Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

[pinkpigletjoe]

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

Oh OP, please think long and hard about all of this. Everything in life is so fragile you must make the most of your time on this earth.
Okay you love your home and garden, but its all dependant on your H sticking around. He could be off next week, he's not exactly a constant is he? He has no deep affection and love for you, he, and what he wants to do are the most important things in his life.
You are in a very precarious position. There are other houses, other gardens to create. Be in charge of your own destiny, be free to chart your own course.

I say all of this after witnessing someone I know who has for 30+ years allowed her husband to cheat, father dc's with other women, but allowing it by ignoring it as she didn't want to disrupt her seemingly comfortable life. Aged 60+ he divorced her out of the blue, because it suited him and his latest squeeze. Her lovely home now has to be sold etc, her life is now very difficult.

Please think of your future and the real possibility of happiness in it albeit how difficult it all seems now.

Of course they aren't doomed to this. People can make decisions differently to their parents.

Why not divorce? You won’t have to tidy up after him, cook and clean and housemaid him, you can have a smaller lovely house and a lovely dog and do your own hobbies and put your own bins out. I would not choose marriage.

I would divorce take everything I could and his pension and buy a lovely cottage and go on holidays without him.

why would you not? If you want company buy a two or three bedroom place and get a couple of lodgers that you choose !

It's not him you're upset about, it's your dad. You're happy to have a sexless relationship with him because he's not your partner he's your dad. And you never thought he (your dad) would do that to you. You thought he loved you. You can put up with it because children love their parents no matter what. You are trying to replay history and hoping that if you are a good enough girl your dad will not do what he did. But it was never your fault. It was never about you.

I think you're being very wise. In our 'mature years' we need to be financially careful, although I think I'm a bit older than you. At any rate, we don't have 20-30 working years to 'make up' for a financial loss we may suffer as a result of a divorce. We have to guard our financial 'resources' carefully.

Do you think it'd be a good idea to see a solicitor now just to see 'the lay of the land' so to speak. Things change, but it might not be a bad idea to know where you stand now as far as a divorce settlement goes. Doesn't mean you have to 'do' anything, you're just educating yourself.

Keep the house go for 100% get angry and then get a good lodger!

ps don’t worry about the children they would far rather visit you in a two bedroom place then you live with what you have - you’ve done your prison sentence - time to break free.

go for pension and the lot.

keep all your evidence texts and emails etc

If you’re thinking of divorcing him don’t leave it too long. life and ill health have a habit of happening. You do not want to end up stuck with him because he’s too ill and end up his default cater. It’s more common than you would imagine unfortunately.

So, so fucking sad. You’re clinging on to the “house and garden” …I don’t believe for a second that’s what is actually your motivation, even if you aren’t conscious of it. I think deep down you want an actually nice life, where your spouse loves and respects you. The house gives you a facade of this but it’s all bullshit.

Hear me out - if you had a life away from a horrible, seedy, lying, cheating, abusive man, the house and garden wouldn’t be as important to you. Because you’d be living your life, with peace and freedom and power.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. I really hope you are able to muster your self respect and go your own way instead of living this fake half life. What a piece of shit he is.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. So many men are shitty in my experience, every one of them I"ve dated long term have cheated on me. I'm not sure I could stay with him, maybe if we led totally separate lives.

OP, being shouted at isn’t good. Him taking his anxieties out on you like that. Not a healthy way to live and if you did separate you might be surprised at just how much you have tamped yourself down. Shrunk your emotions. Kept your spirit subdued. Put energy into managing fear.

Your joy and freedom is a high price to pay for a lovely house.

I too would want somewhere big enough for my Dc to gather, but is there no possibility of downsizing or shifting area that would make that possible?

Anyway. You are probably reeling. Live the way that suits you for now but don’t close any doors on your life.

Independence is powerful.

There maybe someone else out there who cherishes and respects you. Do you want to live like you do while a better life is possible?

Whatever you do, look after yourself, and good luck.

I think your children would rather you leave than stay in this utterly toxic situation. I don’t know how old your kids are but I’m sure they’re aware that you aren’t happy in your marriage and must witness him lashing out at you. Kids and young adults don’t care as much about homes and houses as much as you think they do. I’m sure they’d rather live with you in a small flat then in a large house filled with misery.

Also… your children must know. They see all this. You, a generation on, watching your Mum alone while a man treats her like a household appliance.

That part is utterly depressing.

My ex mil had a similar situation (she eventually admitted to me that she'd known about fil previous affairs but liked her cushy lifestyle so ignored it) - until 38 years later he came home, packed his stuff and went to live with ow. She found out he'd remortgaged the house to have holidays and stuff with ow so when forced to sell the house there wasn't enough to buy another home so ended up renting until she passed away. Fil went on to wed ow and seems never gave mil a second thought after walking out of the door that night.

So what I'm reiterating here is that he may make the decision for you so make sure your ducks are in a row.

To answer your earlier question, no. It's not "normal". But then you don't have a "normal" marriage so of course your reaction will be different to most wives discovering their husband is unfaithful.

I can understand the reasons you may choose to stay married. It's not shallow to value your home and lifestyle. I think a sort of "separate lives" setup can work for some couples but it depends upon a mutual respect that you don't appear to have. Perhaps with honesty on both sides you can build that if you really don't want to leave your home. I had relatives who were married and had children but subsequently separated when the kids were grown up. Neither of them wanted to leave their home or make huge financial sacrifices, so they continued to live together. I believe it was fairly fraught to begin with but eventually they settled into it. Undoubtedly this only worked because they did not love each other or have any lingering romantic feelings, neither of them had (or certainly didn't flaunt) new partners or flings, both respected the others' right to peace and independence, and they lived almost entirely different lives sharing only bills and house maintenance expenses. I'm positive it would be a disaster for most couples but it worked for them.

I work alongside a serial cheater, he openly admits every time he gets caught his wife refuses to do his washing for a few weeks, that's his punishment.
Don't end up that woman everyone pities, your worth more than that.

OP, this is huge. Take your time. Consider every aspect carefully. Get some professional advice without him knowing. Don't rush. Try and talk to some trusted people, if you can.

For all of the people saying 'I'd do XYZ'- yes, you would think so but after a shock like this, it's hard to think clearly for a while.

Don't let him pressure you into anything. He made decisions which killed your love for him, so he doesn't get to force your hand now. Don't wait for the anger to fuel you- let the sadness and grief pass then start to plan for the next stage of your life. And if you do stay with him, it will be on your terms. You are no longer a passenger in your life.

Gather your evidence together and kick him out. Why should you and your kids lose your lovely home and garden.
Put your big girl pants on OP and get angry.
You can have it all and be happy 💐

If you stay with this man who totally disrespects you, you will be existing.
Divorce him and, after the hassle, you can start living again.

You sound just like my mother did before my father left her for another woman.

Married 23 years, for the later 13 my father had worked full time abroad, rarely coming home - usually only at Christmas for a couple of weeks. He was also (as I found out after they divorced) persistently unfaithful for the whole marriage.

My mother supposedly 'forgave' him every time - but she didn't, really. She channelled her anger into spending every penny he earned (she never worked during the marriage) on stuff for the house...mainly antique furniture for her bedroom. The house was definitely the most important thing to her, far beyond the happiness and welfare of her 3 children. She became (and still is, 34 years later) a very bitter, angry and resentful woman.

In the end, when he was 42 and my mother was 47, my father met another (younger) woman through his work, fell for her, started an affair and left my mother as soon as my younger brother turned 18. The house had to be sold. My mother moved back to our home country (Oz) and now lives in a housing association flat. All of those years pretending she didn't care about my father and other women, caring more about a house were ultimately a complete waste of time.

You made your house a home and you are capable of doing the same again, without your adulterous pig of a husband

If he has been cheating for many years and this accidental confirmation shows he has a long term ap, why is he still keeping her secret, I know all about the cake eating but at the end of the day this man could have moved on.
Your children must already know there is no intimacy between you he could have left, what is keeping him there, the house, the money.

Maybe there's something else, some couples really do rely on each others togetherness, I've seen couples break up and fall appart, whereby the cheating confident partner just unravelled. So intertwined were their personalities and identities that they both couldn't cope. Depression, anxiety and other mental problems kept at bay by the status quo of the marriage.

Maybe op, you think as the one without an extra marital partner that you would be the one to dislove, sometimes that's not always the case.
Sounds like hubby has had his own needs put first and never had to question your loyalty or his reaction if you were truly not there.
I would imagine you are stronger than you think, having to push away thoughts of being neglected, discarded and unloved in your married life has probably made you quite strong.

You've not actually tested his steel yet have you ?

disolve

Well, you're just like your mum then.

I think you think if someone is jeolous, they must have some feelings for you, but I know that is fucked up thinking.

It really is a very fucked up way of thinking.

Have you considered counseling? Just for you, not marriage counseling. Sounds like you have a lot of stuff to unpack about your own thoughts, let alone about your marriage.

Why not have a bit of dignity, self respect and get divorced?