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Original poster

Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

200 replies

pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 17:36

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 17:37

I also don't want to know any details about who, what, where etc

OP posts:
Lengokengo · 21/02/2023 17:41

You poor thing.

you don’t need to make an instant decision. Work out what you can deal with. It would chip away at me and I couldn’t bear it, but only you know what is best for you.

littlebirdieblu · 21/02/2023 17:41

Why would you want to stay with this man? You could leave him and be so much happier!! Please don't spend the next 25 years of your 1 life, with this man. You. Oils have an amazing life without him.

FlowerArranger · 21/02/2023 17:41

You don't share a bedroom, presumably don't have a sexual relationship anymore, and you don't want his company?

You are seriously contemplating staying in this sham marriage because you love your home - whatever that means?

Why are you confused?

BreviloquentBastard · 21/02/2023 17:42

Well he sounds a treat.

I personally know I couldn't live with this level of disrespect, but if you think you can make peace with it and just... Sort of co-parent and co-exist amicably alongside him, more power to you. I'm not strong enough for that, I'd go completely nuclear I think.

However if this is the end of your romantic relationship, how will you cope if he carries on messing around behind your back while you try and live this platonic marriage existence? Because he will, you'll be just putting up with it like your mum did. Can you do that? Without it making you miserable or wrecking your self esteem?

littlebirdieblu · 21/02/2023 17:42

'You could have' that should read

MetaDaughter · 21/02/2023 17:43

Are you certain that’s what he meant? He wasn’t just listing your parents’ apparent failings?

Either way you don’t seem to like each other, so perhaps something needs to change?

cestlavielife · 21/02/2023 17:44

Stay as house mates then.
He does as he wishes
You do as you wish.
Stop cooking for him

Justforlaffs · 21/02/2023 17:44

Why do you want to stay with him? If it’s just to keep your house is there no way you could buy him out?

Catoo · 21/02/2023 17:48

Why do you want to stay living with him OP?
Why don’t you deserve happiness on your own terms or with someone who isn’t a nasty, secretive and selfish liar?
What do you think your life would be like with you own place, friends coming round when you like, own bed in your own main bedroom, just tidying up after your own mess, or DC when they visit? Is it a house full of peace and happiness and fun?
x

Hongkongsuey · 21/02/2023 17:49

It sounds as if neither of you love each other. You don’t want to sleep with him but you don’t want him to sleep with others? Why wouldn’t he have an affair? I would if my partner felt like that about me. Well, actually, I’d separate-why stay in a loveless marriage where you have no respect for each other? You’re best splitting up-either that or put up with it in order to keep your lovely home and the status. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

TedMullins · 21/02/2023 17:50

From how you’ve described him he sounds an absolute pig even without this revelation. I can’t fathom how you’ve made it 25 years! Time to start putting yourself first like he’s been doing all along

Harryisabollock · 21/02/2023 17:52

What happens if he decides to divorce you?

Vegansausagevole · 21/02/2023 17:52

You might find your choice to continue with the status quo is taken away from you, what if he’s shagging someone else that he’d leave you for. Would you rather split up on your own terms or hang fire and take the risk he wants to split up in the future?
How would you feel if other people or your children found out would you be happy to stay?
Would you want to have the ability to have a “boyfriend” yourself?
The main thing I would want to make clear to your husband is that you know what he’s up to and you choose to stay. It’s bad enough he’s shagging someone else but him thinking he’s got one over on you and you don’t see through his bullshit lies would be way worse.

Bozzonova · 21/02/2023 17:54

What a story pinkpigletjoe! Of course you knew! How can a woman not know that her husband is cheataing on her ... I don´t envy you and also, much respect for enduring this life. I personally couln´t. I´d have a hard time to live a lie. And yes, better NOT know any details.

I´d suggest to live your life the way YOU love to do, and ghost him ... but I presume, that´s impossible. Wishing you strength to walk through this upheaval in dignity!

Trexer · 21/02/2023 17:58

I couldn't live like that.
You wouldn't see me for the dust.

I'd rather be broke, uncomfortable and single than stay with a man who expected to be waited on and gets to go off with OW when it suits him.

I hope you find the strength to start again, for your sake.

ShakespearesBlister · 21/02/2023 17:59

I'm afraid I'd choose my self respect over the nice house.

AgathaX · 21/02/2023 18:00

I'm sorry you've had this horrible shock, even if you suspected and perhaps knew deep down for years.

You don't want to separate, you want to maintain the status quo - living separate lives in the same house, no intimacy, no partner/companion. However, what if that decision is taken away from you at some point in the future? Wouldn't it be better to take the bull by the horns and build a new, happy life now?

ShakespearesBlister · 21/02/2023 18:02

By the way, you'll still have a nice house and a comfortable life when you end up entitled to half of everything in the divorce. Including his pension.

Ihatepcos · 21/02/2023 18:03

What advice do you actually want from people?

Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 18:04

Hongkongsuey · 21/02/2023 17:49

It sounds as if neither of you love each other. You don’t want to sleep with him but you don’t want him to sleep with others? Why wouldn’t he have an affair? I would if my partner felt like that about me. Well, actually, I’d separate-why stay in a loveless marriage where you have no respect for each other? You’re best splitting up-either that or put up with it in order to keep your lovely home and the status. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.

Please read before judging. He has always cheated. I know this now. I sat down and listed 3 pages of dodgy behaviour, obvious cheating texts, suspicious behaviour and so on. I've always known, and now its confirmed. The separate rooms are because of the behaviour. cart/horse situation

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 18:05

Justforlaffs · 21/02/2023 17:44

Why do you want to stay with him? If it’s just to keep your house is there no way you could buy him out?

No. I want the kids also to have a base where I see them as they've no chance of their own homes for a long time.

OP posts:
Warspite · 21/02/2023 18:07

This reply has been deleted

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Name999999 · 21/02/2023 18:08

I’m wondering OP (Ive read your posts but not RTFT with other poster’s advice) but I’m thinking your boundaries are all over the place.

Firstly you were never modelled a healthy relationship and there is shit you will put up with silly because you saw your mother put up with it.

secondly there is a big piece here about your self worth/self esteem and how that needs massively working on.

not sure if others have said but do get an STD test, then honestly get yourself in a position with some decent therapy to leave. He’s abused you long enough.

allotta · 21/02/2023 18:10

If you stay, your kids are going to be screwed in their future relationships too. Patterns passed down from generation to generation.