Husband is lying I'm sure...what do I do?

[scaredofdoingitallwrong]

My husband and I have been together 17 years and have 2 children 11 and 14.

He's recently started a new job and told me he had to away for training on Friday / Saturday 2 hours away. No issues, I'm often by myself with the kids. Then Friday afternoon he called me to say he was late arriving as were some other people and he'd have to stay Saturday night too as they'd finish the training on Sunday.

This seemed a bit weird to me. He sent me a photo from where he supposedly was on Saturday. I did check and the location was right.
Then 8am on Sunday he sent me a photo of the training course. Only it was a screenshot, no metadata attached.

I looked again at the deleted photo from Saturday and it was taken 10 days previously.

When he got home on Sunday I confronted him about these photos and asked him what was going on. He seemed a bit flustered and admitted the photo was not taken on Saturday and he didn't know why he did it. He showed me his photo on his phone and one was a hotel lobby looking one where he said they'd got coffee. When I asked to look at the details the location was 30 minutes from our house in a different direction to where he said he was 2+ hours away and taken at 9:30 Saturday morning.

He had no explanation for that other than the phone was wrong and that was taken on Friday. He then got really cross and started shouting and one of the kids came in.

When I asked again to see the photo as it was eating me up he would let me touch his phone and he had deleted the metadata. Although he claims he hadn't. I told him I just wanted an explanation. He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it. So I dropped it as I'm in shock.

Our marriage has been very up and down for years, mainly due to different sex drives. It's very down at the moment, we're basically just living in the same house.

In the last 12 months or so he has started working away at weekends occasionally which I had initially joked meant he was having an affair. He's stopped even trying to initiate sex for 8 months since we had a massive argument on holiday.

He's either having an affair or going to orgies or something isn't he? I need to speak to a solicitor don't I ?

[MarieRoseMarie]

@RubbishAtEverything

Hi OP. He sounds very unpleasant and as others have said, it is undoubtedly his behaviour that has lead to you not trusting him and checking up on him.

Also, I cannot get past the fact that he threatened to have a 'tantrum'. A grown adult man truly said this?! What does he do when he has these tantrums?

He didn’t threaten one. OP admitted she made that up.

Op : affair or no affair, your marriage is over. Speak to a solicitor and prepare accordingly.

[bluejay5]

Yea he's lying marriage over! Call a solicitor, sell the house, sell all his clothes, sell all your clothes and sell the kids clothes then move to the Australian outback.
Or talk to him more and don't listen to a lot of the people on this thread who have no emotional or moral investment in the success of your marriage. And tell you to leave your marriage as quickly as they'd tell a bartender they didn't want the drink they'd been made.
I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people on here who enjoy the Schadenfreude from such tails of marriage woe. Often their own situations are worse than the story being told.

[GoodChat]

OP why did your mind jump straight to orgy? That's a bizarre assumption without a back story.

[WhatWouldJeevesDo]

@Barelyable

@ouch321 so using the correct term is wanky? Right 🙄

But surely metadata would only be produced from a study of the data on multiple photos?

[WhatWouldJeevesDo]

Sorry, OP. Yes. See a solicitor. He’s a liar.

[GoodChat]

@WhatWouldJeevesDo no metadata is individual to each asset, so every photo/file/document has its own unique metadata.

[CleaningOutMyCloset]

I understand that you need cold hard proof of him cheating before you leave, but honestly op you sound miserable in the relationship even without any cheating.

Take some control back, start making plans to leave and give yourself a break.

I was like you for months with my ex, I could have been in the fbi with the amount of detecting I did, but it really turned me into a mad person. I wish I'd just thrown the towel in earlier and saved myself the hassle. Bar following him or getting a PI you might never know. Especially as he knows you're onto him. (My ex was having an affair by the way)

[Rosejasmine]

Yes it looks like he’s having an affair. If he wasn’t he’d be making efforts to ease your distress and to really prove where he was and what he was doing. Instead he shouted at you which speaks volumes.
Id speak to a solicitor, if it was me I would say what I’m doing going to do and why - I’m guessing he’ll either gaslight you or confess. Sorry, you must be going through turmoil, but it’s best to get out of this relationship if your suspicions are true.

[Pyewhacket]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You keep going in about metadata (whatever that is), you’re trying to track him and you don’t trust him.

I’d say that yes he is cheating and also advise him to run a mile away from you!

I’d agree with that.

[smileladiesplease]

I certainly am not saying the marriage is over but I am certain he is lying to cover up sex with someone else. That's pretty apparent. The op was asking if she was right in her suspicions. She clearly is.

Where she goes from here is clearly up to her and more importantly how her oh now behaves going forward ie full disclosure

[Saturdaynoon]

I don't like the sound of the tantrums. I think, as you start to unpick this, you'll find a lot of things that now look like red flags.

This is a journey for you now, and it will be okay. Definitely a solicitor, tell your best friends and I'd also think about lining up a counsellor to help you.

[Dontfeedtheseagulls]

It's a nasty and stupid set of lies he has told.

You've seen through that (good detective work).

If he refuses to discuss it then you probably are best going to a solicitor and asking him to move out.

I know it's a massive shock but it sounds like this has been going on some months and that he hasn't been a good partner these last few months either.

Don't let him or thickos on here who don't understand what metsdata is make you feel bad....it's not your fault he tells lies and is choosing sex over spending time with the kids. You've not nothing wrong here.

[closingscore]

He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it.

How old is he, 4?

[ArcticSkewer]

Sounds like he was outsourcing the sex. Up to you if you accept that or not. It sounds like you turned a blind eye for a while but now have had enough. Don't feel you need concrete evidence to leave.

[PolicyOfTruth]

It's a bit odd that a workplace is running training at the weekend firstly. I've not heard of that before and if my place suggested it, I'd not be happy.

I agree that what your partner is doing sounds like cheating. It sounds like you've reason to be suspicious (no sex, he's started "working" away), so I can understand you looking at metadata and it's something I'd do too. I'd have followed it up by ringing the location and asking about the training event, but that's me. They should still have records of it happening by the way... Especially if they had to unexpectedly accommodate everyone for a second night at short notice

He's lying to you and when caught out, had no defence aside from getting angry and deleting the evidence. I'd be assuming the worst and preparing accordingly. What you did doesn't make you a bad partner in my eyes, just human.

[bonzaitree]

I have never seen such lack of knowledge on a thread.

if you don’t know what metadata is then don’t comment, go off and google it. Don’t hammer the OP over something you clearly don’t understand.

[CornishGem1975]

It does sound a little unhinged to be checking that stuff (as in, it's not normal behaviour in a relationship) but that's what liars do to you. That's not your fault. That's his actions making you that way.

He's lying, he's cheating on you in some way, don't wait around to find out.

[Fleetheart]

you sound completely sensible and he sounds like he is very manipulative and deceptive. it will be a nasty situation but it’s time to confront it and think about what you want now .

[Fleetheart]

of course it’s absolutely normal to start checking on people if they start lying. not crazy at all.

[smileladiesplease]

If he hadn't given her the clear knowledge that he lied she wouldn't be checking on him would she?

Perfectly normal reaction. Would she not check up on a suspected scam? Or fraud? Exactly the same here.

[FishandChipsarelife]

What would happen if you literally just said to him 'where were you last weekend?'

When he said the photo was a lie and he didnt know why he had done that, I cant understand why you would just accept it?

[ifonly4]

Either way, something isn't right and you've clearly lost your trust in him. It just wouldn't add up if my DH did something to me like that. He often goes away, sometimes I don't know where, but always ensures I know how to contact him 24/7 through a work number. It always adds up, especially as I often see a rail ticket or flight details, but if not there's always evidence on our credit card of a petrol top up on way back so he can claim, a receipt for something he has bought, ie at airport or wherever he's staying. Can you access his credit card accounts by the way? Then on top of that, he can claim for certain things so there's extra payments into our joint account the next month.

[piedbeauty]

He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it. So I dropped it as I'm in shock.

Does he often do this? How ... unattractive/odd/abusive.

Op, we only get one life. You're clearly not happy. It sounds as if your marriage has broken down irretrievably, and it's not good for you or the Dc to be living like this. What kind of example of a marriage are you seeing for them?

You deserve better. I'd leave.

[SeatonCarew]

YANBU at all OP.

You deserve far better than this.