Husband is lying I'm sure...what do I do?

[scaredofdoingitallwrong]

My husband and I have been together 17 years and have 2 children 11 and 14.

He's recently started a new job and told me he had to away for training on Friday / Saturday 2 hours away. No issues, I'm often by myself with the kids. Then Friday afternoon he called me to say he was late arriving as were some other people and he'd have to stay Saturday night too as they'd finish the training on Sunday.

This seemed a bit weird to me. He sent me a photo from where he supposedly was on Saturday. I did check and the location was right.
Then 8am on Sunday he sent me a photo of the training course. Only it was a screenshot, no metadata attached.

I looked again at the deleted photo from Saturday and it was taken 10 days previously.

When he got home on Sunday I confronted him about these photos and asked him what was going on. He seemed a bit flustered and admitted the photo was not taken on Saturday and he didn't know why he did it. He showed me his photo on his phone and one was a hotel lobby looking one where he said they'd got coffee. When I asked to look at the details the location was 30 minutes from our house in a different direction to where he said he was 2+ hours away and taken at 9:30 Saturday morning.

He had no explanation for that other than the phone was wrong and that was taken on Friday. He then got really cross and started shouting and one of the kids came in.

When I asked again to see the photo as it was eating me up he would let me touch his phone and he had deleted the metadata. Although he claims he hadn't. I told him I just wanted an explanation. He threatened one of his "tantrums" if I carried on talking about it. So I dropped it as I'm in shock.

Our marriage has been very up and down for years, mainly due to different sex drives. It's very down at the moment, we're basically just living in the same house.

In the last 12 months or so he has started working away at weekends occasionally which I had initially joked meant he was having an affair. He's stopped even trying to initiate sex for 8 months since we had a massive argument on holiday.

He's either having an affair or going to orgies or something isn't he? I need to speak to a solicitor don't I ?

You are not a shit parent and you don't sound unhinged

Your marriage isn't good. Its not been good for ages. He has tantrums (wtf?!)

Why keep being in a relationship which isn't good?

See a solicitor

Get the finance information copied/photographed

Tell him it's over and that you want a divorce.

Spend time making sure you and the kids are happy

Omg so many people who don't know how/are too lazy to Google "metadata".

You've done nothing wrong by looking at the info about a photo esp when your husband has just admitted to sending you a fake pic for apparently no reason.

It does sound like he was lying about the whole training thing. And his reaction also speaks volumes. The fact he tries to silence your questions with intimidating behaviour is really unhealthy on his part.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do next. You deserve better than this

People:

Metadata is nothing fancy. It's just the time/date that the photo was taken, what device it was taken with etc. Just information about the photo. The OP was right to look at this information as her husband is behaving in a very fishy way.

If you been with someone a long time you what what seems off, does not add up or when your being lied to. Things have not been good between you and your husband for a while.
He has been away at weekends with work which was not the case previously.
When you question him he refuses to answer you.
Along with this you have realised that your marriage is not good. You wanted to go to marriage counselling to work on your marriage but he refused to do this.

He has checked out of your marriage. I think at this stage it's time to consider yourself and the children going forward. You need to gather up all your and his financial information including pension details. I would make an appointment with a good divorce solicitor and get their advice. I would not move out of your house either.
When you know where you stand legally you can decide when you tell him that you want a divorce.
I think at the moment it not good for you or your mental health to stay with him. He has being lying to you and perhaps has another woman on the side. Then your kids I am sure noticing that things are not good between you and their is a tension there.
I would also get an sti check for your own health sake.

Your partner’s behaviour is a clear signal that he is up
to something. No, it’s not healthy to feel the need to check metadata in order to quell (or prove) your suspicions but sometimes that is where you end up when you are in a relationship with someone who cannot or will not be honest.

Shouting, getting angry, evasiveness, shifting stories and shutting the conversation down are all clear signals of dishonesty but if you are a very conscientious and cautious person, or used to overriding your own feelings in favour of keeping the peace/not upsetting others, you can feel a deep need for “hard proof” to justify a drastic move like separation.

But you don’t need hard proof. The way your husband acts, dismissing your concerns, shouting, changing his story is all the proof you need that you and your feelings/well-being in your relationship are not priorities for him. Likewise his refusal to attend counseling. All that is enough to know that you’re not in a healthy relationship and things will only deteriorate over time. Make your decisions based on this, not metadata.

Hi OP. He sounds very unpleasant and as others have said, it is undoubtedly his behaviour that has lead to you not trusting him and checking up on him.

Also, I cannot get past the fact that he threatened to have a 'tantrum'. A grown adult man truly said this?! What does he do when he has these tantrums?

Metadata: look at any photo on an iPhone, click the i button at the bottom, see the data for time, location etc. Not complicated!

OP, he's an arsehole. You may never know the full details but you do know he isn't someone you should want to stay married to.

I think people could guess what the OP was referencing, it's just a bit of a wanky term, unless you're Mark Zuckerberg or whatever, you'd just say 'details'...

Anyway...

Id be the same OP and checked the data etc as well.
He's definitely been having an affair or using a prostitute or something.

The fact he's getting angry when you are pushing for an answer speaks volumes.
Oh don't dare question him.....he might get angry.
Well tough fucking titty. Don't send false photos to cover your dodgy antics.
I can't believe you let it drop when he said he didn't want to talk about it! You need to find your strength and stand up to him.

Anyway I think it is stark raving obvious he is cheating. I think I'd just say now it's time for a divorce. You'll be happier in the long run.

Listen to them. You do not need to turn detective. You do not trust him, that is enough

Threatening tantrums and having dodgy pictures on his phone?
Sorry OP.
He sounds awful and you're right to be concerned. Get a solicitor.

im afraid it doesn’t sound good does it. So when he’s on these weekend training courses presumably work give him a couple of lieu days in the week? Or he gets paid a lot of overtime? That’s probably the easiest way to prove he’s not actually working. No employee would send you on a training course with no pay or time off in lieu. Ask to see his expenses where he lists his travel mileage he’s claiming too as you have to put journey details on that.

When somone starts shouting that's a big sign of being caught out and they don't know what to do other than try to intimate you and hopefully make you feel the sorry one . I'm sorry your going through this op . But I rekon he's cheating

What the hell . Advice him to run a mile away from her ? There's reasons why she is doing it . She should be the one running away from him

He’s definitely lying.

If you stay and try to get to the bottom of it or overlook it, you’ll destroy yourself. Better to pull the rug out from under him and instigate a split yourself.

It doesn’t sound great @scaredofdoingitallwrong does it? I don’t like the sound of his “tantrums” either!!
You clearly don’t trust him (and with good reason!). If I were you I’d be making sure I had all my ducks in a row and getting out for there.

FWIW - my DH works away for weeks at a time. Hotels, apartments, UK based & all over Europe. This has been the case for 11 years and never once have I questioned his location or felt the need to check his phone etc. He’s given you reason not to trust him. Trust your instincts!

You aren’t unhinged at all op, nor a shit partner or parent. He is a manipulative, deceitful twat, sending you pictures to “prove” he is somewhere he actually isn’t? And then, when he gets caught (they always get caught, these fuckers are never as clever as they think they are) his response is aggressive and threatening? Oh no pal, it doesn’t work that way!!!! I totally understand your need to know what’s going on though. I think walking away with just suspicions is hard and, after so many years, you feel you deserve the truth. Personally, I would sit him down and calmly tell him that I wanted the truth. I would be icy cold but very clear that there was absolutely no way he was going to be able to shout his way out of this, it’s not going away until he behaves like an adult, shows you the respect you deserve and tells you the truth. He will probably continue to lie, because whatever he’s been doing, he’s been justifying it to himself for a long time, but he might start with some half truths, which will give you some idea of what’s been going on. And, he will blame you for it. Whatever fuckery he’s been up to, he will absolutely say it’s your fault because of “lack of attention”, “lack of sex” or whatever other made up bullshit he’s been telling himself. So just ignore that bit! Whatever he has been doing is his choice and I’m fairly certain that his choices haven’t been in your or your dcs best interests. Time to put yourself first here op. Try to keep your cool (I know it’s hard) find out as much as you can, then plan a way forward for you and the dc. Good luck xxx

Trust your instincts, you have evidence that he's lied, sent you photos that he didn't take on the day, he wasn't where he said he was.
Don't talk yourself out of what, deep down, you know is true.
He's threatened to have a tantrum because he's been caught.
I'd go nuclear on him but that's just me.
You need to do what is right for you.
I'm really sorry that you're going through this ❤️
You're not a shit parent, he is, throwing away his family for what, a legover

Well first you're kit a shit parent or a shit wife. You are being lied to and you are at the stage where you know it, but you don't want to know it, and his denial and the fact that it being confirms will rock your world is among you question and doing yourself. That's the way it goes for most of us who have been in this situation at first.

You don't sound unhinged, you sound. Like someone who wants to see evidence before their marriage and life changes irrevocably. I get that totally.

I would say it's pretty nailed on he's lying. Of course weekend training courses don't just have another day added on because people were late. Wouldn't happen due to the logistic of it and the fact that people don't want to give up their weekends in the first place. And the photos and data and twisting he's doing g about tell you even further what you need to know.

I'm sorry op. This will be a horrible time for you whatever you decide to do. But you will come through it I promise.

Your first thought to see a solicitor was a good one. Get good advice about your finances and situation.

Forewarned is forearmed. Don't telll him you are doing this, but do it swiftly as if he has an inkling something is up he might move money around etc.

Once you know what's what, sit him down, away from the kids, and family go through the faces with him and present him with whatever options you feel are appropriate.

Look after yourself op

Oh he's definitely lying. There is absolutely no reasonable explanation for the meta data on the images to not match up or have been deleted. A photo taken 10 days earlier? He's a liar. I mean the lie about being late for the training and it being extended to Sunday is a terrible lie too, and blatant. A business would just buy a bunch of new hotel rooms on Sat night because someone was late to the training?

He's angry because he'd been caught and he's hoping you just move on to avoid the drama

I would actually let the photo/training thing go and just take some time to think about what you want your future to look like. What does happiness look like? Because I bet it doesn't include scanning metadata of images to check up on an angry bully of a husband?? Stay calm, put yourself first for once, and think about what you want. Don't tie yourself up in knots about what's he doing or why. He's not considering your needs or respecting you. Time to get selfish and plan for you and your kids future.

You deserve so much better than him. We all do.

It's not wanky; that's what it's called!

He's a proven liar and when caught in his lies he gets angry instead of apologetic. No, this isn't good.

Is he controlling or scary in other ways, OP?

If he was on a course surely he’d have documents to prove it? EVery course I’ve ever been on have emailed or given paper handouts

@ouch321 so using the correct term is wanky? Right 🙄

I'm not at all techy and I understand 'metadata' - I thought it was in reasonably common use.