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Original poster

The outcome of my affair

434 replies

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 14:59

Hi, I am not sure why I am posting, perhaps I just need to get my head straight.

I am now a divorced early 50’s with two adult DC. 2 years ago I had an affair and left my husband of 25 years. I thought I was bored with my life after the DC’s had left and was swept off my feet with someone new. The key context here is that on reflection I was suffering with undiagnosed effects of the menopause prior to this - it literally changed me as a person.

Post treatment (HRT amongst other things) I am mostly back to what I was before. The new relationship ended as on reflection it was never what I really wanted or needed. Without excusing my behaviour the acts, the impulses and behaviour was not the real me. However I do take full responsibility.

My DC’s though traumatised at the time have adjusted and have their own adult lives. My xDH although devastated behaved impeccably, probably to protect the DC, and we split without rancour. XDH lived locally until last month when he moved to the coast - this is something we spoke about as retirement.

The problem I have is that I still love my xDH and miss him terribly. We have continued to meet as a family and over the last 9 months or so I have realised he is the good man he always was, funny, respectful, kind etc. He even helped me financially when I split with my affair partner. I am not seeking sympathy, however I realise the menopause has screwed my life and that I have thrown away the future that I should have had. I also realise I have caused the man I love a huge amount of pain that he did not deserve.

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 01/03/2023 02:06

I haven't read all the replies OP but I can relate. I also went through a horrendous menopause and had an affair. I ended my marriage but there's no way on earth I want to get back with him. The feelings were brewing before menopause hit. It took 5 yrs to start feeling normal again. I couldn't work, I was all over the place and quite ill. I wouldn't wish any of it on my worst enemy.

My only words of advice are that it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past. What's done is done, cliche I know. Accept your life for what it is now. I wish you luck and happiness. x

LocationLocationLocomotion · 08/03/2023 18:02

Crewcut · 22/02/2023 17:49

I also think a lot of this regret is coming from reality dawning. The heady days of an affair mean caution is thrown to the wind and the future and repercussions aren’t considered. Now you have woken up in your early 50s without a loyal, loving husband who is now an EX and has moved onto live the life you think you deserve.

Unfortunately decisions have consequences. I have always been heavily affected by my hormones, suffering a few days severe depression (that made me think I was losing my mind) with my cycle until I went on the pill in my early 40s. I recently had to take opioids for severe pain due to cancer. When I was coming off these and my brain was readjusting (after 3+ yrs on them) I went through a manic stage and was restless, agitated, thrill seeking and very horny. DH got pretty worried about me and spoke to me about my behavior because I was spending way, way too much time in a social media group. I wasn’t doing anything sexual and wasn’t having an affair, but I was talking to a guy much younger than me online constantly. DH asked me to stop and to shut down the app, both of which I did as I realized it was a coping mechanism and I was hurting my husband. We refocused on our marriage and getting fit and healthy and recognized all the stress and fear we had gone through with my cancer diagnosis and treatment.

What comes to me is that we have been married 26 years and are very happily married, but in any relationship there are years and times when one or other partner isn’t getting their needs or wants met all the time, work is tedious, you are sleep deprived, the kids are demanding etc. etc. There are constant small and large sacrifices you make because you made vows to the other person and ultimately you want to stay married more than you want to focus on yourself. My husband has a job and status where he could easily have affairs and get attention if he wanted to. In fact I have had two “friends” who threw themselves at my husband and made passes at him, both times he turned them down. I think they both thought I wasn’t good enough for him.

So both partners get temptations and opportunities throughout marriage. Your DH I’m sure had plenty of times where he would rather not have spent the day working hard doing something tedious to help provide for the family.

I just can’t accept the “It was the menopause” excuse. I appreciate our hormones can do a number on us, but they don’t cause as to immediately have another man’s dick in our vagina, that takes active planning and if married, deception.

I went on HRT after I recovered from cancer and was no menopausal due to chemo. It has made me feel like I am in my 30s again and our sex life has definitely benefited. We all have times of needing to reinvent ourselves in marriage.

You realise now that when you were bored and at a crossroads as an empty nester and menopausal, having an affair was one of the many options you could have chosen.

The thing is, you are talking to an audience of women, many of whom have been in your shoes and were/are also dealing with the menopause but they didn’t burn their marriage to the ground.

I am not judging you as I haven’t lived your life but you ultimately got the huge change you were looking for - the end of a long marriage.

Its time to accept your new reality and move on from here. If it was the other way round, I doubt you would be willing to take your husband back.

Best comment here. Grounded and wise.

Definitelycross · 10/03/2023 23:58

Changechangechanging · 28/02/2023 08:28

No evidence of arguments or bad treatment, so this is all assumption

you don't think having an affair is treating someone badly? Have you had a think about what having an affair actually involves? Aside from the cheating itself, there is huge amounts of lying involved, potentially money being used from joint finances to support the affair. People on the other side of an affair often feel like they are going mad, their spidey-senses saying one thing and then the gaslighting by the partner....it's never good treatment, is it?!

I totally agree with this.

K8ate · 15/04/2023 19:46

Namechange2399 · 22/02/2023 15:10

I don’t want anyone else, he was/is my life partner. I did broach the subject of reconciliation and told him how I felt and how the menopause impacted me. He held my hands and told me that too much has happened and that we can’t go back. This is one of the reasons he moved forward with moving away. We both cried during this conversation.

I don’t know if this is true of your dh but a male friend of mine who had been cheated on, told me that it was impossible for him to eradicate the image of the act itself. All that went through his mind over and over again was the image of the affair partner entering his dw and hearing her intake of breath at the same time.
unfortunately, they couldn’t reconcile as he couldn’t get past those images.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 15/04/2023 19:59

I think you need to move on and accept your ex husband deserves so much better than you . Sorry no amount of hormones can be blamed on cheating that just an excuse .
I think the real issue here is you still refuse to accept responsibility I’ve r your actions and while you don’t you won’t be able to move on .

perfectcolourfound · 16/04/2023 08:58

I just came to this thread and have read most if not all of the responses.

I don't blame the op's husband for his position. In his shoes I think I'd do the same, and I hope the Op can understand that, and they can both move on.

Many of the responses on here are from people who haven't experienced or seen just how bad menopause can be. Some posters have likened it to major mental illness, which it can be. I think mine has been fairly middle-ground. It changed who I was for a while (more anxious, less humour, less patience) and there were some horrible physical impacts. In my case HRT has smoothed out the worst of it and made it manageable.

I know people who have sailed through the menopause and barely had any symptoms.

And I know just a couple who have had life-changing symptoms. One friend has thrown a grenade in to her long (previously happy) marriage, fallen out with her adult children, done all sorts of irresponsible things, and just doesn't see it. Years on, she still believes that all the changes in her life were other people's faults. The menopause changed who she is. I don't know if the 'old' her will ever come back. She certainly isn't making any efforts to get 'better' because as far as she's concerned there's nothing wrong with her.

I'm trying to point out that when the Op was in the midst of her menopause, having an affair, it's almost like it was a different person. A person who has different values, priorities, ideas of risk, feelings towards the people around her. It doesn't make the affair OK. But it explains why it happened.

I understand why her ex husband wouldn't want to go back there, and why he couldn't risk it happening again. Even if he accepted that she was in the grip of mental illness, it doesn't stop his feelings being altered forever.

But neither does it make the Op a monster. She had a MH episode that changed her personality. Thankfully she's got treatment and has her old self back. Hopefully she can move on and build a happy life.

TinyCactusInAPot · 16/04/2023 13:56

That’s a lovely and compassionate post @perfectcolourfound

notaclue2 · 16/09/2023 13:35

Stay or go?
I’m 54 and have been married for 23 years to a lovely man 12 years older than me. We get on well but our marriage has been sexless for the last 20 years; my fault, not his, as I just don’t feel any physical desire towards him. I thought that maybe I was asexual despite enjoying sex in my earlier relationships. He retired several years ago and has an active social life but over the last few years I’ve realised that we have little in common other than our DSs and home. We tend to socialise separately and with different friends and tbh I have felt like we are living parallel although harmonious lives. A combination of factors including approaching retirement, the menopause (I take HRT), my kids reaching their 20’s & the premature death of couple of my peer group have caused a lot of reflection over the last few months. Earlier this year I had a brief but intense affair with a much younger colleague which has made me realise that I am still very much a sexual being and the thought of staying in my marriage and never experiencing a physical/sexual relationship again makes me feel very depressed. My dilemma is whether to leave a long, perfectly fine but sexless marriage, causing distress to my husband and family or seize the day in a YOLO fashion and risk leaving to be by myself but with the potential of maybe meeting someone else in time.
Would appreciate any advice anyone can offer. Thanks

beenwhereyouare · 16/09/2023 13:52

@notaclue2
You will get better traffic and responses if you copy and paste this and then start your own thread. This one hasn't been posted on in several months.

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