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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

200 replies

pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 17:36

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 21/02/2023 18:10

If you don't want to leave, could you call a truce? Just agree to be polite to each other but live separate lives?

Sounds difficult living with a horrible atmosphere. Do you think he won't leave either?

allotta · 21/02/2023 18:10

My parents didn't love each other and trust me, it has a big impact.

mrscumberbatch11 · 21/02/2023 18:14

I'm so sorry Op.

It sounds shit.

I can see where pp are coming from, saying you need to split.

I can also see where you are coming from.

It's been a big shock (despite the fact you always knew it deep down). Take your time, you don't need to do anything yet.

You'll be fine x

Joeylove88 · 21/02/2023 18:14

Sorry this is happening to you and clearly you have been unhappy for a long time but it's not healthy to stay in this situation just because you feel you need a base for your children to be able to see you. Your children need to see that you won't put up with being treated like this, by leaving and getting a place of your own where they can then stay with you. You are their primary role model it's not good enough to use finances or loving your home as an excuse otherwise they could end up in relationships exactly the same as yours and I'm sure that's not what you want for them?! Good luck with everything I hope you can find the strength to do what's right for you and your children.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 21/02/2023 18:16

Then he can’t really complain if you start seeing other men then can he.

Elieza · 21/02/2023 18:20

You might find out you can get more money out of him than you thought in a divorce settlement. Which you could then use to buy a nice small pad if your own. All yours.

Then you could get away from him. No offence but you can’t love him after how he’s treated you, and he certainly doesn’t love you. Sorry.

You need to find out what you could get. Perhaps it would help if you post your situation here and people could help?

ie. Married. I put in x towards a deposit. He put in Y. Married x years. Stay at home mum or working mum when kids were small etc.

You have to choose between turning a blind eye in order to keep staying in the nice house, or freeing yourself from him. Staying in the house together while nagging him to refrain from shagging around is going to be too stressful and he won’t stop as he doesn’t care about you. He probably just wants the housekeeping done by you for free.

Id be off.

Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 18:21

@BreviloquentBastard I think I'm just doing what my mother did, and her choices were much narrower than mine.
@MetaDaughter I could tell by his face he knew he'd put his foot in it. He never walks off when he's having a go, but he did this time.
@Catoo I would love that, but I know I can't afford it. I know its shallow to love your home and beautiful garden, but its more important to me than branching out on my own. I don't want another relationship. Fuck that for a game of soldiers as they say!
@Hongkongsuey I won't sleep with him any longer because of his cheating. Its not the cause, its the effect. I've always known something was going on, but buried my head in the sand. I'm just blindsided by this actual admission.
@TedMullins I sort of do put myself first and just let him get on with things. I've taught myself not to really care, which is why I'm so confused with this affirmation of all I've thought.

Not sure what I'm asking or wanting, but just wondered if this is normal to feel such shock when its finally admitted, even though you pretty much knew all the time? I know its stupid, but I think I'm my mum and just go on regardless. He's being as nice as pie at the moment.

I think deep down I wanted him to prove to me it was all silly ego boosting (even though thats shit in itself) but to say he was doing the same as my cheating father has floored me. Even if he had, I don't and never will love him, but cooperating and cohabiting would be fine. He said he will do his share of housework even!

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 18:23

@mrscumberbatch11 thank you so much. thats a lovely thing to say. I have no idea why I feel so weepy.

OP posts:
Desertbarncat · 21/02/2023 18:26

If you want to, yes, you get used to it.

DontLikeMenthols · 21/02/2023 18:27

Aren’t you just continuing the cycle and showing your kids what a fucked up marriage/relationship looks like just like your mother did to you?

do you want them to think this is normal and if they are sons; they can treat their wives/girlfriends this way because she will stay no matter what and if you have daughters; men are free to do what they want with who they want and you can’t do anything about it/have to put up with it.

Rhondaa · 21/02/2023 18:27

I'm so sorry op, I can understand why you feel so miserable.

The thing is, even if you love your house and garden it really is only a matter of time until he finds someone he wants to leave you for. So please, please assess your finances and look into taking control and ending it rather than having it done to you Flowers Wine

housemaus · 21/02/2023 18:28

I feel for you - the confirmation must be awful.

However, you've known for years. This is just the first time he's admitted it. You don't particularly like him, you're not even that upset - if you don't care enough to be angry there isn't a relationship here worth keeping.

I don't blame you - knowing for years that he is cheating would erode anyone's sense of affection - but why would you stay now, when he knows you know?

You don't like him, you know he's a cheat, he knows you know (and you're just ignoring that he doesn't even care enough any more to hide it), you don't have sex, he shouts at and turns on you... I cannot understand why you'd willingly live with someone who doesn't respect or like you. For putting the bins out and taking the car to the MOT?

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

No. They leave, get what they're entitled to in a divorce, and stop holding onto the idea that if you don't make eye contact with a problem it'll just go away.

This man is taking you for an absolute fool - imagine him telling the OW, "oh yeah she knows, but she won't dare make a fuss about it"? - and you're letting him because you've been worn down by him. Imagine him fucking other people for 10 or 20 more years while you play the home help? Don't do that to yourself.

Your happiness, self-respect and peace are worth far more than the house.

Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 18:28

@Elieza No I don't love him, but somehow despite everything, I just didn't believe he would really do this to me.

I'm really looking at options, and think its inevitable I move out in the next couple of years regardless.

I think this feels like having someone you love really sick for a long time, but the death is nevertheless a real shock.

I need to get my head around this, but I'm like all the other betrayed women l read about on here.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 21/02/2023 18:28

allotta · 21/02/2023 18:10

If you stay, your kids are going to be screwed in their future relationships too. Patterns passed down from generation to generation.

This. The OP says her father did this to her mother.

frozendaisy · 21/02/2023 18:28

No house is worth this misery.

Tessabelle74 · 21/02/2023 18:29

Do women really do this in 2023? Why would you stay and let your kids copy this behaviour for their future relationships?

Original poster
pinkpigletjoe · 21/02/2023 18:30

@housemaus you're right and I know it. I just don't know what to feel anymore.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 21/02/2023 18:31

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

Lots of people do, yes.

And it doesn’t have to be the victim position lots (but by no means all) posters on MN make out.

You know now in a way you can’t deny or hide from. This can give you the impetus to detach more. It sounds like, with the moving into separate rooms because of his behaviour, you’ve already started this process. You can forge your own life on your own terms. It doesn’t have to involve leaving the family home or divorcing him unless that looks to you like the best option for you. But once you’ve detached, you’ll be better able to make decisions that benefit you and stop yourself from doing things to your detriment that benefit him. You can pursue other relationships if you want. You can ignore the housework that services his needs and concentrate on only doing the things that are for you. Etc.

The only caveat I’d have around this is that it sounds like you argue a lot - and that can be a very destructive dynamic to be immersed in. It might lessen if you detach, as you will care less, but it might increase as you’ll be less inclined to do anything for him.

Get some counseling, work out what you really want, and go for it. It might be getting divorced, getting a new place and having your kids come to you there instead, even if it’s more crowded. Or it might be staying put and ignoring him and enjoying the material benefits of a joint house in an area you are settled in. Or just staying put for a few years until you find someone else. Or something different. Take your time. But don’t ignore the reality of what he is.

AgathaX · 21/02/2023 18:32

You don't need to rush into a decision, but you do need to give your situation some serious thought. I can't imagine he's any happier at home than you are, so really it's just down to who pulls the plug first, and when.

You could be happy in a different property, your home.

Please don't stay in the home for the children. They really won't thank you for it, and it's very poor modelling of a relationship for them too.

JustDrama · 21/02/2023 18:32

Thing is as much as you can put up with it, what if he decides he wants to spit?

Unsure33 · 21/02/2023 18:33

I think the shock is not just the cheating , but the string of lies that he has told you . If people want to live in that situation then I think it’s up to them , but at least be honest about it ! I think he has also put you off all other relationships which is a shame . Would your children really want you to put up with this ? You might be much happier on your own .

Bagsandbabies · 21/02/2023 18:33

I could live with someone in a companion type relationship but most definitely not someone who has a nasty temper, shouting and turning on you

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/02/2023 18:33

OP, I think you need to have some counselling. You’re reaction suggests you’re stuck in this position even though you really aren’t.

You can have a beautiful home somewhere else - what’s even better it could be a happy home. I also wonder about your self-esteem. How can you be prepared to put up with being treated like this by your horrible husband? You’re also modelling quite dysfunctional behaviour to your DC (just as your DM modelled to you), surely you don’t want them to see this?

OP, you’re worth so much more than this.

Hongkongsuey · 21/02/2023 18:34

I’m sorry, I realise I sounded judgmental. It must have been a big shock. You say he’s never been the husband you wanted-but you stuck with him as you’d made your life. Possibly the best time to get out was many years ago when you realised he didn’t suit you. If you want to stay-could you have an honest conversation with him where you can live as co habitants? Each having your own lives but being friendly? You don’t have to tell people. Is there any affection there at all? If so, it could possibly work. If not, however, think about separating-it’s soul destroying to live with someone you despise. And your adult children will pick up on it.

TennisWithDeborah · 21/02/2023 18:35

If he falls in love with someone, the decision to separate and sell up will be out of your hands. Take control.