Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

[pinkpigletjoe]

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

A nice home" is wherever you make it !

File for divorce

Make a lovely new home

Life is far too short to be unhappy

Make a new happy life

I get you dont want an upheaval or to live in a flat; but I would ask, what role model are you setting for your kids? That it is ok to live in a marriage like this for convenience? Your mother did it, you will do it and your children should do it too if they find themselves in this situation? If that is the value you want to demonstrate to your kids, I guess you have to go ahead with your current thinking. Your kids will know; these things are always apparent (even if no one talks about it).

My DC are at uni and late teens/early twenties and are not aware their DF was like this. He had good and bad points when they were growing up.

DC don't necessarily repeat poor choices. I didn't marry someone I knew would be a serial cheat. Yes, I did put up with a lot of suspicious behaviour for years, but never really believed what would have been obvious to someone else. The DC have no idea. H didn't flaunt other women, he is incredibly secretive and only slipped up recently with text messages from another woman. DCs don't look at his text messages.

It's only now that he slipped up that I finally see the truth. It's a loveless marriage, so yes not a good example, but no one guarantees a happy marriage or a happy life as a single mother. There are millions of loveless marriages around the world, so happiness is not a given.

I'm really tired of people saying my DC have been harmed by my actions. DD has a lovely BF and DS lots of friends. This is not a cycle of deprivation and neglect, it's just a rather sad marriage. I made the choice to stay for multiple reasons, one of which was to provide a stable home life and a loving mother who has time for them, not risk an exhausted, harassed single mum working ridiculous hours to make ends meet.

I'm sad my marriage didn't work, and I won't waste my time or effort hating H. He just isn't worth it.

Then he makes the decision for me. I'd be fine for it to be taken out of my hands.

Meanwhile I'll get on with life and do the things I enjoy. H knows he's on borrowed time with me anyway. I've said never, ever again rant at me because it makes you feel better, and he's tiptoeing around me, which is unusual. He knows I'm willing to pull the plug if he upsets me again.

Bit weird him being nice if I'm honest!

Bit weird him being nice if I'm honest!

This is the point, though, OP. I wouldn't live with anyone for whom being nice was unusual enough to notice - husband or not. He's not even nice to live with generally, never mind the ongoing cheating, and you're just passively going 'oh well' and carrying on as though living with someone who can't even be nice to you is okay. Even if he hadn't cheated at all, the fact that he 'turns on' and 'shouts at' you regularly would be enough for me to leave - you're acting as though staying will guarantee a nice, calm life, but it doesn't. You're choosing to live with someone who's horrible to you.

He won't stay nice, either, will he? He knows now that you know for sure he's cheating, and you still haven't left. So he knows he doesn't have to be nice to you, because you won't leave - you say he knows you're willing to pull the plug, but you've shown the exact opposite. Stop giving this horrible man so much power.

If you'd be happy for him to divorce you I don't really understand why you won't start that process yourself.

OP - Ultimately the ball is in your court right now. It won't be for long so take this opportunity do what's right.

You deserve to be living a happy life, and your children deserve to see you standing up for yourself. You think they don't know anything, but if YOU have had an inkling, more likely than not they will be figuring things out now they are old enough to get into serious relationships of their own. The worst thing you can do is live a life of ignoring his infidelities like your mum, only to watch your child then do the same in the years to come.

Don't you think your mum thought the same about you.
Yet here you are clearly still effected by it.it went on when you were older too?
You don't sound happy. Op,sorry you just don't.
And you don't even no what better is.what if could be! You've literally been conditioned for this track your whole life.
You've accepted disrespect.
You've accepted 2nd best.so you treat yourself aS such. Just to be OK. Safe even like you didn't feel growing up.
Oh andvyesbits up yo you.
Then why start a thread. Need to talk about it.
It clearly hurts. It clearly sits wrong.
It is wrong.

"I'm sad my marriage didn't work, and I won't waste my time or effort hating H. He just isn't worth it."

@pinkpigletjoe

I think the above statement means that you have reached the 'optimum' place for a person in your situation. That place is 'indifference'. Because you aren't motivated or blinded by anger or heartbreak you'll be able to see things more clearly. Go or stay, it will be that indifference that allows you to make the right decision for you at the right time.

Right now I have two, TWO, friends that are in your same situation. One in her 50s, one in her 60s. Both have the ability to 'leave and be OK', although for both it would mean a 'downgrade' in 'lifestyle' (not talking yachts & mansions to poverty, just from 'not worrying about money' to having to watch your budget). One has reached the stage of indifference and has decided to stay for financial reasons and is at peace with her decision. The other simply can't make up her mind because she is still 'fighting' with herself and her emotions. You're already 3 steps ahead of the game.

Not judging you at all... only you know what you're prepared to put up with and at what cost be it emotionally or financially, just be ready in case his 'nice' is camouflaging his preparing things should he wish to jump in the future.

I have worked with the public and was perhaps naively shocked when I realised the amount of couples still married who really disliked/hated/tolerated each other...for what reasons they stayed I can only guess...money, companionship, religion, .....who knows. Some loathed each other and literally lived in different parts of their relatively small house and another who was awake through the day and the other through the night each claiming no insight or knowledge about the others wellbeing or activities!!! So in reality you're not there...yet.

@AcrossthePond55 Yes, I can go or I can stay. Both options have their good and bad points. I would shed no tears at all.

I'll never be sucked into the delusion of a happy relationship with H. He says he was 'immature'. How a man gets to nearly 50 and not be grown up I'll never know.

Fwiw I never knew about my dads OW until I was an adult and I didn't follow my mums example by any stretch of the imagination. I married someone I thought was the image he presented to me. I made a mistake and ignored red flags. I now simply don't care.

He seems to be the one wanting to rekindle a relationship with me, and until he made his slip of the tongue, I was prepared to be more friendly with him. Not any more. I am emotionally detached so I can look at all options calmly. My DC have no reason to do as I did, and if I ever see red flags I would at least warn them, and they would always have a home with me, which is something my mother wasn't able or willing to provide. I was very upset to hear my suspicions confirmed, it now, nope, nothing.

It's difficult to jump from a burning ship into a burning sea. So much easier if someone pushes you lol.

I think most people cheat with people they know. And often that means you know them too. And my self respect would not allow that.

Please get yourself some seriously good therapy and work on yourself. There's no hurry for the rest.

Pinkpigletjoe you do what is right for you. Good luck xx

@pinkpigletjoe

"He seems to be the one wanting to rekindle a relationship with me"

Well, YEAH, of course he is! He had it nice and comfy there before he shot his mouth off, didn't he? He had his 'home comforts' taken care of as well as his 'bits on the side'. Why would he want to give that up and have to start washing his own pants, cleaning up after himself, and cooking his own meals? Naturally he's trying to convince you that 'you're all he wants', he wants those home comforts back!

@pinkpigletjoe nearly all your responses to people's comments here seem defensive / confident justifications to stick on to your position. It doesn't really seem like you wanted to consider anyone's opinions and you have your mind made up, which is absolutely fine; but just not sure why your are asking on MN then.

this. Good luck @pinkpigletjoe!

I'm not sure why this slip annoys you. You aren't going to let this information make a difference in your marriage. No house would should make up for the loss of your self respect. That house isn't a home.

@pinkpigletjoe I know you don’t want the upheaval of moving at the moment, but you could think about living in a different area which is cheaper. You are not tied to a particular place because of schools and many people commute to their jobs or work from home some of the time. Don’t feel that you have to be stuck living in the same place or move to a grotty flat. You have choices available to you when you feel ready.

@pinkpigletjoe
it's clear you've thought very hard about this and probably over many years, or at least the underlying musing's been going on.

You seem calmly content with your decision and that it's the right one for you, certainly at this time.

The only question I'd ask is that this is a man who's used to getting his own way. If he wants emotional connection with you now and you aren't interested, is there a chance he will turn nasty?

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar

I do like your user name.

@HedgehogB I agree today with my post. I don't feel any gratitude towards my mother for what she did, not one fucking iota. She did it because she didn't want to have to go out and work, she admitted that to me recently. She did it for her benefit, not for ours.

And now she wonders why she has no grandchildren.

Thank you! :)

It’s very easy typing out leave when it’s not your life you’re turning upside down.

I would probably stay in a marriage where I had utter contempt for the man but had a comfortable life and no obligation for intimacy or any other ‘wifely’ duties, he could do as he pleased and I’d happily carry on too.

with the caveat I’d be building a rainy day fund fast. Because I might hit my tolerance level, or he might leave.

in the absence of abuse, I think many of us would choose the devil we know. A double income a roof over our heads we’ve put love and hard work into making home, a steady income, bills being met etc.

it’s not a position I’d choose, but if the situation arose I can imagine I’d tolerate it if the alternative was being on the bare bones of my arse.

Some women marry for those very reasons it seems. If they like their husband well enough and he will provide for them then they might just put up with him not being ' the one' but rather 'some one'.