Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

[pinkpigletjoe]

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

It's possible to get a legal separation whilst still deciding to stay together in the same house. It is still a valid legal separation.

You can do this as a joint application to the court or make an individual application (cost £365).

I wonder if this might be the way forward for now? It would enable you to begin to formally separate, and resolve important financial and practical issues, whilst still keeping the marriage intact and determining what you really want. Knowing you are legally separated might bring a measure of emotional relief. It's reversible, unlike divorce.
You can also set out responsibilities such as who pays for which bills and whether there is spousal maintenance - once set out and agreed by the court it can be legally enforced. It will also mean you could claim any benefit entitlements as a single person sharing a house, rather than a couple. If you do eventually decide to go ahead and divorce, having a legal separation in place will make it quicker and easier.

It's a mix as to the individual's.

Ok. So start thinking about what you want. Think about it carefully.

Think about where you are living , who you are with, what you will be eating, who you will be turning to if you had a diagnosis, how you will manage the admin, your perfect routine, your holidays.

A lot of these you won't know the answer to but allow yourself at least to imagine an amazing fulfilled life.

Now take a look at where you are. Can you get there in your current situation? Is it salvageable? What compromises will you have to make? Can you compromise, should you compromise

The answer will become clear. Meanwhile get planning.

Timing is everything. Get some good people on your team who will help you.

It's easy for people on a forum to say 'leave him' but do so on your terms and when it benefits you.

It's doubtful your mum "just put up with it". More likely she put her own feelings last in order to keep her family together - coupled with fear of leaving/being alone. Which is perfectly understandable. If you have the option of divorcing him, which it sounds like you do, then it looks like the way forwards. It's terribly sad that your mum is judged for keeping her family together, whilst her soul probably died a bit.

This sounds like my life! I'm 100% he's had an affair 3 years ago. All the signs were there but he claimed he was just messaging women online. And claimed a porn addiction. Condoms missing however that he's still not explained. I stayed. My son was going through a difficult time and was the start of covid. Hell knows why.

When considering all of your options, bear in mind what you went through with your mum and dad and think of what you want to show to your children in terms of how people should be treated in a relationship and what behaviour is not acceptable to a partner. Can they avoid history repeating itself in their relationships by you showing them your strength in leaving him?

Is he away every weekend?

@pinkpigletjoe Although you have had your suspicions, having him confirm them is your ‘D- day’.
Your emotions will change in the coming days/ weeks- no decisions have to be made now.
Digest this information and see where it takes you- and if you have one friend to confide in, then do so.

There is nothing in what you wrote that would make me stay. But only you can come to that decision.

I would be out the door like a shot if that was my life. It sounds like a completely unhealthy relationship, that as others have said, will screw your kids up if this is an example of married life. He sounds like a horrid man. What do you like about him? What do you enjoy doing together? Why are you still with him?

If my Husband cheated, that would be the end for me. The relationship and the trust is completely gone. Many women live with it (and totally understand some feel they dont have the strength/resources to leave) but I couldn’t. You only get one life, do you want it to be like this?

I’m a little confused. He said your father lived with another woman at the weekend as well. So a key fact sseems to be, does he not live in the home at the weekend?

to be honest, you don’t love him, don’t even like him, have separate rooms, it’s likely he feels the same about you. You both stay for convenience and lifestyle?

He is insanely jeolous of me being with other men and accused me many times of doing what he is doing. Such a cliche. I think you think if someone is jeolous, they must have some feelings for you, but I know that is fucked up thinking
imo/ime this is because his feelings for you are about ownership, in your mind the relationship may be a partnership of equals but in his mind, he is the boss & can do as he pleases.
Your idea of right and fair may be 50/50 but his idea of it, what feels right & natural to him will be something like 70/30. I think this is to do with having a dominant personality and unable to share power.
I'm very sorry for what you are going through🙏

Yeah that's what I was thinking.

It makes me think of that quote:

‘What If I Fall?
Oh but My Darling,
What If You Fly?’

I was fortunate in a way as the choice was made for me (my exDH left me). It was really tough for a couple of years afterwards. I now have to work harder than I ever have. But I met someone new and I’m happier than I have been in years.

Whatever you decide, know that your dc just want you to be happy.

Have you, or can you, speak to your mother about why she put with your father sleeping with other women? Maybe she has regrets or advice for you.

Sometimes people who cheat can be the most jealous people of all. To their mind, if they are at it, others must be too. Easier for them to see themselves as the same as others, rather than accept that actually, no, they are outliers of low moral standards and most people are far more decent than that.
I suppose we can put your tacit acceptance of obvious signs and reluctance to change anything, down to your childhood experience of what your mother put up with. It will seem odd to a lot that you just coast along with it all, but shows how much we can be a product of our parents.
Has your libido disappeared with menopause? I mean - 5 years! Understandable not with him, but how about someone else? Kid free, comfortable, no loyalty, might as well get out there yourself as no ties - could be what you need to give you the gumption to kick him to the curb.

Are you happy? You don't sound it. Do you want to be?

TBH it sounds like your mother has done a number on you with her role modelling. Do you have a daughter? Would you want her to spend a lifetime in a miserable marriage because that's what she saw you do?

You stated you don’t love him anymore, and that you’d be okay with him moving on, should he decide to. Considering that, you may want to look at the situation in a very detached, logical way and decide what would benefit you most, personally and financially. If the status quo suits you and splitting up officially would cause issues you’d rather not face, then just leave everything as is and reevaluate occasionally.

I think you likeness to grief is spot on. You are processing and grieving for the loss of the integrity you though your marriage had. That speaks a lot about respect, boundaries and sense of care for each other even if it's not love.

Be mindful, he doesn't seem to gain anything from staying with you as you are. Only you do - the house and garden. He could quite quickly gear up and exit strategy that leaves your worse off so try and focus your energy on getting your shit together and doing this on your terms, not his.

Good luck. You deserve better.

Maybe you should consider doing the same thing. Get a lovely new hairstyle a makeover and do exactly what your husband is doing!! Don’t be the pushover. The woman who turns a blind eye! After 5 years of no sexual contact from your husband. Get back out there and have fun!! Show your husband! What he can do. You can do better. Enjoy your life. You only get one.

The first you do tomorrow morning is call an accountant and sort out your financial situation. Separate your pension from the joint assets if possible, put as much in your name as legally possible, reassess your will. You are fooling yourself, not only will you lose your nice house anyway when he blindsides you with a divorce in a few months, you might lose your savings and your access to joint accounts. Put money aside, see what mortgage you can get for yourself. Do not hesitate. And do not let him know any of this.

Hi OP,

You are far from being alone in your dilemma, I have stayed nearly 30 years in a terrible marriage for a number of reasons that included being able to stay in a nice house.

Mumsnet tends to be very black and white about leaving bad marriages, but the situation is often much more nuanced than that. For me, swapping the misery of a horrible marriage for the misery of insecure housing, financial struggles and having part time custody of my children didn't look like much of an improvement to my life.

But my husband pushed me too far a couple of years ago, and I have been working on my exit strategy since. Our house goes on the market in a couple of weeks, and I intend to take my share of the proceeds and go. Like you I feel a big sense of inertia, and also fear, but I know, as I think you know too in your situation, that it is time.

All the best OP💐

OP
Your house is just bricks and mortar.
Your HOME will be the place that is yours- that is safe and peaceful; the place where your ex husband is not allowed to step foot into. It will be the place your children will come, and you will create happy moments with them. It will be your haven. You’ll get there

I also meant to say- you said your mum had narrower options? What is the point of having options if you’re not going to use them? That’s not judgement. What do you think your mum would have done if she had your options?

I also don't want to know any details about who, what, where etc.
**
My question for you would be WHY? Why live like this for a nice house, etc.? To each her own, I suppose, but there is much more to life than what you have with him.

It’s not a nice house if this is what goes on in it. It’s not a home. It’s a prison. Get all your ducks in order OP.