Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

[pinkpigletjoe]

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

I get what you’re saying about wanting your home as a base for your adult dc. But you can give them a base if you divorce him and get your own house. And it could be a happy house for them and you.

You don’t currently live in a happy house, because you share it with a shouty, bad tempered, secretive, selfish, lying, porn-soaked adulterer. All of that info is in your OP, so you said it all yourself. The two of you don’t even like each other. You’re just living together like housemates, but not harmoniously or even comfortably.

You’re in shock now that he’s pretty much admitted to the OW. Take your time when you’ve got over the shock, and think about your options going forward. There have been some good ideas in this thread.

God this is depressing! The shit women will put up with to keep a home.. fucking hell. And the man puts the woman off future relationships with his behaviour while he has fun..

I think you should just try to have a nice straightforward, amicable divorce. Neither of you sound happy.

Stay or go, your decision. You've already got a separate bedroom so I assume you have your own 'refuge' and private space. But in your place, I'd put a HUGE consideration into my ability to 'carve out' my own independent life (being able to come and go as I pleased) AND having my own financial security (meaning completely separating finances). If I could have both of those AND I had no fear of my physical safety, staying might be 'worth it' if I could 'emotionally divorce' myself from him so his infidelity didn't 'hurt my heart' and if I could tune out his temper tantrums.

But if I was going to agonize over his cheating, if I couldn't learn to let his verbal diarrhoea roll over me, if he laid hands on me, or if my financial security would be threatened or separate finances 'not allowed' I would have to leave. Also, our income was vastly different, enough that I'd be better off with a financial settlement via divorce, or if he wouldn't let me 'get away' from him (ie followed me around or barged into my private space) I'd be gone.

Why don't you think you deserve better? I could almost understand if you were 'roomates' but friends, but he's not even nice to you. Ltb and find peace and happiness on your own, and maybe even with someone else.

@Milky4 Thanks for the understanding. I think I am a bit depressed which is why I feel sad rather than angry. I want to be so angry I just fill in all the online divorce papers, but I feel a bit disconnected. I'm sure its shock.

I don't think another woman would put up with him to be honest. I don't think he'd ever change and he seems to have known tens of women over the years. No idea if he had relationships with them all, but he's no catch. He was the first man I ever loved and married and I think its why I just didn't believe what was going on.

I'm looking at all the finance and will slowly get things in place. I can't face it all immediately but its inevitable now. Of course he is acting all nice now because its balanced on a knife edge.

I told him after the revelation he can do his own cooking and washing. Just wish I could summon up some menopausal rage

This is quite a depressing read. Why can't you get a new home of your own as the kids base?

Every fourth thread or so in Relationships lately seems to be a woman who starts telling is about her lovely home, and then her awful home life.

What did you think you were turning a blind eye to all of these years, OP? I get the shock of having it confirmed, but you wouldn’t have put up with this all these years if there wasn’t a benefit to you. Are you being honest with yourself?

I’m surprised you’re so certain no one else would have him, when you put up with his dark side, and you admit he’s very charming.

A lot of women could see the nice home you have and want it for themselves, no?

what would you do if one of his girlfriends got pregnant?

It’s taken me a year, but I have only known about my H’s behaviour for just over a year. I told him I wanted a divorce between Christmas and New Year. Totally get how you feel!

@AcrossthePond55 I have my own space, my own finances and savings. I've also said the ranting stops or thats the end, and he wouldn't dare push his way into my room. I'd call the police and he knows that.

I don't think there is a current OW. I saw a text from a woman saying, she was sorry they weren't able to have a relationship, but the moment had passed, but they could still be friends. This was about a year ago.

After this there won't be another chance. I would rather live under a hedge if he even thinks about talking to me the way he's done before. and he knows it.

I will keep the peace, but get everthing ready for the coming couple of years.

@StreamingCervix Honestly, I don't care. If he wants a divorce it would do me the favour of yanking me out of my inertia.
@JizzlordTheCat Honestly I don't know why I've put up with it. He is insanely jeolous of me being with other men and accused me many times of doing what he is doing. Such a cliche. I think you think if someone is jeolous, they must have some feelings for you, but I know that is fucked up thinking.

Sadly this is quite ccommon behaviour from men. They use the fact that their father in law was a liar and a cheat to treat their wife/girlfriend the same way. Kind of like well there used to it, so why not?

Of course there's a benefit - the nice house - or she wouldn't have stayed. A lot of women stay for the lifestyle.

@pinkpigletjoe

I can absolutely sympathise with you not wanting to lose your home.

Walking away from the place you've lived in for so long and the garden you've created is not as easy as it sounds.

Make sure you talk to a solicitor all the same, and be prepared in case your H decides he is ready and willing to pack his bags and leave.

Hey, I am so sorry to read about this situation, and I don't want to worry you further but I am just concerned about your risk of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) if your husband has been cheating over the years as they can be present without symptoms for a long time and then cause serious damage. Due to this I'd advise going to a GUM clinic or speak to your GP about your concerns and they can refer you to get a sexual health screen. Hope this doesn't worry you further but just wanted to help!! Take care everyone :). When someone in a monogamous relationship cheats this can be an unfortunate reality.

Read Francesca's party by Patrica scanlon.

It might give you some inspiration or it might just give you a few hours of escapism if you enjoy reading.

Disgusting misogynist thing to say.

And irrelevant to the OP. She has her own income and doesn’t have sex with him.

This..

What you decide to do is up to you...but....please don't assume that you will always feel this way. What If he meets someone else and decides to divorce you...out of the blue. He will have most definitely got his ducks in a row, so you may well have the carpet pulled from beneath you. Start now ...get your ducks in a row....know what he has and where he has it. He likely won't be kind or generous if he isn't that way now. He won't want his lifestyle upset. Be wise. Take photographs and evidence just in case this happens or alternately you decide you have had enough or meet someone else.

I'm not even suggesting this as a way to 'take him to the cleaners' just that you get a fair division of property etc. should this happen.

Those who choose the house invariably come unstuck

Awww OP I feel so sad for you and I completely understand, I wish people wouldn’t be so judgmental. I’ve seen women say they’d leave with stories of “lost everything, living in a council house now and can’t put food on the table every night but at least I’m on my own” as if that’s a win.

if you know the lifestyle you want and that happens to be when you’re together then you need to fight for your relationship and maybe look in to therapy. obviously you have options and should explore them all but you won’t be the first woman to stay with a cheating partner. footballers are notorious for cheating but the wives aren’t know as well for leaving (wonder why)

good luck with whatever you decide to do

So being completely mugged off is better than living in a council house?

It's only being mugged off if you're not 100% clear on what's going on. If you know the deal and you accept it, that's just your choice.

I think it's a dangerous choice for many reasons but it's a choice.

This