Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

[pinkpigletjoe]

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

It’s completely your choice but you get one life. You deserve to be happy. Are you scared of change? Or bumbling along as you are suits you?

Oh and and it isn’t what I did. I had enough and we separated. I will buy my own nice house eventually. But my calmer nicer life is worth it.

This is the main thing I’m concerned about. My mum stayed to give us a ‘base’. This is misguided. It’s not a family home and your children are not fooled. Give your children a strong lead on what respect should look like, instead. Trust me, I have been a child in this situation. They know, and they will not thank you .

I’ve stayed with someone before who cheated on me, we had a disabled child so it was incredibly difficult to leave right away and so I had to stay for 3 years while he continued to cheat. Like your husband he of course pretended he wasn’t. I knew he was at the back of my mind, but to survive I just concentrated on bringing up our son.

It became very ‘normal’ for me, to be so unloved. I kept up friends and family. But it pushed people away as they could not understand why I was staying, it affected my own relationships. He kept his fitness, kept slim and was quite charismatic, I think because he had a lot of women feeding his ego. A good man over 40 is hard to find so I think women were queuing up.

I on the other hand, was spending most of my time bringing up our son, it was very difficult and demanding. I felt old, unattractive and boring. It eats you away.

It’s shocking when I think about it, the cruelty of cheating when your partner is too tired/mentally depressed to leave. Instead of leaving that partner with some dignity and just taking the blame.

I’m only just getting back to my old self now, having left. Don’t feel bad about the past years OP. Just take that step.

Have some really good counselling, OP. Get to a position where you can love yourself and stop mindlessly living your mother's life

You deserve to be happy, content, safe, secure and loved.

Give that to yourself 🥰

So, you're financially independent and would put up with this bullshit for the sake of a bigger house?! You can't force someone who has emotionally checked out years ago to recheck into a relationship with all the therapy in the world.

this

I don't agree. Presumably your DC don't know. There is no reason why they'd be damaged unless something changes and they find out. If you are ok to stay with him I'd say good luck to you.

In UK law you're entitled to 50% of your spouse's assets in a divorce...and a spouse is exempt from inheritance tax

Also if you have proof of infidelity he won't have a leg to stand on...take him to the cleaners, if the roles were reversed don't think he wouldn't do the same to you

A good lawyer will help you keep your house if that's what you want....there are lots of good family lawyers in the UK. Maybe it's time you considered your own worth in the world instead of deferring to someone who doesn't deserve your time

Exactly

If your name is on the deeds of the house potentially you can keep the property but you won't know until you speak to a solicitor.

His one redeeming feature seems to be 'he does the bins'

I can confirm that life is 100000% times better without a loser of a spouse/partner, and doing my own bins is a very small sacrifice for happiness and self-respect.

so you are ok with washing his dirty underwear mon-Fri ?
as long as he comes back with clean underwear on a Mon?
You are deluded if you think that you can carry on living in the dream house.
If you both own the house, he can leave his half to his weekend woman. If something happens to him, she will get it. You have to sell the house. Unless you plan to live there with her as well.

Why would he leave the girlfriend half his house ?

Impossible without incurring a huge tax bill

If her name is on the deeds she has a claim. In a divorce court that's a good asset. Especially if that's what she wants - she can keep the house and he can keep 50% of all his assets from the past 25 years - pretty good deal ! His girlfriend is entitled to jack shit

Yes, don't assume that divorce means you lose the home,if he has a pension or other assets maybe a deal can be done where you keep the house. Take time to think about what you want to do though, it's fair enough to stick with the status quo for now while you work things out, but his infidelity is going to eat away at you.

You're recreating your parents marriage

You say he will want a divorce, this is one thing you can control,if he Wants a divorce so badly hs can accept your terms or wait the full term until he can get one. He can move out now & leave you & dc in the house or he can give you a generous settlement for you to start again. Play hardball, get a solicitor & tell them you aren't consenting to a divorce unless your terms are met, otherwise he can wait until you have been separated 2 years or if he refuses to move out he waits 5 years. Do your detective work, get copies of everything to do with your joint finances, don't show your hand to him & stick to your guns.

or maybe being bought up youve been conitioned to mimic the same
maybe youve lived like this for so long you just accept but not knowing you could have so much better.
what does happiness look like.
is it this.
have you never honestly thought about more
could you be finanically ok and is it really your scared of a lifestyle change(totally understandable and ok) but it still.really.can be just as good.
do you no what happiness feels like???truly.
will it change things now you ACTUALLY no the truth.
you cant kid yourself anymore.everything he does.everywhere he goes.all he doesnt do iwth you?is with her,them.
what would you say to your children if they came to you and there man has been playing away.for years?how would you help them what would you say?

He doesn't want to lose his maid of all sorts, that's why he is jealous. You have a big house, you earn money. You can make a really happy but smaller home for you and your children. It's nothing to be embarrassed about these days!! My two said they had the best childhood in very similar circumstances to you. Believe me when I say you are worth more than this

H doesn't spend every weekend away, that was my father. H very rarely stays away overnight, he doesn't make the cheating obvious.

My mother died of cancer a couple of years ago, but would never talk about it. When I spoke to her years ago about my marriage she said I'd made my bed and had to lie in it. I think she was scared I wanted to live with her and she'd had enough and was enjoying her quiet life. Dad died at 49 following a heart attack. Growing up however, none of us knew what my dad was up to every weekend and there was never any arguing in our house. They weren't close though.

I've absolutely no interest in another relationship, I would just want a peaceful life. I have friends. I have family. I have an enjoyable job. I have hobbies I love. I can live without an active sex life. If I can have that and basically just coexist with him, while emotionally detached, that would be better for me, than a huge pointless upheaval. House prices here are ridiculous and I'd end up in a flat, maybe with noisy neighbours etc, so it's not a simple decision.

H doesn't have a single OW, but I think flits from woman to woman, boosting his ego. I think he did have a long term OW years ago who was a former fiancé and he would 'visit his mother' but disappear off to see the OW. She got married so is no longer in the picture.

@JennyJenny8675309 Yes, it's the 'why' that I want to know. I'm a nice, kind, loving person, and I think this is where my sadness comes from. Why get married with literally no intention of remaining faithful? Why wasn't there a commitment to me?

H is now 48 and I think he's decided he now wants a normal marriage with me, and has decided to 'settle down'. He's being nice and pleasant, especially since he slipped up with his confession he cheated. He's falling over himself to be nice to me but the foundation of the marriage was never built and it's collapsing around him. He's realising now the grass isn't always greener but it's too late for me.

I've always got on really well with his divorced brother (his wife cheated) and we have a lot in common, and I can talk to him. The joke is he is just like me and believes marriage is about the love and respect. He's horrified at Hs behaviour and is someone I can confide in totally.

If we divorced it would be 50/50 at the moment as the kids are at uni. No major savings. I've seen a solicitor and it would be a simple equal split. Looking at it dispassionately i would not be better off leaving and could end up worse off. Staying, I am already emotionally pretty detached, have my own life, money and friends, so can't see much either way. I feel less shocked today, and think for the moment I'll leave things as they are but I'll make sure financially I am able to support myself.

Been really interesting reading other people's views though, and I will keep my options open. Xxx

So you are happy op?
What if he decides he wants to settle down with one of his OW?