyes, they are called con merchants.

letthemalldoone · 26/02/2023 19:29

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 19:20

So mental health issues shouldn’t be taken into account then ? There is
an allowance made in law for those deemed not guilty by reason of
insanity, temporary or otherwise.

This is the basis for the entire argument, Wookie has just discussed how those periods of insanity could be turned on and off like a tap, reserving only the bad behaviour and abuse for the husband and the kind behaviour for the ap.

What is worse is not only is this excuse not permanent throughout the period, it is entirely controllable depending on whose company she was in.
Someone up thread talked about how someone had been known to attack their partner with a knife during one of these monopausal moments of madness, yes thats fair enough, just as someone who uses the defence of anger during a murder/manslaughter charge. Were you in the kitchen with the knife, was it self defence, was it not malice aforethought.
If you actively took the knife and went after the victim, were they just in another room, or were they across town and how pre meditated was it.

An affair if you use the analagy of the knife in comparison would be equivalent of the op, looking for the knife, choosing it specifically for the job, financially investing in it's purchase, then investing time in keeping it sharp and in exellent condition for it's use. It would then be used not to quickly stab and leave the crime scene but to insert the knife and then day by day twist the knife in further each day.
A consistant cold hearted stabbing and gouging of the victim over and over with a smile on your face, for months, years, for however long it suited you.

No this would be premeditated just like an affair, there is no way you can compare a moments madness to a well thought out plan.

You on the one hand want people to understand that menopausal symptoms can last for a long time but not admit those menopausal symptoms can be controlled at the drop of a hat depending who they are with, and quite convieniently op is expecting us to believe that those symptoms only manifested themselves with her husband.

Her husband hopefully is no fool, but you will find in life some people will try to pull the wool over your eyes, they are called con merchants.

The OP hasn't actually stated how menopause affected her other than the affair though?

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 19:44

The OP hasn't actually stated how menopause affected her other than the affair though?

Yes this is her defence.
I personally don't think it's a very good defence.

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 19:45

The OP hasn't actually stated how menopause affected her other than the affair though?

And this actually weakens her argument.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 20:07

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 19:20

So mental health issues shouldn’t be taken into account then ? There is
an allowance made in law for those deemed not guilty by reason of
insanity, temporary or otherwise.

This is the basis for the entire argument, Wookie has just discussed how those periods of insanity could be turned on and off like a tap, reserving only the bad behaviour and abuse for the husband and the kind behaviour for the ap.

What is worse is not only is this excuse not permanent throughout the period, it is entirely controllable depending on whose company she was in.
Someone up thread talked about how someone had been known to attack their partner with a knife during one of these monopausal moments of madness, yes thats fair enough, just as someone who uses the defence of anger during a murder/manslaughter charge. Were you in the kitchen with the knife, was it self defence, was it not malice aforethought.
If you actively took the knife and went after the victim, were they just in another room, or were they across town and how pre meditated was it.

An affair if you use the analagy of the knife in comparison would be equivalent of the op, looking for the knife, choosing it specifically for the job, financially investing in it's purchase, then investing time in keeping it sharp and in exellent condition for it's use. It would then be used not to quickly stab and leave the crime scene but to insert the knife and then day by day twist the knife in further each day.
A consistant cold hearted stabbing and gouging of the victim over and over with a smile on your face, for months, years, for however long it suited you.

No this would be premeditated just like an affair, there is no way you can compare a moments madness to a well thought out plan.

You on the one hand want people to understand that menopausal symptoms can last for a long time but not admit those menopausal symptoms can be controlled at the drop of a hat depending who they are with, and quite convieniently op is expecting us to believe that those symptoms only manifested themselves with her husband.

Her husband hopefully is no fool, but you will find in life some people will try to pull the wool over your eyes, they are called con merchants.

I wasn’t talking about the affair - was answering a poster who was arguing for equal treatment for those committing crimes, regardless of mental health conditions, so presumably would abolish the diminished responsibility defence in all cases.

Mercyovermerit · 26/02/2023 20:12

Ohhhh this is heartbreaking. I’m sorry, OP. I hope he comes round soon.

Donnashair · 26/02/2023 20:16

Mercyovermerit · 26/02/2023 20:12

Ohhhh this is heartbreaking. I’m sorry, OP. I hope he comes round soon.

Why?

He has made his position clear. He moved away.

Why do people keep hoping the exhusband goes back, when he is clear he doesn’t want to.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 20:23

letthemalldoone · 26/02/2023 19:29

The OP hasn't actually stated how menopause affected her other than the affair though?

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Not to mention that the whole post is a diatribe based on the poster quoting half of a paragraph of my own post, taken completely out of context. I was answering someone who had posted that equal punishment should be the case for all, and asking whether diagnosed mental health conditions shouldn’t continue to be considered. Nothing whatsoever to do with the affair. At all.

letthemalldoone · 26/02/2023 20:27

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 19:45

The OP hasn't actually stated how menopause affected her other than the affair though?

And this actually weakens her argument.

TBF she said it "literally changed [her] as a person" so I'd take this to mean it affected all of her life?

As some have said, it's not an 'excuse' but it may be part of the 'reason'.

I was filled with hot, irrational anger - 0-100 in seconds for very trivial things. I wasn't able to take HRT. Got anti-anxiety meds instead. Didn't help. It eventually wore itself out. I don't even have the energy for it any more.

I do understand how badly some women are affected, and can completely believe it could have been a factor in this divorce. There was probably more to it than just menopause, but for some women, reason just goes out the window. There is no experience in a man's life that comes anywhere close. No comparison whatsoever.

I think it's very sad because here we have two people who probably do love each other and should have grown old together, but the trust is gone due to OP's actions and that is something that the whole family has to live with.

letthemalldoone · 26/02/2023 20:28

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 20:23

Not to mention that the whole post is a diatribe based on the poster quoting half of a paragraph of my own post, taken completely out of context. I was answering someone who had posted that equal punishment should be the case for all, and asking whether diagnosed mental health conditions shouldn’t continue to be considered. Nothing whatsoever to do with the affair. At all.

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If you say so.

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 20:29

I wasn’t talking about the affair - was answering a poster who was
arguing for equal treatment for those committing crimes, regardless of
mental health conditions, so presumably would abolish the diminished
responsibility defence in all cases.

No dimished responsibility is a very valid defence, but you have to proove dimished responsibility.

The meonpause does not proove diminished responsibilty, that is what we are debating.

I have every sympathy for someone going through menopause but I do not accept that it can be classed as diminished responsibilty over a long and sustained period of time.

Maybe if op had a moment's madness on a night out and had a one night stand but no not a long term affair, the disgard of the husband, the sorting of finances, the distress and trauma of the children do not signal to me diminished responsibilty, if fact she sounded, very sound of mind, capable of making decisions that would be advantageous to her and her future.

Maybe she could stop taking the HRT and this would enable her to stop being rational and make it easier for her to return to the feelings she held when she was suffering, namely that she didn't give one thought to her husband's existance.

journeyofinsanity · 26/02/2023 20:37

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 20:29

I wasn’t talking about the affair - was answering a poster who was
arguing for equal treatment for those committing crimes, regardless of
mental health conditions, so presumably would abolish the diminished
responsibility defence in all cases.

No dimished responsibility is a very valid defence, but you have to proove dimished responsibility.

The meonpause does not proove diminished responsibilty, that is what we are debating.

I have every sympathy for someone going through menopause but I do not accept that it can be classed as diminished responsibilty over a long and sustained period of time.

Maybe if op had a moment's madness on a night out and had a one night stand but no not a long term affair, the disgard of the husband, the sorting of finances, the distress and trauma of the children do not signal to me diminished responsibilty, if fact she sounded, very sound of mind, capable of making decisions that would be advantageous to her and her future.

Maybe she could stop taking the HRT and this would enable her to stop being rational and make it easier for her to return to the feelings she held when she was suffering, namely that she didn't give one thought to her husband's existance.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is a serious mental health condition affecting some women in the run up to their periods. Postpartum psychosis affects 1:500 women after birth. These are serious medical emergencies causing hallucinations, erratic and uncharacteristic behaviours, aggression and violence and are accepted by the medical and legal worlds. Research has shown that a reduction in oestrogen can trigger or aggravate mental health problems, including psychotic conditions. Research has shown that a reduction in oestrogen can trigger or aggravate mental health problems, including psychotic conditions.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 20:40

WidthofaLine · 26/02/2023 20:29

I wasn’t talking about the affair - was answering a poster who was
arguing for equal treatment for those committing crimes, regardless of
mental health conditions, so presumably would abolish the diminished
responsibility defence in all cases.

No dimished responsibility is a very valid defence, but you have to proove dimished responsibility.

The meonpause does not proove diminished responsibilty, that is what we are debating.

I have every sympathy for someone going through menopause but I do not accept that it can be classed as diminished responsibilty over a long and sustained period of time.

Maybe if op had a moment's madness on a night out and had a one night stand but no not a long term affair, the disgard of the husband, the sorting of finances, the distress and trauma of the children do not signal to me diminished responsibilty, if fact she sounded, very sound of mind, capable of making decisions that would be advantageous to her and her future.

Maybe she could stop taking the HRT and this would enable her to stop being rational and make it easier for her to return to the feelings she held when she was suffering, namely that she didn't give one thought to her husband's existance.

Once more - wasn’t talking about the menopause, was discussing the pros and cons of equal treatment of criminals with no special dispensation.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 26/02/2023 20:48

letthemalldoone · 26/02/2023 20:28

If you say so.

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If you read back a few pages you’ll see the conversation - answering SimplySeb.