Husband is lying I'm sure...what do I do?

[scaredofdoingitallwrong]

My husband and I have been together 17 years and have 2 children 11 and 14.

He's recently started a new job and told me he had to away for training on Friday / Saturday 2 hours away. No issues, I'm often by myself with the kids. Then Friday afternoon he called me to say he was late arriving as were some other people and he'd have to stay Saturday night too as they'd finish the training on Sunday.

This seemed a bit weird to me. He sent me a photo from where he supposedly was on Saturday. I did check and the location was right.
Then 8am on Sunday he sent me a photo of the training course. Only it was a screenshot, no metadata attached.

I looked again at the deleted photo from Saturday and it was taken 10 days previously.

When he got home on Sunday I confronted him about these photos and asked him what was going on. He seemed a bit flustered and admitted the photo was not taken on Saturday and he didn't know why he did it. He showed me his photo on his phone and one was a hotel lobby looking one where he said they'd got coffee. When I asked to look at the details the location was 30 minutes from our house in a different direction to where he said he was 2+ hours away and taken at 9:30 Saturday morning.

He had no explanation for that other than the phone was wrong and that was taken on Friday. He then got really cross and started shouting and one of the kids came in.

When I asked again to see the photo as it was eating me up he would let me touch his phone and he had deleted the metadata. Although he claims he hadn't. I told him I just wanted an explanation. He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it. So I dropped it as I'm in shock.

Our marriage has been very up and down for years, mainly due to different sex drives. It's very down at the moment, we're basically just living in the same house.

In the last 12 months or so he has started working away at weekends occasionally which I had initially joked meant he was having an affair. He's stopped even trying to initiate sex for 8 months since we had a massive argument on holiday.

He's either having an affair or going to orgies or something isn't he? I need to speak to a solicitor don't I ?

[MaggieMaze]

One of the most irritating things on the Internet is people saying "whatever that is/whoever that is/don't know what that means" and derailing threads. You're already on the Internet. Just open another tab and Google it.

[Nolosomi]

OP please ignore posters saying you are unhinged - you truly are not. There is nothing wrong with checking the meta data of images sent by someone that your gut is screaming is cheating. You did the right thing and were proved right!
I’d go & see a solicitor and start to get financial stuff sorted. Find out what benefits you may be able to get & what kind of property you can afford on your own etc.
I’ve been in a similar relationship and it’s exhausting and emotionally and mentally draining. In time your life will be so much better without him. Good luck.

[MelloYellow]

You’re not certainly neither a shit partner or parent.
I think though by writing this down and seeing how it reads it’s obvious to you this marriage is over ,you can’t live like this OP.
x

[MelloYellow]

@Nolosomi

OP please ignore posters saying you are unhinged - you truly are not. There is nothing wrong with checking the meta data of images sent by someone that your gut is screaming is cheating. You did the right thing and were proved right!
I’d go & see a solicitor and start to get financial stuff sorted. Find out what benefits you may be able to get & what kind of property you can afford on your own etc.
I’ve been in a similar relationship and it’s exhausting and emotionally and mentally draining. In time your life will be so much better without him. Good luck.

Agreed.
Id like to see how others would react if they thought their DP/DH was lying about where he was overnight- probably exactly the same as OP
Dont let your DH unreasonable behaviour make you question your own sanity ,I for one would and have acted similarly
x

[PolicyOfTruth]

I'm not sure if you've actually read all the posts made here, but I don't think a personal attack on the poster is going to be all that helpful to them.

[Riverlee]

No work training extends to an extra day. It’s all pre planned with a schedule etc.

He’s lying. You know that and I know that. What’s he lying about we don’t know, but he’s definitely covering something up.

[rexythedinosaur]

@scaredofdoingitallwrong

Well he didn't actually use those words. He just screams and shouts but he does this warning "I don't want to talk about this anymore ok I don't want to talk about this anymore " calm but angry voice first.

OP, this is not the behaviour of a healthy and well functioning adult. Screaming, shouting and threats that he is about to explode if you keep talking to him, are not normal.

You are not 'unhinged' (I think you used that word further up). It is his behaviour that is making you doubt yourself. But don't.

What you are doing, checking his photos metadata etc, it's a perfectly normal and understandable reaction given the situation and his behaviour. There is nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with him.

He probably is having an affair by the sound of it, or going to some kind of events/ parties etc.

You are not wrong and you are not crazy.

You just need to decide what to do next with this information. In your position I would be packing my bags asap.

[heldup]

I caught my husbands infidelity by going balistic. I wasn't interested in anything he had to say and chucked him out there and then. I had slightly more detail than you do but its pretty obvious he has been either having an affair or meeting up with escorts in a hotel. Gross either way. Sorry op.

Ps mine still lied and tried to minimise things even after it was obvious what he had been up to. I think a bit of them is actually ashamed of themselves when they have to confront it. It took a long time to get the whole story out.

We are still together. Its been a long road to get here and I'm still not sure I took the right path but our marriage was in the doldrums prior to his infidelity and we are much happier now. It took an awful lot of counselling and sleepless nights to get here though.

[AllOfThemWitches]

Well he sounds like someone you should spend the rest of your life with 🙄

I am always surprised when people say stuff like 'we don't have sex anymore and are basically just housemates' but are still shocked when it turns out that their partner isn't 100% committed anymore. I mean decent people would be upfront about it but we know many men are not decent people.

[Sandra1984]

He sounds like he's cheating. I wonder why he's lying to you when both of you are so unhappy in this marriage, he's definitely not having his cake and eating it too, what miserable life where you don't really get to enjoy said cake. Lying and hide your paramour/shag mate for very quick sex then come home to an angry spouse shouting at you while you tell her all sorts of nonsense. Your husband is tool.

[ArcticSkewer]

@AllOfThemWitches

Well he sounds like someone you should spend the rest of your life with 🙄

I am always surprised when people say stuff like 'we don't have sex anymore and are basically just housemates' but are still shocked when it turns out that their partner isn't 100% committed anymore. I mean decent people would be upfront about it but we know many men are not decent people.

The partner often turns a blind eye, at least subconsciously. Perhaps he pushed his luck too far this time with a 3 day weekend away.

[choiceschoicesxtwo]

Yes you checked those details because you don't trust him and there's a reason for that - he is lying. And you know he is lying.
He has gone to great lengths to show you he was at a work conference by taking photos 10 days before to prepare for this. When confronted directly he admitted part of it but sounds like he panicked because he thought he was being so clever that he would be found out.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's awful for something like this to happen. It does seem like he's cheating. These are quite typical signs. Phoned and technology shows us so much these days that it's hard for people to not get caught out!

[AllTheThingsIWantAreHere]

Even if he wasn't cheating why would you want to stay with him. The marriage sounds dead.

You can't be living with someone you see as a housemate - you have your whole life in front of you?

Can you picture being retired with him?

Splitting up is often extremely difficult but it's easier than living with someone you basically don't like.

Good luck.

[Goodread1]

Hi Op @scaredofdoingitallwrong
I think 🤔 you should be listening to your instincts a hell of a lot more,
They are there ,for a bloody good reason

Your husband attitude and reactions are likely to make anyone think he is up to mischief/no good,

Unless you are the type of person, who has past history/ dynamic tendency to be very insecure and get Jealous and create dramas out of anything,

So he is reacting to that type of thing,


I really think this is a case of just burying your head like ostrich in sand,
as you don't want to create waves/rock the boat,of family life,
When the boat is clearly already on rocks,

Rember you children will be far better off, without this sham /facade of relationship,
as children are not stupid, and can sense the tension of a emotional toxic/unstable relationship, which seeps inevitable into family life too,

You only get one life Op,
You are young enough to start over again,
be a better role model of what not to put up with in any future relationships,
When your children grow up,

[Serpensortia]

"Our marriage has been very up and down for years, mainly due to different sex drives. It's very down at the moment, we're basically just living in the same house."

Well he's found the sex somewhere else.

When you confronted him about the picture, he admitted it hadn't just been taken. You pressed him for a reason. He couldn't give you a genuine reason, because he'd have to admit he wasn't where he said he was and he was, and happy to make a fool of you in the process. He's not going to tell you out straight he's having an affair. Shutting down and threatening you that he's going to get angry tells you he knows he was caught out and can't think of lies fast enough for the questions you're asking him. You cornered the rat.

It sounds like the marriage hasn't been working, and this sounds like the catalyst that's needed to bring it to a close. Staying together for kids is a bad idea. They aren't fools, and the older they get the more clued into problems between their parents. Add fifteen or twenty years to their ages and the memories they will have will be of arguing parents that just existed around each other. In your shoes, I'd instigate the end of the marriage to show them that parents need happiness too, whether that is together or not.

[TurtleTriplets]

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time. It's clear he is lying, you asking to see the metadata isn't weird.

You are not being unfair for not trusting him when it is clear he is not trustworthy.

OP it seems very clear to me that he is cheating and regardless this marriage is making you unhappy. You would be justified in divorcing him just on those grounds.

[sandgrown]

Listen to @TheLastDreamOfTheOak . It’s sound advice OP . Get advice , copy all important documents. If you are able squirrel a bit of money away. Don’t let him know then when you are prepared have the discussion . I accepted lies for too long . It blew up in a big argument but I wasn’t prepared and he emptied our bank accounts. You deserve better x

[queenMab99]

Living like this is so destructive to your mental health, I had always been a fairly laid back, confident, stable person, but 4 years of being lied to, told I was suspicious and paranoid, probably menopausal, left me a,quivering wreck!
Make an appointment with a solicitor and start the ball rolling, once I had done that, I felt so much more positive, I was unstoppable, I turned things around, I was in control, my life with my children improved when there was just me and them, and my job was easier when I wasn't worrying what was going on behind my back.

[billy1966]

He sounds awful.

An angry liar, a cheat and abusive.

Your poor children.

Get organised and focus on your options.

Don't waste any of your energies on him.

Focus on you and getting away from him.

[whattodo22222]

@scaredofdoingitallwrong

Do I sound that unhinged? Yes I clearly don't trust him do I. It's only just writing this has made me realise how weird that makes me sound but something just didn't ring true and my instincts have been telling me something is wrong for a while now.

No OP, you don't sound unhinged. When someone close to you is lying, it can make you question your own reality. If he would just admit what's been going on then you wouldn't have to do any of these things to prove to yourself what you already know. You're not at fault here.

[AllTheThingsIWantAreHere]

If you do want to split up then this is maybe the time to try and strategise about how that can be done with the least amount of acrimony possible.

If you want to split and if he also wants to split then the biggest thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to try and have as civil split as possible.

At this point it's irrelevant if he is cheating to be honest. Proving it isn't going to make any difference.

Your relationship no longer works for either of you - it's would be a million times better if you can both deal with this together. He might be relieved when (if) you say you want to split.

Analysing what has happened and why he is a lying bastard doesn't matter and won't help the long term goal of splitting up and being happy without him

[firstmummy2019]

This is what deception, lying and gaslighting does to a person. It makes you feel like you are going crazy and do 'crazy' things to prove you are right. I've been there OP. I would say he is having an affair I'm afraid. All the signs are there. I would pull back from talking to him and just wait and see. Get your ducks in a row as people say.

[ivykaty44]

Im sorry but it sounds like the marriage is over, you're talking about seeking advice from a solicitor as you've lost trust (justifiably so). Is this the kick up the arse you need to end a failing marriage? Just living in the same house is for many not a true marriage.

If you divorce you would be free to seek your own happiness and get on with your life, change is hard but in the long run you may well be far happier

[FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall]

IMO this relationship is dead in the water. Even if he wasn't lying or cheating in some way (which seems unlikely) you no longer trust him and doubt his every word. There is no healthy or happy future here.

I'm a retired couples therapist. I have seen amazing results where both partners were fully committed to making the relationship work. Sadly I have seen many, many more cases where one or both people were just going through the motions so they could 'prove' to themselves and others that they had done all they could to avoid splitting up. Sadly it sounds like that's where you are now - therapy would be your way of convincing yourself you are right rather than an attempt to heal your marriage. Your money and efforts would be much better spent on personal therapy after a separation.

[Minfilia]

You don’t sound unhinged at all.

You sound like someone who wanted proof that their OH is having an affair, with reasonable grounds for believing that.

nobody goes to the extent of falsifying photos and mega data and lying about their location unless they have something big to hide and yes, based on your history, it does sound like an affair is likely.